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LovingLana

Giving up..so close..

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I honestly feel like giving up on waiting. In a few days I'll be another year older and I don't see myself getting any closer to any type of ring. I already don't get much attention from guys and that attention evaporates even quicker when expressing how much I'd like to wait until marriage. It just does not feel like the one who is going to care for me and commit to marriage first before my body is out there. The trail is most certainly cold for coming across another compatible virgin wtm. I'm losing hope to say the least. I almost feel as if I just want to be normal, have a relationship with someone, and live life, I feel like a new doll in a box who is supposed to be the perfect gift for some deserving person..but that person hasn't walked in the toy store to claim me. I'm full of dust and I keep turning down everyone for that person who seems like is never coming...but I'm ready to get off this shelf and out this darn box already. Perhaps it sounds silly....but I'm tired of an affectionate less lifestyle...anyone else questioning the wait?

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I suspect that most of us understand that feeling.

 

But for me that is something I would never do.

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How has your dating life been besides the waiting aspect, or are you finding that WTM is scaring people away before they even get to know you? Are you in social groups or friend groups where someone who knows you as a full person might grow into a relationship? I kind of hate dating in the way it is done now, where you go on a date with someone you just met or barely know. It puts a lot of pressure on things and sexual compatibility seems to be on the forefront of people's minds. I'd much rather meet someone in a group friend setting then if we have compatible personalities than to go from there.

 

I didn't wait. I think it is a beautiful thing to wait, and I would wait for someone who wanted to in a heartbeat but I personally did not. I was in love with my partner and engaged to him, but life happened and things went sour anyway. Because waiting for someone who knew me as a person (friends for 7 years before we started dating), loved me, and was safe and responsible was my absolute necessity, I don't feel bad about the decision. The fact that the relationship failed bothers me a lot more and I've learned a lot from that.

 

A lot of people who WTM feel like that could be the reason they aren't meeting someone. However, be careful with that mindset. In my dating life now, it is hard to find someone who even meets the love/trust/loyal/safe/committed requirement. Even if I don't wait there are just too many people who have separated sex from love and almost want to get "sexual compatibility" out of the way before they even know your middle name. It's ridiculous and frustrating.

 

I'm not sure your personal beliefs and if waiting is something very important to you on a personal and possible spiritual level. I suppose we each have to ask ourselves that if we did meet someone who we had a trusting, loving, safe, and loyal relationship with and WTM was the only mismatch, are you happier and more at peace with sticking to your beliefs even if it means the possibility of being alone? Or is making that decision something that would make you feel worse and that you missed out on something important? By "important" I don't mean sex, I mean the relationship. Only you can decide.

 

Oh and if the whole idea of missing out on sex in and of itself crosses your mind and bothers you--- put that thought completely aside. Sex in and of itself is really not that great especially for those of us that see the person far far more important than the sex. Society makes a big whoop-de-do about sex but society is frankly full of shiz.

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Hey Lana, I completely understand feeling like a new doll still in your box, feeling like you keep turning down possible partners for someone who may never come around. I didn't share my first kiss with someone until 2 months before my 28th birthday. That wasn't really my plan, never thought I would wait so long to kiss someone. The affectionate-less lifestyle (at least from the opposite sex)  is something that I can relate to. I always knew that i wanted to save sex for marriage, and yeah there have been some times where I thought it might be easier to drop the WTM criteria in order not to be alone anymore.(which is crazy, because I know a lot of lonely people who are not WTM) I didn't require a virgin, but someone who was waiting, or as it turns out now, is waiting/will wait for me. 

 

Now that I am in a relationship with someone I really care about, it feels even easier and more tempting for me to give up, but I am really happy about waiting, and there is no way I am going to give up on it. He had a couple serious relationships before me, so he knows what it's like the other way. It's been…interesting  ^_^

 

Don't feel bad about questioning the wait. I think we all do it. Be encouraged, there is hope! I know what it's like to feel really down and lonely about it. Can't tell you how many lonely tears I have shed over the years

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I can't tell you the countless times I thought about just getting it done and over with. One less think I have to worry about, scare less men off. Because the V word just like traumatizing to them or something. But I stuck it out. I feel like either way I would need a guy to do it... did I really want some guy who only wanted sex to have something I have kept precious so many years? I decided to give it someone worthy so I keep wanting for my husband. I with Alex now, and having him so close, it definitely put those thoughts in ur head more, like he is great, but he knows what he is missing... how long is he willing to continue to wait? He thankfully put my fears to rest; frequently by telling me how much he is willing to wait and how he is looking forward to our future.

I will be 28 in a few months, so I understand how you feel. If u decided to give away your virginity, I only advise you choose a person you won't regret.

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Yes definitely wait for someone worth it. If you get the vibe that they care more about having sex than you then run as fast as you can. I've heard some guys say that their relationship was bad but "at least they're getting sex" or they're thinking she's not really right for them but they wanna keep having sex. Such a turn off. I don't have much respect for people that use others and I don't know how they can trick themselves into thinking they are being respectful to others.

 

Anyway, take a look at your social avenues and the places in your life where you're meeting people. Are they places that attract those with the same values? If you're doing your best to get out there and socialize, it might ease some of your worry.

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Finding a compatible person who is also willing to wait until marriage is like finding a needle in a haystack.  But you can't loose hope!  Never loose hope!  All you need is one!  But I truly understand the struggle in the wait.  I have struggled with loneliness a lot and some have known that I have not always handled it well.  But try, try again. 

 

Take it from me.  If a man can only love you with the promise of your body.. you might always wonder if he would have loved you if he had to wait for it.  Love isn't quite as magical after that.  Again, though, i understand the need to be close to someone.  For you both to share your love and companionship.  It's good to reevaluate what you believe in and why you believe in it.  Helps us to grow as people.  It might result in changing your values or priorities.  Or it might make them stronger. 

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I'll put in my opinion from guy's perspective, ... I feel like at times a car sitting on the showroom floor that's a couple decades old, but never driven.

I sit and watch the cars come and go each year and even the ones come into the shop for maintenance.

And wonder when I might be driven, getting to do what sportcars were built to do.

You know as you get older it does become tough and doubts begin to creep into your mind.

What began an idealistic, beautiful journey, becomes an uphill climb.

I also agree with what Stacie said above about the 'needle in a haystack', that's the exact metaphor I was thinking of.

(I do wonder where that saying originated, did folks do sewing out in the barn near the haystack, ... LoL!)

To include what I've mentioned a few times on these boards, and expound upon what Skeptopotamus mentioned above about expanding your social circle.

Make efforts towards enjoying this season of your life.

*Join a hobbyist club or organization.

*Go and do some volunteer work with those who are less fortunate.

*Take a relationship skills class

*Travel

I'm just saying make the "waiting" active, and enjoy this season of your life.

Someday when you do marry and have that minivan with toddlers in back.

With cheerios and cheetos all upon the floor, you'll enjoy that of course.

But you'll also look at the single woman at the supermarket shopping casually with a bit envy.

Finally any guy that won't respect your decision to wanna wait and wants to sample the selection disregarding your wishes.

Well think about this from a guy's perspective remember we're very aggressive minded.

If you gave in on such an important and valueable belief of yours won't that cause the relationship and possibly marriage to become "lopsided".

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