Bashful_dove48

How to deal with my Christian boyfriend's porn addiction?

36 posts in this topic

Will, thank you so much for sharing your personal experience and godly wisdom. It really helps a lot reading your testimony. I encourage you to share with other godly men if you get the opportunity.

Dmeg, I appreciate that you are trying to help, but I have already made the choice not to break up with him over this unless it gets worse or I find out he gave up on quitting. I'm not going to run from the first issue that comes along, especially if he's recognized he has a problem.

Also I wouldn't be in the relationship if marriage wasn't the goal. I know that if its God's will for us to be together, He will continue to change us and bring us closer.

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Update: So as of yesterday, its been 7 months we've been together. We had dinner the other day, and afterwards I gently asked how he's doing regarding the addiction.

This time I prepared myself for the worst..and it was. He was doing really good at not watching it, but then he slipped.

We prayed, we cried, I reassured him that God IS going to set him free from this.

It didn't hurt as bad as the first time he told me about it, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt.

I'm wondering if I should take a break from him for a few days so I can really seek God about this. I can't just put on a mask like everything's fine. It would be too painful. What should I tell my boyfriend though? I don't want him to get distracted in his classes.

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Did you suggest him the YourBrainOnPorn website and Reddit NoFap challenge? They are kind of friendly communities whn talking about this - and convince him to install porn-blocking software.

It is not that porn-addicted people don't try to be away from porn, it is just that it is readily available everywhere on the net. For example, even in many download sites, porn ads pop up, or even worse - they just tempt people. I wish I could help him configure a proxy to filter information through (there are some word-based filters). You may try installing an AV software and enabling parental control.

I know you are supporting him well, but be with him for more time - do not leave him alone - he may need to just know that there is some woman - a real woman waiting for her; remember, it is a battle with his addiction and himself. He has to keep himself busy with other things; let him express his sexuality in other ways - by writing, drawing, etc. and he may get tired - and I know you will be there to encourage him to get out of the addiction, at the end of the day. Whenever I had some problem, I started keeping myself very busy with reading and understanding things - and it worked mostly well with me, although it is tiring.

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Update: So as of yesterday, its been 7 months we've been together. We had dinner the other day, and afterwards I gently asked how he's doing regarding the addiction.

This time I prepared myself for the worst..and it was. He was doing really good at not watching it, but then he slipped.

We prayed, we cried, I reassured him that God IS going to set him free from this.

It didn't hurt as bad as the first time he told me about it, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt.

I'm wondering if I should take a break from him for a few days so I can really seek God about this. I can't just put on a mask like everything's fine. It would be too painful. What should I tell my boyfriend though? I don't want him to get distracted in his classes.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know it must hurt a lot and you probably feel like you're being compared to the girls your bf sees. But you should never have to mask how you really feel. You have shown him grace so far and that's good but there needs to be tough love too. You need to be firm with him and not hold back how much it is really hurting you. Trust me, I know from experience how difficult this battle is, but it can be won. It is likely there will be a relapse every once in a while, but that can be avoided too if he is willing to fight this with everything he has. You should not settle for anything less than that. You do not deserve to have him keep hurting you. How much you're willing to stay in the relationship is up to you. But there has to come a point where he has to choose between you or his addiction.

 

I strongly recommend he get counseling and http://x3watch.com/. Have him download that software to every device he has from his phone to his computer. Have him register your email and any other friend he's comfortable with so that you can all monitor him in case he feels the temptation again. Accountability is a very powerful thing and it has helped me tremendously. It's hard to slip up knowing that people are watching me.

 

Lastly, I would have your bf watch this video. It's long but life-changing: 

 

 

It includes an interview of a former porn star and her horrific experiences in the industry. She was raped, abused and drugged many times and this is very common in porn. This video in particular was a big smack in my face because the former porn star was one I recognized from some of the porn I've watched in the past. When I saw this, I broke down in tears knowing that I as a former consumer contributed to the kind of barbaric treatment of a human being with her own hopes, feelings and dreams. I hated myself for it and felt like a complete monster. Every time I got tempted, I just rewatch this video and it has kept me away from that destructive path. I know it will affect your bf too.

 

Best of luck. You are in my prayers.

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Thank you, Invincible. I decided to take a break from him until Saturday (we go to his church on Saturdays) so I could have a little time to heal and pray about the situation.

When I see him again I am going to ask him what specific actions he's going to take to fight the addiction. I will also mention some of the suggestions people have posted on here.

I realize I need to be honest with him about my feelings, but what's hard for me is not knowing how much of my emotions to share. I'm pretty sure he knows I feel hurt and betrayed so wouldn't sharing the details of those emotions just make him more guilty?

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I'm so sorry to hear that. I know it must hurt a lot and you probably feel like you're being compared to the girls your bf sees. But you should never have to mask how you really feel. You have shown him grace so far and that's good but there needs to be tough love too. You need to be firm with him and not hold back how much it is really hurting you. Trust me, I know from experience how difficult this battle is, but it can be won. It is likely there will be a relapse every once in a while, but that can be avoided too if he is willing to fight this with everything he has. You should not settle for anything less than that. You do not deserve to have him keep hurting you. How much you're willing to stay in the relationship is up to you. But there has to come a point where he has to choose between you or his addiction.

 

I strongly recommend he get counseling and http://x3watch.com/. Have him download that software to every device he has from his phone to his computer. Have him register your email and any other friend he's comfortable with so that you can all monitor him in case he feels the temptation again. Accountability is a very powerful thing and it has helped me tremendously. It's hard to slip up knowing that people are watching me.

 

Lastly, I would have your bf watch this video. It's long but life-changing: 

 

 

It includes an interview of a former porn star and her horrific experiences in the industry. She was raped, abused and drugged many times and this is very common in porn. This video in particular was a big smack in my face because the former porn star was one I recognized from some of the porn I've watched in the past. When I saw this, I broke down in tears knowing that I as a former consumer contributed to the kind of barbaric treatment of a human being with her own hopes, feelings and dreams. I hated myself for it and felt like a complete monster. Every time I got tempted, I just rewatch this video and it has kept me away from that destructive path. I know it will affect your bf too.

 

Best of luck. You are in my prayers.

Thank you very much Invincible for being so honest and sharing your struggle and victory also...

I do understand and congratulations for your decision.

I didn't understand this struggle of men with pornography until I read the book "Wild at heart" from John Eldredge.

And in it, he explains how a man is visual and God created him like this on purpose.

Men have to learn to control their desire and their eyes. It is a battle and I know those who want to and those who put their faith in God can win this battle.

By doing so, they set a great and solid foundation for their current marriage or marriage to be...

A woman will feel very secure with her husband living free from pornography...

Thank you again Vince :)

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I think most guys struggle with this. I had to tell myself Do you want to do this or put God first knowing that God is watching? Also I put blockers on my own laptop for a while and stopped watching HBO thursday nights lol

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I'd say try to show some compassion towards your boyfriend because how hard porn addiction can be to kick.  I also empathize with your hurt over his addiction and his slip ups.

 

Here's two other interesting videos: 

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/uAbUtrwYETg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> 
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/wSF82AwSDiU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> 
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Well I don’t know if you two are still together as this response is a bit down the road but what the heck.

On 4/30/2015 at 10:52 PM, Bashful_dove48 said:

in a world where probably 98% of the male gender watch it.

At least this is not naïve :) and I would guess definitely true.

On 4/30/2015 at 10:52 PM, Bashful_dove48 said:

I'm frustrated about this.

I completely understand how and why this would bother you. What would he think and how would he react if you told him you too masturbate to porn? That might make him think twice about what he’s doing. I bet he would feel the exact same way you do.

I don’t know if he is a guy with a high drive. But if he is, you can’t even begin to understand how mentally and physically taxing it is to remain celibate, any more than he can understand what menstruating is like. The average man can have 10x more the testosterone than a woman and those levels can oscillate every 15-20 minutes. He can also go through complete cycle in a 24 hour period. The higher his testosterone levels are, it gets dramatically more difficult to control oneself. This is why every day can be immensely difficult for many men to control and without a way to release that intense hormonal drive, it can be hell.

On 4/30/2015 at 10:52 PM, Bashful_dove48 said:

He promised that the man I marry won't watch porn

This is definitely true for many men. Once they have a wife and experience the full emotional, mental, and physical joys of intimacy, they won’t even think twice about porn. However, some men even when married will always struggle with the temptation of porn. Unless he has been married and can say that from experience, he might want to be more careful when making those promises.

On 4/30/2015 at 10:52 PM, Bashful_dove48 said:

I'm definitely praying for him, but is there any way I can hold him accountable in this?

You certainly can help support him to overcome this challenge…Just ask him if he wants you to help. If he does, then you two can sit down and discuss your options. There are websites that will track, monitor, and block porn for people wanting to stop.

Lastly, you should be very proud of yourself for showing him grace. Personally, I think you’re handling this very admirably and you should give yourself a pat on the back:). Just keep in mind how difficult every single day can be for some guys.

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