wny

How are so many Waiters able to Brush off the Possibility of Never Having Sex?

28 posts in this topic

Hey,

 

Having been on the forum for years now, I've obviously come across a lot of posts. One thing that has perplexed me a bit is how many waiters seem to dismiss the concept of never having sex as something that ultimately isn't that big of a deal to them. This is often in response to the notion that being a waiter makes it more likely one will never find a spouse. I'm just wondering how so many people are able to do this? Honestly, part of me is a bit envious of people who can do that. I would be greatly, greatly saddened if I never had sex in life. I 100% believe my life would be less fulfilling if I never experience the closeness, intimacy, physical pleasure, ect...How is it that so many waiters seem to think this isn't that big of a deal? Does it ultimately boil down to people being different from one another? Do we all have different innate desires? Is it possible that these people who say it isn't a big deal only say that because in the back of their mind they think it is incredibly unlikely they don't marry?

 

I know this makes me a bad waiter, but I'm honestly not sure if I could remain a waiter if there came a point in my life where I believed my waiting was keeping me from ever havng sex. Let's face it-anyone who knows me on here knows I have a tricky combination of traits I'm looking for in a wife (I'm not physically attracted to many women, I insist she has never even made out, I don't want children, so she needs to be okay with that). Even if I weren't a waiter and the only rare qualities I was looking for were looks and not wanting kids I'd still be aiming high.

 

If I didn't believe that virginity and sexuality were so special or that there was a moral aspect to waiting, I'm not sure I'd even be the type to marry. It's not that I don't want to marry, but there are a lot of aspects to my personality and life that don't sync well with marriage (though there are some that do, which is significant).

 

I don't know. I guess I just feel like I'm in a tight bind and am looking for some insight into the minds of those who don't seem to desire sex as much or at least in the same way as I do.

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Well, speaking strictly for myself, it's not that I don't have a desire for sex. Quite the opposite. Sometimes the very slightest of things will spark a yearning in me. However, my desire for the bond of a happy and loving (and, yes, very reall with all of the ups and downs) marriage is much stronger. My desire to find someone who desires me, and wants to protect me yet let me be strong, and can accept even the darkest parts of me, and will take a few couple selfies on occasion lol, etc etc etc, far outweighs my desire for sex.

 

It's not that I don't worry about never getting to have the experience, but I can't bear the idea making it that important... again. It was, once. As I've stated, there was one time when I felt so deeply for someone that I actually considered not waiting, but I knew deep down inside it was the wrong decision for me. I'm just glad that I never had the guts to make any advances, and that he didn't reciprocate. It would not have been good for me, and now I wouldn't take him if things did change. We just don't see life the same way.

 

I think you've made a good point, though. It really does boil down to each of us individually. How we place our values of importance. I'll admit, marriage and sex are often on my mind, but I don't know if it's in the cards for me. Even if it is, there are so many unknowns, even when you're married. As we've come across in other topics, what if you're married and something happens where sex isn't a possibility. Things happen.

 

I'm not sure I'd say that not ever getting to have that experience with someone is something I dismiss as unimportant, but in order for the experience to BE important, for me, it MUST BE with the right person. So, I guess that's how I make myself feel better about the possibility of never getting it. I just consider that maybe I just don't have a 'mr. right'... although, I really don't believe that.

 

I'm a hopeless romantic, but the realist in me screams to be heard. I have to keep in mind that it may never happen and, if it doesn't, I can't let that stop the rest of my life from being happy.

 

This is a very good question. I am not sure I was of any help, but I gave the best (and most honest) answer I knew how.

 

By the way... what's really annoying is when the little hopeless romantic won't shut up. :) She can be quite annoying with all of her curiosities.

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It could be differences between people. I generally have a high sex drive, so the thought of being okay with never having sex is not a common feeling for me, but I have had my moments. There have been times where i didn't have much of a desire for sex, and since I am not attracted to too many men, had the feeling that I could go without sex for the rest of my life. Didn't make me happy or excited, but seemed possible.

There were also times where I even thought I could bear being alone, probably because I had become accustomed to the single and celibate life. It's not just the feeling of the intimacy and pleasure of sex that I don't want to miss out on, but also the special companionship that only a spouse can bring!

I can believe others when they say that they would be ok not having sex for the rest of their life, but I find it really hard to believe that they feel that way all the time, 24/7.

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There are some people who identify as asexual--not being sexually attracted to any gender. Some asexuals experience romantic attraction but without the sexual aspect. Tbh, I sometimes wished I could be one of them.

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Well, I'm currently not interested in sex, and it freaks me out and disgusts me anyway. So the possibility of never having sex doesn't really bother me right now and I don't know if it ever will.

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For me, it's not that I don't have a desire to have sex. It's just that I don't really have much of a desire for it outside of marriage. Other than just the moral issues, I don't want that physical intimacy unless the emotional intimacy is there, too. Plus, just being able to call him my husband is something I want, too. So it's more a desire for marriage+sex. If I don't get married, I might be upset about that, but I'm not going to regret never having sex outside of marriage, because that's not what I want anyway.

 

On top of that, I'm at a point in my life where I'm thinking that I'd be content with never getting married, if that's what it came down to. I hope I'll get married some day (and hopefully fairly soon), but if I don't, I'm okay with the idea of focussing all of my life on my writing career etc. That's what I'm doing now anyway, whether I get married or not.

 

xxx

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I do think about if I really want to wait or not and all the relationships that I'm missing out on because of my decision. I also think I'm not meant to get married or no one will want to marry me and there is a part of me that doesn't want to get married lol.

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For me, it's not that I don't have a desire to have sex. It's just that I don't really have much of a desire for it outside of marriage. Other than just the moral issues, I don't want that physical intimacy unless the emotional intimacy is there, too. Plus, just being able to call him my husband is something I want, too. So it's more a desire for marriage+sex. If I don't get married, I might be upset about that, but I'm not going to regret never having sex outside of marriage, because that's not what I want anyway.

 

 

Just to clarify, the sex I desire is sex that also involves emotional intimacy. You don't necessarily need to be waiting until marriage to only desire sex that involves emotional intimacy. Even if I did decide waiting was making it impossible for me to ever have sex, I wouldn't go out and have intercourse with some random woman. That being said, I do see a difference in innate desires (which is great, because I made this post with the hope of seeing how other peoples' innate desires differ). While you wouldn't regret not having sex outside of marriage at all because it wouldn't have involved marital intimacy, I would both regret it and not regret it at the same time. On one hand I'd be glad I stuck to my guns, but on the other I would deeply regret never having the emotional intimacy that comes with sex (even if its not marital intimacy). I think I just have the type of personality where I need that to be totally fulfilled.

 

Anyway, thanks for the insights everyone. I hope the answers keep coming. So far it really does seem like it's boiling down to people having different desires/experiencing the same desire in a different way.

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I think that, if waiting doesn't work out, you are effectively left with two not-good choices. It seems like most people here aren't truly OK with never having sex. Rather, when given two not-great choices, they will choose to go without sex or marriage if it means that they will never have sex in a context that violates their moral or religious beliefs. Personally, I do not think I would be able to make that choice. If waiting didn't work for me past a certain point, I would feel forced to give up. I'm sure I would always regret that waiting didn't work out, but I'd regret it even more if I never got to experience major things like sex, marriage, and motherhood.

 

Basically, it boils down to which not-good choice you can live with. Stick to your principles, and never get to experience certain things, or give up, and have those experiences outside of your desired context. I don't think any one individual could say what would work best for all waiters facing that decision.

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If I went through life without marriage and sex, it WOULD be a big deal with me. Sure, there are things I want to accomplish and I believe God has certain things planned for me that may or may not involve marriage. But getting married and experiencing the emotional and physical intimacy with another person is among the top things I want in life.  I believe this desire was instilled by God since the beginning when He said it isn't good for man to be alone so He created woman to be a suitable partner for him. The two are meant to cleave together and become "one flesh." Yes there are some who are called to be single, but most of us are not. How could I possibly be 100% okay with never having sex and getting married if singleness was not part of the original plan to begin with?  Of course I could still live a fulfilling life being celibate for life. But I honestly would always feel like something big is missing.

 

On the emotional side, I want loyalty and commitment over anything else. To be able to call her "mine only" and me "hers only" is the deepest yearning in my heart. What greater honor is there than someone else wanting to devote the rest of his or her life to you and you alone? It is something so rare today because people aren't willing to work for it anymore. People say that a real marriage isn't ultimately about happiness but rather to help both parties become better people. That I think is worth any bumps along the way.

 

Since you mentioned sex specifically, I would also say that it would be a huge disappointment if I never got to experience the physical pleasure and the powerful emotional connection that comes with it. Dealing with the increasingly strong sexual urges is a daily struggle for me. I'm not exaggerating when I say it does feel like torture some days. Sex isn't necessary for personal survival the way water and food is, but the lack of sexual fulfillment can affect a person's sense of well-being and can even lead to depression. So the very thought of never having that kind of fulfillment scares me to death. Sex is by no means the most important thing in a marriage. But I couldn't marry someone who had little to no interest in sex. It's simply too important to not be with someone who didn't want a sexually fulfilling marriage.

 

Despite that though, I can never bring myself to compromise my beliefs and values. If I go back on them, then I would have lost everything that defines me as a person. Giving up and giving in for a few moments of pleasure isn't worth the lifetime of regret I would feel for breaking my promise to God and to my future wife.

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I think my answer is a combination of Jeg and Vince's posts. On the one hand, I know I have a desire for sex but it's framed within a relationship centered in marriage. I also want the physical and emotional intimacy too. I also want to use the word wife in context and to share moments found in a married couple's life. On the other hand, I also know i have sexual urges but I want those urges to be used as an expression of love(used in marriage) which is not only has physical pleasure and emotional connection but procreation as well.

However, to answer the original OP, I do think people will answer this question differently. For me, when I was in my younger 20s, I didn't think much about marriage. I was more concerned with reaching a specific goal. As I got older,however, my thoughts about marriage have changed and I do want to be married. I don't think I'll be devastated if I don't get married but I would probably be a little upset.

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To be honest, I've never really thought too much about the possibility of never having sex. If that were to happen, I'd be happy that I stuck to my guns on one hand.  On the other hand, it would suck not knowing what it's like, and there is a part of me that would feel like I'd be missing out on something.

 

With that said, I'd easily take dying a virgin over having a bunch of one-night stands or something. The idea of sex for the sake of sex turns me off, it just cheapens the act so much.  The physical/emotional intimacy coupled with the security of a thriving marriage relationship would be great, but anything else just wouldn't seem worth it in the long run.

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In the famous words of Kurt Cobain "nobody dies a virgin life f*©#§ us all" but im going though the same phase. Its almost torture

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I will add that there are times in my life when I stop and think about the possibility of never marrying, and making love (yes, I know it's sex, but 'making love', to me, incorporates what it means when it's the kind of intimacy that encompases love, affection, understanding, passion, etc etc etc) with my husband... it's just makes thinking about life, alone, too overwhelming. So, I try not to think about that. Not to mention, that I feel, deep down, that I will marry. I don't think God would give me that feeling if it weren't going to happen, but I can't know for sure if it's Gods will unless it happens. So, like I said, I try to not think about it too often, and usually I fail miserably... because I tend to think about it a lot... and, then, I pray... a LOT. When I meet someone who I find just a little more interesting than the next guy, who I might think 'hmmm, I wonder' when getting to know him... I try to keep myself open to it happening, without letting myself get too involved unless I can see he may see a possibility, too. You just never know, right?

 

As usual... I am not sure I'm clearly saying what I am intending to say. :)

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I'm a waiter because I choose to be, I am in no way forced to be so due to looks, religion, or family pressure. If I wanted sex, I could easily get it. That for the most part removes any stress of a possibility of never getting it, because I didn't find "the one".

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I'm a waiter because I choose to be, I am in no way forced to be so due to looks, religion, or family pressure. If I wanted sex, I could easily get it. That for the most part removes any stress of a possibility of never getting it, because I didn't find "the one".

 

I don't think most of us are being forced by religion. Almost all of us are full grown adults who can make our own decisions for ourselves and we choose to follow our religious convictions, Also, if you have sexually easy people as a back up plan then you're probably doing this whole waiting thing all wrong. Just sayin.

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It's not a backup plan in any way. And I'd definitely say quite a few are forced by religion.

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I would NOT be ok with never getting married and having sex. It is just natural and human to have that desire.  I never met anyone who desired permanent singleness (I'm sure they exist). Statistically, most of us will be married at some point (which is a good thing), but it may not be when we want to (which can be annoying). If I reach an older age with no marriage prospects I WILL be very disappointed because I didn't get to experience the ultimate physical/emotional connection that God created. Hopefully, I will end up married eventually. With that being said, I'd rather stay a virgin than have meaningless one-night stands because I know that won't be fulfilling. It sure as hell won't make me more of a man.  I want to look back at my first time and smile, not frown.

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Honestly, I don't think about things in such a manner. I have always believed that I would marry and start a family with my loved one. I also don't consider waiting to put me in a disadvantage, when it comes to courting. I am courting now, and it hasn't hurt me. I know many people that waited till marriage and are married. There are a lot of fish in the sea. But, finding someone isn't necessarily easy... A spouse may not fall into one's life. Because of that, it is essential that one deals with their personal problems first, then many of us will have to start looking, getting out, and networking to find some.

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Sex is overrated. I never understood why it's so important and so glamorized. Having sex isn't important to me. I have no desire for children I also have no desire to share that part of myself with someone I'm not going to be with forever. If I die a virgin I wouldn't care. There are so many things life has to offer me that getting laid and getting married just isn't on the top of my list. If it happens it happens if it doesn't I'm not going to cry and beat myself up over it.

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Sex is overrated. I never understood why it's so important and so glamorized. Having sex isn't important to me. I have no desire for children I also have no desire to share that part of myself with someone I'm not going to be with forever. If I die a virgin I wouldn't care. There are so many things life has to offer me that getting laid and getting married just isn't on the top of my list. If it happens it happens if it doesn't I'm not going to cry and beat myself up over it.

I think casual sex is overrated and glamorized, but I have trouble believing it is also true of sex within a marriage/serious relationship. It's not just popular media that considers sex important, but also doctors, psychologists, therpaists, religious leaders, ect....

 

If sex isn't a big deal to you that's great. I think it makes you pretty unique, though (not weird of wrong, just unique).

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I honestly would be very sad if I never had sex in my life, but because I believe sex outside of marriage is a great sin, I'd be even sadder if I had sex outside of marriage. That's why, I guess, I'm able to brush off the possibility of never having sex.

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If I went through life without marriage and sex, it WOULD be a big deal with me. Sure, there are things I want to accomplish and I believe God has certain things planned for me that may or may not involve marriage. But getting married and experiencing the emotional and physical intimacy with another person is among the top things I want in life.  I believe this desire was instilled by God since the beginning when He said it isn't good for man to be alone so He created woman to be a suitable partner for him. The two are meant to cleave together and become "one flesh." Yes there are some who are called to be single, but most of us are not. How could I possibly be 100% okay with never having sex and getting married if singleness was not part of the original plan to begin with?  Of course I could still live a fulfilling life being celibate for life. But I honestly would always feel like something big is missing.

 

On the emotional side, I want loyalty and commitment over anything else. To be able to call her "mine only" and me "hers only" is the deepest yearning in my heart. What greater honor is there than someone else wanting to devote the rest of his or her life to you and you alone? It is something so rare today because people aren't willing to work for it anymore. People say that a real marriage isn't ultimately about happiness but rather to help both parties become better people. That I think is worth any bumps along the way.

 

Since you mentioned sex specifically, I would also say that it would be a huge disappointment if I never got to experience the physical pleasure and the powerful emotional connection that comes with it. Dealing with the increasingly strong sexual urges is a daily struggle for me. I'm not exaggerating when I say it does feel like torture some days. Sex isn't necessary for personal survival the way water and food is, but the lack of sexual fulfillment can affect a person's sense of well-being and can even lead to depression. So the very thought of never having that kind of fulfillment scares me to death. Sex is by no means the most important thing in a marriage. But I couldn't marry someone who had little to no interest in sex. It's simply too important to not be with someone who didn't want a sexually fulfilling marriage.

 

Despite that though, I can never bring myself to compromise my beliefs and values. If I go back on them, then I would have lost everything that defines me as a person. Giving up and giving in for a few moments of pleasure isn't worth the lifetime of regret I would feel for breaking my promise to God and to my future wife.

Do you have a church? I'd be up in the front row!
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The phrase 'What you've never had, you'll never miss,' springs immediately to mind.

 

Ultimately, my primary goal in life is to successfully raise children with my husband.  However, although I don't consider myself 'religious' at all (I suppose the word 'spiritual' is more aptly suited to my belief structure), I do firmly believe that there is a bigger picture, and that the Artist of such a picture has a definitive plan for me; for everyone.

 

Admittedly, I much prefer living for the moment, and thus not dwelling too much on what might never come to fruition - opportunities will frequently present themselves as sort of 'sign posts', guiding you in the right direction; and remaining open-minded enough to be able to capitalise on these afore-mentioned opportunities seems to be a winning formula.

 

Ce que sera, sera.  :)

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