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lime

"Every relationship is based on lies in the beginning?"

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So...I just reconnected with an old ex, after spending a long time without any contact. Somewhere along the lines of catching up, I discovered that she lied about the amount of sexual partners she had when I asked her about it, before we started dating. At the time, she knew I was waiting and that I was already jealous of another significant other in her past, and so she said it to avoid conflict.

 

I wasn't extremely upset when I found out, because the last time I dated her was years ago and it never became serious. I also can understand where she was coming from, honestly. Still, it did hurt a little to know I was lied to and I told her I wished she had just told me the truth, even if it would've stopped me from dating her.

 

To which she responded, "Every single relationship is based on lies in the beginning. Every single one." I wasn't really sure how to respond, or what to make of it...

 

What do you think? I've been in relationships before, but never anything that lasted more than a few months so it makes me wonder if there were other lies I've lived through and would've found out had those relationships grew more. Can anyone relate? Is she right?

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That's sad. And she is wrong.

It really just shows how she starts relationships. What she was really saying was "Every single relationship of mine has been based on lies in the beginning. Every single one."

I wouldn't worry about others having lied to you.Don't let someone's twisted view on telling lies take away your ability to trust people (within reason, of course)

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There are honest people and there are liars. Unfortunately, we have to figure out which ones are which. I try to keep the good people in my life because the bad can be toxic.

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Lime (gosh, I love the name!), I've started seeing someone, started a couple weeks ago. It's wonderful, and I can tell you there have been no lies.

 

I'm not a "guy", so I don't try to be - I'm soft, sarcastic, sweet, sensitive, and I don't try to be otherwise. And she's admitted a lot to me, she's very honest about who she is.

 

We're both waiters, but she is not strictly speaking a "virgin". She told me she got involved with the wrong person once, and regretted it immediately, then stuck truer to her value of waiting. See, she could have lied to me, or not said anything. But she told me all.

 

I think we can reword this girl's original statement but substituting "every relationship" with "every [unhealthy] relationship." There is a difference between not telling everything, and lying.  It's understandable to not spill everything early on in a relationship, but lying suggests she is insecure and/or manipulative.

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If there feels like need to lie for the other person to accept you, there's some pretty big confidence and self-esteem issues going on right there.

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The problem is that eventually you won't be able to remember all the lies that were told and the truth will come out.  

 

I think we can reword this girl's original statement but substituting "every relationship" with "every [unhealthy] relationship." There is a difference between not telling everything, and lying.  It's understandable to not spill everything early on in a relationship, but lying suggests she is insecure and/or manipulative.

 

If you want a true, healthy, mature relationship, there will be no lies.  Like Paul said, there is a difference between not spilling your soul on the first date and lying.  

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I think that a lot of times you probably don't tell the person you are dating the whole truth, but the truth nonetheless. I mean, there are personal things I wouldn't tell someone until after I know I can trust them and I think for a lot of people this is the case. I also think that a lot of people try to put their best foot forward when the relationship is just starting, but to flat out lie is a different story and I don't think she is right about that... at least I hope she isn't.

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Thanks for the replies, everyone. It's reassuring...I was beginning to think I might be too naive haha. And Paul, I can only hope to have a relationship like yours! I wish you two the best.

Regarding the lie itself, truthfully I don't think I would've dated her then had I known the truth. So if she liked me that much I can bring myself to forgive her for it, even though I still disagree with it. Fortunetly, in the years since I've grown to a point where a woman's past does not bother me so much, but even so a couple other revelations regarding what she's been up to since we departed tells me we have waay different views about sex lol and it probably would've never worked out... Everything happens for a reason, huh?

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