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Guest JDmantel

Does anyone else feel like this?

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I hate being alone so much. Waiting felt like a good choice but it make me sick sometimes. I feel hot in my stomach and get a writhing sensation and on the verge of tears. I don't date because I do have my heart set on a fellow waiter and the idea of both just being with each other is incredibly romantic to me, but it feels like an impossibility. I feel at the end of my tether. I know some people say they have plenty of distractions but nothing truly distracts me. I read a book and end up feeling alone, friends make me feel alone, work did, writing does. Life's shit if you're not sharing it with someone. Some days I cope but days like today... well it's a dark day. I feel hollow one moment, sick the next. And I get this way quite often. I'm not really sure what to do. I feel if I stick with it i'll be stuck forever and if I don't i'll maybe find someone but i'll have wasted and pissed away the last 5/6 years not to mention giving up on my dream.

 

Does anyone get like this? And what the hell do you do to keep going? I just want to curl up and cry sometimes but never do. Sorry to unload on everyone that reads this.

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I don't date because I do have my heart set on a fellow waiter and the idea of both just being with each other is incredibly romantic to me, but it feels like an impossibility. Life's shit if you're not sharing it with someone. I feel if I stick with it i'll be stuck forever and if I don't i'll maybe find someone but i'll have wasted and pissed away the last 5/6 years not to mention giving up on my dream.

 

Does anyone get like this? And what the hell do you do to keep going? I just want to curl up and cry sometimes but never do. Sorry to unload on everyone that reads this.

 

The only advice I can give you is to date. If you do not date, there is a 100% chance that you will continue to be alone. If you put yourself out there, you are increasing your chances every day. Knowing that you are actively trying to fix this problem will give you the motivation to keep going.

 

Your feelings are totally normal, and I'm sure nearly everyone here has felt like this at some point. I do vividly remember feeling like I was never going to be able to find a fellow virgin, and I was going to be alone for the rest of my life because no one would be willing to wait with me. I was wrong; I am sure that one day you will be happy to have been wrong as well.  :D Best of luck to you hun.

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There are many many many amazing girls out there even if they're not virgins.

Wouldn't you rather take a really nice, funny, empathetic girl who had been with 15 guys and was fine with my choices and patient with me... over a virgin girl who was a real piece of work, a shallow, superficial?

You're not dating a woman's privates. You're going to be with the whole of her, Are you really telling me if you meet the girl of your dreams, someone who feels as if they were created for you, and you find out they've been with 4 guys you'd push her aside and make for the virgin who you're not compatible with in any way? That seems crazy to me.

Go put yourself out there and date. Get to know new people. You're got to at least trying finding "her". Once you do you'll be smiling from ear to ear no matter what.

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@Welcome  Bit different in that you hadn't waited. No girl in England that i'm attracted to wants a 24 year old virgin. The moment they find that out, they either think you're joking, get annoyed with you for wasting their time (presumably because they ain't buying until they're trying) or ask with fear in their eyes 'you're religious?'  And then when you say it's a romantic choice they look at you ponderously and try and work out what's wrong with you because they can't fathom out waiting in a guy. I like liberal, independent, smart, empathetic, left wing girls. They're the very type that will not wait. And 15? I pulled that number from thin air, and yeah I  would date a girl who'd been with 15 but the point is they're probably not going to date me. And not wait. They're not the type. Hopefully I meet someone online and can go and meet them. 

 

Sometimes I just get incredibly depressed. Which is something I've suffered seriously with before. So sorry for the tone but when i'm down I feel hopeless, to the point that I can't see any point in merely existing and not living. And today and last night was/is one of those periods.

 

Thanks for the replies anyway.

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@Welcome  Bit different in that you hadn't waited. No girl in England that i'm attracted to wants a 24 year old virgin. The moment they find that out, they either think you're joking, get annoyed with you for wasting their time (presumably because they ain't buying until they're trying) or ask with fear in their eyes 'you're religious?'  And then when you say it's a romantic choice they look at you ponderously and try and work out what's wrong with you because they can't fathom out waiting in a guy. I like liberal, independent, smart, empathetic, left wing girls. They're the very type that will not wait. And 15? I pulled that number from thin air, and yeah I  would date a girl who'd been with 15 but the point is they're probably not going to date me. And not wait. They're not the type. Hopefully I meet someone online and can go and meet them. 

 

Sometimes I just get incredibly depressed. Which is something I've suffered seriously with before. So sorry for the tone but when i'm down I feel hopeless, to the point that I can't see any point in merely existing and not living. And today and last night was/is one of those periods.

 

Thanks for the replies anyway.

 

JHowe? 

 

You can't just arbitrarily declare that no liberal, left-wing woman will date you because you're a virgin. You're just deciding to quit before you even try while shifting the blame from yourself to the women who won't wait because "They're not the type".

 

I am sure that there are women out there who would wait for a virgin if they loved him enough. We even have women on this site who are not virgins but are waiting. If you don't want to be alone you need to get out there and start dating, complaining that the girls you're attracted to won't wait isn't going to make you any less lonely.

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@Mirage

 

I should have said I don't date currently. But that's due to weight gain because of knee ligament damage. And I've started playing football again and so I will start to date once I lose weight and get my muscles and fitness back. I made no mention of quitting, I was asking how people deal with being so lonely they feel sick? Those that do get like that, they were the ones I was addressing.  My dating was irrelevant because I was asking how people deal with the physical reaction I get!!

 

It was not an arbitrary declaration. It was not made on a whim without any reason or do you not know the definition of the word??Do you have an intense knowledge of English culture? You grow up over here? I've spent lots of time at school, uni, work with English liberal girls and they are all the same when it comes to sex. A virgin guy is a religious freak or a freak. I speak with a wealth of experience to back me up. Even virgin girls are labelled as 'frigid'. It's a very, very casual, sexually motivated culture.

 They're my friends and acquaintances and that's how I know a virgin guy has no chance because they constantly tell me i'm being ridiculous. They're not spiteful my friends, and want me to find someone but they think my best chance is by getting laid plenty first.

 

When did I say that no English left wing, liberal will date me??? The problem is they will date me and the moment sex comes up they cease dating. But they do date me.

 

Telling me to date though... I owe you an enormous debt of gratitude. Those words of wisdom I shall carry with me always. Arguably the best advice I've ever been given. Up there with  ''if you want a tan you'll have to go outside''  ''you're thirsty? drink something''  So once more I thank you, go forth across the lands spreading your wisdom...

 

Also 'JHowe'???

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Dude, lay off.

 

If you're going to disagree with Mirage for stating her observations, either keep it to yourself or give some logic behind it.

 

Also, Mirage's advice is still valid: Go date. Don't think "until I lose weight" or "until I'm physically fit". Find someone who's right for you. It doesn't have to be a "liberal girl that will only date me if I'll bone her." In fact, it's best if it isn't.

 

But if you're SO CONVINCED that your virginity is keeping all the single ladies from dating you, go to a bar, start a conversation with a random woman, get drunk and fuck. Congrats, you're not a virgin anymore and liberal women will flock from the far corners of the earth to date you.

 

Then again, I don't understand why anybody cares about people who judges others by how often they got laid. Friend or not, that's none of their goddamn business.

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I can absolutely sympathize with the fact that it is bloody difficult to date in the UK if you are a waiter. This actually was the final straw which made me decide I needed to change my life and move overseas as attempting to date as a waiter in London was laughably bad. The problem with the UK is that there is no real dating culture - it's more of a 'sex first, relationship later' place. I have no real advice to offer unfortunately but I completely understand where you're coming from and how difficult it is in the UK.

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There are many many many amazing girls out there even if they're not virgins.

Wouldn't you rather take a really nice, funny, empathetic girl who had been with 15 guys and was fine with my choices and patient with me... over a virgin girl who was a real piece of work, a shallow, superficial?

You're not dating a woman's privates. You're going to be with the whole of her, Are you really telling me if you meet the girl of your dreams, someone who feels as if they were created for you, and you find out they've been with 4 guys you'd push her aside and make for the virgin who you're not compatible with in any way? That seems crazy to me.

Go put yourself out there and date. Get to know new people. You're got to at least trying finding "her". Once you do you'll be smiling from ear to ear no matter what.

Nice sentiment but I must say I'm surprised that you're the one expressing it after some of your previous posts!

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@29K he's not, that was me he's quoting! And I stick with it, I would be with that girl but it's unlikely in the extreme that girl would be with me. Oh well!

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@29k

 

So where did you move to? I'm thinking of moving myself. And have been for a while! People think we're overstating it in England or just feeling sorry for ourselves but it is very much sex first, then date. Or at the very least only a few dates. Is it much better where you are?

 

@hanachu   What a load of drivel. How hard is it for you to understand i'm not looking for advice in relation to getting a girl? But in relation to how to drive away the sick feeling I get sometimes? It's advice that Steadfast posted anyway. Should I congratulate you and her for giving the exact same advice but with more aggression? Well done buddy. Thanks for your advice as well. 'go date' you're the third person to say that whilst telling me to 'lay off' really? Why don't you, Mr/Mrs White Knight, take that horse of yours, ride somewhere else and leave me alone??

Or perhaps you think I can't cope without regurgitated advice?? If you're going to get aggressive with me i'll do the exact same thing in return. Only I won't cry and whinge and say 'back off'

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Keep being strong about it! I've felt alone, hollow, and sick before. It's a test of your strength and patience, so just be strong. Like steel.

Singing or playing guitar sometimes helps me feel connected again.

Have you thought about moving to America? From what I understand there are more religious people here who are more likely to be waiters. Although I don't know if you're religious or not? That helps me a lot. Heaven will be real nice if I get to go there--earth is only temporary.

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I can absolutely sympathize with the fact that it is bloody difficult to date in the UK if you are a waiter. This actually was the final straw which made me decide I needed to change my life and move overseas as attempting to date as a waiter in London was laughably bad. The problem with the UK is that there is no real dating culture - it's more of a 'sex first, relationship later' place. I have no real advice to offer unfortunately but I completely understand where you're coming from and how difficult it is in the UK.

This attitude is pretty common in the U.S. too, unfortunately. I do think actually going on a date first is still pretty common (though some people skip even the date part), but sex usually is expected within a few dates. Maybe I'm wrong, but this is the vibe I get.

 

Anyways, to the original poster-I can somewhat relate. I will absolutely only date a virgin and it's been very difficult for me. I don't suffer the intense loneliness you say you do, but rather I experience rather serious moments of worrying. The worrying can distract me from other parts of my life, make it tough to fall asleep, ect....

 

By the way, I think it's hilarious that people act though waiters who will only marry virgins only care about their partner being a virgin. They make a childish, straw-man comparison by asking the "virgin-only waiter" if they would marry an otherwise terrible person who is a virgin over an absolutely wonderful person who is not a virgin. Obviously the "virgin-only waiter" wouldn't do that. Just because you insist on marrying a virgin it doesn't mean you'll marry any virgin even if she is an otherwise terrible person. Come on people. Enough with trying to make waiters who will only marry virgins out to be dumb, misguided, cruel or whatever other ridiculous negative trait you want to associate them with.

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@hanachu   What a load of drivel. How hard is it for you to understand i'm not looking for advice in relation to getting a girl? But in relation to how to drive away the sick feeling I get sometimes? It's advice that Steadfast posted anyway. Should I congratulate you and her for giving the exact same advice but with more aggression? Well done buddy. Thanks for your advice as well. 'go date' you're the third person to say that whilst telling me to 'lay off' really? Why don't you, Mr/Mrs White Knight, take that horse of yours, ride somewhere else and leave me alone??

Or perhaps you think I can't cope without regurgitated advice?? If you're going to get aggressive with me i'll do the exact same thing in return. Only I won't cry and whinge and say 'back off'

 

I told you to lay off of Mirage (and Steadfast by extension) because you were using ad hominem attacks on them.

 

Their advice given to be helpful, and you responded by being completely dismissive and basically saying they were stupid.

 

If that's how you treat people with advice or views you disagree with, I think that's a big issue in any relationship you'll have, platonic or otherwise.

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@hanachu   I appreciated Steadfast actually. She gave me the advice first, ok not advice I was looking exactly, for but did it in a nice way. So I apologise to her if I've said anything to dismiss her or not make her feel like the really nice person she is. As for you and Mirage... you went for me and I snapped back. I'm not going to have someone have a pop at me and just take it on the chin. I'm going to respond. I was feeling shitty and Mirage came along and went for the 'kick them when they're down' approach offering no help or any opinion that was relevant and just repeated what Steadfast said in an entirely different tone. As @29k proved I wasn't just whining it's really how I described it over here but I was asking for help when I feel sick.

 

@spirit2change read and responded accordingly. Said he'd experienced similar and offered up what he does as advice. That was helpful and relevant and I appreciated it. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my initial post but I've been clear in my last few. It's simple, you keep telling me to 'lay off' whilst continually having a pop. If you were to back off yourself i'd take heed. But if you can't follow your own advice and 'lay off' why the hell should I? I don't want to argue with anyone but I will if they say something I find obscene or have a go at me. Hopefully we can cease this petty argument.

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I understand your feelings of loneliness. We just gotta do the most we can to get married or be content with being single.

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Yes, I think everyone goes through those times of absolute loneliness. I somehow feel like it is part of life. I think going to church and praying helps me a lot. And also having someone to talk about it with. FYI, sometimes you just need a good cry.

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And also having someone to talk about it with. FYI, sometimes you just need a good cry.

 

I agree with this!!!! Getting your emotions out rather than keeping them bottled up inside is always the first step to getting over any type of depression/sadness. That way, you won't feel completely like you have to hide your true self from society since you'll have a situation in which you can totally be yourself and be ok with it.  I personally have found it very beneficial to go see a counsellor/psychologist every couple of weeks.  If they are well trained, they will suggest many good techniques to help reduce depression and negative thoughts from taking up your time (one very beneficial one is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) Only thing is, if you do decide to try it, be sure the counsellor is a good "fit" for you before you decide to see them regularly (I went to about 4 before I found my current one. ) but it was totally worth it cause I know I can go there, say whatever I feel and not be judged for being "weird" or "off" (which I believe is what you are after)

 

Something else I'd like to point out is that political views (left wing-right wing and such) are not very clear cut in a lot of cases and follow more of a spectrum. So far it seems that you have not had any luck with developing a relationship with the types of girls you described. Have you considered maybe checking out ones that are "conservative" by your definition? I'm one of these girls who is not clearly liberal or conservative  and one thing that really irks me is when people decide to label or put me in a "box" category based on one or 2 views I have (typically my waiting for marriage) Even though my decision to wait was not religiously motivated at all, people often call me "church girl" or something similar when they find out because in their mind,  only people who are very connected to a church and its rules would even think about waiting. I think it's the same in other cases too. Do you maybe feel that more liberal girls will in general feel more "liberated" as women and therefore be more independent, smart and sociable vs. a conservative girl who will feel more that she needs to fit a traditional female role and be more meek and submissive? I can tell you for certain that that's not the case. One of my best friends is a mormon but most people are surprised when they find out because she has a larger than life personality, likes to get together with people, party and dresses very attractively. She does have several conservative views but she's never preachy about them and always tries her best to respect other peoples point of view. She's also very open to date non-mormons and even has problems of her own because many of the guys she's attracted to (one's that have a similar personality to her and she has a good time with) are one's who don't want a any kind of serious relationship with her  :(

 

That's really just food for thought though. I ,of course, do not know all the details of your life so maybe you don't actually have the exact views I talked about but I'm putting it out there just in case cause it's something I'm strongly against. First and foremost, find a way to ease your negative feelings.  I believe that in and of itself will fix a lot :)

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Yes. I know this feeling. It varies, for me, when it hits. Sometimes it will happen more often, while other times it seems to happen just once in a while. It is very disheartening. I don't know what your religious views are, or what kinds of things you believe. So, you'll have to take what I tell you however you see fit.

 

I do a lot of praying during those times. I try to focus myself on my interests (usually photography), my nephews and caring for them, praying (and by praying, for me, I mean talking to my true Father as though he's right there next to me) A LOT, crying, watching lots of romantic comedies (as a way of overloading my heart, and finding happiness for others because that helps me in a huge way... being happy for others and their happiness, even if it is irrational and fictional), and sometimes I even talk to the people I'm closest to.

 

It might help to pay attention to when these feelings come on. What is going on in your life? Did something in particular happen to make it more apparent? Did you, maybe, meet someone whom you took in an interest? Maybe something on the news? Anything, really. Maybe keep a regular journal of your feelings, and what is going on in your life, including anything that stands out during a normal day. If you can figure out an correlation between what's going on in your life, and these feelings becoming heavier, then you might be able to figure out how to help yourself get through it a little more smoothly. Just a thought. I do have a reason for this thought, but it's kind of personal. It's just that our feelings usually have some connection with our life. So, it's not far fetched to think that when the sick feeling of loneliness is heavy, means that something is causing it.

 

 

I am sorry that you have to feel this way. It's not a good feeling, and I wish there were more I could say.

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