DHZ

How come nothing I'm doing to improve myself is ever helping me find a girl?

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If just feels like I have no chance at finding a girl. I've done everything I could think of, raising self confidence, fighting depression, exercising, talking to girls, getting more ocytocin to life my mood, going to sleep earlier, changing the way I think, talking to psychologists, talking to God about it. But nothing ever changes. And it really does feel like I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life.

 

Really, I only make the changes for a week or 2. By then, I'll just get too depressed to keep up the changes.

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Maybe you need to focus more on yourself and not finding a potential girlfriend/partner/wife. By making yourself happier, you won't feel so lonely or feel the intense need to find that elusive woman right now. Things like your friends, your hobbies, your family, whatever makes you happy or whatever you're interested in. All of your focus and energy seems to be going into finding this woman and perhaps that's the problem? I'm no expert and this is just my humble opinion, but maybe you should consider taking a step back and reevaluating your priorities in your life right now?

 

Everybody - and I mean everybody - gets downhearted and thinks that they won't find someone to love and have love them back, to share their lives with but their - and equally your - happiness shouldn't be dependent on finding that love.

 

I'm sorry if I haven't explained what I'm getting at, but I really hope this little message might help.

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You should continue to improve yourself if you are not happy. But at the same, make changes that will help and not hurt you in the future. Be true to yourself and when you are ready, you will find the girl of your dream. Hope this helps.

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You are young and do not worry about not having a girlfriend yet. Make more friends so this way you are not alone or join a single club at your church.

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If just feels like I have no chance at finding a girl. I've done everything I could think of, raising self confidence, fighting depression, exercising, talking to girls, getting more ocytocin to life my mood, going to sleep earlier, changing the way I think, talking to psychologists, talking to God about it. But nothing ever changes. And it really does feel like I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life.

 

Really, I only make the changes for a week or 2. By then, I'll just get too depressed to keep up the changes.

Hey DHZ,

    I'll have to admit here that I know a little bit about how you are feeling. I'm also close to 30 and sometimes I do wonder if I will be alone forever too. I have also done similar things that you have mentioned: increase self-confidence, fight depression,  change the way I think, talk to God etc.., and sometimes it does feel like I don't see any immediate results. However, keep at it! You write that you only make changes for a week or two. Well, I think that's a step in the right direction. Sometimes, we might not see the fruits of our labor, but I do think people do notice (men and women). Also, I think bettering yourself gives you benefits in life (and not just in  romantic relationships). 

 

   I think it's natural to want love. However, I think we can sometimes get caught up in the destination of something(myself included) like wanting a relationship that we might miss the road it took to get us there. In other words, when we think about the destination it may start to affect us in different ways (emotionally, physically etc..). We may start to have concerns like "Am I good enough for someone, or maybe if I exercise more I will look more attractive." For me, my concerns would be, "Would a woman like me more if I'm more outspoken (I'm a quiet person) or maybe if I was a little taller I would look more attractive."

 

    For me, I think what it comes down to is comfortability. That is being comfortable with who you are the present moment, that maybe this where you are supposed to be right now (and I'll admit this type of self-talk is sometimes a struggle for me, but something I try to do nonetheless).

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Really, I only make the changes for a week or 2. By then, I'll just get too depressed to keep up the changes.

Are you making these changes just to be more attractive to women, or are you doing them out of a drive for self-improvement? If you're just doing it for women, you're going to look at the lack of results, get frustrated, and quit. Improvement takes time, far more than a week or 2 before you really see any results. I'd advise continuing to work on yourself, but do it for your own good and not because you think that women will flock to you for it.

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Oh, man. I can really relate to this. An interesting concept I came aross recently is that loneliness can be mistaken for depression, because depression has gained a lot of ground recently in scientific and psychological circles. Meanwhile, loneliness is seen as an easily fixable non-issue ("Join a club!" "Volunteer!" "Be more outgoing!"). WTM in particular can leave us very lonely in a way that isn't really within our power to "fix." I am not disqualifying your depression. I've experienced depression and anxiety since childhood, but there is a huge component of loneliness to it, as well. They each magnify the other. Don't expect medicating your depression to banish your other negative feelings, is all I'm saying.

 

The brutal truth is that when you're WTM, it's a matter of numbers. You could be the most attractive, put-together, friendly person in town, and you're still going to face a massive shortage of potential partners who share your values. A quick look around should assure you that it's not because of any personal failure on your part (look at some of the non-waiters who DO have someone).

 

Keep exercising. Learning to exercise is probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. It helps with depression on a chemical level, too. Jogging is a godsend, no matter how slow I sometimes feel. Best of wishes to you.

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DHZ, my friend, I need to hit you with a cold, hard truth:

 

You're going in the wrong direction.

Right now, you're trying to change yourself and improve yourself in order to find a girl, and yet no girl has come.

Maybe it's time to try another route.

 

Don't worry about getting girls right now.

Work out to improve your health and your capabilities. Talk to God to ask how you can help your fellow man.

Rather than focus on YOU - your life, your sadness, your inabilities - focus on others. There are many who don't have the necessities to live, forget finding a girlfriend. You are blessed - it's time to give back.

 

Whenever I work with people trying to find something - hope, love, confidence - I tell them to not worry about it. It seems twisted, but I've come to call this phenomenon I want to describe to you as ego transcendence.

When you choose to devote your attentional, physical, and chronological resources to the betterment of others and to this world, to serve God rather than worry about yourself, you get your confidence and happiness from something else entirely, and it is so much stronger. The satisfaction you'll get from focusing on helping others is much more than you will ever achieve trying to make yourself feel better.

 

Here's the trick with ego transcendence: you'll feel better. Why? Because you get out of your own dang head! When you're constantly reflecting inwards, you see all you don't have, how you can live better, what you want, etc. That's a breeding ground for self-deprecation and criticism.

What happens when you get your fulfillment from improving the lives of others? Confidence in your way of living, confidence in your character, confidence in the abilities you've developed to serve others.

 

Women do love confidence. But it's not about the size of your pecs, or how "tough" you are in a fight. Women love men who are not insecure with their character. When you're secure, you can love and nurture. You probably knew that, but were trying to find a shallow sense of security obtained when you focus on what you can do for yourself, not for others.

 

That's my advice to you, my friend. I'm not going to stay here and say "Oh, you're a great guy, you have nothing to worry about. You will find a girl some day." Because it's all true, and it should go without saying.

Continue to improve yourself, but do it for something outside of yourself. Your life will have direction and meaning. You will not be so concerned with finding a partner. And then, when your life is of service to God, and you're not obsessed with finding someone who will love you, rather making sure you love others...

 

You'll find her.

 

Chin up, eyes to the sky, and you'll do fine.

Best of luck, my friend.

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DHZ,

 

   Everything that everyone has said to you on here is so vital, so important. I know from personal experience how hard it is to feel stagnated inside of your own life, to look around you and wonder how it is you've managed to survive for so long but cross so little ground--especially in matters of love and the heart. But I want you to know that the universe is so infinite that it would break every bone of human instinct inside of your body to lose hope, particularly hope in love. The problem and the beauty of living is that you can't see around the next corner, you couldn't predict the next three seconds of your life even if you tried. And while that means yes, the future is daunting and unknowable, it also means that it is full of infinite possibilities, most of which you aren't even capable of imagining at this point. If you use the patterns of the past to define your fear for the future, you're never going to make it to that greater, unexpected place that surpasses your wildest of dreams. It's admirable that you're trying. It is brave that you wake up in the morning and haul yourself out of bed and live another day. You need to know that. But don't let that be all you do, don't let, as so many on this thread have said before, your desire for a relationship become the be-all-end-all of your life. Don't worry that who you are is not enough, that your results don't reflect the monumental effort and desire you feel coursing through your veins to have the life you want. Be like the sun. Be like the cosmos. Be significant and radiant in your own right, even when no one else is looking. Because some day someone will look, and it will be to them like seeing the sun, and you will know that you have not spent your life rising every morning in vain.

    I know that words aren't really the complete and sufficient cure for everything, if they were, less people would scoff when I tell them I'm a poet. But some words do help, and so I thought I'd share some of my favorite words from the advice column of an author I love:

 

     "I have words instead of a crystal ball. I can't say when you'll get love or how you'll find it or even promise you that you will. I can only say that you are worthy of it and that it's never to late to ask for it and that it's not crazy to fear you'll never have it again, even though your fears are probably wrong. Love is our essential nutrient. Without it, life has little meaning. It's the best thing we have to give and the most valuable thing we receive. It's worthy of all the hullabaloo.

      It's not about becoming a movie star. It's about the down-in-the-dirt art of inhabiting the person you aspire to be while carrying on your shoulder the uncertain and hungry man you know you are. Your longing for love is only one part of you. I know that it feels gigantic when you're all alone writing this, or when you imagine going out on that first date with a woman you desire. But don't let your need be the only thing you show. It will scare people off. It will misrepresent how much you have to offer. We have to be whole people to find whole love, even if we have to make it up for a little while. Bring the man you aspire to be, the one who already has the love he longs for. Play every piece of yourself and play it with all you've got until you're not playing anymore."

 

 

You don't have to be perfect now, or ever. You don't have to fix yourself, you don't have to try so hard to cradle uncertainty in the palm of your hands. Someone is looking for all that you are, someone's atoms are straining towards yours every second of every day, just waiting until the moment you meet them. What you have to do most now is hope, live it and breathe it while you take in all the wonders of the world. It'll happen, someday. And even if it doesn't then it just means that something better has come along, that life has a funny way of working itself out but even so the stars still sing and the dawn still comes. You are worthy of love. Find that truth within yourself and hold tight, because when you do, everything will be alright. I hope any of this helps. I hope that you can look at the thread of answers above mine and know that you have a whole community of people rooting for you to be your best self, to find your best life.

 

--HP

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DHZ,

 

Anything I say to you, it would seem, is simply going to reflect what has already been said; albeit in a manner that seems far less eloquent: go and live life.

 

I always have been - and likely always will be - a firm believer in the notion that every single creature on Earth was delivered here for a reason.  Our task is to realise our mission, whatever it may be, and to better the world as soon as we know best how to do it.  Take every opportunity that is presented to you, and then make your own.  Make the most of everything you do, and know that you have done all that you can.

 

'Transcendence' is certainly a good word.  There never has been, and never will be, simply 'the self'.  An infinite array of possibilities awaits you, and is there for the taking.  Energy, empathy, and love are your tools - use them wisely.

 

Whilst I've never yet been 'in love', per se, I've noticed a pattern: love comes to you when you least expect it, much like the nicest surprise.  Focus on making the most of the wonderful life you have been gifted, and someday you will happen across someone who is eager to share that life with you.

 

Do not lose hope, do not lose heart, and do not lose faith: someone will come to you when the Universe knows you are both ready to be found by each other.

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I'm pretty sure that women can pick up on that, therefore, do not make any changes to yourself for the sole purpose of finding yourself a woman. Plus if you make all of these changes and do not plan on sticking to it for the rest of your life, then you're kind of lying to the people you're trying to pursue a romantinc relationship with. Just be yourself and make self-improvements only if you're one-hundred percent sure that it will make YOU happy. Not someone else.

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Honestly, do not try to change in order to please others. It might cause you more damage than positive results. Besides, you will never be perfect. Either you are trying to date the wrong people or you are badly handling things.

God bless u!

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I can guess that you not satisfied about yourself, or at least you are trying to prove that you can change to someone, but hey, whats life gonna looks like if you not being yourself ? do you think that the others gonna like the fake mask you are putting on your face ? i dont think so, your personality is your identity that you were building for years,so be proud of it, and if ever there is things or bad habits that keep pushing the others away from you, its ok to correct them without losing your special touch, cuz that's the real you and without it you have no identity, and dont worry you will meet the right girl soon just know what you want first !!

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