Dave1985

Seriously Ladies - How Hard Is Waiting?

19 posts in this topic

I highly respect all of you ladies for waiting. One of the reasons I came to this site was to convince myself that some female waiters still exist.

 

One of my biggest concerns, though is this: I have heard all of my life, from many married guys, that their wives rarely want to have sex. I had always just assumed that women didn't have any form of a sex drive. I didn't find out that was incorrect until I went to college and discovered that ALL of the women that I knew were having sex. A few times women asked me to, but I turned them down for my religious reasons.

 

But continuing to hear about sexless marriages from so many sources left me depressed and hopeless. I had always had some level of sadness or depression about women because so many of them liked to make fun of me because they didn't understand the fact that I'd had OCD from a very young age. I was always being called crazy because none of them could understand it. Even the female teachers, sometimes made fun of me. And the female guidance counsellor lied to trick my parents into signing me into a mental hospital in the 7th grade. Granted, it was a lie, and because I wasn't forced by a judge, I could still pass a background check (which I am extremely thankful for).

 

But after all of this betrayal, and disrespectful behavior from so many women, I lost all hope that any of them could ever love me for who I am. After hearing for so long about the sexless marriages, I thought God had put me into a Catch-22; if I was unmarried, my religious beliefs would prevent me from having sex. If I was married, my wife would prevent me from having sex.

 

Combining all of this with the high divorce rate, and the fact that I can't get divorced and remarried, had left me depressed and hopeless.

 

All I ever really wanted was:

1) A practicing Catholic virgin

2) That would frequently have sex with her husband using Natural Family Planning

3) Would not file for divorce

4) Could love me for who I am.

 

Seems so unlikely to find ANY of that. I just want hope. So how hard is it to wait?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you Stacie. Hope I didn't come off as disrespectful in my post. I give all of you waiters all the respect in the world.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No disrespect!  You're a real human being just like the rest of us!  My previous post is what I have truly learned in my wait.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am in consensus with Stacie, waiting is definatly not a cake walk and takes a lot of self control, and that is why everyone does not wait and the ones that do are far and few between.

But having hope that The Lord has a special woman picked out just for you can be very incouraging :D

If you are afraid of divorce, I have two pieces of advise I was told:

1. Choose wisely.

Sadly a lot of people jump into marrage without fully knowing who they are marring or overlook shortcomings expecting that they will change. Very rarely anyone changes, so when you are concidering a woman as your match, what you see is what you get. Do not expect change.

2. Treat kindly.

Now that you have the most wonderful woman in your life, treat her kindly and it won't fail :)

P.s. She will also be super sweet back ;)

As for the sexless part that you mentioned, not all marriages are like that. Statistics actually say it is the opposite. Single guys get less and not as frequent sex, where as the married man has it more often and regularly :)

Choose wisely and all will be good!

Hope this helped you :) God bless

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're putting the cart ahead of the horse. Honestly, your fears can be avoided by being careful with who you choose to marry.

 

In regards to the "sexless" part, when I see men complaining online about their "sexless" marriages, often (not always) it becomes clear the problem is them and not their wives. The complaints tend to pop up after they have kids, because the men expect sex to be as frequent as it was prior to kids. I read one guy's description of his "sexless" marriage a few months ago, and eventually it came out that his wife had given birth just two months prior. Um... that's not a sexless marriage. That's a woman recovering from pregnancy and childbirth while breastfeeding and changing diapers 24/7.

 

Furthermore, sex drive varies considerably from person to person, and it can change during a person's life. One sex drive is not better or worse than another. For a long time our society has coded the male sex drive, which is on average higher than the female sex drive, as "normal" and the female sex drive as "low." Unless there are medical issues causing a low libido, which can be treated, a person's sex drive is normal, period.

 

So if one person in the marriage is happy having sex once a month, and the other person wants it every day, the person who wants it more will characterize that marriage as "sexless," even though the problem stems from incompatible libidos.

 

It can be difficult to gauge your sex drive when you're celibate, especially if you think masturbation is a sin. My husband and I figured out approximately our respective sex drives based on how often we felt like masturbating.

 

A big part of preventing a "sexless" marriage is discussing sex very frankly well before an engagement. You don't want to find out during your honeymoon that your spouse only wants sex once a month, if you want it every day.

 

Very thorough premarital counseling--which I recommend BEFORE formal engagement, because it's easier to break up as bf & gf than to call off a wedding--can also lessen the chances of divorce. My husband and I did an online course because we didn't like any of the local options for counselors/therapists/etc. We covered:

 

  • sex frequency (how often was our ideal? how infrequently could we accept? what sort of medical issues would prevent sex? how did we feel about alternatives to coitus if one of us was really opposed to coitus at the moment? etc)
  • intimacy needs (what do we each need to want to have sex? what sort of nonsexual intimacy is necessary? how often do we each need the other to initiate? etc)
  • finances (how much do we save? children's college funds? charitable giving? budgeting? what splurges do we prioritize? etc)
  • children (how many? how spaced apart? natural vs. adoption? what kind of schooling? SAHP/daycare/nanny/other? extent of grandparent role, etc)
  • where we'd like to live (this was my only ultimatum, that eventually we needed to live halfway between our families, because as a kid I grew up barely knowing my mom's family, and it really negatively affected me)
  • our parents in old age (will they move in with us? will we move to take care of them? etc)

Premarital counseling is great because too many couples think you can stop with "how many kids should we have?" and "how often should we have sex?"

 

I know this is all over the place. I wrote it in between doing work stuff. :)

 

tl;dr Calm down. You'll be fine!

7 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't talk about my sex drive to just anyone. I'll talk about sex, in general, but I don't talk about my drive, or personal fantasy, or what I want when I'm married... that part is too personal, and I feel should only be discussed with someone I am VERY serious about. I will say this, though. I think it would be much more difficult for me, than it is, if I had guys beating down my door. I'd still wait, but it would be much more difficult.

 

As for the rest... how you feel about women, etc. All I can say is not to generalize too much. Okay? Every person is different, but it is VERY easy to take a few bad experiences and start to think the whole lot of them is the same. (You'll probably see me say this more than once, or if you ever read any other post I respond to. :) ) People vary, we are all similar in some ways and different in some ways, but none of use are exactly like the next person. The best way to know about a person, as the individual that they are, is to communicate (at length, especially in a romantic relationship) with them. Communication is a beautiful thing, sometimes we learn about others, other times it teaches us more about ourselves (or they themselves... you get what I'm saying, right?)

 

As for your OCD, which I have seen you mention a couple of times on here... I will say two things... 1. If it's severe (like it takes over your life, or you get angry at people who don't do/say things the way YOU think they should) and you get help, that's the important part and very awesome. 2. If it's not severe, like mine, and you fight it yourself by finding ways to live with it (even if something drives you a bit crazy or you have to give in on occasion), and realize that others may not be as fastidious as yourself... (for me, I know there will probably come a day when I'll need more help than I can do myself)... then don't worry so much, someone out there will be understanding. :) You're a religious person. So, also, remember, that God has a plan. He knows what He's doing.

 

I do hope I made some sense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I am getting help and taking meds. But it is still not easy.

 

I understand that everybody is different. I am doing my best, and looking for advice and friendship. Which is why I am here. I think that what I really need is a few female friends with similar viewpoints on waiting and marriage. I really appreciate the all the help you can give me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wasn't trying to be mean. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I was just saying that, if you're helping yourself by getting help, I'm glad for you. You're doing something about it, and there may be some girl out there will see it and understand that it seems to be a very important part of who you are... and she'll love you, in spite of it. That's what true love is. My mom has always told me there were 3 type of love... 'if you', 'because you', 'in spite of'. The first two are not real loves... 'in spite of' is the one we long for. It's the truest sense of love. It means that you see someones flaws (and they see yours) and you love each other, and want to treat each other with care, anyway. There's more to love, of course. I think it's even a little different for everyone. Finding some female friends with similar views shouldn't be hard to find here. :)

 

Sorry. That was a little longer than I intended. I guess I could have just said 'sorry if I said something the wrong way'. :) I'm not exactly known for my short responses, but I'm working on it. lol

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think for anybody waiting there is a big part of us that really wants to wait for whichever reason brought us to that choice, but then there is always that part that is tired of waiting and wants to push the boundaries. Its a constant struggle to stick to our ideals, especially when you are in a relationship and want to show affection.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think we all want this lol, but I do understand your fears. Don't worry, they are out there! As for the lack of sex in marriage, I have heard this as well. I don't think it is because women "don't want sex" but from what I understand sex gets stale, that is, it can get old. But I only hear this from people who have been doing it all and for a long time, so in a lot of ways waiting will should actually help prevent this. But that is just my understanding of it from what people tell me. I am sure that there are women out there who do not enjoy sex, but I don't think it is an absolute in any way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As far as I have seen, it's a lot harder for women. On average, men are a lot more forceful and desperate in their pursuit of sex. All the ladies on here are something special to have managed to wait.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As far as I have seen, it's a lot harder for women. On average, men are a lot more forceful and desperate in their pursuit of sex. All the ladies on here are something special to have managed to wait.

I agree that a woman who waits has a different perspective than a man.  I wasn't always waiting.  And so many guys were always insinuating that they wanted more.  It was just a matter of time.  I thought that's how the world worked because that's what life had shown me.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Waiting isn't that hard for me. It's not hard at all. Probably because I'm so busy and focused. I don't have time for relationships or marriage. Usually there's a reason for a sexless marriage. It could be anything including some of the points listed above.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It was much easier to wait when I was younger, and gets harder as the years go on. Not something I would have expected, but I guess I also expected to be married by this time!

 

Don't lose hope, Dave1985. I don't believe in much of the sexless marriage hype. I know too many examples of marriage that prove it wrong. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Very thorough premarital counseling--which I recommend BEFORE formal engagement, because it's easier to break up as bf & gf than to call off a wedding--can also lessen the chances of divorce. My husband and I did an online course because we didn't like any of the local options for counselors/therapists/etc.

 

Would you mind sharing the name of the course, please?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you google Marriage 101, it's one of the top results. We bought the full kit with the video sessions, workbooks, relationship quiz, family background sheets, and books.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now