Sally

Spending the Night

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I know we've talked about this before, but since we've had a lot of new members recently, i thought i eoukd ask again. Where do you stand on spending the night with a significant other before marriage?

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I think it depends on who I'm with at the time. I've never been in that situation so I'm just speaking from thought, but I believe (and also have been told) that falling asleep, JUST sleep, in the arms of the one you love can be romantic and intimate and a way to feel closer to that person. If boundaries are respected it is kept totally innocent, I think it is okay occasionally. I wouldn't say every night or even weekly, but every now and then. And if I were going to do it, I would want more than just the two of us there. Extra safety measure :P On the flip side, if there was any doubt that either party could control themselves, then absolutely not. You wouldn't walk into a fire with a can of gasoline and if there is want or lust present when you go into it, then it would sort of be the same thing.

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I know we've talked about this before, but since we've had a lot of new members recently, i thought i eoukd ask again. Where do you stand on spending the night with a significant other before marriage?

No, that's the perfect breeding ground for cohabitation (and then, fornication).

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I don't see anything wrong with it. I'm against cohabitation and I don't think spending the night every night is necessarily a good idea, but once in a while it's kinda nice. It's a matter of self-control. I personally know a couple in their 20s who have dated for over a year and won't let themselves hang out alone. They always have a 3rd person or group. It's for fear of temptation. And it's fine if thats your thing but it's def not for me. Now I know this is different than spending the night but it's the same concept. I don't know about y'all, but I feel like I have a little bit more self control than that. I'm not saying spending the night with a S/O can't put you in a tempting situation, but once in a while its definitely nice to sleep next to someone you care about. Nothing happens unless you let it. *shrugs* My $.02 B)

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Yeah I'm all for this. Spending the night is one of my favorite parts of being in a relationship. Also, from a WTM standpoint I think it's a good way to have some physical intimacy without having sex.

I'm pretty liberal on physical stuff for a waiter though, so I've never had to worry about the temptation factor. I drew my line where I was comfortable, and have never had a problem sticking too it.

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I wouldn't mind spending the night. I know when it is time to end a hot and heavy make-out session, and we CAN control ourselves (even if it sucks to have to do that.) But for some people control is much harder. If you don't think you can handle spending the night, then you probably shouldn't.

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I wouldn't mind spending the night. I know when it is time to end a hot and heavy make-out session

Exactly, how does one end a hot and heavy make-out session?

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Markb4, you kiss less, start pulling away a little (take your hands off them) and usually things pull away fine. The other person can tell what youre doing and goed along. Its all about being aware of each other so to speak, i think.

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Also, from a WTM standpoint I think it's a good way to have some physical intimacy without having sex.

My feelings exactly!!! We're all waiting til marriage, people! I think that entitles us to do at least something risque! LOL

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nope not good for me that's wayyyy too tempting for me, I'm just asking for trouble lol

my question to ya'll who can spend the night and not go all the way is: How do ya'll have that much self-control?

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Its about wearing plain old pjs, nothing revealing. Both understanding ahead of time that sex is not a part of the equation; that you both want to cuddle til you fall asleep and maybe kiss goodnight.

Also, having others home helps; keeps me accountable. (As well as friends who are also waiting and will check in) PM me if you want OHG :)

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haha I understand what you mean but I couldn't do it and I wouldn't even take the bait my ex would offer me to stay the night and all could think in the back of my mind is how fast things would happen because I knew once we were around each other we couldn't keep our paws to ourselves much less a whole 8+ hours alone oh gosh no very risky for me but hey kudos to ya'll that's impressive lol

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I only get to see my boyfriend a couple times a month since he went off to college (I stayed local) so whenever I visit him I stay the night. Its really not as tempting as you all think it is I think lol. Maybe its cause I pass out the second we get in bed haha.

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Exactly, how does one end a hot and heavy make-out session?

By screaming "stoooooop!" lol. when I was really, really little my then-teenage cousin was watching this episode and this guy and girl were making out. They were engaged and promised not to have any sex a month before the marriage, but they were fine with making out. So they were having an uber hot and heavy make-out session and then the girl screamed "stooooop!" really loudly, and then said "picture your parents having sex; that's what I'm doing right now. I mean I'm picturing MY parents, not yours! Although your parents are really hot..." Something like that. It really killed the mood for them. lol.

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nope not good for me that's wayyyy too tempting for me, I'm just asking for trouble lol

my question to ya'll who can spend the night and not go all the way is: How do ya'll have that much self-control?

I agree with Sally. If you both know and/or have talked about it (i.e. both of you are waiters so therefore sex is NOT happening, period OR they aren't waiting but you've made it clear you are) its not all that difficult. Obviously, it's more difficult if you're dating a non-waiter but you just have to get out of the "sex" mindset and you're all good lol. Thats the only way I can think of to put it.

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my question to ya'll who can spend the night and not go all the way is: How do ya'll have that much self-control?

I can see it being difficult to spend the night with somebody and not mess around A LITTLE, but there's a pretty big gap between messing around and going all the way. It's kind of like a staircase. By the time I get half way down, I'm pretty satisfied. I never feel powerfully drawn to the bottom of the stairs because I've never been there and don't know what I'm missing.

Again though, I'm pretty comfortable with the boundaries I've set and have stuck to them for years.

The thing to watch for is when you start crossing those boundaries. Still, you'll need to deliberately cross 5 or 6 individual boundaries before getting to "all the way." Each of those brings a chance to decide to be satisfied at that level.

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Mike, totally understandable. Ok, so maybe yoj make out with your bf when soending the night. Not like you wouldnt do that anyway...lol I dont see that being that bad. Just my oersonal opinion is all. I love cuddling, so what better time? 8 hrs of cuddling? Hell yes!!!

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I have a lot of self control so it wouldn't be a problem with me.

But because I wouldn't want to tempt my boyfriend,I don't think we would sleep in the same bed or anything like that.

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Me and my boy have napped together, and one day we would love to spend a night together...but it's a work in progress, and it depends on both our feelings towards it. For him, he'd love to cuddle all night...and although I love the idea, I know I am not strong enough to handle the kind of temptation I would be putting myself in. So like Sweety, I'd have to say no for the sake of one party, as I think it is in most cases.

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my girlfriend, before she became my wife, was the first person I spent the night with... I had had other girlfriends gently nudge towards it (and one get frustrated that I didn't), but I really didn't feel close enough with them to even think about it. but with my GF eventually wife, it just seemed a perfectly romantic - I did not say SEXUAL - notion... and it was. affectionate, warm, tender, comfortable. it was nice to wake up in the morning in her arms, or her in my arms. So I vote yes... but I was pretty selective even with that step.

As for how/when to stop - especially with spending the night - Mike said it best and similar to my feelings... you need to know and agree on the line way before you even thinking of getting in the bed... then you will know when it's time to slow down... if you're unclothed a bit and that's the line great... if you're down to nothing but you're not doing anything that's up to you... but knowing when is when way before you get in that occasion is the key. I knew where when was (hahaha) and so did she... and when we got there... we didn't have to talk about it, we just gently brought each other down from getting too overheated.

I will admit... there were a couple times where wow... we could have easily gotten across the line... and it was not EASY! LOL... but we did it.

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Thanks for the insight Ian!! I agree about setting boundaries before spending the night, but it csn be very romantic, warm, and make you feel close.

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I personally won't do it...while I don't doubt we'd be able to control ourselves pretty easily, I don't want to put a temptation there that doesn't have to be there. There's also the way it could look from the outside (which, for me is important as a Christian) - people hear that you spent the night together and immediately assume you're not a waiter.

However I won't judge those that choose to do so! For me it will just add another element of specialness to our wedding night.

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I personally won't do it...while I don't doubt we'd be able to control ourselves pretty easily, I don't want to put a temptation there that doesn't have to be there. There's also the way it could look from the outside (which, for me is important as a Christian) - people hear that you spent the night together and immediately assume you're not a waiter.

However I won't judge those that choose to do so! For me it will just add another element of specialness to our wedding night.

I have to chime in here... I DID feel funny a few times of leaving in the morning - she lived in an apartment complex with a few of our other friends, so yes it was just assumed we weren't waiting.... and I have to be honest... that made me feel a little funny/compromised initially... but I knew the truth, and so did a close friend or two, and that was where I held it... esp since it didn't happen til we were quite involved and long time dating... not just a quick step... so I fully understand your point AussieStig, and I applaud it!

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