Queen

At Home With Mom

50 posts in this topic

The idea here seems to be to take 'living with the parents' as an indicator for the person's self-sufficiency and economic capabilities. Unless the cultural factors and the reasons for staying at home are taken into account it is a relatively poor indicator in my opinion. My sister will soon be marrying a mid-20s guy who has lived at home all his life [except kind of crashing at her place a lot]. He dropped out of school early and has been in the workforce ever since, owns and runs his own business, and owns a property which he's renting out. Cut to my sister who moved out of home to go to uni full time and has received a significant amount of financial support from my parents. I also know someone who moved out of home and keeps getting bailed out of debt by her parents - she only looks financially independent but never learnt to be thrifty. Hence I don't treat living-at-home-or-not status as being reliable. I can fully understand Stacie's concern though with finding someone who has the capability and maturity to support a family - it certainly is an important characteristic - I just consider this is better demonstrated by other factors.

 

As for the homeless, have some sympathy! There are SO many factors that play a role (undiagnosed mental health issues just one). Certainly perseverence is a great/necessary quality for many but it is not simply a matter of the will. 

 

In todays society where family bonds/cohesion is unfortunately poor, I think longer exposure to a family setting can be very helpful [short of developing a freeloading, lazy attitude which I'm sure every one on this forum would readily identify]. Certainly it can give a greater insight into the struggles of maintaining a functional marriage/household that may well have been overlooked at a younger age. 

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I've seen marriages work out even when the wife moved in with her husband who lived with his family.

 

I know guys who don't date because they think they don't deserve to date anyone while they live with parents.

 

I know people who have parents who are destitute or have serious illnesses and have this bizarre notion that they love their parents more than society's arbitrary rules of what an "independant", "I-got-my-life-figured-out" man/woman is.

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As for the homeless, have some sympathy! There are SO many factors that play a role (undiagnosed mental health issues just one). Certainly perseverence is a great/necessary quality for many but it is not simply a matter of the will.

 

That's why I said "sometimes", Bearded One.  Homelessness certainly has a huge psychological component.  One has to want change in order to find it.  It is certainly not as simple as perseverance alone, but sometimes it is.  Sometimes we give up and accept our circumstances.  Everyone is different.  But without a goal, perseverance is not even an option. There are many factors that go into it.  And if I met a homeless person (which I have), I would have a conversation with them.  I would help them if they wanted it by showing them resources and giving them encouragement.  But I would not enable them by pitying them.  I would help them stand up and face the world by standing with them and showing them the way.  I would show them that there is free therapy, shelters, foodstamps, etc.  I know many options!  Because I have used these resources myself!

I already have a job offer when I graduate to work at a homeless shelter for women.  Why did they pick me?  Because I was in their shoes!  And I know how to help them find the inner-strength to change.  When did giving someone some change on the street corner ever help them change their life?  Giving them a ride to church, to their job, and telling them how awesome they are.  THAT'S what helps a person achieve their goals. Give them self-sufficiency skills and emotional support.  Not by pitying them.

 

"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish, he eats for life."

 

 

The topic of this thread is very broad.  Many posts here, including my own, address SOME situations.  Certainly not all.  Context is everything.  I posted this thread to explore why some are still at home.  There are MANY reasons.  Many are good.  If you think an adult who lives with mom, who does not have a job nor is looking for one, is okay.  You are entitled to that opinion and I will respect that.   I'm asking the same.

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I still may not completely agree with you (although I can understand you a bit better now that you've clarified), but I do believe you need to do what is right for you and yours. I think that is why there are so many types of people, different views, different lifestyles, in the world.

 

I can understand you wanting your daughter to grow up knowing how to take care of herself. Being a single parent is, in my opinion (from watching my mom) a very difficult task. My mom had that plan for us, she even had rules as to what life would be like when we graduated high school, based on each decision we had to make (college, no college, etc). With me, she realized that was unnecessary, with my middle sister she didn't really have to (long story, but she didn't live at home), and with my youngest sister there was just a lot of troubles (also a long story). She saw me interning and going to high school, while helping her with care for my youngest sister (almost 8 years my junior) so she didn't have to worry about childcare. So, those rules changed with me. We have been helping each other ever since, in many different ways.

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Sometimes life doesn't turn out how we've pictured it.  I've told myself many times "I would never do that".  Then when I was actually in the position, I did the thing I thought I never would do.  I think "living by yourself" rules are too absolute when everyone comes with a story.

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While there are certainly many exceptions, including different cultural values from outside our US-heavy user base, I agree with Stacie that living on your own is an indicator of self-sufficiency. It's not the ONLY indicator of self-sufficiency, and certainly some people can technically live on their own without actually supporting themselves financially.

 

Self-sufficiency is about more than your income. It's not just about having money, but the ability to pay bills on time, to go grocery shopping, to keep your space clean, to set boundaries with visitors, to communicate problems with a landlord and/or to fix small problems. Basically, what does a person and their living space look like when they're accountable only to themselves?

 

Someone said upthread that it's  not right to demand that a person to explain their circumstances to us. I agree. I do think it's totally reasonable to find out why a fully-grown adult is living with their parents IF that adult wants to date you. I'm not going to demand strangers tell me their life story, but I need a little background info on a dude if he wants a first date.

 

And it's a little hypocritical to tell someone that if she requires a SO not to live with his parents that she's being judgmental or shaming when this entire website is based around the concept of dating/marrying people who meet our high standards. If it's not judgmental to want to date a person who is saving a first KISS for marriage, it's not judgmental to want to date a person living on their own. A lot of people on this website imply or directly state that a person's waiting status says a lot about their character, their values, their morals, their innate goodness, etc. Is it really that different to say that a person's living situation says a lot about their character and their ability to be a good partner?

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When did giving someone some change on the street corner ever help them change their life?  Giving them a ride to church, to their job, and telling them how awesome they are.  THAT'S what helps a person achieve their goals. Give them self-sufficiency skills and emotional support. 

 

For sure! Never know what the money will be used for unfortunately. That's why once when I was asked for change I bought him a pie instead of giving him change. 

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It depends. I know some adults who live at home for various reasons. But if you're at home just to be at home and doing nothing , then you need to get a life.

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I don't fall for the "I can't afford to live on my own." When you DON'T have a home, you find a way.

For Vince who didn't have a job for 3 years, if you had no one to live with, I guarantee you wouldn't have been unemployed for that long. You stayed unemployed in part because you could. Saving for a house is cool in a financial sense. Moving out and paying rent makes a person more datable. Depends on one's goals.

I heard a 35 year old man who is interested in me say he lives with his mom because "Its too expensive to live on his own" and he is "close to his mom" and he has always lived with his mom. I'm thinking that is just not reason enough to live at home. Its not that I mind or care that he lives at home. Its that I can't date him because he has not demonstrated that he could be reliable in a future relationship. What if we marry and we have hardships? Will he work his butt off to figure something out for his family or will we be moving in with his mom? If he can't provide for himself, how can he provide for someone else? Will he always have a sap story whenever something gets hard? Will he always have some excuse? If he looses his job, will he just stay depressed on my couch? Life happens. Hardships happen. You got to be tough. I moved out when I was 20 years old paying rent off minimum wage and paid for my own college. Now I've been a single mom for the last 6 years. How am I compatible with someone who freeloads? I am way too tough for that. I need someone I can trust when hard times come. Of course they all say they are trustworthy. Then show me.

I completely respect a person who lives at home but is also financially contributing or actively planning on more independence. I think a person should plan for their independence starting at 18. That way they can go to school, they can save, whatever they need to do, but the ultimate goal is ALWAYS to be a contributing, responsible, independent adult. They should ALWAYS have a plan and be updating the plan as needed. There's even room in that to fall and get back up again. That's why I have little leniency with 35 year old men still at home with petty excuses such as "I'm moving out soon but its just hard". They were supposed to be working on that the last 17 years.

There are many good reasons for staying at home a little longer than desirable as many people have mentioned in this thread. But there sure are some bad excuses too.

18 doesn't mean you're ready to be an adult. Heck most 18 year olds don't know what they want. Things happen in life. I find your post very rude and insulting. Some people truly can't find jobs. Some have injuries or are in bad health. You never know what another person is going through. Life can change in a quick second

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And it's a little hypocritical to tell someone that if she requires a SO not to live with his parents that she's being judgmental or shaming when this entire website is based around the concept of dating/marrying people who meet our high standards. If it's not judgmental to want to date a person who is saving a first KISS for marriage, it's not judgmental to want to date a person living on their own. A lot of people on this website imply or directly state that a person's waiting status says a lot about their character, their values, their morals, their innate goodness, etc. Is it really that different to say that a person's living situation says a lot about their character and their ability to be a good partner?

 

If you want to build your life together with your SO right away or want them to help support your child, then those are valid reasons to not want to date someone who is still financially dependent. However, the whole issue came up because there was an underlying assumption that most guys who live with their parents for longs period of time are weak-willed.To me, that's a really shaky association. It would be like someone wanting to only date a virgin because they think that the person in question would be unfaithful otherwise. But, as you've probably read from others, the reasons why users think waiting is valuable are much different and have deeper meaning.

Also, the choice to kiss/have sex with someone is always something that is under one's complete control. Having a job and owning a home? Not so much. I don't really see why they can be equated.

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If you want to build your life together with your SO right away or want them to help support your child, then those are valid reasons to not want to date someone who is still financially dependent. However, the whole issue came up because there was an underlying assumption that most guys who live with their parents for longs period of time are weak-willed.To me, that's a really shaky association. It would be like someone wanting to only date a virgin because they think that the person in question would be unfaithful otherwise. But, as you've probably read from others, the reasons why users think waiting is valuable are much different and have deeper meaning.

Also, the choice to kiss/have sex with someone is always something that is under one's complete control. Having a job and owning a home? Not so much. I don't really see why they can be equated.

 

Actually, to paraphrase a bit, the  initial question asked at what age is it a red flag for a person to have NEVER moved out from their parents. And the suggested ages for when it might be problematic were 30 and 35. Furthermore, the question had nothing to do with home ownership. I previously lived in my state's capitol before moving in with my husband. I lived in an expensive neighborhood in an expensive city, I chose a more expensive apartment because I wanted AC (even though it's only needed about 6 weeks a year here), and I chose to live alone instead of having a roommate. Even with the more expensive choices I made, I could have paid for rent, food, utilities, and gas working 40 hours a week on minimum wage.

 

So sure, having a job in your desired field isn't in your control, and owning a home isn't in your control, but it's a myth that for YEARS an able-bodied person of average intelligence would not be able to find some sort of employment that would pay for an okay apartment with a roommate. IF it's fair to want to only date a person who chose not to kiss anyone before marriage, THEN it's fair to only want to date a person willing to work even a shitty job in order to be financially independent. People are allowed to set their own dating standards, and I stand by my original point about the hypocrisy in stating otherwise.

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This thread has gone in a lot of directions, so my post is going to do the same. I'll be throwing some thoughts out and hopefully they make sense.

 

Firstly, there are many reasonable reasons to live with one's parents, especially if your in your early 20s (and, yes, like others have said there probably occassionally are even if you're older than that). That being said, you cannot expect a man or woman to be willing to date you even if your reasons are valid. Some people simply wouldn't be comfortable with it. They might very strongly like the idea of being able to go back to their boyfriend or girlfriend's place to have some alone time (either sexually speaking or not). And that's fine. It's fair for someone to want that.

 

Now, just because it's fair does not mean it is always necessarily smart. If you're 18 and you insist every guy or girl you date has their own place, you're probably being unrealistic and stupidly limiting your options.

 

As to whether or not it means the guy (or girl) isn't independent or can't take care of themselves. Well, that's an unfair and often unfounded assumption. But, it is not unfair to think that since they are currently choosing to live with their parents that there might be an incompatibility between the two of you at this time.

 

I'll even use myself as an example to illustrate this point. I'm 22 and live with my mother because I want to get graduate school done with as quickly as possible. I could get a full-time job and go part-time and take much longer to graduate, but frankly I don't want to do that. I'm forunate enough to have a mother who lets me live with her. I accept her generous offer. I'll be able to get my degree quicker and start my intended career at a younger age than if I went part-time and it took me twice as long to complete my degree. I'm setting myself up for a better financial future. Am I wrong to do this? Not at all. Does it mean I'm not independently spirited? No, not at all.

 

But, it does mean that, at this juncture in my life, I would not be compatible with certain women. I might be independently spirited, but currently I am not living independently. That is a cold, hard fact. There are women who want to live independently as quickly as possible, despite financial disadvantages. That is not how I'm choosing to live, but it is how they are choosing to live. So, right now it might not work out between me and such a woman. Maybe if we met in x amount of years it would, but right now it wouldn't. And that's okay. It doesn't mean she's a bad person or that she is judging me as being lazy or a moocher. We're just not a fit right now.

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18 doesn't mean you're ready to be an adult. Heck most 18 year olds don't know what they want. Things happen in life. I find your post very rude and insulting. Some people truly can't find jobs. Some have injuries or are in bad health. You never know what another person is going through. Life can change in a quick second

 

I go to college with lots of around 20-year olds.  They are very mature and good class-mates who have promising futures.  Some even have part-time jobs along with their college careers.  When my daughter is 18, I don't want her still acting like a child.  If the government thinks she can vote, then she must be capable of something.  I want her doing something with her life or working towards a goal.  If she wants a smart phone and fancy clothes, she can have a part time job.  Or she can go to college. At 18, I think having a job is a great thing when you don't know what you want to do with your life (as you mentioned above).  That's how I figured out a lot of things, was just going out and being a part of society and making a buck.  I learned many life skills there.  A job is good when you are still figuring things out or college can do the same.  But not the couch. The couch will do nothing. I remember Dr. Phil say once that if you don't have a job (and you are well into adulthood), then your job IS to find a job (Monday-Friday). 

I've had a job since I was 16. That's why I don't understand why people "can't find a job".  I understand that there are life circumstances, health reasons, etc.  But it should always be a goal in their life to have some sort of independence some day

 

If different cultures think it is okay for "kids" in their 20s to stay at home, I can respect that.  I don't understand why people can't respect the culture I come from.  I am going to have my own business before they can say "Mom, what's for lunch?"  So what?  Live and let live.  I was speaking in context of who I would date.  I prefer to date a responsible, independent adult.  It's also how I live my own life.  Just my opinion.  Everyone is entitled to theirs.

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I go to college with lots of around 20-year olds. They are very mature and good class-mates who have promising futures. Some even have part-time jobs along with their college careers. When my daughter is 18, I don't want her still acting like a child. If the government thinks she can vote, then she must be capable of something. I want her doing something with her life or working towards a goal. If she wants a smart phone and fancy clothes, she can have a part time job. Or she can go to college. At 18, I think having a job is a great thing when you don't know what you want to do with your life (as you mentioned above). That's how I figured out a lot of things, was just going out and being a part of society and making a buck. I learned many life skills there. A job is good when you are still figuring things out or college can do the same. But not the couch. The couch will do nothing. I remember Dr. Phil say once that if you don't have a job (and you are well into adulthood), then your job IS to find a job (Monday-Friday).

I've had a job since I was 16. That's why I don't understand why people "can't find a job". I understand that there are life circumstances, health reasons, etc. But it should always be a goal in their life to have some sort of independence some day.

If different cultures think it is okay for "kids" in their 20s to stay at home, I can respect that. I don't understand why people can't respect the culture I come from. I am going to have my own business before they can say "Mom, what's for lunch?" So what? Live and let live. I was speaking in context of who I would date. I prefer to date a responsible, independent adult. It's also how I live my own life. Just my opinion. Everyone is entitled to theirs.

18 is still a teenager. Sure an 18 year can vote, join the army,etc but some or even most 18 year olds aren't mature. They're still kids to me. Kids who are just exploring the world and their options.

And not everyone can find a job. It's not an excuse it's a real fact. Especially since people are still losing jobs. What would you tell a 58 year old grown adult who got laid off from his 200k year job and had to move in with his parents? What about the person who sent out 300 resumes a week yet only got a few interviews but still didn't get hired? Some people want to work but can't. Some can work but don't want to. But I can tell you these people aren't as common as you think. You cant judge people because you don't know their story. If you don't want to date a person who lives with their parents fine. But don't put down others who might live at home because they don't meet your standards.

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I was trying to explain what it means to me to be an adult. For the 200k job layoff, hopefully he was living within his means and not loading up on the debt.  Then he could sell his assets and live off of that until he finds his new job, for example.  Also, he could use his skills to start his own business (the internet is a world wide market!). There are real stories of people doing just that.  To those looking for jobs, a part time job is certainly better than no job.  If a person couldn't find a job, then it may be time to move to where there are jobs. (Walt Disney was unsuccessful in Kansas City so he headed to California where he found his market).  To the person who gets interviews but no jobs, don't give up!  And also, maybe some self-reflection on why they are not getting hired (such as an interview-etiquette review or reorganize resume).  To the person who sent out 300 resumes in one week and didn't get hired, sounds like a huge amount of resumes.  Do they know to change the objective of their resume to each position they apply towards?  Some people just aren't hiring at that moment, so it may not be personal.  Go where the jobs are. Get qualifications people are looking for.  And ALWAYS have a backup plan.  (Such as a savings account for job loss because that is a real fact of life).

Also though, it's okay to live at home with parents.  I was just trying to say that it is not one of my values or something I look for in a date.  That's all.  If a person is happy at home, I respect that.  I could only wish I could be happy for long periods of time around my parents. They must have something special that I don't have, a good relationship with their parents. 

Hopefully people who are at home with parents are doing so out of choice.  It's a real bummer when life is gets rough and sends you back home.  I don't think I've said this (because I didn't really want to), but a lot of things I say are from experience.  I've been burned.  I've been completely unprepared financially to pay bills but had to figure it out (off minimum wage none the less).  Then there was the time I was married to someone and was a stay at home mom, he kept loosing his job and we moved in with my parents.  I hated it!  I hated how my life circumstances were always dictated by my surroundings and by other people.  I learned some good budgeting skills and a great work ethic, so that it wouldn't happen again.  I learned that using creativity is a great asset to someone who is trying to overcome challenges.  If someone is at home with their parents and are happy, so be it.  I am happy for them!  But if someone ISN'T happy with that arrangement, maybe they could use some of my ideas.  I don't mean to insult people. And I'm sorry if I did.  I learned here that there are different and acceptable ways to live in adulthood than my own ideas.
 

If people think my comments are "wrong", that's okay.  Just keep adding to the discussion your own ideas.

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IF it's fair to want to only date a person who chose not to kiss anyone before marriage, THEN it's fair to only want to date a person willing to work even a shitty job in order to be financially independent.

 

:)

Love this

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As previously said, I think it's cultural. I come from a culture where families of multigenerations can live together forever.

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As previously said, I think it's cultural. I come from a culture where families of multigenerations can live together forever.

So how does that work?  How does a married couple maintain privacy?  Sex MUST be quiet!  Locks on every door! Right?  Does everyone contribute? 

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So how does that work? How does a married couple maintain privacy? Sex MUST be quiet! Locks on every door! Right? Does everyone contribute?

"Does everyone contribute"

Oh my gosh I laughed too much at that.

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"Does everyone contribute"

Oh my gosh I laughed too much at that.

Why? What's so funny about it?  My 6 year old helps with the laundry and other stuff.  Mothers traditionally cook.  Fathers traditionally make money.  Grandparents are great at helping raise kids. Etc.  So what is the funny part?

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Does everyone contribute in on the sex is how I initially read it, even though that's not what was meant.

That's why I thought it was funny.

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Why? What's so funny about it?  My 6 year old helps with the laundry and other stuff.  Mothers traditionally cook.  Fathers traditionally make money.  Grandparents are great at helping raise kids. Etc.  So what is the funny part?

 

No, Josh took your "does everybody contribute" comment to mean something sexual, lol.

 

And to answer your question, I honestly don't know as I don't live with anyone else besides my parents. I assume they figure out something.

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No, Josh took your "does everybody contribute" comment to mean something sexual, lol.

 

Oh! LOL!!

 

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One has every right to desire a significant other who doesn't live at home. In this thread alone, however, I've read misconceptions that those who live at home lack maturity, self-sufficiency, and haven't figured life out. Really quite unfair to assume such things about people.

 

I'm someone who lived on their own hours away from home for all of college, was self-sufficient in every way possible (no financial help from parents at all), but who now is temporarily living at home (with a full-time job) due to vast student loans. Living at home doesn't equate to not being readily capable of self-sufficiency given the proper circumstances.

There's other factors too. I recently was in a long-term relationship, and while a lot of guys in my situation would have made the jump right from living at home to living with their girlfriend and splitting rent (which I could afford), this obviously was not an option for me (WTM). And when you're not the typical guy it can be challenging to find a compatible male roommate.

Also, just throwing this out there, but someday parents will be gone. When that happens, will I really regret the few extra years I spent with them and the additional memories made? Hell no.

If someone is lazy and content to live at home their entire lives, fine, but for some it is merely a holding pattern until things fall into place. In no way does that convey a lack of character.

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So how does that work? How does a married couple maintain privacy? Sex MUST be quiet! Locks on every door! Right? Does everyone contribute?

How do parents have sex with kids in the house??

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