getting a "non waiter[a guy]" to wait?

[needlegirl_haystackworld 14]

I feel like its alot easier for guys to get a girl to wait then a girl who is commited. How should us girls approach the idea of getting a man to wait for us?

[Mstr Josh 2,607]

You just tell him you're waiting, and he will quickly be able to decide to wait or not. It's that simple. I was not a waiter until I met a girl who was waiting, when she told me she was waiting I agreed to wait as well.

Many guys will reject the idea no matter how you put it, it really is best to just bluntly tell a guy you're waiting.

[Guest Fear the King the Khan]

It's futile if the person doesn't have it in him.

 

It comes from the heart. Ok, the act is important too, but will it really work?

 

I believe that waiting comes from the heart, mind and soul, and not from the act itself.

[waitn4myprince 66]

Once you tell them that you are waiting, they will have to make a decision. But if they choose to WAIT, they should not throw that in your face when ever they become frustrated or annoyed. If you both agree to wait together this becomes a group effort.

[Guest ragtagandbobtail]

I agree with the above posts.

However, you should think about how you're wording that. You don't want to 'get' a guy to wait for you. That's wanting to change him when it needs to be his own decision and not you unconsciously (or maybe consciously, depending on your aggression level ) wanting to ‘force’ something on him that’s important to you. If he feels he wants to spend his life with you, he will wait for you. If not, well, goodbye .

[dodgedude 2,350]

First off,

 

It's difficult either way, trust me. Getting a girl to wait if you're a guy has its own set of challenges as well.

 

It can be done, and I know of several success stories of non-waiters waiting for a waiter (how many times can I say waiter in once sentence ) it just has to be the right person.

 

I also suggest, for what it's worth, to wait until a few dates in to bring it up. That way the person's preconceived notions about waiting and waitERS might not affect the decision as much. Meaning the idea of waiting may seem to that person like something they would never do, but if they start to fall for someone they may realize everything changes, and they might be willing to. Just my $.02

[needlegirl_haystackworld 14]

Thank you all alot! A bit of background for myself...in grade school up until college i was a really shy girl & not many guys were interested in me, so i didnt have any relationships young [im glad i skipped that] but once college came around & i wasnt around the same ppl everyday guys started to notice me, i made friends & came out of my shell alot. I also do runway modeling. But now when it comes to relationships or getting close to guys telling them im a virgin & how i feel about sex is really difficult. Getting them to stay around for more than a month or so is near impossible. I am only 21 but i feel like i am ready for the whole package ; marriage,kids,everything...i just need to keep praying for the right 1 to find me .

Keep me in your prayers please! Our generation is driving me nuts

[bethreny 501]

I never intended to date someone who was not waiting (not necessarily a virgin, but I had always thought I would find someone who was already committed to waiting when I met them)…but life throws curveballs, and here I am, with someone who is now waiting for me, though not before I met him. 

 

I don't think you should have to get a man to wait for you, he either will or he won't. When my boyfriend first asked me out, he did not know I was a virgin, and that is one of the reasons I said no. About 7 months later, when we had become good friends and I trusted him, that is when I told him, and that was about the time he started to pursue. I honestly thought it would turn him off, but it had the opposite effect. 

 

Look out for those who say they will wait, and don't intend to. There has to be effort from both parties. We keep the lines of communication open, and have had many discussions about our relationship and where it is going. He says that he will feel like a true born-again virgin by the time he marries me (I swear I did not introduce him to this term!), and both of us waiting for each other is a very interesting, difficult and fulfilling experience so far. When a man is thinking about the rest of his life with you, he tends to do everything he can to make it happen.

 

oh and just to share a little background needlegirl, I'm almost 28, had one short, serious relationship when I was your age, then was single and rarely attracted to any man for the next 6 years. The whole time I have wanted marriage, kids, the whole package. My boyfriend is the only man I have ever kissed.

 

Don't be discouraged! Sounds like you have a lot going for you, and if you can't keep a guy around for more than a month, you don't want him around, period. In my case, I waited until trust was built to tell him that I was saving sex for marriage. We don't always have the luxury of doing that, but that's how it worked out for me. I don't think I would want to let a guy that i barely know something like that... 

[needlegirl_haystackworld 14]

Thank u so much for that ! It really helped & i hope you both have an awesome marriage & life together! Your words are really confronting...hope i get a good guy like yours !

[kquest87 178]

I actually have experience here, with my current guy Alex. He is not a virgin and he isn't the type to jump into a sexual relationship right off, but his version of wait was like the 90 day rule. I told him I was waiting... like long term waiting and I told him why. And he is ok with that. We been together about 4 months now. No pressure for sex, which is nice. Finding someone like him was hard, esp since he knows what he is missing. When I 1st start talking to a guy, the Convo of sex, number of partners, etc comes up. I always tell them right at that time I'm a virgin and waiting... which is always an awkward conversation. 98.9% of guys will leave right then or say that is cool then fade away within a matter of days/weeks. I choose to see this as a great way to weed out the guys who is only interested in getting laid. But if u stay true to who you are. You will find the right guy... hoping I have found mine.

[wanderlust 315]

Getting a male non-waiter to wait for you is like driving blindfolded. It usually ends pretty poorly. But if he's not into me in that he wants a long-term relationship, he's not going to wait. That's okay. We're just looking for different things. 

[PaulJustPaul 801]

This is perhaps only an opinion, and an opinion contrasting from the others here...

 

I have experience with this type of situation, and from that, I think waiting until marriage should be a value of both individuals before starting the relationship.  I think other differences in values can be different, given people are constantly in flux, but the value of celibacy is directly related to the relationship - it is a value about how to conduct yourself in a relationship. Differing on a political or religious value, or some other moral value (pick any bioethics issue - abortion, euthanasia, use of nonhuman animals for food, etc.) still might present issues, but not quite the same way right off the bat as celibacy (or lack thereof) would.

 

In my most serious relationship, my girlfriend (no longer so) said she understood the value of waiting, and would wait. But I could never get over her "history", and I believe it's largely because she didn't genuinely hold that value, and her waiting for me felt condescending.

 

I think people can adopt that value, but in most cases, you either value celibacy or don't, and I never like the idea of someone waiting simply because the one they're interested in is. I think it can give an unhealthy sexual tone to the relationship, make celibacy MORE difficult (surprise, surprise), and create some problems in deciding what values you as a couple wish to instill in your children (if that is your intention) - do you tell them to wait out of a moral conviction, or to simply adapt to their partner, and perhaps not really develop strong moral values regarding sexuality?

 

So, when it comes to getting anyone (male or female) to wait, I think it's ultimately a waste of one's time. Personally, I believe it's a value that should be shared with partners, given it sets the tone for the entire relationship, and if that value is only on one side, and the other simply doesn't object to it, I don't believe that is the same as two sharing that value.

If a guy is not waiting initially, I don't think it needs to be a deal-breaker in the short-term, but I believe it can cause problems in the long-term if he does not genuinely adopt the same value you have.

But that is also dependent on the conviction with which you hold the value, and the reasons for it. If for you it is a moral value based in a consideration for other people (you wish to respect your partner and their potential future partners, and/or wish to base the relationship on intellectual and emotional intimacy rather than physical), and one you believe is a core value of yours, then his not waiting out of a similar, genuine moral conviction will likely cause problems. If your waiting is simply because that's what you feel is right for you, that you want to wait for some special because it makes you feel better and ensures you can trust the person, then I don't think it should matter.

 

So, if you're waiting out of consideration for others, make sure he is genuinely waiting for the same reasons before you let things get serious. And this should be something he comes to himself, not something you get him to believe.

If you're waiting reasons concerning your own comfort (which is not really morally-based, but no less legitimate), it shouldn't bother you that he is not concerned with waiting, nor will it likely cause problems in the long-term.

[needlegirl_haystackworld 14]

Thanks alot for the new responses everybody !

[nieogar 39]

I think everything was said already but in present "anti-culture" we need to keep saying it. 

IMO if someone can't wait it means he is not worth your time. There is sooooo many guys out there looking for a girl like you. Lowering youtr standards would be a great  and unnecessary loss.