Anybody ever wonder what the point of the pain of sexual desire is as a waiter?

[GodsPhysicist 476]

I often wonder what the point of the pain of sexual desire is for a person with no hope for a mate.  I would've thought that it was to remain interested in finding a mate, but I wonder why it should persist at all after a longer period of time when nothing changes despite the longing.

 

This question comes from a masculine disposition, so I am quite sure that a man's sexual appetite gets stronger when he waits longer.  This might not be true for all women, or maybe not be true for some males which defeats the question.  However, I wonder why sexual desires persist at all after a long time, and worse, increase with single status as a waiter for those where applicable.

 

It might be true that nature simply doesn't have a mechanism to ever shut off sexuality, because the members of a species that carry on are carrying sexual desire all the way to intercourse, and eventually reproduction.  Over time, the creatures with the most desire might actually be selected for.  Perhaps this is the case for human beings too, but it is true that there must have been many human beings that have never reproduced or even had sex, erasing their genetic record.

 

I wonder if it should be compared at all to human beings dying from not being able to eat or drink.  Human beings never seem to lose the sensation of hunger or thirst even without food or drink available, no matter how noble the effort to attain them both.  The only problem with drawing a parallel here is that human beings do not eventually die from abstinence.  While it is true that humanity as a whole would indeed die off without a sufficient variety and number of people breeding, it is not in the least bit true that a human individual's life is threatened by celibacy.

 

Perhaps the only comparison that can be made here is that someone people are just born poor.  Some people are homeless, some are hungry, and some live in isolation.  Perhaps one thing to add to the poverty list is undesireable (but not involuntary) celibacy.  Perhaps nature simply doesn't care about how humans think and feel about celibacy, because those who can not acquire a mate will simply die out anyway. They will not carry their pathetic disposition into the genepool any further, and nature, therefore would've have solved the problem.

 

If this seems cynical, I agree.  The limitation of thinking purely in terms of human survival is that it doesn't take into account the amount of advancement that comes with the more humane approach to life.  For example, the combinatoric solution to producing the most variety in the genepool (mathematically speaking) is the genepool that results with exactly one pair of male and female only mating and reproducing with each other (the failure to accomodate homosexuality must be excused because it simply does not result in reproduction, which is a necessary part of this analysis).  The reason for this is that for every male/female pair for human beings exclusively mating, the chances that the offspring mate with members of the same family are reduced to the lowest limit.  There are simply the most amount of parents for a given set of arbitrarily selected offspring.  This therefore leads to the most genetic variety.

 

In fact, this means that marriage is a mechanism for genetic variety in human beings.  I think (I am not sure though) that there is even only one country in the world today out of all that doesn't recognize marriage by law in some way.  That's amazing.  Also, marriage might actually have resulted in a genetic variety that has caused humans to conquer the planet on six continents.  We have the Inuit who can plunge their hands in 28F seawater and catch fish and the Aboriginal Australians who can withstand 130F+ shade temperatures on very little water.  Yet, with all this variety, we are all members of the same species, and can mate with whomever we make a sacred pact with (or not-so-sacred in many other cases).  Marriage is something that I find personally hard to dismiss, but it is not entirely evident to be natural.  Even though there are monagamous species of mammals, in particular, they are exclusively so.  This is not the case for humanity as monogamy seems to be a choice.

 

I am wondering, then, if we should simply dismiss constant or even increasing involuntary sexual desire well into celibate life as not just a natural failure to reproduce, but also a tragedy in one's own humanity.  I suppose someone with a chronic illness that leads to immobilization from pain might wonder why the pain has persisted, but the ability to engage in pain-causing movement is still possible.  It would seem to be more useful to simply shut down the motor function instead of constantly failing to move without pain.  I draw these analogues to sexual desire during chronic celibacy.  It would seem more useful to shut down sexual desire when it cannot result in mating or reproduction.  It otherwise results in useless pain that proceeds well beyond any useful negative reinforcement to repel undesireable celibacy.

 

Maybe the question I asked is wrong.  Maybe a more useful question to ask is: "What can we do to prevent good prospective mates that wait until marriage from being unable to marry anyone?"  I'm having a rough time believing that people have to wait for marriage without any end in sight are terrible people.  Waiting until marriage is a phenomenon I would've thought was something that humanity could exclusively offer nature for free as a CHOICE with the benefits it brings to society, of which, I've discussed only one of the many.  So, waiting for marriage alone makes these folks wonderful and beneficial to society simply from the most numerical point of view if not moral, which is even more interesting.  However, I find waiters to have just as much talent and character to offer humanity as non-waiters.  So, it doesn't make any sense that waiters simply "don't make the cut" for joining "sexual varsity."

 

I guess this is really just a lot of words for: "Why should waiters live in pain for doing the right thing?"  Well, as just another fellow waiter, I must say I know the pain of everyone here telling the truth.  In particular, I am sure the men think and feel as I do, at least, but I am quite sure it is much the same for the ladies too.  However, I refuse to cry about it.  I realize that this is a support group, but I find myself now knowing that I am not alone.  This has turned my sorrow into anger, because now I realize that there are more people I care about in pain too, and they didn't do anything wrong!  I hope that gets other people mad too, because I don't think this is a very good direction for humanity to be headed.  It doesn't benefit humanity at all to smash the hopes and dreams of those who work hard to bring more dignity into waiting until marriage by choosing to.

 

Is there anything anybody thinks we should do about this?  I don't think waiting without neither a plan, or for that matter, more importantly, without help from fellow waiters is going to cut it anymore.  I kind of riled myself up at the end of this post; and now, I am really mad that people are being penalized for doing the right thing.  I am open to suggestions about what to do about it, because I don't want to simply vent about the problems we might all be having.  I want to solve the problem because it has gone on for long enough.  I think we owe it to ourselves because we are worth it.  I don;t want to apologize for waiting, and I don't think anyone else should either.

[Steadfast Madcap 3,216]

I'm not totally sure what you're asking so just as a head's up my answer could be way off and not at all what you're looking for. 

 

I often wonder what the point of the pain of sexual desire is for a person with no hope for a mate.  I would've thought that it was to remain interested in finding a mate, but I wonder why it should persist at all after a longer period of time when nothing changes despite the longing.

 

It might be true that nature simply doesn't have a mechanism to ever shut off sexuality, because the members of a species that carry on are carrying sexual desire all the way to intercourse, and eventually reproduction.  Over time, the creatures with the most desire might actually be selected for.  

 

Perhaps nature simply doesn't care about how humans think and feel about celibacy, because those who can not acquire a mate will simply die out anyway. They will not carry their pathetic disposition into the genepool any further, and nature, therefore would've have solved the problem.

 

If this seems cynical, I agree.

 

It seems like you’re looking for a solid reason for why this particular difficulty exists. The thing is, I don’t think there’s a reason at all for it — it simply is, just like other bad things happen to good people all the time. I do not believe nature is a sentient force, so it is incapable of caring. Like you said, lifelong sexual desire is selected for because the people who have the highest sex drives are most likely to reproduce and pass on their genes. This isn’t just something that has been selected for in humans, but is really an important underlying drive in pretty much all species that reproduce sexually. I actually don’t find this cynical at all; I think any “reason†we could come up with would be far more cynical than simply accepting that sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason.

 

 

Maybe a more useful question to ask is: "What can we do to prevent good prospective mates that wait until marriage from being unable to marry anyone?"  I'm having a rough time believing that people have to wait for marriage without any end in sight are terrible people.  Waiting until marriage is a phenomenon I would've thought was something that humanity could exclusively offer nature for free as a CHOICE with the benefits it brings to society, of which, I've discussed only one of the many.  So, waiting for marriage alone makes these folks wonderful and beneficial to society simply from the most numerical point of view if not moral, which is even more interesting.  However, I find waiters to have just as much talent and character to offer humanity as non-waiters.  So, it doesn't make any sense that waiters simply "don't make the cut" for joining "sexual varsity."

 

I guess this is really just a lot of words for: "Why should waiters live in pain for doing the right thing?" This has turned my sorrow into anger, because now I realize that there are more people I care about in pain too, and they didn't do anything wrong!  I hope that gets other people mad too, because I don't think this is a very good direction for humanity to be headed.  It doesn't benefit humanity at all to smash the hopes and dreams of those who work hard to bring more dignity into waiting until marriage by choosing to.

 

Is there anything anybody thinks we should do about this?  I don't think waiting without neither a plan, or for that matter, more importantly, without help from fellow waiters is going to cut it anymore.  I kind of riled myself up at the end of this post; and now, I am really mad that people are being penalized for doing the right thing.  I am open to suggestions about what to do about it, because I don't want to simply vent about the problems we might all be having.  I want to solve the problem because it has gone on for long enough.  I think we owe it to ourselves because we are worth it.  I don;t want to apologize for waiting, and I don't think anyone else should either.

 

I don’t think anyone says people who wait till marriage are terrible people (weird sure, but not terrible). It’s true, not everyone who is WTM will marry — but then, neither will plenty of non-waiters. Ultimately, I don’t think we can do much to change that. Every waiter is different, so the things that may hold one individual back won’t be a problem at all for someone else. And, of course, there is always a lot of luck involved in love as well. I don’t see why that is angering, exactly; from my perspective, there’s no sentient being(s) or force(s) who is smashing waiter’s dreams or penalizing them. It simply a sad fact of life that, just as some people are hit by drunk drivers and are injured for the rest of their lives, there are some people who end up alone for the entirety of their lives. No one is asking waiters to apologize, and no one is saying they’re bad people or undeserving of love. But I don’t see how the fact that sometimes very good people are very unlucky is something we can plan around or solve.

 

Perhaps I'm totally misunderstanding your point (if so, feel free to correct me), or perhaps this answer will strike you as depressing. But it's the only perspective I have to offer.

[573V3N 531]

A very well constructed post, GodsPhysicist. Good job!

Like you mentioned about hunger & thirst, which is our bodies' way of telling us that we are lacking a necessity in order to survive individually, we are ingrained with a desire to mate to survive as a species and it makes me wonder if we are instinctively aware of our own mortality. That being said, we are not mindless animals that is devoid of reason, but yet there is some sort of natural feeling in marriage. Emotions & sentiments of love aside, the historical and legal statement marriages say to the rest of our kind are "I have chosen this person to be my spouse and/or any children that result from this union shall be recognized as our legitimate descendants and legal heirs of our legacy" is something that cannot be written off.

Hopefully, when its our time, its with the right person & right reasons, though.

[Buster Cannon 1,432]

I guess this is really just a lot of words for: "Why should waiters live in pain for doing the right thing?"  Well, as just another fellow waiter, I must say I know the pain of everyone here telling the truth.  In particular, I am sure the men think and feel as I do, at least, but I am quite sure it is much the same for the ladies too.  However, I refuse to cry about it.  I realize that this is a support group, but I find myself now knowing that I am not alone.  This has turned my sorrow into anger, because now I realize that there are more people I care about in pain too, and they didn't do anything wrong!  I hope that gets other people mad too, because I don't think this is a very good direction for humanity to be headed.  It doesn't benefit humanity at all to smash the hopes and dreams of those who work hard to bring more dignity into waiting until marriage by choosing to.

 

Is there anything anybody thinks we should do about this?  I don't think waiting without neither a plan, or for that matter, more importantly, without help from fellow waiters is going to cut it anymore.  I kind of riled myself up at the end of this post; and now, I am really mad that people are being penalized for doing the right thing.  I am open to suggestions about what to do about it, because I don't want to simply vent about the problems we might all be having.  I want to solve the problem because it has gone on for long enough.  I think we owe it to ourselves because we are worth it.  I don;t want to apologize for waiting, and I don't think anyone else should either.

 

My belief is this: doing the right thing doesn't guarantee us happiness. Waiting is hard, no doubt, but at the same time I don't believe that I'm owed a spouse just for doing it. "Doing the right thing is its own reward" and all that jazz. We aren't being "penalized", it's just the simple fact that in 2015, these streets aren't exactly waiter-friendly. The best thing a waiter can do is continue to develop grow (spiritually/mentally/physically/career/etc.), so that they continue to become a stronger version of themselves. The waiting process itself builds character.

[Chak 217]

There is good points explaining your question above, but to understand better, we have to remember that a fleshy body and a soul can make anybody confirme that we are independent beings, who got needs to survive food, sleep,sex etc etc.. but  the reality is totaly diffrent, as God created Eve from Adams body (as all creatures in pairs) made him incomplete without her, and need eachother to feel peace within themselves, so the pain you are talking abt is spiritual, the need to connect with the other who ment to be your missing part to complete you, either you are a male or a female get more intense and painful till the both bodies and souls be as one as they are always ment to be  beside that as humans we dunno alot abt the spiritual world secrets ..

[meandmyfaith 96]

This topic seems very interesting I would love to answer it, but unfortunately I could not read it till the end. It is tooooooo loooooonnnnnnnggggg!!!!!

I hope I will make time one day.

God bless u.

[Novelist 91]

 

I am wondering, then, if we should simply dismiss constant or even increasing involuntary sexual desire well into celibate life as not just a natural failure to reproduce, but also a tragedy in one's own humanity.

 

I have to admit that you sometimes lose me with your posts, GodsPhysicist, but that line in particular stuck out for me. I hope I'm not misunderstanding it.

 

For me, that is exactly what it has felt like at times: a tragedy of MY humanity. I had a high sex drive for most of my life, and though it has evened out, my sexuality is still very present. It feels like a denial of an enormous part of my identity that I have never been able to embrace someone in that way, to share sex with someone, or to fully, physically comprehend it myself. It's like an unstudied part of my being that, for want of having a partner, I must deny, possibly forever. Yet I am painfully aware of its existence.

 

There must be people who, even while sexual, feel satisfied enjoying their sexuality in a selfish manner. When I say this, I mean people who prefer pornography to existing partners, and perhaps even people who would rather enjoy sex with prostitues or endless casual partners. I am not like that at all. In order to fully embrace my sexuality, I NEED another person whom I love and trust, and I NEED to be actually, physically affectionate and sexual with that person. To say that waiting has allowed me to reach my full potential as a person would be a lie. In fact, I believe it has led to a measure of depression I must try to overcome daily, and that in itself affects my life. I believe waiting is the right thing to do, and so I do it, but I cannot pretend that it has brought joy into my life. Depression, also, does not exactly make one fit for a spouse, so it can be a vicious cycle.

 

I don't know what the point of the pain might be.

[GodsPhysicist 476]

I have to admit that you sometimes lose me with your posts, GodsPhysicist, but that line in particular stuck out for me. I hope I'm not misunderstanding it.

 

I am misunderstood on a regular basis.  If you are lost, you might ask me to provide you a map.  I need constructive criticism to improve, and I look for it wherever I can.  As an author, I assume you would be a fine candidate in helping me improve my writing.

 

 

I don't know what the point of the pain might be.

 

I decided to answer my own post after much introspection.

 

The point of the pain, imho, is to motivate me to improve.  Regardless of the outcome on my outlook for intimate relationship, having the potential to earn one would certainly make me a better person yet again.

 

Let me make a confession to provide an example of how this has happened before in my life.  I decided early in life that achievement was always going to trump relationship.  As a result, I never worked on the things that most focus on to improve their successes in making friends.  In short, I was a "scrub."  I was hopeless not only because I didn't care, but I was indifferent for so long that I failed to notice after several years.  I began to assume that I would remain isolated for the rest of my life, and I would never have any friends.

 

I had friends anyway, but they were incredibly patient now that I think back, but they always initiated the friendships.  Friends would come to me every once-in-a-while, but I always felt something was wrong.  I was a scrub for so long that I forgot I was one, and I never figured out the reason why everyone seemed bothered by presence.  I would wonder why I never got invited to things and why groups of happy people would frown and disperse when I arrived.

 

This is the part that reminds my of my original question.  The feelings of loneliness (the painful indication that I starve to be with people) I began to experience outweighed my desire for creative solitude (which wasn't and still isn't bad by itself).  The loneliness was painful indeed, but this one emotion motivated me to make a change in my life when all other factors failed to do so.  Loneliness had a true place in my life, and caused me to make one of the greatest changes in my life that I have ever made.  To be fair, I am a little ashamed that I forgot how useful that pain was because it changed my life forever.  I will return to this idea later in the post.

 

Then, I finally caved in.  I decided that I was still a smart guy, and I should figure it out.  I also knew I had Jesus, and I checked with Him about it too.  It turns out, He had been screaming at me about it for a very long time, and I just kept making excuses.  I finally asked myself: "Now that I am willing to make a change, what change must I make to learn to make friends on my own?"  I knew what I had to do, I had to first present someone pleasant enough to meet for the first time.  This, embarrasingly enough, meant "cleaning up my act."  I cut my hair, I cleaned my clothes much more often, took much better care of my skin, etc. etc. and on and on.

 

The "damnedest" thing happened after I "cleaned up."  People came to me.  They came to me because they wanted to.  There was this easier demeanor on everyone's faces too, which I later figured out was the difference between truly wanting to say "Hi" and feeling obligated to do so while trying really hard to be polite.  Then, I realized I had nothing to say, because I was out of practice from being away for so long.

 

Then I learned that the secret to beginning or maintaining interesting conversation with people is to ask what OTHERS care about, not just talk about whatever is on my mind at the given moment.  As someone who was a student for a long time, I found this to be the best way I could practice this with other people; by learning about THEM.  I learned so much about people since then, and it almost brings a tear to my eye.  Learning about other people all the time was a constant reminder of why I loved them so much.  This further reinforced my desires to keep making friends because it was getting more and more enjoyable.

 

By the time I had this all figured out, I realized I had figured out how to make friends late in life than most, but I learned it.  I learned how to make friends at 31 years old.  That's right; 31.  But I did it.  If this seems sad, on the contrary, I can't think of any greater acheivement in my life than that.  The reason is, I always thought I would just be an isolated loser for the rest of my life, but I have been restored by Jesus and followed Him into true fulfillment in relationships.  I can't tell you about how much elation that I routinely experience knowing that I went from assuming I would always be "zero" to eventually becoming "hero."  It turns out that I can be a scientist and have fulfilling relationships too.  Jesus was right again, He truly desires that I not only have life, but that more abundantly.  Take it from me.

 

This is where I return full circle.  All of this was caused by the PAIN of loneliness.  It was the sole motivator in making a change in my life for the better.  It certainly has become the best of changes.  I am grateful for living in a natural world that already figured all of this out, and I give credit to Jesus for overseeing all of it with this kind of wisdom beyond my control.

 

I now know what I must do.  If its painful for me to go without sex, then I must become sexually attractive.  I will go through this wonderful adventure in relationships all over again at the next level, and I will succeed just like I had with all of my friends.  I love all of my friends, past, present, and future; and I will love my wife when I earn her.  I love Jesus so much for everything that works perfectly even when I am not perfect, and I love Him for always making sure I feel loved and worth it even before I finally do what He Wants.

 

The fact that I learned how to make friends so late in life, at 31, has a rather interesting perk too.  It shows me it is never too late to become sexually attractive because it was likewise never too late to make friends.  I am getting rather excited to begin now.  I am going to "be somebody" yet again?  Yes.  Yes, I will.  Hell, I have plenty of data to support it if all else fails.

 

The point of the pain of my sexual desire now has become the motivation to make the next exciting change in my life.  I now realize that the reason I asked earlier is because I often overlook emotion as important.  I blamed the alarm instead of actually heeding its warning and solving the problem.  I won't make that mistake again.  Jesus created these alarms for me, and I will heed their warnings.  I should be grateful that the alarm is working normally after all this time.

 

Logically, I realize I have to supplement one of my other posts: "Time threshold for remaining celibate-for-life."  There is no time threshold; it is never too late to make a change.  My emotion alone is a normal indicator of what direction I need to go next.  I must prepare for a sexual relationship.  It is now clearly a desire of my heart (evident in the pain of going without), and Jesus is in the business of fulfilling these things.  I just need to follow Him again.