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Eringobragh

How does marriage change over the years?

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Here's my backstory: my parents are middle aged, middle class people. I'm 99% sure they were waiters (honestly I never straight out asked them), and our household was always stable, although often stressed and always a bit crazy! Although they seem to get along, as a kid I watched their relationship get more and more stressed and less and less enjoyable. Maybe it had to do with putting kids through college,maybe I was misread some signs, but I almost never saw them act in love or anything like that.

As I get closer to thinking about marriage, I've found myself wondering if a truly loving relationship is sustainable over decades. I don't just want to get along with my future husband, I want to be in love with him for my whole life.

For those of you who've been married for a while, how has your relationship changed? Do you still feel in love? Do you still have sex? Is it harder to get along than it was before? Do you ever second guess your choice in spouse?

This is something that has bothered me for years — what do you think?

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I'm not married so I can't answer the main question. However, I personally believe love is an action not a feeling. I've had friends where I felt like we were best friends and everyone thought we were great friends. However, the longest and best friendships I had were with people who were content, accepting, and often times quiet. It doesn't mean you can't have fun. I think you might be misreading your parents. I'm sure they still love and think about each other every day. Real love in my opinion doesn't mean they are always smiling and being romantic. In my opinion it means that they consistently want what is best for each other. Also when you have kids you have less time to be romantic and have fun because you have to spend time thinking about your kids, and how to raise them. This might be a reason for them acting less intimate. I'm also sure your parents are still having sex. They just have to be more discreet about it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you don't just love each other when you're smiling. You love each other through the boring and hard times as well. I hope this helped. Like I said I'm not married so I don't know if I'm aloud to even post this here haha. If I wasn't supposed to sorry, this is just my opinion.

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I'm not married either, but I have been able to observe my parents, who have been married for over 33 years and have 4 grown children.

I have seen them fight, and I have seen them be like two peas in a pod. I have seen them act like they are in love, and then like they aren't in love. I know they still have sex (at least it would be a major shock to me if they didn't!).

From what they have told me, I'm sure they did second guess, and there were times, especially when we were very young, that at least one of them thought of giving up. But the thing is, they didn't give up, and they did and are working through their issues.

Sure, you can feel love, but like noname said, it's an action. You can't expect to get along 100% of the time and never fight. Even some of the people I know who I think have really loving marriages fight from time to time, though it never gets out of hand.

I really think you and your spouse decide what kind of marriage to have. My parents are very outwardly affectionate, so that is how I knew they were in love(and when they were not so in love...). My boyfriend's parents are not affectionate in front of their kids, but they have been together for longer than my parents, and he is sure still love each other. I think it's their choosing to be together, and their actions overall that show him that.

My grandmother just passed away at the end of last year. She had suffered from Alzheimer's for years, and was almost 90 years old. She and my grandfather were married for over 60 years, and he is a man that never cries. There he was, sitting at his wife's grave, tears on his face.

Love can last through the decades. It isnt always twitterpation, and butterflies in your stomach, but I know it's real. I can't wait to have someone who I will stay with through thick and thin.

Sorry, I hope that was an encouragement, I know you weren't asking us unmarried folk!

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No, I really appreciate your opinions!

I guess it must always seem like your own parents fight more than everyone else's, because your friends' parents don't fight in front of you!

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Really great answers here, ... And I simply wanted to add this:

In response to what Bethreny said above about her Grandfather, as I recall my own.

All the glamorous, tear jerking, fantasy Hollywood movies, and songs about love and romance fail in comparison that sort of Love.

It is certainly a motivated action, not a fleeting feeling!

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I'm not married either, but I encourage you to talk to as many successfully married people about this as people, but ultimately: find out for yourself, the answer to your question. My parents were married for maybe 13 years before they separated. Divorce runs rampant on my dad's side of the family: his siblings, and my older cousins are all divorced. But that doesn't mean I am not praying, learning all I can and gonna give it my best, too.

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I'm also not married xD 

I always think that if you spend time around people, you will eventually be able to tell if you will get along forever or not. There are a couple of friends I have that I know I could piss them off day and night but they will still stick around because we love each other and have so much fun. And I still stick around even when they have bad days too. There's not many people I've felt like that about but I'm sure marriage is the same; try spending time together for months or even years before getting serious, and you will figure out if they're the person you want to wake up to every day.

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