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At Home With Mom

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Many of the waiters here are very young adults.  So it is fair to assume many are living at home as a dependent (or in a dorm at college, still a dependent).  When is it NOT okay to be living at home with mom?  Assume you are a little older (at least 28 yrs old), and as a dater, would you date a 30 year old who never moved out (besides college)?  Or a 35 year old?  Or would you prefer someone who has gained independence before you date? 

I prefer independence.  Nothing can tell you what it is truly like to try to pay rent every month than actually doing it. But what if they are a super wonderful woman/man that is 35 and still lives with mom?  Shouldn't they have figured life out by now?  Is this unreasonable?

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I'm nearly 35. I've been completely independent. I started working when I was 13, started paying my own way (and helping my mom by babysitting my youngest sister when she was at work) by the time I was 18. By the time I was 20 I had my first apartment. A few years later, I moved in with my mom for a short time, then I bought a house and her and my youngest sis moved in with me. When my niece died, and a few other things happened in life, I lost my house and rented another apartment on my own. A few years later I rented a small house and let my sister stay with me for just a little while, and my mom stayed on the weekends. Until she was unable to work and she lived with me. A few years later we decided to uproot our lives and start over in another state, and she started taking care of me again... now I live with my mom, nephews, sister, and her ex. I was suppose to have started looking for a job by now, but the docs are finally starting to figure out my health issues, and my meds take a lot out of me. So, I help with the kids, and household chores. I do most of that stuff, and I do most of the packing when we move. Mainly because I can do it at my own pace. Actually, what this has taught me is that, all those years of thinking I'd be lost if I wasn't working and being independent I was totally wrong. I'm really quite happy doing household stuff, and (hopefully) will be able to have my own photography business that will be my job.

 

I guess that's a really long description of 'Sure. I'd date someone living at home... as long as they aren't lazy... as long as they help themselves or their family... maybe has a job or is looking and working to find one... and, maybe, understands what it means to be independent'. Which leads into what I'd actually like to have someday, but that's a completely different topic.

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This is actually pretty relevant for me right now. My boyfriend recently dropped the bomb that he doesn't think he'll be ready to live on his own (or with me) until he goes through some pretty intensive therapy in order to treat his anxiety. Independence right after college has always been a huge goal of mine, so the idea of potentially having to put that off (not sure if I can afford an apartment by myself) has been really crushing and demoralizing for me these past few weeks.

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I think that's partly a cultural question. In many cultures, people live at home with different generations. For example, my grandparents lived with us until they passed away. It was expected in our culture. A few of my cousins lived at home until they got married and some didn't. I really don't think it necessarily makes a person less of an adult if they still live at home, depending on the situation. For example, my cousin and I share a place now and obviously each pay our fair share of bills/rent. Prior to that, I lived with my dad, but I worked full time (still do) and I payed my half of the rent/bills. I wasn't just freeloading. As long as someone is contributing in some way, be it financially or otherwise, I don't think it's fair to assume they're not an independent adult yet or that they are living at home to freeload. (Especially if they are helping to take care of a sick parent or grandparents as I was.) 

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I think it is a case-by-case thing. Some situations where its logical and other instances where its just weird.

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In this day and age, I would not think anything weird of someone living with parents as adults. A decent wage is scarce in England and most people are living with someone else to save money, although parents are usually the cheapest option because you could have at least three people all working to pay the bills and do all the chores.

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If I met a girl that were living with her parents or other family, I think I would be down to date her in almost all cases. Ultimately, I think I'll be perfectly content marrying a woman and her not working or working part time (in fact, it would be my huge preference that my wife not have a job solely for money, but to use her time doing something she loves, be that art, volunteering, raising kids, or even having a career), so if that were her situation prior to us dating that would be fine. But her having a part time job to help her parents or providers with bills and helping around their house would definitely be a plus. (This is how I feel about girls my age, and I don't think that will change when I'm in my late 20's or early 30's).

 

On a side note, I'm currently living with my brother and his wife and have a part time job. I have a degree that can get me a fairly high-paying job but I haven't been able to land one (though I came close last month) due to a combination of anxiety, poor interpersonal skills in interviews, a lacking work/internship history, having no idea what I want to do in my field, and a little bit of laziness. In this situation, I feel pretty much un-dateable. I feel like I've got to get a full-time job and my own place before I can even think about dating.

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I'm not sure if it's a culture thing or just my family but they are totally fine with their adult children living at home. I live at home and go to school. Even after I am done school I think I will be living at home and contributing to the rent and things like that. My older brother moved back in the house at 29 or 30 ( I forget) due to financial issues but has moved back out. I would love to move out once finish with school but will probably not be ready financially and mentally.

Living independentally is pretty expensive so I would date someone who is living with their parents. As long as they aren't like mooching off of their parents.

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It would all depend on the reason he was still living at home.  If the reason was due to a job loss or ill parent or some other reason along those lines, then I would consider it, I can understand those reasons.  If the reason was simple laziness and lack of ambition, then no.  

 

I'm fairly independent and have been living on my own for a few years.  There's something to be said for a man who is capable of taking care of his laundry and meals, etc without depending on his mom (and eventually his wife) to do it all for him.  

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I'm almost 30 and still live at home. I was on my own during college and the next couple years after graduation but was forced to move back home after some evil coworkers screwed me out of my old job. Despite my efforts, I was unemployed for almost 3 years. Eventually I found a full time job a year ago and have been slowly getting back on my feet. I wanted to move out ASAP, but my parents advised me to stay a while and save up for a house. It just doesn't make sense financially to waste money on rent just for the sake of being on my own when I have an opportunity to save for a house.They don't charge me rent and love having me around so I feel blessed in that regard. But I still help around the house in any way I can. I do not take them for granted.

 

This is kind of a touchy subject for me. I didn't initially choose to be in this situation and I strive to better myself, yet I still sometimes struggle with my self worth in this regard. Like JessSea said, it's the norm in most cultures in the world to live at home until marriage. This expectation that you have to be independent by 18 or whatever is largely a western cultural thing, especially if you're a man. I know women have their own societal pressure of being expected to look or dress a certain way and that is wrong. But being expected to be independent and successful is the male equivalent. In our culture, lots of women don't take kindly to a guy who is still living at home past a certain age. Which is why I'm so hesitant to date now because I feel like women will judge me for my situation, regardless of my reasons. There is a stigma that if you're still living at home past a certain age, chances are he's a loser. Some people just dont understand how hard it is to find a job at all, let alone a decent paying one especially in this economy.

 

Believe me, it's my desire to one day be able to financially support a family, it just may not be happening for a while. I don't think people should be judged by their situation, but rather by their attitude of their situation. Of course, no one wants a lazy person who just freeloads off of their parents. But if I'm working hard to better myself, I would hope that would be good enough for any potential girl I date. The fact is, life throws curve balls at you. You can be successful one moment then lose it all in another. I think every girl hopes her man would still stand by her after her looks fade. In the same way, every guy hopes his woman will still stand by him if he lost his job. Because if she can't then that's not a woman I want to date, let alone marry.

 

I would never judge a girl who was still living at home no matter how old she is as long as she was active in doing something with her life. I wouldn't dream of turning an otherwise amazing girl who happened to be have been dealt a bad hand.

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Of course, no one wants a lazy person who just freeloads off of their parents. But if I'm working hard to better myself, I would hope that would be good enough for any potential girl I date. The fact is, life throws curve balls at you. You can be successful one moment then lose it all in another. I think every girl hopes her man would still stand by her after her looks fade. In the same way, every guy hopes his woman will still stand by him if he lost his job. Because if she can't then that's not a woman I want to date, let alone marry.

 

 

That was exactly the point that I was trying to make.  If you are actively looking for work or bettering yourself, then that's great!  I would have no problem with that.  Life doesn't always work out as you had planned.  My brother lost his job this summer right before he got married, but was fortunate enough to be offered another position.  

 

My own father was the one who took care of me most days (for a few years) while mom went to work since he had lost his job. That's probably why he and I are so close.  And he is the strongest man I know.  

 

I would hope that women (or men) would understand how difficult finding a new job that pays all the bills can be.  Or see that he (or she) is putting aside their needs in order to care for an ailing parent, grandparent, sibling, etc and is needed at home.  

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I would hope that women (or men) would understand how difficult finding a new job that pays all the bills can be. 

 

 

I don't fall for the "I can't afford to live on my own."  When you DON'T have a home, you find a way. 

For Vince who didn't have a job for 3 years, if you had no one to live with, I guarantee you wouldn't have been unemployed for that long.  You stayed unemployed in part because you could.  Saving for a house is cool in a financial sense.  Moving out and paying rent makes a person more datable.  Depends on one's goals.

 

I heard a 35 year old man who is interested in me say he lives with his mom because "Its too expensive to live on his own" and he is "close to his mom" and he has always lived with his mom.  I'm thinking that is just not reason enough to live at home.  Its not that I mind or care that he lives at home.  Its that I can't date him because he has not demonstrated that he could be reliable in a future relationship.  What if we marry and we have hardships?  Will he work his butt off to figure something out for his family or will we be moving in with his mom? If he can't provide for himself, how can he provide for someone else? Will he always have a sap story whenever something gets hard?  Will he always have some excuse?  If he looses his job, will he just stay depressed on my couch?  Life happens.  Hardships happen.  You got to be tough.  I moved out when I was 20 years old paying rent off minimum wage and paid for my own college.  Now I've been a single mom for the last 6 years.  How am I compatible with someone who freeloads?  I am way too tough for that.  I need someone I can trust when hard times come.  Of course they all say they are trustworthy.  Then show me.

I completely respect a person who lives at home but is also financially contributing or actively planning on more independence.  I think a person should plan for their independence starting at 18.  That way they can go to school, they can save, whatever they need to do, but the ultimate goal is ALWAYS to be a contributing, responsible, independent adult.  They should ALWAYS have a plan and be updating the plan as needed.  There's even room in that to fall and get back up again.  That's why I have little leniency with 35 year old men still at home with petty excuses such as "I'm moving out soon but its just hard".  They were supposed to be working on that the last 17 years.

There are many good reasons for staying at home a little longer than desirable as many people have mentioned in this thread.  But there sure are some bad excuses too. 

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I think as others have said above is partly a cultural issue and definitely a financial one.

As many former "independent" young adults moved back home during and while we're still recovering from the economic downturn.

For me I'll share my personal experience on this topic as a couple others have above.

Well I moved out the very first time at the age 19, and definitely enjoyed living on my own.

Not for the reasons most college-aged guys do,though. Because the party scene wasn't for me, I simply enjoyed the space.

Not to go through my entire life story, as I'm sure it's posted in bits and pieces all over this forum anyhow.

In a strange twist of events though, ...

My mom moved in with me for a while.

As I have a second bedroom and she was getting older and needed a place to live.

Was it strange, a bit.

Did I charge my mom rent, no way!

Just a sweet potato pie every now and again, that's ask the payment I "required".

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I think the best we can say is that none of us has all the answers to life. We can know what we feel is right for us, but we can't pretend to know what someone else is thinking, or what they would have done in different circumstances. We can't know how things would turn out under different circumstances. We can only know how things ARE. We also can't know for certain what we would do in any given situation unless it has happened to us already, and we can't know how others would react in the same situation. I would never assume that a man/woman who lives with his parents (or other family members) is lazy, or taking advantage of a situation... in fact, I wouldn't just assume that even if they WEREN'T working a regular job. Not until I got to know them. Sure, some people do that, but sometimes they are just doing the best they can. Which, and I can't speak for the rest of you, I was taught to do. Do the best you can do, and be the best person you know how to be and never judge people until you get to know them. That's what I was taught.

 

I think this is like anything else when finding out if someone might be the right person for you. It's either something you can accept, or you can't. If this is the only thing about him that you see as a flaw (or major flaw), give it a lot of thought before giving up. Simply because what if you decide that it's a deal breaker and then... A. He changes his mind and goes out onto his own (in full... getting his own place, paying for everything, etc), and then he's the kind of guy you'd go out with because you can live with his other flaws, but he won't give you the time of day because you couldn't live with one thing about him... and it not like it's that he was rude or mean to people? Or B. He (after you have left him because of this) meets someone who CAN live with it because, even with all of his other flaws, he is a wonderful man. He marries her, builds a life with her. All because what he really wanted was to just not have to feel loneliness in a world that's so easy to feel lonely in, and his family gave him something to come home to? Maybe they give him his reasons for keeping on.

 

All I'm saying is give it a lot of thought. There could be so much more to the story. Maybe not, but if you don't take time to find out, how will you know? IF you really like him, and this is the only major thing that's taken you aback, take the time to really get to know him. Ask him a lot of questions. Let him ask you a lot of questions. It's like anything else in life, just think it through. If you believe in God, do a lot of praying. No matter what you decide it's ok, because you have to do what is right for YOU (and your kid, of course :) ). It just seems like you're asking what others think, which makes me think that you are still looking for answers yourself. Just trying to help.

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 They were supposed to be working on that the last 17 years.

There are many good reasons for staying at home a little longer than desirable as many people have mentioned in this thread.  But there sure are some bad excuses too. 

I think it's important to remember here that every nuclear family unit is set up differently. You keep mentioning "excuses," but the thing is that no one needs to explain themselves to you or anyone else. I think it is really messed up of Western culture that people need to explain their family situation to others. As if there is something wrong with their family?! No, no. I'm sorry but this sounds horribly condescending. There is no reason to judge or put down someone just because they live differently than you do. 

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I'm 33 and I still live at home. There are a lot of multigenerational homes these days. My grandmother lived with us for six years until she died and my brother is back home after boomeranging about 4 times. I moved out to live with him for a year and when that didn't work I came back home. My sister moved in with friends during college but that arrangement didn't last and she's now married after living with us for several more years after college. Everyone is different, but my parents don't charge us rent because they know we can't afford it. However, I do most of the cooking, I help keep the house clean, I don't accept a dime from them for anything and I'm there for them whenever they need anything. My brother, same thing: he does his own laundry, helps out with the yardwork and any time they need it, he fixes my mom's car.They like having us around and if truth be told, the only reason I'd want to move out is if I got married. I don't want to live with roommates and I know that living alone would get too lonely. I do want a better-paying job, and I think it's a good point that perhaps the reason I haven't done what's needed to get better financially is because I haven't been forced to by circumstances. I agree wholeheartedly that planning for the future is important. My parents won't be around forever, and living situations can change in the blink of an eye. I'd still be reticent to jump to conclusions about anyone in a "questionable" living arrangement.

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Sorry, but living with parents is a great savings of money. Why live on your own and waste money just to do it? Living with them isnt freeloading as long as you're working.

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For me, at least, living alone has immense psychological benefits that outweigh the drawback of not being able to save as much money. I think the question of whether living alone or not is important might be an indicator of emotional/intellectual compatibility. 

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I don't fall for the "I can't afford to live on my own."  When you DON'T have a home, you find a way. 

For Vince who didn't have a job for 3 years, if you had no one to live with, I guarantee you wouldn't have been unemployed for that long.  You stayed unemployed in part because you could.  Saving for a house is cool in a financial sense.  Moving out and paying rent makes a person more datable.  Depends on one's goals.

 

I heard a 35 year old man who is interested in me say he lives with his mom because "Its too expensive to live on his own" and he is "close to his mom" and he has always lived with his mom.  I'm thinking that is just not reason enough to live at home.  Its not that I mind or care that he lives at home.  Its that I can't date him because he has not demonstrated that he could be reliable in a future relationship.  What if we marry and we have hardships?  Will he work his butt off to figure something out for his family or will we be moving in with his mom? If he can't provide for himself, how can he provide for someone else? Will he always have a sap story whenever something gets hard?  Will he always have some excuse?  If he looses his job, will he just stay depressed on my couch?  Life happens.  Hardships happen.  You got to be tough.  I moved out when I was 20 years old paying rent off minimum wage and paid for my own college.  Now I've been a single mom for the last 6 years.  How am I compatible with someone who freeloads?  I am way too tough for that.  I need someone I can trust when hard times come.  Of course they all say they are trustworthy.  Then show me.

I completely respect a person who lives at home but is also financially contributing or actively planning on more independence.  I think a person should plan for their independence starting at 18.  That way they can go to school, they can save, whatever they need to do, but the ultimate goal is ALWAYS to be a contributing, responsible, independent adult.  They should ALWAYS have a plan and be updating the plan as needed.  There's even room in that to fall and get back up again.  That's why I have little leniency with 35 year old men still at home with petty excuses such as "I'm moving out soon but its just hard".  They were supposed to be working on that the last 17 years.

There are many good reasons for staying at home a little longer than desirable as many people have mentioned in this thread.  But there sure are some bad excuses too. 

 

You shouldn't project your experience of overcoming and then make shaming blanket statements to others who don't have the same success as you. I agree that we should always be building up our future and it's admirable that you are making something of yourself despite many hardships. But to look down on someone who has a different view of family than you do is simply narrowminded and arrogant. Maybe he is lazy or lacking of ambition, maybe he isn't. You didn't really specify. But just because he says, "he can't afford to live alone" or "he's close to his mom" doesn't automatically mean he's making excuses for laziness. Remember, you're looking at his life through the lens of 21st century Western woman. It's expected here to be apart from the family by early adulthood. That is a relatively recent cultural norm that began only about a couple hundred years ago. Historically, and still true in many cultures, it was normal to live with the family until marriage or even after marriage. Why? Because they believe in being close to the family.

 

And if you're going to shame him for saying "it's too expensive to live alone," then you might as well shame every homeless person and tell them they're just making excuses for not having a home or they're not trying hard enough. Yes, some of them are lazy, but many just don't have the opportunity or the resources to get out of their situation. 

 

If this guy's lifestyle is not what you're looking for in a man, that's fine. By all means move on and find someone else who is what you're looking for. But don't go around acting like he's beneath you just because he lives differently than you.

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She never once said that this guy was beneath her. However, she has valid concerns. She has children, she needs a man who can help her when times are tough.

What I'm about to say has nothing to do with you Vince but I do agree that sometimes the security of their parents home allows for some people to not push for the next best thing. They have enough money to pay for their car and phone, so why waste their extra money on rent when they can vacation or buy the next best technology.

I've met a few young men who have flat out told me they live at home to avoid rent... I just can't understand that.

 

Yeah that's true. I also know people like that who lives at home just so they can save up on trivial things. That's not the point. My point is that we shouldn't make rash generalizations just because some people live irresponsibly. Some other people have genuine struggles and are actively trying to get back on their feet.

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No made rash generalizations!

 

 

I don't fall for the "I can't afford to live on my own."  When you DON'T have a home, you find a way. 

For Vince who didn't have a job for 3 years, if you had no one to live with, I guarantee you wouldn't have been unemployed for that long.  You stayed unemployed in part because you could.  Saving for a house is cool in a financial sense.  Moving out and paying rent makes a person more datable.  Depends on one's goals.

 

I heard a 35 year old man who is interested in me say he lives with his mom because "Its too expensive to live on his own" and he is "close to his mom" and he has always lived with his mom.  I'm thinking that is just not reason enough to live at home.  Its not that I mind or care that he lives at home.  Its that I can't date him because he has not demonstrated that he could be reliable in a future relationship.  What if we marry and we have hardships?  Will he work his butt off to figure something out for his family or will we be moving in with his mom? If he can't provide for himself, how can he provide for someone else? Will he always have a sap story whenever something gets hard?  Will he always have some excuse?  If he looses his job, will he just stay depressed on my couch?  Life happens.  Hardships happen.  You got to be tough.  I moved out when I was 20 years old paying rent off minimum wage and paid for my own college.  Now I've been a single mom for the last 6 years.  How am I compatible with someone who freeloads?  I am way too tough for that.  I need someone I can trust when hard times come.  Of course they all say they are trustworthy.  Then show me.

I completely respect a person who lives at home but is also financially contributing or actively planning on more independence.  I think a person should plan for their independence starting at 18.  That way they can go to school, they can save, whatever they need to do, but the ultimate goal is ALWAYS to be a contributing, responsible, independent adult.  They should ALWAYS have a plan and be updating the plan as needed.  There's even room in that to fall and get back up again.  That's why I have little leniency with 35 year old men still at home with petty excuses such as "I'm moving out soon but its just hard".  They were supposed to be working on that the last 17 years.

There are many good reasons for staying at home a little longer than desirable as many people have mentioned in this thread.  But there sure are some bad excuses too. 

 

 

I don't know if you're not paying attention or you're just trying to pick a fight. Whatever the reason, I'm done with this thread.

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I'm a college student who stays at home, and the choice to stay home is actually more financially beneficial for my parents. 

*high 5* I have to travel so far to Uni but it's still way cheaper than living in a dorm or apartment. Renting a place near my university is in the thousands per month!

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You shouldn't project your experience of overcoming and then make shaming blanket statements to others who don't have the same success as you.

When I wrote that comment of mine, I was mad about something personal.  My concerns are valid, even though biased.

 

 

And if you're going to shame him for saying "it's too expensive to live alone," then you might as well shame every homeless person and tell them they're just making excuses for not having a home or they're not trying hard enough.

 

Yes, I probably would.  I also note here that your definition of "shame" is quite different than mine. 

 

I would also give them suggestions and point them towards resources if they were open to it.  Sometimes the only thing that is missing in success is the spirit of perseverance.

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Living at home as an adult is fine as long they are all working toward a common goal (going to college, etc) and if all members of the family are happy with the arrangement.  

My personal parenting philosophy is to teach self-sufficiency.  I would gain ultimate satisfaction if my child grew into adulthood knowing strategies to keep herself safe, pay her bills, and reach goals.  That way, as a parent, I won't worry about her too much when she leaves the home (especially when she goes away to college) knowing she will be alright.  But, I would always welcome her home too. 

 

For the dating field, I would want a man who was capable of complete self-sufficiency to view him as dating material.

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Each to their own, I say. Some people are happiest living their lives in their monastery, or in a tour bus with their band. Some people enjoy living in a boat house, on a mountain or in the middle of the wilderness. Some married couples live at home with their parents and grandparents, and use the money they save to buy properties and rent those properties out. If you're moving in with someone you've been dating, you should find out where you both plan to live together, but before that I'm not sure it matters.

If the person I love wants me to buy a place for us in their remote mountain village, we'd better have an easy way for my mum and bro to reach us from time to time :P omg imagine a blimp-house... High-maintenance though... LOL "High" maintenance, blimp. 

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