DHZ

I'm a shy guy, but when I try to talk to a girl she only gives me one word answers.

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How come that even when i try to talk to girls they dont really want to talk to me?

I mean, it's like I get the usual hi how are you doing and basic stuff. But usually talking to a girl last usually about a minute at most.

Really starting to wonder if I'll ever find a girl. I just 27 today.

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Happy birthday first of all...! :D

Second.... maybe you're coming on too strong and maybe not strong enough. Only you could know. Maybe ask them?

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Describe a typical conversation for us, will you?

 

I find, MUCH of the time, I will start a conversation with someone (even on this forum through the Private Messenger), and this is its structure:

1) I ask them a question about themselves, to show my interest in them.

2) They answer the question.

3) Nothing else...

 

Some people just don't know how to have a conversation... It's quite frustrating and annoying...

 

I wonder, when you're asked a question, do you reciprocate the question and/or an additional question?

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Describe a typical conversation for us, will you?

 

I find, MUCH of the time, I will start a conversation with someone (even on this forum through the Private Messenger), and this is its structure:

1) I ask them a question about themselves, to show my interest in them.

2) They answer the question.

3) Nothing else...

 

Some people just don't know how to have a conversation... It's quite frustrating and annoying...

 

I wonder, when you're asked a question, do you reciprocate the question and/or an additional question?

 

 

I have this experience somewhat. The best thing you can do is move on since they clearly aren't interested on you.

 

What's your location by the way? I do find that location matters like in my college for example. In my college because its near the ghetto, many of the girls prefer gangster boyfriends and many of the guys prefer girls that are trashy. Thus it makes it hard for me and other people to find a gf/bf.

 

Another problem is with my college, because its a commuter college a lot of people after they are done wih class, they just go home right away rather than stay behind to interact with other people.

 

In fact it took quite a bit for me to figure it out. When I stayed behind I ended up meeting a lot of new people along the way. 

 

You just have to try. I'm pretty sure you'll find someone eventually that could talk to you.

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Happy Birthday!

I couldn't tell you because random guys don't normally come up to me and chat.

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I find, MUCH of the time, I will start a conversation with someone (even on this forum through the Private Messenger), and this is its structure:

1) I ask them a question about themselves, to show my interest in them.

2) They answer the question.

3) Nothing else...

 

Part of this may be due to opening with a question that is a bit too specific, so it seems like your emphasis is on getting that question answered, rather than on using it as a general opener to a conversation.

 

To use a kind of frivolous example, if someone I didn't know well told me they liked my hair asked me where I get it done, I'd probably just assume they're looking for a good salon recommendation, so I'd just give them the name of my stylist and walk away!  :lol:

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I think there is no problem as you are starting the conversations getting the usual greetings and the normal stuff, the problem is whats next ? i can guess you have a problem to start a topic by waiting the girl to do the next step and as you dont, she end it and leave thats why its usually don't last more than a minute.

just know that being interested in someone dont start by talking to, its by showing interest by smiles, glances, being around, sharing the same activity and interests, knowing what they like and dislike, then talking to by feeling comfortable and talking about common concerns.

Take a minute to think abt it and i hope everything gonna fall in place soon, happy birthday :)    

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Happy Birthday! I think you should ask your guy friends how to engage in conversation with a lady that you find attractive. I do not know your personality but some girls like men who take charge and others do not.

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I think you should ask yourself why they do not want to speak with you. There could be many reasons such as:

1- personality

2- physical appearance

3- demeanor

4- confidence ( lack of)

5- background

6- education

7- etc...

Without a full description of  who you are and the type of girls that you find attractive, it is very difficult to help you!

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In one word act like a GENTLEMAN !! try to avoid those who judge you before they know you, cuz they simply dont worth it !!

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I can think of three reasons.

One is that they simply have nothing to add to the conversation. Not all women are the same, but I have rarely been moved by attraction. It is a common interest that motivates me to speak to someone. I grow to like them, through conversation and doing things together... and I have found dating follows this pattern too. If you speak of things the individual has no interest in, than the conversation may not last long.

Two, it isn't comfortable to speak to you. This doesn't mean that girls "think" you are a creep, just they they aren't comfortable. Perhaps, they find you attractive? Or, perhaps you are not confident when speak to them? If you don't seem or feel comfortable, then don't be surprised it someone reciprocates. It isn't easy to talk to someone whom is blushing, speed talking, or tripping over their words.

Third, they are not emotionally available and don't want to be a tease. Some girls are a bit short while talking to a guy that they think may be attracted to them, because they don't want them to think it is a possibility. This could be lack of interest, or because their interest lies elsewhere, but often it isn't personal.

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Seriously, though, I think a better question concerns how in control you are over your own life. Personally, I realized how adversely I let other people's decisions affect my life and decided I didn't want to let that happen anymore or at least as much. I've grown so weary of hoping a certain person would like me or that a certain employer would give me a certain job or a raise or whatever.

 

I've been reassessing what it means to be confident, since I've often been rather skeptical concerning whether confidence is as big of an attractive trait as is typically claimed. After all, a woman who isn't attracted to you in any way isn't in my experience typically going to suddenly find you attractive, simply because you have the "confidence" to ask her out. However, I think I've come to the conclusion that truly effective confidence, the kind that is going to be attractive, is concerned with simply being adaptable in life and being confident that things do work together for those who love God. Also, we have to use the gifts God instilled in us, or else we're not going to feel that sense of accomplishment that we need to feel truly confident in life in general.

 

Therefore, you have to ask yourself if you really feel in control of your life. I believe women want a man who is able (or at least appears able) to take on the future challenges that life is going to bring when a marriage and family come along. There are likely going to be a lot of tough and uncertain times in a family, including problems related to illness, finances, teenage rebellion, etc. I know that some (most?) women may not actually think that far ahead consciously, although they definitely should be thinking about these things regarding the men they choose to date and marry, but regardless, I think women still largely desire a man who appears in control of his own life, even for reasons the women may not fully understand themselves.

 

A good indicator of how you're going to handle those future challenges will be evident in how you handle the challenges you face now, so how well do you handle those challenges? Are you in control of your life as much as you could be? Are you using the gifts God gave you to the extent that you could be? I'd say these are a few questions every man should answer for himself if he's looking to attract a wife (or just a friend whose has the potential to be more).

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It's probably one and two, two especially. Because usually when I'm talking to someone, I usually am speed talking and/or tripping over my words.

 

Also, I have creeped a few girls out before without trying to.

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Some people just don't know how to have a conversation... It's quite frustrating and annoying...

 

They're called women...kidding...totally kidding...well...mostly kidding.

 

Anyway, what you described is the reason I almost never PM people online, including people I know in person already. In my experience, there just seems to be something about online messages that cause people to care less about responding to you, so I say, why make the effort?

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OP, are you talking about new people you're trying to meet or people you know already, too? 

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Sounds like it is simply your manner of speach. If it is any consolation, I've been in this situation with several guys and never thought they where a creep... but, I did leave them alone as they seemed so uneasy with me around. I never thought about how they felt after I stopped talking to them, I suppose you have it rough on both ends.

If this is such a difficult task for you, perhaps it is best if you don't speak for awhile. You may find it better to write to someone of interest for a bit instead. My cousin did this with his future wife (whom he met at church... he did not ask her directly he spoke to one of her family members) as he was to shy to write and court her at the time. My sister who was super shy, did the same thing with her husband (whom she met online) and communicated via email, then by phone, and then in person. Sure, all these people where a bit nervious to meet each other for the first few times, but they knew that, and they where invested in each other by their letters.

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It's hard to tell exactly why girls won't carry on a conversation with someone if I am not actually there to observe the incident. 

 

Some people are unhygienic or don't understand personal space (they stand too close when they talk).  Or they don't make good eye contact or they are so consumed with making a good impression that they are actually full of B.S. (which is a turn off). 

To be able have longer lasting conversations, a person needs to be approachable, engaging, likeable, and fun (witty/adventurous) which is all about being attractive

Formal conversation ("Hi, I'm Joe. How are you?") is usually kept short.  CASUAL conversation (just people hanging out before class, etc) is easier and longer lasting.  Conversation topics are lighter and other people can chime in.  Talk about topics that people are interested in (example, the latest movie, an impending homework assignment, anything RELEVANT to you and to others). 

 

Another thing to consider is, one's personal style.  Some people are really clueless about that stuff. 

 

Some people just aren't approachable, or their views are so extreme they do not present an accepting-air which turns people away. 

 

Also, some people are very selective in who they talk to.  So they may only talk to their select friends or a person of interest.  A person who is approachable in general, is someone who says hello to anyone (hello to the secretary, to the teacher, whomever).  That is someone I'd be more willing to talk to.  And someone who would be easier to make laugh because they are more laid back.

 

There is a college class called "Interpersonal Communication". I recommend it to anyone and everyone.  Communication affects every person and every conversation, both personal and professional; even body language matters!

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To piggyback off of Queen's post, I'd definitely recommend refining your conversational skills. It's hard to really critique you because we haven't seen you in action, but there are a few pointers I can give:

- Active listening; if a person tells you something about themselves, make a mental note of it. You definitely want to remember their name, but also their interests, etc. Also, make eye contact and nod to show that you're paying attention.

- Ask questions! If someone drops information about something they like, don't be afraid to go in further. If you're talking to a girl and she says that she likes skiing, you can go with some follow up questions. "How long have you been skiing?" "How did you get into skiing?" "What's the most interesting thing that's happened when you were skiing?" Questions not only show interest, they also take a lot of the conversational burden off of yourself. People generally love to talk about themselves lol.

- Try to be generally friendly. Using humor is a great way to break down barriers in a conversation. Don't be afraid to crack [an appropriate] joke every now and then.

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So how do you become friends with girls and try to talk to them when the girls are always hanging out with each other at church?

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Using the same advice we've given you in your past five topics. Be confident, don't be a creep, don't be rude.

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Using the same advice we've given you in your past five topics. Be confident, don't be a creep, don't be rude

 

Well said Mirage.  DHZ, I think you need to man up and will you find a girl. It is really not that hard. Best of luck!

 

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"Hey guys how's it goin, my names..."

And it's that simple.

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