Adultery and Restrictions on Freedoms

['tis the Bearded One 661]

If you are married and found out that your spouse has committed adultery what actions would you consider reasonable as steps to regain trust if there seems a hope of overcoming such a hurdle?

 

1) Would you expect/like him/her to disclose a once-off adultery that they deeply regret and repent of that you would likely not have found out about? Would you prefer to be burdened/hurt by that information or prefer they deal with it themselves as long as that is possible (ie no re-offending; possibly seeing a counsellor to resolve issues)?

 

2) Would you place restriction on travel (domestic and overseas)? Institute checkin times if he/she goes out with mates etc and ensure corroboration?

 

3) Complete disclosure of all usernames and passwords to email, facebook, phone, computer etc? Would you consider it okay to hack into a cheating spouse's accounts and/or monitor them covertly via spyware etc? This could be partly in an attempt to discern whether any apparently genuine reforms/repentence is indeed genuine. 

 

4) Would you tolerate him/her having any contact (face to face or via internet/phone etc) with the person they cheated with?

 

5) If it was a work colleague/boss would you insist they find another job?

 

6) Would you expect him/her to be fully cooperative in regard to seeing a counselor?

 

7) Would you withhold intimate touch/sex until the whole issue has been mostly resolved? At least until he/she has been checked for STIs? Would you be comfortable having sex with someone you are unsure of whether they have fully repented of their adultery?

 

8) Would you impose any financial restrictions to prevent use of funds for possible adulteries? For example in cases of prostitution or being a sugar daddy/mommy?

 

9) To what extent would you expect a truly repentant spouse to impose/suggest such restrictions themselves as a sign of a turnaround? How would you determine if a turnaround is genuine?

 

10) Are there any other actions an adulterous spouse should/must do to potentially regain your trust?

 

11) If you knew that your parents were working through adultery hurdles and, after a supposed turnaround (possibly the first or yet another one in a string of previous ones that turned out to be false) you discovered that it was false would you tell the other parent and how?

 

 

Sorry for all the questions but considering adultery is such a massive issue in our society I think it warrants deep exploration. I was somewhat surprised I didn't find much specifically delving into this issue on this forum so far. I'm looking forward to your answers 

[Chak 217]

Am sure its gonna be different from a person to another but personally it's a one way ticket, she wont have any place in my life anymore, its better to let her go so she can enjoy what she was doing behind my back ..

[poisson 145]

A one way ticket

[Amber Elizabeth 869]

If my husband ever cheats on me I'll have to introduce his face to Mr.Crowbar and the rest of his body to Mr.Knife. 

[mewaiting 226]

If my husband ever cheats on me I'll have to introduce his face to Mr.Crowbar and the rest of his body to Mr.Knife.

Now THAT was hilarious.

[Steadfast Madcap 3,216]

1) I would rather deal with reality than live in a fantasy my spouse has constructed for me. Lying to me about cheating would be even worse than the actual cheating.

 

2) No; I'm not his mom, and if I felt like I had to be the relationship would be over.

 

3) I would expect to already have access to all of those things; to me, that's kind of essential in a marriage. I would never snoop on my spouse's email regularly, but what if the were in the hospital and I needed access to that info for whatever reason? I don't think spying is OK though. Two wrongs don't make a right, and whatnot.

 

4) No.

 

5) Yes.

 

6) Yes.

 

7) Yes. Not as a punishment, and not even particularly because of the STD risk. I think I simply wouldn't want to have sex with the person who had betrayed me so deeply for quite some time. Forgiveness is a process, and I'd need a lot of time to get back to a place where I truly wanted to resume such an intimate form of contact.

 

8) No; again, I'm not his mom, and if I felt I had to do that the relationship would be over. However, I already think both spouses should be equal partners in keeping an eye on their spending anyway.

 

9) I think most of what you've listed (fessing up to it, ceasing all contact with their affair partner, finding a different job if they have to, cooperating fully with counseling) is all pretty obvious stuff that any truly repentant spouse should be begging to do in order to start making it up to their life partner.

 

10) Give me the chance to get even.

 

11) Yes, I would. Of course, I've already been down this road a ways with my own family. I no longer have any contact with my father.

 

 

I think we don't talk about it much here because we're all hoping we'll never have to deal with it! I always said I'd never be able to forgive cheating, but the longer I'm with my boyfriend, the harder it is to think that anything could tear us apart...hopefully, I'll never have to find out.

['tis the Bearded One 661]

If my husband ever cheats on me I'll have to introduce his face to Mr.Crowbar and the rest of his body to Mr.Knife. 

 

While I don't condone making light of domestic violence...I understand the sentiment.

 

I think we don't talk about it much here because we're all hoping we'll never have to deal with it! I always said I'd never be able to forgive cheating, but the longer I'm with my boyfriend, the harder it is to think that anything could tear us apart...hopefully, I'll never have to find out.

 

Amen! 

[Chak 217]

A one way ticket

Yes my trust is a one way ticket    once you misuse it you can't get another one so you better jump from overboard 

[poisson 145]

Chak, I agree with your comment 100%. I strongly believe that loyalty is a key component of any relationship especially in a marriage.

[Chak 217]

Of course, but as i've said people aren't all same, some would give their partner another chance or try to make things work as before, i won't blame them, but i dont think life gonna be same as nothing happened, so saving myself time and drama is a right solution to start a new chapter with a new person and a new story 

[bethreny 501]

This issue hits very close to home, as someone very close to me had her life torn apart by her husband's adultery, so going from what I have learned from her, I would have very strict guidelines if a cheating husband wanted to win me back.

I would want to know about every person he had cheated with, because that is my right. I would want him to cut out friends who were enablers and encouraged what he did. He would be off social media. I would want access to his email and phone and any other communication that he uses. (I am not controlling like this normally, I don't check out my husband's phone or emails because he gets my trust. Once that trust is broken though, look out)

If he worked with anyone he cheated with, or the nature of work facilitated his cheating, he'd be getting a new job, even if he had to make less money.

He would go into therapy by himself first and then with me if he made it far enough. I would seek out my own counsellor.

I would even move to a new house/neighborhood.

Basically life would be very different from then on, and I would consider reconciliation as starting "fresh", at least as much as possible. So that means no sex, back to square one. If he's not going to respect the marriage vows that he made, he can consider himself not married to me.

I think only time can determine whether a turnaround is genuine. People are good actors, and can do it for quite a while. I would expect anyone to tell me if a spouse that I was considering taking back was still doing things behind my back, and I would hope I had the guts to let them know also.

[Chak 217]

Thats what i was talking about when i said that life will not be as same as nothing happend !!  changing from a person in love to a private detective !! 

['tis the Bearded One 661]

I strongly believe that loyalty is a key component of any relationship especially in a marriage.

 

Absolutely, though I am hesitant at cementing adultery as a one way ticket to divorce. I would be immensely hurt (to put it lightly) yet I want to believe I could do my part to put it behind me if my spouse is truly repentant and desiring to change. If they are not, certainly I would have no desire to try and sustain what is left of the marriage. I also think its easier for us (mostly unmarried and not in that circumstance) to think what we would do. There are many reasons people put up for staying with an adulterous spouse - for the kids that they don't have to experience divorce while they are still in the home, keeping contact with kids - i've read of instances where the innocent spouse was blamed by the kids and she pretty much lost the relationship with them aswell, financial security (I think this is particularly the case for whoever isn't the primary breadwinner. Mid life crisis seems a prime time for adultery and that is not the age-group you want to be in for a fresh start at singlehood....), loss of friends and aquaintances, codependence etc. However in/appropriate these reasons may be they can have immense bearing on the decision though what consequence they have on the sacrificing parties happiness is another thing....

 

There certainly are intances where adultery has been worked through by couples and their marriage has become better for it. Not that that justifies the adultery but it is refreshing to know that healing the relationship and improving it to an extent unreached before adultery can be accomplished.

 

3)  I don't think spying is OK though. Two wrongs don't make a right, and whatnot.

 

10) Give me the chance to get even.

 

So if you accidentally came across one of his suspicious communications (left his facebook/email open whatever) you would not read and snoop further? I can understand that spying without "reasonable grounds" would signify a problem in the relationship due to a lack of trust but once that trust has been breached then I think the spouse is well within their rights to spy in order to check if he/she is telling the truth. As Bethreny mentioned, people can be very good actors and having covert recourse to their communications can help dispell their deceits and thus protect yourself from even deeper hurt from ingenuine turnarounds...In most instances I think adultery is not a single sin/offence. It is intimately associated with deceit and lying. One could even say that an adulterous spouse is lying simply by creating the illusion/misrepresentation that they are still true to their marriage vows etc in continuing their marrital role. Once a person is shown to be okay with lying that creates a huge problem to discerning the truth without objective references.

 

As to number 10 - could you clarify? As in give you a chance/leniency if you ever commit adultery?? This doesn't seem to fit with your expressions heretofore and while the whole payback thing can be satisfying on a certain level I don't think it is a healthy relationship mechanism. Even so, what could he possibly allow you to do that would balance out the effects of adultery?

[cookiemonster 500]

I want to say I'll divorce him and/or beat his ass. But I've seen many people say if their spouse ever cheated or did xyz they'll leave, but when their spouse did do xyz they forgave them and worked on their relationship. I honestly don't know what I would do.

[Chak 217]

As we have different personality for sure will have different reactions and what's tolerable by some isn't acceptable at all by others, but all i can say that the faithful partner always pay the price and make the choice either to  let go or give it another chance.

[Noga 153]

This is a very deep question... with many questions that come from it...

 

For me personally, this would be the end of the discussion. Adultery is like divorce. Just not planning for it. It is the one reason I would divorce. But it is beside the point: I do not plan on my husband doing this. Period. It takes a certain level of faith to step in this 100%. And it also takes intuition, to choose the right person who shares this 100% loyalty value. So, for me all the questions of how I would talk to him, if I would have to follow him around and babysit his every move for the rest of my life... is mute.

 

I'm entering into a devoted marriage. What we focus on expands. 

 

That's just my personal take, for myself. In a very summarized fashion.

[Noga 153]

(I think that sometimes planning for plan b ... invites plan b. so I'm just not interested in it.)

['tis the Bearded One 661]

I'm rather fond of contingency planning. If anything it highlights particular dangers and how to avoid them or help detect them earlier. In business there is a saying - If you fail to plan you plan to fail. 

 

People change, and not always for the better. As long as you or your partner are human the potential exists for human failure including adultery. To deny it, I think would be to make a grave mistake. It's like someone sailing in a wooden ship denying that the hull can rot if not taken care of. Certainly, in a healthy commited relationship adultery isn't an option someone would choose. 

 

The listed actions would be quite inappropriate to say the least in a trusting healthy marriage. A certain blind/naive trust is needed otherwise spouses would drive eachother mad. As such I would only see them as being appropriate when that trust has been betrayed and not beforehand and only to assist the rebuilding of trust [on a willing spouse - no use trying to impose on an unrepentent and unwilling one!]. Once trust has been restored they should naturally fall away - otherwise they turn into control mechanisms.

 

 

For those who see no recovery after adultery. Is this only in regard to an unrepentant spouse? What about a spouse who discloses a fleeting intention to commit adultery but failed to follow through to actual sex (still adultery though arguably less heinous than long-term deception etc or maybe I'm just underestimating the magnitute of the thought processes that are required to get to that point nonetheless) who is fully repentant and willing to work on their issue (and any other marriage issues)? If this couple had children and the innocent party insisted on divorce despite the adulterer's utter willingness to resolve the issues, how do you think they would react?

[bethreny 501]

@Noga (my phone wouldn't let me quote you right now, oh well!)

I understand you not wanting to make a plan b. My friend never planned on her husband cheating on her either, and she was a waiter. I think knowing what you would do helps, but either way, you're lost when it happens to you. You would never expect someone you give your life to to treat you that way.

My husband and I have talked about it, before we started dating and after, but it's probably because he has been cheated on before, so it was something we needed to discuss openly. I think talking about it is something good to do, though I know it makes people feel uncomfortable. It was another way for us to become closer I guess.

Even though I have thought about what I would do, if that ever happened, I don't know how it would be implemented, especially if I had kids. I have seen people become completely different from what you knew ( I'm sure we all have), and the shock is enough to make you question your own judgement so much that it's hard to make decisions.

You're right though, having to keep an eye on a man for what might be the rest of my life...no thanks!

[bethreny 501]

'tis the Bearded One

Even being someone who would be open to reconciliation, I think the spouse who has been cheated on has very right to not take the person back, no matter how repentant they are.

As for the spouse who did not have "actual sex", it would depend on what they did. Was it just emotional, or was it gross sexual talk and/or cyber sex? If it's the latter, you're toast, unless you can change that behaviour.

If you are talking about how the kids would react, it depends on the kids, the reason why, and their age. They might not understand when they're younger, but maybe when they grow up. Either way it would be tough on them. :/