Being a whore is a goal now?

[Sobriquet 66]

Sorry for the explicit title.

 

First off, been a long time around. I found myself in a nice WTM relationship and all was well. That ended, and I've been looking around for over a year now.

 

Suffice to say, I did find a yound lady in my class who I liked. We just graduated from high school. She was a virgin, didn't smoke, didn't drink, did well in school, no tattoos, no piercings.

 

Everything was going well. We got along just fine, and she was very sweet to me.

 

Yesterday I told her I wanted to go steady, and then the truth came out.

 

She didn't want to be in a stable relationship because she wanted to be a whore in college. Not her exact words. She said she wanted to see what it was like "to party, flirt, and hang out with guys." I translated it to she wanted to screw around in college, and she confirmed though didn't quite care for my wording of it. (HA!)

 

I told her I wished I had known that's how she was before I got involved. Her reply was, and this is a direct quote from her text, "Thats not how I am. That's how I want to be... I just want to see what it's like."

 

The hell is this? Women actually want to "see what it's like" to be used as somebody plaything? I know you're not supposed to wish poorly on somebody, but I can't say I won't find it funny if her poor decisions come back to bite her.

 

If you can't tell, I'm a little angry. I cared a lot about this girl, but it turns out I was just supposed to be the first in her long line of guys. She said she didn't think I'd get so attached.

 

Oh well. Good riddance to a (future) whore!

[Buster Cannon 1,432]

Unfortunately, this is a mindset that a lot of folks have (both men and women). Party it up in their college years/early twenties, and then settle down once they've "gotten it out of their system". What's sad is that she doesn't realize how much that could come back to bite her when she gets older.

 

Anywho, it's good that you were able to find this out and break it off with her. Hopefully you'll be able to find someone that thinks more long-term.

[Welcome 58]

You're wrong she wouldn't be a whore. Whore implies an exchange of money.

She would be a slut(the proper term).

And although it isn't particularly the best goal be glad that she told you. Imagine if she didn't and you met her years later and she did herself as a "good girl", you'd be toast.

Also one last thing. Live and let live. I generally find joy in that people have the right to do what makes them happy, even her (even though she wouldn't be receiving any kind of marriage proposal of me). She may even still make a valuable friend.

[Sobriquet 66]

Yeah, it just hurts a lot. I don't know what her deal is though. She didn't act like it was a hookup or casual sex kind of relationship. She even told me it was too soon when I tried to kiss her (I did kiss her on a later date). She acted like she cared for me. I met her parents and everything, she wanted to meet mine. It was so not sexual in nature. A lot of time spent talking, joking. I feel like I was just used to give her emotional validation. Somebody to make her feel good.

 

Heh, thanks for the definition. I've always seen the two terms used pretty interchangeably.

 

It's just such a shame. She seemed like such a good girl, and I thought I had finally found somebody. The second girl I've ever gotten to kiss, and it meant next to nothing.

 

I don't know if I'm stupid or weak or what. I still do want to talk to her. We're on good terms now. I've told her I'd be willing to be with her until she finds somebody else. I guess I've got some vague hope of making her change her mind.

 

On one hand I'm furious, on the other I'm just sad. I don't know if I want to hate her or miss her.

[hanachu 275]

It's good you cleared the air on expectations now rather than later, but nothing you've said makes me think she's saying or choosing this to spite you. She's been honest and up-front about what she wants, and I think that's more admirable than having you on the side as the "safe guy" while she dates other people.

 

From what I gather, she's just different than you expected the "ideal her" to be, and that's not anything that warrents ridicule or bitterness.

 

Personally, if a guy I dated stormed off after I told him how I want to persue more relationships and then went online to call me a whore/slut, I'd feel relieved that I found out about his crippling narrow-mindedness earlier rather than later. I was never anyone's "ideal woman" and if a guy gets upset because I somehow didn't live up to his image of me, fuck him. I'll fart as loud as I want, wherever I want.

[Welcome 58]

"Thats not how I am. That's how I want to be... I just want to see what it's like."

I believe her given the new information. She WANTS to be a slut but as of now she's not and probably doesn't know how to be.

Of course you still feel something for her and want to mend this. I urge you to tread carefully so that she doesn't take advantage of you(sexually or otherwise).

I also urge you to stop spending your energy on her and find other people talk to or things to do.

Don't hate her and just realize that the both of you are incompatible which is fine. And you really did luck out that she told you.

[Olivier 803]

I've told her I'd be willing to be with her until she finds somebody else. 

 

Wait... what?

[Sobriquet 66]

She wasn't up front about it at all. Never bothered to say a thing about it until I confronted her about why she didn't want to be in a relationship. She just assumed I wanted the same. I don't think it was out of dishonesty. I think she just never considered I wanted something more. And, sorry, but what she wants to be is a slut. Facts are facts. You can do what you want, but don't expect everyone else to sugarcoat it for you. Be ready to defend your decisions and live up to consequences. She doesn't want relationships. She wants to foregoe meaningful relationships to pursue one night stands and hookups at parties. Not saying she can't or even shouldn't, but it's naive to think criticism of your actions is verboten. I made this post fully knowing somebody was probably going to give me hell for it, and I'm not offended that it happened.

 

Didn't storm off by the way. We're on very good terms and could still be whatever it is we are. I'd really have no problem with that to be honest. We have a lot of fun together, and as of now she's still an honest girl in terms of her actions. I'm not otherwise involved with anyone, and there's really nobody for me to pursue at the moment. I don't see anything wrong with having non-sexual fun with someone. You don't have to date a girl to take her to the movies and laugh over dinner. She's paying for her half of the bill though, lol.

 

I'm not really mad at her. I was, but that was more of a symptom of my frustration at another failed relationship. I've cooled down a bit, and I'm not really upset about it anymore. I just have a lot of trouble understanding this whole throwing away morals for college deal. What's the point? I mean, if they're all meaningless hookups, what's the point? I can understand wanting to have sex, but I don't get why having a bunch of different partners would be a desirable thing. I don't get wanting to be used. She's refused to have sex with any of her past boyfriends, and now she's just going to get with random people? It makes absolutely no sense, but it's the truth.

['tis the Bearded One 662]

 I mean, if they're all meaningless hookups, what's the point? I can understand wanting to have sex, but I don't get why having a bunch of different partners would be a desirable thing. I don't get wanting to be used. 

 

Probably because she doesn't see it as being used. She may have been wooed by the sexual empowerment rhetoric of some strands of feminism (http://www.newsrealblog.com/2010/08/01/leftist-feminists-proudly-embrace-sluthood-objectification-and-subjugation-of-women/). Maybe have some discussions with her as to any deeper philosophical drives behind her choice?

[Lexia322 229]

like others have said, it's a good thing you found out her stance early on.

it sucks when the situation looks soo right and you think they could be the one and then they hit you with something totally unexpected. you wonder if they were acting the whole time.

I feel your pain tho. I've been in a similar situation in the past but I quickly bailed out before I became too emotionally invested in the situation.

nothing worse than wasting valuable time in dead-end situations that benefit no one.. this is why I stay away from "gotta sow my wild oats" type males lol they come my way but I'm learning to say no to them. it feels good to not compromise your values.

[Lexia322 229]

Wait... what?

yeah don't wait on the sidelines for her to come around. strong people keep moving even after a disappointment.

but like you said if you like her as a friend/person and wanna just hang out with her with no expectations then I think that's fine. it's your choice.

[Jasmine23 1,605]

Welcome is right.... she wouldn't be a whore just a Slut..... so so vulgar.

But then again a Whore doesn't have to take money she or he could take other things like std's and a piece of someone's heart.

[PaulJustPaul 801]

Welcome is right.... she wouldn't be a whore just a Slut..... so so vulgar.

But then again a Whore doesn't have to take money she or he could take other things like std's and a piece of someone's heart.

BOOM!

[JesSea 905]

I sympathize. I went through a situation like this in college: dated someone at the beginning of college, he lost his faith and claimed it wasn't "cool" to be "so religious" and that he didn't want to be a "dork." Well he ended up with another girl who mistreated him terribly and he got into a huge mess of trouble. People say that they learn from their mistakes, but deliberately putting yourself in a bad situation is just foolish. 

 

To the OP: Just keep doing what you know is right. Keep your self respect and find someone who will appreciate you. Don't wait around for someone who doesn't share your values. 

[Guest]

Hearing the situation rings all too familiar with me. I faced a similar situation a few years ago from a woman who shared similar interests as me. Except the whole sleeping around part. She basically used me emotionally which is just the same as using someone sexually. I had such hate for her for a very long time. Ultimately, it changed who i was as a person. It changed the very core of me and looking back on it years later I realize it wasn't worth it to have hate in my heart towards her. I constantly struggled between wanting to be with her and just wanting her out of my life.

Don't change who you are for someone else. Just be glad you didn't do something that you'd later regret. My relationship wasn't always the purest and there were things we shouldn't have done but we always stopped before things went too far. You'll look back on this and realize it was for the best one day. Time does heal all wounds. Just have patience and keep an open heart.

[Luke 60]

That title is pretty harsh. Usually, I'm in favor for reconciliation. It maybe possible, but from what you stated it seems unlikely.

Wait... what?

Yeah, I agree. If she is going to pursue another relationship, you shouldn't stick around and wait for it. I personally wouldn't be able to stand that. If that is the case, you should just move on.

[Sobriquet 66]

I let my better sensibilities overcome my emotional attachment. If I thought I could be around her in the capacity of "just for fun" like she wanted I'm lying to myself. I care too much for her, and I'm not going to hang around until she gets bored and finds a guy at a party to lay with. If she wants meaningless, vapid hookups she can go ahead. I'm not going to stand on the sidelines, and when she's done having her "fun" and decides to find somebody decent I hope she doesn't think it will be me. It won't be.

 

And I still don't understand the hookup culture, but I don't think I ever will. It all comes down to how much emotion you attach to sexual relations. Apparently I value it a lot more than she does. For some it's a meaningful connection, for others I suppose it's more of a hobby lol.

 

As an aside, I hated having to send the message via text, but there was no way for me to see her within the next week. I'm not going to let it fester that long. I've just got to move on. It's been a couple of hours and she hasn't messaged back. I suppose it makes little difference if she does or not. Even though I don't mean much to her I still want to part on good terms.

[Guest]

Not every thing in life is parted on good terms. But take comfort in knowing you said what you needed to say and you were a man about it. Your character is what will draw women to you. Be strong brother.

[hanachu 275]

And, sorry, but what she wants to be is a slut. Facts are facts.

 

Are you saying that derogatory terms are a-OK as long as it's "true"? Oh happy is the day I bequeath the title of Ching-Chongs and N*ggers to my friends!

 

You can do what you want, but don't expect everyone else to sugarcoat it for you. Be ready to defend your decisions and live up to consequences.

 

She made a choice, and her consequence was you becoming a criticizing, judgemental "friend". Good job! Now if you go online and call her a slut, she'll REALLY understand the gravity of what she's done!

 

If I was the girl in this position, I would want us to mutually agree "yes, this won't work out" and amicably go our separate ways WITHOUT HIM CALLING ME A SLUT.

 

Is that asking too much from anyone?

[barryallen 10]

Oh get off your politically correct high horse will you.

[Buster Cannon 1,432]

I'm with Sobriquet on this one. In not so many words, his friend said that she wants to sleep around when she gets to college. While I personally don't make it a habit of using terms like 'slut', if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, quacks like a duck...well you get the idea. By sleeping around she's choosing to take part in that lifestyle, and by association whatever negative stigmas are associated with it.

Racial slurs aren't nearly the same thing. Someone calling me the N-word would be considered offensive because it's a prejudice based on something that is beyond my control and has nothing to do with my worth as a person. Choosing to sleep around is something that you DO have control over, and is generally looked at as a negative trait. 'Slut' isn't a politically correct term, but then again the truth often isn't.

[Jasmine23 1,605]

Are you saying that derogatory terms are a-OK as long as it's "true"? Oh happy is the day I bequeath the title of Ching-Chongs and N*ggers to my friends!

 

 

She made a choice, and her consequence was you becoming a criticizing, judgemental "friend". Good job! Now if you go online and call her a slut, she'll REALLY understand the gravity of what she's done!

 

If I was the girl in this position, I would want us to mutually agree "yes, this won't work out" and amicably go our separate ways WITHOUT HIM CALLING ME A SLUT.

 

Is that asking too much from anyone?

He didn't call her a SLUT I did

What does this have to do with racism? He didn't give anythingto say shes black or white or oriental.....

[Matthew 2,546]

A duck is a duck regardless of how many ducks it has sex with. I don't get the point of calling people nasty names for living life differently than you think they should.

Besides, tell me something is a duck and I know a lot about that thing. Tell me someone is a slut and it tells me nothing. Probably tells me more about you, in fact

[Skylark 59]

I agree with hanachu. As a waiter, I appreciate when my choices for my sexual life are respected and not openly denigrated. I think it's only fair that I extend the same attitude to people who make different choices, even--perhaps especially--when I disagree.

The derogatory terms used to describe this woman have reduced her rich and complex personhood to a narrow description of sexual behavior. She, like all of us, is much more than her sex life.

Also, she has been labeled not for any specific actions, but for her intent, which seems particularly unfair.

I think the end of this relationship is probably for the best, but describing her in these terms is unnecessarily unkind.

[Welcome 58]

I believe you are incorrect SkyLark. Slut is just an adjective to describe her. It didn't mean that there aren't more adjectives to describe her like kind, caring, artist, or anything else.

And of course people should be labeled for their intent. Intent turns into action.