Steadfast Madcap

"5 reasons we can't handle marriage anymore," what do you think?

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This article seems to have been creating quite the stir, both on social media and traditional media. It seems like people either love it, or really, really hate it. What do you guys think? (You have to scroll past a giant video to get to the article proper)

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Everything occurs for multiple reasons, but I think much of this has to do with the fact that we can indeed divorce if we want, and we will not be social outcasts if we do.

Awful marriages have existed much longer then divorce (woman being able to file in particular) in our country. Assuming our great grandparents where in love because they did not divorce is simply not true. I was fortunate to meet most of my great-grandparents, and two of the four couples did not love each other! One was happily married, the other was contently married, one was in an abusive relationship, and the other couple had cheated on each other and fell out of love. Doesn't sounds very different from today's statistics, but none of them divorced. It simply wasn't done.

In my grandparents generation, divorce came to be.. There where only two divorces in my family (very large family) and both women had physically abusive alcoholic husbands, and left as soon as divorce was legal. That doesn't mean that everyone else in my family was in a happy relationship. But, divorce was new, and they simply thought people should stay together unless there was an extreme problem.

Today, that is not the case. People leave if they are unhappy, and society sees nothing wrong with it! I think part of the problem with this isn't actually their partner, but because many people never learn how to be happy to begin with, and "think" that their partner is responsible for how happy they are, or are not.

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Interesting article!

At first I didn't quite agree with the first 'reason' why marriages didn't work out.

Sex, being number 1 I almost found it laughable.

However as I continued to read the article, my opinion shifted.

I guess when folks 'share' themselves relentlessly prior to marriage, when married maybe sex isn't interesting any longer.

A point that's raised around here quite often about comparison is this:

Maybe another partner prior to marriage was 'better' than your spouse, so you're just not interested in them.

Also the proliferation of the entertainment industry has erupted over the past few decades, certainly within the last one.

The author raises this point in the article and it's also quite a nugget.

Something though I think that our grandparents and some our parents had that caused their marriages to last and in our generation 'we' collectively survive in our relationships for 5 years or so.

It's that 'C' word.

Commitment.

Marriage and the promises and vows were sacred, today each of the reasons we can poll folks who divorce are all covered in those vows.

Financial problems- For richer or poorer

Another person seems more well suited- Forsaking all others

You're not 'happy' any longer- till death do you part, not the court.

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Ooooookay... There's quite a bit of throwing technology under the bus in this article.

 

People don't automatically start connecting with their spouse or having sex once you take social media out of the picture. People also don't stop looking for attention when you take the internet away.

 

If you take the internet away, the symptoms the author describes — selfishness, vanity, one-up-manship — will just manifest itself in a different form where there are less witnesses.

 

Anywho, that's what I think.

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Articles like these are nothing new. You'll find stuff like this all over the place and it's always the same. People are just trying to rationalize cheating on their spouse or divorcing their spouses. They always have a common theme and it's that the divorced couple were narcissistic and selfish. This one is no different. Marriage in and of itself doesn't work. It requires two people to actively love in order for it to work. This guy's marriage failed because of choices he made or didn't make.

 

It is simply pathetic how this guy just blames social media for his failing marriage. He talks about how most communication even between spouses is through text or a phone. Did it ever occur to him that he could have chosen NOT to have social media as his primary way of communicating with his wife? Maybe he should have put down the phone for 5 minutes and actually connect verbally with his wife. Am I weird for thinking that is a common sense thing? Social media isn't to blame. It was their choice to let it consume their lives that was to blame.

 

The other idiotic thing that made me lose brain cells was how he brought up finances. He says he has $200,000 in student loans and a house mortgage of $300,000. Then he goes on to complain how him and his wife are stressed financially and can't live a life full of vacationing and being able to live life. But God forbid the idea of actually living within your means before being able to afford better things. Every heard of community college and apartment renting? Basically this guy expected to live the high life but couldn't afford it, so now he's divorcing over it. Good to know that worldly pleasures are more important than the marriage itself.

 

It's so ridiculous.  The reason why so many people divorce is because they are so focused on what makes them happy and if they don't get it, then it must be with the wrong person. Yet this is exactly the reason we have so many divorce apologists who are so convinced that life-long marriages are impractical. People don't get that marriage requires sacrifice, selflessness and commitment. A marital vow isn't about what makes you happy and it's certainly not about people's feelings, it's a duty and a responsibility to love your spouse.

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Yeah, I really hated the article, so I'm glad to see people have similar objections to it.

 

Awful marriages have existed much longer then divorce (woman being able to file in particular) in our country. Assuming our great grandparents where in love because they did not divorce is simply not true. I was fortunate to meet most of my great-grandparents, and two of the four couples did not love each other! One was happily married, the other was contently married, one was in an abusive relationship, and the other couple had cheated on each other and fell out of love. Doesn't sounds very different from today's statistics, but none of them divorced. It simply wasn't done.

 

That is a very good point. A lower divorce rate doesn't translate to happier marriages. It also grinds my gears that articles try to paint divorce as some new thing all the youngins are doing when in fact the divorce rate has gone *down* since it peaked back in the 1970s and 1980s: so far, for people married in the 2000s, their divorce rate is almost as low as those people who were married in the 1960s. And even then the divorce rate is misleading high, because it includes those who are on their second, third, and so-on marriages. If you have been divorced once, your chances of getting divorced again go up with each subsequent marriage.

 

Marriage in and of itself doesn't work. It requires two people to actively love in order for it to work. This guy's marriage failed because of choices he made or didn't make.

 

It is simply pathetic how this guy just blames social media for his failing marriage.

 

The other idiotic thing that made me lose brain cells was how he brought up finances. He says he has $200,000 in student loans and a house mortgage of $300,000. Then he goes on to complain how him and his wife are stressed financially and can't live a life full of vacationing and being able to live life. But God forbid the idea of actually living within your means before being able to afford better things. Every heard of community college and apartment renting? Basically this guy expected to live the high life but couldn't afford it, so now he's divorcing over it. Good to know that worldly pleasures are more important than the marriage itself.

 

It's so ridiculous.  The reason why so many people divorce is because they are so focused on what makes them happy and if they don't get it, then it must be with the wrong person. Yet this is exactly the reason we have so many divorce apologists who are so convinced that life-long marriages are impractical. People don't get that marriage requires sacrifice, selflessness and commitment. A marital vow isn't about what makes you happy and it's certainly not about people's feelings, it's a duty and a responsibility to love your spouse.

 

Yeah, I can understand finances making people postpone marriage, because I do at least want to achieve financial independence from my parents before getting married, and more and more people my age are having difficulty reaching that goal while still in their 20s. But blaming his divorce on having so many bills that they couldn't "live life" is just absurd. Isn't loving your spouse "living life" more than taking a trip to Hawaii?

 

The emphasis he places on sex also struck me as really weird. He actually compares being married and not getting sex all the time to going to a restaurant and not being able to order food. Did he marry his wife because he cared about her at all as a human being, or did he tie the knot *only* so he could have constant sex with her? Because that comparison certainly makes it sound like the latter.

 

The bits about technology just struck me as something only a really weak-willed person would let interfere with their relationship. Technology has *benefitted* my relationship by allowing me to keep in contact with my significant other more than would ever have been imaginable even 20 years ago. Why look at it as something that takes away your connection, rather than something that can enhance it?

 

And finally, more than anything else, this line really got to me: "But I'm only one of the many people today that have failed at marriage. And while some of us have gone through a divorce, others stay in their relationships, miserably, and live completely phony lives." Not so subtly implying that every married person who doesn't get divorced is even worse off than he is, eh? I'm sure he'll find tons of success in the dating market with that attitude.  <_< 

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Sex is the first thing on his list. He also prioritizes it as the MOST important thing in a relationship... Uhh, love, trust, communication? Pick one. Yes, sex is important, very important. I think most of us have mentioned how bummed we'd be if it weren't as frequent as we'd hoped, but most of us also agree that it should not be the most important aspect of your relationship. Just a thought.

 

Finances. Sure, finances can make anyone feel quite anxiety ridden. Married, or not. Living within your means should be something you should do whether you've decided to share you life with someone, or live it alone. Also, wanting everything NOW is a problem. Expecting everything to happen quickly can make a person feel disappointment heavily when it doesn't happen in the imagined time-frame. Unfortunately, we live in a world of instant gratification. If we don't have that house NOW, if our marriage isn't in a perfect state at every moment, if we can't buy this or that. I've been guilty of it, I'm not perfect, but I know where to draw the line. 'Living Life' should be about WHO we are surrounded by, not WHAT we are surrounded by or how much of it. There is also a very true point that if you wait until everything is just right before doing something, you'll never accomplish anything, because rarely is everything 'just right'. Anyway, what I'm getting at, in a weird way, is there is a reason that part of vows is 'for richer or poorer'. Vows are a promise to do our best to protect our feelings for each other, because we WANT to do the work that will need done to make it a successful relationship. Let's face it, most relationships are NOT all sunshine and daisies. Vows SHOULD be an HONOR to work to uphold. For instance, I will feel quite honored to be able to love, cherish, respect, etc etc, my husband (should I marry) just as I'd hope he'd feel it an honor to love and commit to me. I would hope that I wouldn't make him feel as though I'm an obligation that is inescapable but, rather, a joy (at least most of the time) to work with in life.

 

Though I can understand that sometimes technology is overused (a concept that I hate to admit, because I love living in this age), I'm not sure why people can't embrace it as helpful, and use it to enhance communication... rather than see it as a pitfall. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship (some might argue the MOST important), but that's why it's nice to have more ways to actually DO IT.

 

I can KIND of see his point about attention. In some cases attention is a big deal for people. We might all be guilty of that, on some level. I mean, who doesn't like to see that someone 'liked' or 'commented on' an image you posted? Especially when it's someone you're hoping will notice. It allows you to feel like someone is taking notice of you. What most people forget, though, is that we really only get to see the best of people's lives... the 'highlights reel' as one meme puts it. However, in a relationship, you shouldn't have to fight for that attention. You have to understand that sometimes the person you love will give you more attention, while other days maybe less. It doesn't mean they love you any less, and it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to share your thoughts and feelings and outfits (or whatever you decide to share) with your friends and family. Who knows, that day that your husband or wife didn't notice that your outfit complemented your eyes just right, one of your friends might give you the boost you need for the meeting you were preparing so carefully for. Just because you love one person, doesn't mean you can't appreciate appreciation from other people.

 

As for the last one? Seriously? Not EVERYONE shares every moment, or feeling, online. I do know a few that do, but not everyone does. Some of us share a little, some share a LOT, some share almost nothing. Not everyone takes pictures of every meal they eat, or uses all of the apps available. It really does depend on the person. If you have a problem with what your spouse is sharing? Talk to them about it! Say it with me now... Communication. lol I'm just saying, it might be they are just the type of person who does see a problem with it. Of course, I'm not sure how you didn't figure this out before you married.

 

To make the implication that no marriage can last, and the ones that do are phony, is unfair... and untrue.

 

I'll give him this... at least he seems to redeem himself every so slightly with 'People can agree or disagree. I'm perfectly okay with that'. He may think he's all knowing, but at least he knows that some people might disagree.

 

As for my thoughts? Well, I think the reason a lot of marriages fail today is simple. Lack of communication BEFORE and AFTER marriage, and too much emphasis on things that aren't as important, and not enough emphasis on things that should be important. However, that is just MY viewpoint.

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I think there's more reasons why marriages don't work, but every case is different. The first think I like to say is that most people marry for the wrong reasons. Either they think is about time because they are getting older or they are enamored with the idea of marriage or they get exited by looking at the wedding planing and reception or all of their close friends are getting married. This are just a few that went through my mind. I'm sure there are a lot more. Second, I hardly see people getting married who are head over heels for one another. They just are accustomed to each other without actually being in love. When i say head over heels, I mean both outer and inner attraction. Both are equally important.

To me, if you think that life can go on without him or her then by all means don't get married. It will take any excuse no matter how small it is to end a marriage. This is easier I think for non religious folks. Like I mentioned somewhere before on this forum, marriage is forever in Catholicism (real Catholics who do practice the doctrine) and this will make couples fight through the most difficult obstacles that life throws at them. Also, neither guys or gals like the responsibility of house shores. They just can't handle it anymore. Today's generations are more materialistic and selfish than ever before. They like their freedom and can't cope with sharing life with someone else.

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To me, if you think that life can go on without him or her then by all means don't get married. It will take any excuse no matter how small it is to end a marriage. This is easier I think for non religious folks. Like I mentioned somewhere before on this forum, marriage is forever in Catholicism (real Catholics who do practice the doctrine) and this will make couples fight through the most difficult obstacles that life throws at them. 

 

Not necessarily. Although atheists and agnostics get married less often than religious people do, when you look at the divorce rates among those who do marry the numbers between various types of Christians, religious non-Christians, and atheists and agnostics are all within a few percentage points of each other (and atheists/agnostics have one of the lower numbers, though they do say that is within the possible percentage of error so it is not particularly meaningful).

 

And, as I pointed out, the latest generation is getting divorced less often than their parents' generation (this study seems to indicate that only about one-third of married or previously married people have ever been through a divorce, which is much lower than the oft-quoted 50%), so I think we are seeing a positive trend in that regard. I do agree that plenty of people get married for the wrong reasons, as they always have.

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Not necessarily. Although atheists and agnostics get married less often than religious people do, when you look at the divorce rates among those who do marry the numbers between various types of Christians, religious non-Christians, and atheists and agnostics are all within a few percentage points of each other (and atheists/agnostics have one of the lower numbers, though they do say that is within the possible percentage of error so it is not particularly meaningful).

 

And, as I pointed out, the latest generation is getting divorced less often than their parents' generation (this study seems to indicate that only about one-third of married or previously married people have ever been through a divorce, which is much lower than the oft-quoted 50%), so I think we are seeing a positive trend in that regard. I do agree that plenty of people get married for the wrong reasons, as they always have.

Where was the study done? In Mexico, divorce rate has skyrocketed in the latest 10 years. Of my school generation, about half my schoolmates are divorced. It was unheard of in my parents generation.

I guess it depends what country.

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Where was the study done? In Mexico, divorce rate has skyrocketed in the latest 10 years. Of my school generation, about half my schoolmates are divorced. It was unheard of in my parents generation.

I guess it depends what country.

 

The study is about Americans. Could it be that Mexico is going through something like what America went through in the 1970s and 1980s, where massive social upheaval basically changed the popular imagining of what a marriage should be? Americans who were married in those decades have a massive spike in their divorce rates, which isn't too surprising when you consider that basically a whole generation got married thinking marriage ought to be one thing, and then in just a few years they were living in a culture that thought marriage should be something entirely different. The rules of the game were basically changed in the middle of play, for them.

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If one more person writes some awful generalizing article about how "your grandparents are still together," I might just burst into flames.

 

My grandfather had multiple affairs while married to my grandmother. He only divorced my grandmother when he knocked up his mistress (who was just a few years older than his oldest daughter). And it's not like I have young grandparents or something. If they were both still alive today, they'd be in their 90s. Yeah, his divorce was unusual, but let's stop pretending like older generations never cheated on their spouses.

 

My parents were both left by their first spouses. My mom came home from work one day to discover that her husband of five years had cleaned out all of his clothes. He literally walked out on her. My dad's first wife of ten years just asked for a divorce one day. I don't know any other details, because understandably neither of my parents like to talk about it. But my parents just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary to each other, so, you know, I think they're pretty good at this whole marriage thing.

 

All his social media points? Social media is a tool. It's up to people how we use it. Do I put tons of stuff on the Internet? Yeah, I do. And it's launched my writing career. Being public on the Internet is part of the game. But anything about Beau or our relationship that I put online is approved by him first. I would never sacrifice my marriage for my career.

 

Finally, after being in both a long-distance relationship early on, and recently a long-distance marriage for five weeks, I'm infinitely grateful to technology. It has only helped my relationship. I love that Beau and I can gchat during the work day. I love that we could skype while we were long-distance. We can talk all day long via text and IM and still have stuff to discuss in person at home.

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