Lavande

Retroactive jealousy

29 posts in this topic

Hello,

I got married about 3 years ago to a man who's now the father of my two babies. I've waited until marriage and thought he did as well, based on what he told me.

However, I quickly realised that it was not the case for him as he had intimate relationships with two girls before. I received that as a real shock and until now, i do suffer from retroactive jealousy. I keep having mental images of my husband with those girls and it's extremely hard to bear.

I feel I've lost my energy and enthusiasm in life as I really thought i had married a virgin man and I would have avoided all this pain. He told me he wasn't really enjoying those relationships but I feel that whatever he might say, it just spoiled the purity of my personal vision of love.

It's all changed now and I am little by little losing the taste of life.

We are both from the same religion which prohibits sex before marriage.

I believe if most religions defined that principle of waiting until marriage, it's precisely to spare us the crucial pain that come with retrospective jealousy and the horrific images going along this.

I feel soooooo sad, really. Like I've missed my one-shot opportunity to becoming happy.

To all those who waited till marriage, you have my total respect and admiration. I do think you are all special.

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Wait....so how are you just now finding this out? What exactly did he tell you? Does it seem like he straight up lied to you by omission? When you found out what was his reaction? And how come you don't talk to him about sex more before you guys got married? Like I just don't understand how this could have happened. Im thoroughly stunned.

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And also don't worry about jealousy or whether you should divorce. Find out the facts and focus on what qualities you want from a man. Then you can decide if your current husband qualifies as that or if you need to find someone else who can be that man. There's a reason God allowed this to happen. In time you will learn the reason and these emotions will pass. But figure out if 1. Your husbands intentions are pure and he loves you and never wanted to hurt you or...2. Was embarassed so he hid this from you which also own good because he can't communicate well with you and there are probably other things he isn't sharing with you... 3. You are in denial of the people you date and naive and only see what you want, ignoring the red flags because then this is a personal problem and unless you fix it will only happen with the next guy...4. Is a detour that will bring you to your next husband and maybe he will have kids maybe he won't, has also been cheated or widowed and this is merely a situation God used to bring you to that. But either way, you will get through this. Some alone time and personal time with the Lord will do you well. I was just freaking out about this this morning randomly thinking "What if". So it's interesting you happened to post this this very same day. Im sorry you're going through this but don't get stuck. Do what you need to do to get where you need to be. You're at a bump in the road not your destination.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I know if I was in your position, I would be devastated and my mind would constantly be filled with images of my hypothetical wife in bed with another man. I seem to remember an old thread of a male member who is almost in the exact situation you're in. His wife lied about being a virgin and didn't tell him the truth until years after their marriage. 

 

I don't know what the full situation is but I'm assuming you and your husband had at least talked about waiting and whether you both are virgins before marriage or not. Correct me if I'm wrong there. If that was true, it wouldn't be the fact that he wasn't a virgin before marriage that would bother me the most, it would be the fact that he lied. A lack of virginity, as long as it is confessed with honesty, doesn't necessarily doom a relationship depending on how important it is to someone else. Nor does it stop someone from having a loving and healthy relationship. However, lack of honesty does. If he did lie to you, then you have to wonder what else he has lied to you about as well.

 

I'm not suggesting you divorce him. Like I said, I don't know the whole situation. I would suggest marriage and religious counseling before you decide what to do. 

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Thank you all for your replies and concern.

We both went through religious counselling and indeed what happened was that, he just "ommited to tell me the truth" as he said. Since he did not clearly phrase it, then for him, he just did not lie nor said the real truth about it. He just made it sound like he never knew anyone before. In fact, what he told me before was precisely: " I never met anyone before you, I never came across happiness before you". Maybe, and this is an advice for anybody here who wishes to marry a virgin person, maybe you should phrase it in exact words like : Are you virgin, or did you have sexual relationships before? Maybe it was my mistake, the mistake of being too courteous and shy as it would have sounded a little rude for ma that time, to ask it grossly like that. But be gross and precise about what you want.

Now, I hear what you say lovely babe. And quite amazingly, I have thought of all the possibilities you mentionned. Especially of meeting a man with a story just like mine, and that maybe God wants me to feel the pain before tasting true happiness.

But the thing is, I am having a biiiiiig dilemma. My husband seems so deceived and regrets it all. He returns that to the fact that he was brought up in a family and within a society who does not prioritize religion or the culture of being virgin after marriage. He says ignorance was the reason behind this foolishness. And ignorance, I believe, is the reason behind soooo many fatal mistakes. Quite certainly, I do believe that he is sincere when he claims and that is the tiny line I'm holding to, to kind of excuse this past behaviour. Although...

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Is he in any kind of remorse himself over this? That is....is he ALMOST in as much pain as you over this? Since he caused your suffering does he seem to be suffering too? Or is he doing things (once again) to give just enough to play on your every move and weasel by? Like is he acting like you're the one mad at him? Or is he owning this and pouring out his soul to you? Or are you just dead to the idea of living through this with him already? And even so didn't he think to tell you he had previous sex partners? I mean come on...

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I now believe that it is more complicated than that. See, before my marriage experience, I always thought every problem has its solution, and things in my mind were clear as crystal. I believe virgin people have some special characteristics such as purity of mind and simplicity in their way of thinking. They are generally sincere and candid.

Invicible, to reply to your question, I realize now, that he actually lied. It wasn't that he forgot to tell me, nor that he didn't give much importance to it. He simply lied. And I am sure about this because I discovered other things about him that gave me as much pain. And you discover things and signs gradually.

I was fooled intl thinking he was sincere. Lying or hiding the truth has become so commonplace nowadays that it's very difficult to distinguish true from false. I mean sometimes i think if presidents can convince their people into a war, it's because they mixed truth with lies. It's all make-up and deception. It's very subtle to find the truth out now. And generally when you do, it's too late...you already made 2 kids or you already bombed an entire population, right?

I shall tell you, before this, I was like the much optimistic person on earth, I was in love with everything, nature, romantic korean drama, ants, flowers.

I feel now, something's broken inside of me. I feel I'm wearing a mask too, now. I smile without really smiling, i laugh at jokes with no sincere laughter. In fact, it's been a long time since i really burst into laughter. I miss my candid days where I was full of life.

If i'm sharing this, it's because i want to tell you that you should stick to your ideals to the end. And be more careful. Don't be naively romantic like me.

Be virgin in your heart and body but be experienced in your mind.

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Happy when sailing, I understand there will be light at the end of the the road. I firmly believe that. God is testing me and surely saving the best for later. I have always had faith in Him. Hence, my optimism.

the thing is, right now, I am in a confusing state of mind. There's a lot of questionning inside my heart. It's the first time I feel so stuck. I mean litterally stuck, because as you said, when you got kids, it's a whole new parameter.

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It sounds like at this very moment, you're now the only hope for your kids. Kind of on a tangent to happy when sailing, he's the one who messed up hers/yours and the kids lives when he decided to go through every single birth and say nothing. If he could hide this he's hiding other things that will eventually come out. Even if there weren't other things, the fact that he can't have total intimacy by coming to her with complete openness would probably make me feel betrayed like he didn't let me in. Like with my dad cheating on my mom among other things, there were signs the relationship wasn't right with my mom and signs he was an untrue person who wasn't solely going to stay faithful to my mom throughout the relationship. I think staying together and hiding this from the kids would only put that off, maybe even make the kids feel cheated now too if you didn't tell them what was going on, so they would feel like their life is a lie now too. I don't know the ages of the kids or if they should even know the full truth and if that's age appropriate or if not telling them and divorcing the husband would make them resentful of you/her. But I think that when they are older they would show more respect for someone who didn't tolerate a breech of trust, and years of lying. Someone who gets caught in a lie is only sorry they got caught. Like with my dad cheating there were signs and I told my mom "Mom maybe he's cheating" "Nooooo" until I finally caught him on emails because he was acting different. He even denied sleeping with all these other women!!!!! Finally my mom said he confessed to ONE woman....I was like "MOM it's like multiple partners." And she said "Ones enough for me" and finally peaced out after trying Christian counseling. And I mean now my mom is happily remarried. But I know cheating and lying about partners are a little different but for me 8 years later I still struggle with, "How can I love my dad if I wouldn't tolerate cheating in my own relationship?" And if my mom hadn't lived in denial and seen the truth and peaced out at the first sign, maybe I would have had a shot at forming a relationship with an actual emotionally available father. (My father is emotionally unavailable and my sisters and my personal relationships have been a ridiculous reflection because of that). One of my sisters is actually recently and happily married and was praying for a husband and my mom and my stepdad are also Christian so I believe with God all things are good no matter what the situation.

Anyway just some insight from the kids end of things.

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I believe virgin people have some special characteristics such as purity of mind and simplicity in their way of thinking. They are generally sincere and candid.

 

 

I... have a problem with making a person's feature(s) synonymous to character traits.

 

If he lied to you, it's not because he's not a virgin. It's because he's a liar. While looking for a virgin is ultimately your decision, I find it rude to basically say non-virgins are incapable of a pure mind and general sincerity/candidness. A genital without a legal document doesn't have the power to change how a person thinks.

 

On that note, the lying is pretty huge. One can probably make a case that you were married under false pretenses. It's up to you to decide what to do, but IMO this looks pretty bad. If the situation you're in right now is affecting you negatively, then maybe you should spend some time away from it.

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Well you guys, bear me 2minutes and put yourself in my shoes. I'm trying to find solutions. I am searching and questionning. My entourage says to just forget and that it's something normal that all men have a sexual past. God, I wish I had discovered that website earlier. They make it sound so natural that all a woman has to do is swallow her "pride and tantrum" and live wisely because now there are kids to think of and social image.

It's the first time I am facing such a big concern. Before everything seemed resorvable. But now, it seems that the only solution to that problem is to invent a time machine.

Hanachu, if I leave him, too many people will be deceived: my children, my parents, my in-laws. It would be the first time I deceive so many good people and that will hurt me. Of course none of them knows. I have to keep on looking great of them, and smiling and saying I am alright. I hate deceiving people. I hate being the one who draws sad eyes on them.

I say that I should try to bear it, until God makes some miracle upon my life. I've preserved myself for a true love, but maybe, the time has not arrived for that.

But it's ok, I'll find out a way to be stronger. Very likely through prayers and invocations.

When one is faced with such a big trouble, maybe it's because God misses his voice, invocating Him, in the still of the night.

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I'm not clear on what you mean by "deceiving" many people if you leave him.

 

Your husband who you trusted lied about something important to you. People are telling you what you valued so highly isn't worth anything at all and that you should pretend everything OK for them and saying it's for you (because honestly, it's not gonna make things better for you). If there's any deception going on, it's the people around you who are doing it, not you.

 

You are totally justified to feel angry and hurt because this is a situation that's bad made worse by those around you. People who love you should be prioritizing your health and your well-being first because that's what people who love you do.

 

I'm not suggesting that you divorce him but to spend some time away from the situation with people who are more supportive of you. Maybe go to your parent's place for a few nights. Just focus on picking yourself up right now, because you and your family need you in a good mindset to make decisions.

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Well he is showing sincere regret and repent. He is regretful of every mistake in his past and for all the pain he caused. And I will eventually forgive. But how can I get rid of these mental movies I have of him being intimate with other girls?

Need to take a break from that. I need to literally clear my mind.

I will go to my parents' for a while and to my childhood place. That will remind me of good old times when I used to play with neighbors and the sea was in front of our houses. The sound of seagulls, the shining sun, the hermit crabs digging their way out in the sand...Childhood was the best time ever.

Oh, and I think I got to get me a rocking chair too. Feels relaxing.

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Lavande, one thing I know is what you are experiencing (with having a hard time accepting his past) is normal.  Because many people on this site have stated how they would want to know details and could only accept "so much".  I have learned though, that to a certain degree, this kind of a thinking is common with relationship/sexually inexperienced people.  It's hard to accept someone wholy and without jealously. 

I agree with what Hanachu said that if he's a liar, then let's talk about being a liar.  It makes sense to me that he simply omitted the information, as he liked you and wanted to date you AND waited all the way until marriage to be with you. MOST non-virgin men would NOT do that.  He must have really liked you.  He still is wrong for allowing you to assume he was a virgin.  But if he's a good husband and a good dad..  People aren't perfect.  But they can be good. What kind of person is he?  A question to ask yourself.

I understand how you are a solutions-person.  I am one too.  "What is the solution and get on with it"-type.  But this is different.  This solution will be a process.  You have to get mad.  You have to grieve the lost idea of virgin lovers.  And you have to figure out what you need to forgive him.  Don't expect to get to the forgiveness part over night though. It's a process.  It's there if you want it.

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The problem I'm having with all of this is that it wasn't as though it was something small and then he felt bad and came forward. It's not as though he lied about being a musician or something to amp up his reputation. It's that he tried to hide his morals. And it went on for years. He never came forward and never would have. Maybe there's a reason you got lucky enough to find this out when you did? And by the way how did you find this out Levande?

I was looking up similar cases and saw a case just like this but where the woman had been married to the guy for like 25 years and THEN found out. She was in her 50s. Maybe there is a reason you found this out now, at this very moment, no sooner and no later, have you thought about that? Now you have your kids, in the future maybe that would have been too much life wasted to enjoy fun new things with a potentially new lover.

If anyone is deceiving anyone it's him. You're not letting down anyone. Maybe there's a reason you take on everyone else's faults as your own. Whatever it is stop and only take responsibility for yourself. You did NOTHING wrong. This is all him.

But either way, separate yourself from this situation for sure so you can get a clear head. Take all the time you need whether that means weeks, months or even years. He lied to you for that long and I think the way he responds to your distance will tell you all you need to know.

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If it's pain from mental images, they do go away.

 

This is speaking as someone who not only had images, but had a face to accompany it as well as chancing upon unused condoms from his previous relationship (he didn't keep anything a secret, something I appreciate now though at the time I wished he lied about it).

 

I promise you that some day an image will pop up and you'll think "huh" and not be tortured by it. They might hit you harder on certain days, but as long as you remind yourself that you trust your husband when he says he loves you, it'll be easier.

 

Because if you don't or can't trust him, there's a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.

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I'm a Christian and believe that the only reason for divorce is adultery. However, in this case you married someone you thought was different. You didn't know he was lying. It's like if you went and bought a car, and the salesman said it was a great car. You drive off and it breaks down. You take it back and they say no returns. Was it the salesman's fault for lying, or your fault for not bringing a mechanic. I believe it is a little of both. However, You wouldn't have married him if he would have told you the truth. Some people don't tell the truth no matter how much you ask. I believe he lied. I don't think you should beat yourself up by saying things like "if only I had asked more straightforward." So I think it would probably be ok if you divorced. As for the kids. I know of kids who grew up to be good with divorced parents. Of course having a happy family is ideal, I just think it shouldn't be made into an excuse for the kids to misbehave. Parenting is important. However, choice is the main thing people overlook. I heard a story from Pastor John Hagee about twin brothers who's dad liked to drink. The twins grew up. One twin drank and the other one didn't. When asked why they drank or not, they both gave the same answer. They both said "Because my dad was an alcoholic."  My dad cheated on my mom. My parents are still together. My mom was going to divorce him multiple times for things he did. From being a drunk to physical/verbal/emotional abuse. I was a little kid and didn't understand what happened. My mom finally told me all of the stuff when I got older and said she didn't divorce him because I asked her not to. However, I wish she would have done what we needed and not what I wanted. As I grew up I realized how big of a jerk he was and I have recently been telling my mom to divorce. I think your kids might not understand now, but one day they will understand the pain he has put you through. Also I know some really good liars, and they are only sorry when they get caught. He wasn't sorry while he was lying. I think he might only be sorry because of what he is losing. He might have a huge legal battle. He might lose the kids, the house, and he will lose the respect of many people around him. I hope he feels bad for hurting you. However If he didn't feel bad in the act of lying, he probably doesn't genuinely care afterwards. Hope my opinion helps. I'm praying that God will help you figure things out.

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Thanks for sharing your opinions.

Hanachu, I believe you when you say mental images will go. But it's quite hard to realize that right now. My head is so full of these evil mental images that it somehow impacted on my feelings towards him. For example, whenever he approaches me, I feel i'm being bombed with images of him and her together, like whatever he's gonna want to do with me, he already did with her. And it literally stops me from going further.

As for the trust, I do trust he loves me. That, I know. But I feel it hard trusting his sincerity. Since he so brillantly lied to me, I do find it hard to know whether he's still lying or being sincere. There's a tiny line.

Onelovelybabe, that's it. I'm leaving for a few time away from him. I shall be able to gather my mind and heart a little bit. What happened to your friend when she realized that her husband wasn't clear? As for how I discovered it, he used to mention her.He made her appear in my life, in our present. For example, we once were talking about adopting an orphan and I asked him if he liked the idea he said yes and that it was his ex's idea. And she popped up a little too much in our life, until I HAD to know more details. That's how it started.

Noname, I shall think about it, although I never thought I would ever divorce one day. Never was in my dreams... I always thought divorce was like a prowling monster we had to beat. It's just hard to realize we got there.

I don't know how women in similar situations did, but for those who stayed, and decided to move forward despite all the pain, I don't know how you do that. Guess I shall be able to find the strenght from deeeep inside as you did. I guessed you do believe in LOVE. But what is Love? I don't remember what love is. Before, a candid look, a sincere nice word, a strong and yet gentle personnality, would have been enough to shake my heart. Now, something's broken. Even love songs, I don't react to.

I miss the days of sweet innocence when I used to savour everything abundantly.

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But I feel it hard trusting his sincerity. Since he so brillantly lied to me, I do find it hard to know whether he's still lying or being sincere. There's a tiny line.

 

I suggest you talk with a good family counselor in depth about this.

 

Anything else I would suggest your mom or a friend, but this specific issue of trust I feel very strongly that you need to consult a counselor.

 

But what is Love? I don't remember what love is. Before, a candid look, a sincere nice word, a strong and yet gentle personnality, would have been enough to shake my heart. Now, something's broken. Even love songs, I don't react to.

 

You're a Christian, right? If so, then you should know that "true love" can't be found in marriage.

 

True love promised to always be with you far before your husband came along.

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You're a Christian, right? If so, then you should know that "true love" can't be found in marriage.

 

True love promised to always be with you far before your husband came along.

 

I think everyone deserves to be respected and loved in marriage, and some would call this simple thing "true love." 

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Levande Im not sure it was just someone I found online searching the same problem. My bad maybe she wasn't 50...

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-lied-about-being-a-virgin-and.html

Also whyyyyyy on earth would your husband feel the need to talk about another woman? See that alone would infuriate me....no wonder you dug deeper. But seriously what was it that he would say about her?

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I miss fast heartbeats. Void. That's what I feel.

Yet, I shan't complain. Love is for my God. God is testing me. Testing whether I will be strong and patient.

Yet, it hurts right..

But with the help of God, there will be a path leading to happiness again. God is Clement.

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Lavende, I can't tell from your posts, but I hope you're talking to someone about this regularly.

 

While you can get some support here, there's only so much we can do. Talk to someone (except those dismissive pieces of shit who told you to pretend everything's OK. God they piss me off).

 

I think everyone deserves to be respected and loved in marriage, and some would call this simple thing "true love." 

 

That's true. But if that's the only thing that Lavende was leaning on for her happiness, it's become a very shaky and unreliable support on an already unreliable foundation of human beings.

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If it's pain from mental images, they do go away.

This is speaking as someone who not only had images, but had a face to accompany it as well as chancing upon unused condoms from his previous relationship (he didn't keep anything a secret, something I appreciate now though at the time I wished he lied about it).

I promise you that some day an image will pop up and you'll think "huh" and not be tortured by it. They might hit you harder on certain days, but as long as you remind yourself that you trust your husband when he says he loves you, it'll be easier.

Because if you don't or can't trust him, there's a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.

Sorry to latch onto this topic, but thanks for this, hanachu. I felt bad for having mental images, and they are most unwelcome. Good to hear from someone who went through something similar.

As for what was being said about people bringing up their ex's in conversation, it is a pretty common thing. I don't think most people do it on purpose, to cause issues, or insert an old flame into your life (at least i hope so!). But i would be surprised if someone did not bring up instances in their life involving someone who was such a big part of it.

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Ok friends,

I want to give an update of my situation. Since my last post, I have travelled to my parents' as I mentionned and it's been abt a month that I'm pondering my soul over a solution, swaying between the positive and negative thoughts. It's very hard as I feel I'm fighting against an inner enemy talking me out of leaving him and bombarding me with the worst images.

Honestly I'm still confused. I can forgive him and I actually did but, it's hard to forget. He just introduced me to the world of love and sex in a way that kinda repulsed me. It really wasn't what I dreamed of. He is kind and regretful but, I don't know, damage is done to my heart. What to do..

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