Being "in charge" and letting others make decisions...

[Englishguy1988 381]

Ok so this is something I am terrible at, I hate letting other people decide what we are going to do, when we are going to do things and how etc. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against others wanting to do things they enjoy, I just really hate indecision and wasting time.

I think in part it has a lot to do with the path my career has taken, I'm used to managerial positions, I've managed shops, then a change in career led me to running sales teams and I worked my way up to being responsible for training sales team leaders in how to run successful sales teams, then I was running sales campaigns spanning 2 counties and led my sales teams to break a record and make over £110,000 for our clients in just 6 days! £12,600 worth I personally made (In 5 days as I had meetings with the VP on day 6) for our client while I was running the campaign and training others how to train and run sales teams, then moving on through my career now working for a different company I am responsible for over 250 accounts the 3rd largest in the company (the largest of its kind in the UK and I've only been there 3 months!) and have won 4 of the daily competitions out of the last 5 days.

So as you can probably tell I'm used to organising people, and keeping on top of every little thing and it is really hard for me to just let go of responsibility and just let someone else make some decisions as I've spent so long being in charge and having people deferring to me and asking my advice on problems I just naturally take charge and I find it hard to let others do things their way, as I'm always thinking of more productive ways of doing thing, and the most cost effective in effect I can't switch off my managers mind if that makes sense.

Obviously I know that in the future this will negatively affect any relationship I have so want to get a head start on it now, so guys how do you let others make decisions for you?

[Lizzie 230]

I know exactly what you mean.  I had a job for a number of years that I was responsible for the whole program.  Oh, I had a small staff and a very long list of volunteers, but ultimately the buck stopped with me.  It was easy for me to pick up and just do all the details that went with an event or whatever the job happened to be that day.  That way, I knew the job would be done and would be done right. I've been burned too many times by others not following through.  

 

Then I changed jobs a couple of years ago and for a while it was almost a relief at not being the final decision maker.  Was it easy - no.  Especially since I'm still involved in parts of my old job.  

 

I'm still a work in progress.  For me, it all comes with working with many different people and listening to their opinions and ideas.  (plus a lot of those I work with are teens)  One of the things I like to ask is how or why will that make xyz better?  

 

I've tried to become adept at biting my tongue and allowing others to make decisions - it helps them grow and learn and take responsibility for their decisions - that's a lot easier to do with some people rather than others.  They sometimes see a better way of doing things that I do and that's great!  I'm trying to become better at delegating over the years and not having a backup plan in place for something that others are responsible for.  

 

I'm getting better at it, but am still a work in progress.  Being tactful and talking about the pros and cons of the decision can help all the parties involved.  

[Queen 2,306]

Maybe you need a strong woman who will speak up about what she needs and how.  And at other times (many times), it is perfectly okay to call the shots (with her consent).  Just not 100% of the time.

I'm afraid if you are in a relationship with a super indecisive person, the power balance may be very off (in an unhealthy way).  And there are many indecisive women.  A mature woman tends to be less indecisive.  Like you, she has her career path set and is firing through it.  She tends to know more of what she wants in life. 

[Englishguy1988 381]

@lizzielou I understand that it's just what if someone you love is making a decision you know is the wrong one(I know most situations there is no right or wrong way of doing things - but just for the sake of discussion), how do you switch off and let them get on with it?

@Stacie I totally understand what you mean, and when I make decisions I am able to not just think of myself but to think about what is best for everyone involved, generally speaking though when I woman is indecisive it's generally something like they don't know where they want to eat or what they want to do etc which aren't overly important decisions in which case I'd either give them two options and let them pick and then if they still can't decide I'd pick for them.

[Lizzie 230]

Honestly when I get married I will follow the Biblical teachings that my husband is the head of the household.  He will have the final say in the major decisions.  Does that mean that I am not going to share my opinion?  No.  Nor does it mean that I won't tactfully tell him that he is wrong; nor will I always agree with some of the decisions (and he may not agree with some of the decisions that I make).  We'll change and adapt.    

 

A wife is a powerful influence in her husband's life.  When I get married, I will be looking out for my husband's best interests as he will mine and if we both keep that in mind as we go through life and decisions are made then both sides will understand and know that the best possible decision has been made for us/family.  

 

If someone I love is making a decision that I know is the wrong one, it depends on my relationship with them and just how wrong the decision is.  Is it a safety issue?  Is it one that will be detrimental to him or us?  If you approach someone with true concern for their well being then I would hope that they would seriously consider that and think through their actions instead of being flippant about your real concerns.  

 

If it's something about what to do or where to eat, well I can be guilty of indecision there.  I may really not care about what we do or eat until some choices are brought up.  For me, if a man wants to plan the activities for the day and where to eat, go for it.  I like a decisive, mature man, but also a man who knows where his limits are and will ask for advice or what I think.  

 

I don't know if I answered your question or if I just muddied the water more...or if my true meaning is coming across...

[Belle Femme 1,243]

If you are dealing with an indecisive person or people, giving them a few options and letting them choose from those is a good course of action. (When discussing unimportant stuff, like food or a fun activity or time to meet up, etc.) If he/they still can't decide, give your preference, and see if there's an agreement.

 

My husband and I make big decisions together. For example, he just started a new job this week that requires relocation. He only considered jobs in geographic locations that I had pre-approved. I'm visiting him this weekend, since I haven't moved yet, and we're looking at apartments together. We will only get one that we both like. Certainly, we'll probably have to make some compromises, but both of us have a few non-negotiables. I want two bathrooms and a washer/dryer connection. He wants a commute to work of 20 minutes or less. We might have to compromise on other things we'd both like, like a pool or a fireplace or the layout or even the rent, but any apartment will meet those requirements.

 

For small decisions, sometimes we take turns deciding, and sometimes we decide together. Luckily we like a lot of the same foods and restaurants, so picking out food is easy for us.

 

If you really like taking charge and making decisions, what's most important to learn is when to compromise and when NOT to compromise. Like this is an unimportant example, but my husband is a picky eater. If I want sushi or Indian or something a little more exotic, I make plans to get that with friends or by myself. I would never drag him to a restaurant that only served food he doesn't like.

 

BUT sometimes I watch stupid movies that he loves, and sometimes he watches stupid movies that I love. Those are little sacrifices we're each willing to make.

 

Also, sometimes you have to treat indecisive people like children. Give them a limited set of choices and have them pick from that. I agree with Stacie that a high degree of indecisiveness is a sign of immaturity. I'm a grown-ass woman. I know exactly what I want, and I know exactly what I will and will not compromise on.

[Queen 2,306]

I think a time frame to make a decision is helpful to someone who is indecisive as well. 

"Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?"

"Let me think about it.  I will send you a text and let you know!" 

Some people need to think it through.  But if they still can't decide.... sigh. 

[Englishguy1988 381]

@lizzylou I agree that a wife is a strong influence in a mans life, and that both parties should be looking out for each other and see themselves as a unit not necessarily individuals (obviously I understand they still are individuals at heart) I like the I dea of having the final say it big decisions as then I will be fully responsible for the outcome and if it is a negative outcome it would be my fault, as I automatically assume responsibility for taking care of my partener and her wellbeing, this could work very well.

@belle I would have thought that if one of you doesn't like something then it wouldn't even be an option:-D I do however see where you are coming from and totally agree, I also think it is good for each of you to have time for yourselves, I know that after I finish a week at work I just want to relax as my job is extreamly stressful and I have to be on it 100% of the time doing several jobs at once! So come Friday I just need an hour or two to wind down and let the stress go, and I think alone time is important as it gives your mind a chance to process everything and wipe the slate clean ready for a fun weekend.

@Queen I totally understand I think that could be a little hard at first as I have to be able to make decisions with just a moments notice so I think trying to let someone else take that responsibility is what is hard for me, it's not that I don't trust others to make choices it's just that I have to make split second decisions for a living and in the time it takes someone to narrow a choice down to three options I would have made the decision booked the table and probably already know what I was going to order! I think the reason it's so hard for me is I'm used to being efficient and getting things done the second they pop up not waiting around for a choice to be made... But I guess that's just how I am.

[Lizzie 230]

Obviously I know that in the future this will negatively affect any relationship I have so want to get a head start on it now, so guys how do you let others make decisions for you?

 

Let me share another point of view...a relative of mine got married last year.  I understand that marriage changes you and your spouse and you prioritize them before yourself, you make decisions together and so on.  But as I consider that relationship with your question in mind, I guess I hadn't realized how much I want to marry a man who can and is able to make decisions on his own.  This man is no longer capable of making even the tiniest decision alone - including what he wants for Christmas or his birthday.  It drives myself and several other people crazy at times.  

 

If the man I marry is not capable of telling his family what he wants for Christmas or any of the other little decisions in life without running it by me then how am I to have any confidence in his ability to make the big decisions for us and our family?