NoName

Is it fair?

17 posts in this topic

I'm a guy. When I was a kid I was taken advantage of by another guy in my neighborhood. I'm not gay. I have had confused moments when I wondered if I was because of what happened. I was too young to know anything about sex. he was older than me and sexually active. I thought I could trust him because my parents knew his parents and we were at my house. I never told anybody about this. The first person to read this is the first person who will have ever heard it from me. I was wondering if I can still wait until marriage, and if it would be mean to want a wife who is waiting until marriage as well. Also would a woman ever be accepting to me after I've done what I have. I have become a Christian again since then.

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Of course you can still wait, and of course a woman would still accept you. Anyone who would blame the victim of a sexual assault probably isn't an ideal life partner anyway. But being abused as a young child does not mean you made an active choice not to wait--any reasonable person would see that.

Even if you had, I think you'd find that lots of people even on this site find it more important that it's the choice you make now and that those are your values.

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I am so sorry that such a sick, diabolical person had done this to you! I am a woman, but I would still go over there and beat the living snot of of that scum-bag!!

On a higher note, it is wonderful that you have found The Lord God Almightly. He heals all wounds, and I will pray that He heals you for what that person did.

To answer your question about if you are still able to wait til marriage. Waiting until marriage isn't about being a virgin, but about what YOU believe sex to be. If you believe sex to be something very special to you that you want to share with your future spouse after you are married, then do that! If you do not believe in that, then that is ok too, because it is YOUR choice.

I can tell you one thing for sure, if you are choosing to be a WTM(waiting til marrage) person, you have come to the right place. We are all a community to help one an other with the struggle of WTM or other of life's troubles.

I hope this helps you, God bless!!!

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Of course you can wait. If a woman is unable to accept that you were a victim and taken advantage of, then she doesn't know your worth. You are a survivor and worthy of love.

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You were NOT responsible for what happened. You were a victim who was taken advantage of by a vile and deviant insect. I am deeply sorry that happened to you. No one should ever experience something so horrific, especially as a child. But rest assured you can always wait till marriage, even if you intentionally had sex (which in this case you did not). You always have the choice to wait for your future wife and if she is the right one, she wouldn't even have to ponder whether to accept you because she will see the purity in your heart. If she doesn't, then she's not worth your time.

 

You are innocent of all this and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

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Thank you all for your support. I have always been afraid to admit what happened because I thought people would blame me. Now I know that it wasn't my fault. I'm glad God showed me this site. Thanks again.

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Hey NoName,

 

I can only imagine how hard it was for you to type that out. I second everything that the others have said. I'm so sorry about what you went through, and have been going through all this time.

 

The right woman is out there, and you have every right to want a woman who has waited for you, just as you are waiting for her. In that, there would be no difference between you two. And I don't think you should be afraid to tell her, when you are ready. I have had something similar told to me by a friend, and it in no way made me think less of them. My heart broke for them. A woman who truly cares for you will not be able to do otherwise. 

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Dear NoName, I know exactly how you feel. What you wrote could have been written by me, except replacing 'guy' with 'girl'. I've had years of confusion in my teens because I felt ashamed and I didn't know how to handle my experiences and I didn't know what they meant. I've come to a point where I think I can look at it more from a distance and accept what happened as part of my past while not letting it determine who I am or who I want to be. What happened to you is in no way acceptable and puts an immense burden on a young soul.

But here comes the key point: It was not your fault!! When a child trusts another person fully, there is not much physical force needed to get it to engage in things it might not understand and which are not good for it. It needs just a bit of psychology to get a child to engage in stuff when it fully trusts the person who asks of it. You also said something very important: you were too young to know anything of sex. So in no way can you be blamed for what happened. You were taken advantage of.

Now to answer your questions: Of course you can WTM! What has happened to you has nothing to do with your adult conscious choices. (In any way, even people who used to have sex can decide to change their lifestyle and wait.)
I agree with the above commenters: You absolutely deserve to have a woman who waits for you as you wait for her. I am sure you will find a woman who understands and who loves you and accepts you fully (as I am sure I will one day find a man like that ^^).

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Hi NoName,

  I can relate with your story. I was also taken advantage of by a man ( this occurred in my teens) and experienced similar thoughts. For example, I know I have asked myself the same question that you asked yourself: Will a woman love me given this past experience? At first I did feel negative about it. I felt that I was unlovable because of what I did experience. I was experiencing a lack of self-worth: I felt ashamed and guilty. It took a long time for me to step back from my abuse experience and evaluate it from a distance: to realize that the abuse wasn't my fault and to be comfortable with what I was experiencing inside. I don't mean to be a broken record here but I also believe that what you experienced wasn't your fault. Your experience is something that happened to you and doesn't determine who you are or what you will become. 

 

To answer your questions, I do believe you can wait till marriage and I don't think it is mean to want a wife who is waiting till marriage. If you look around on the forums, you will find people that share this ideal (wanting a spouse who is waiting till marriage). 

 

I think you are courageous person for sharing your experience with us.  I know it also took me a while to share my experience with others because I possessed feelings of fear and worried if they would accept my story and ultimately accept who I am as a person.

 

You are a person of worth who deserves to be loved :)

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Some people on this site already know that I have been through sexual assault at a very young age. I can sympathize with you, and I'm really happy for you that you've found God. That aside, you can always make the decision to wait. If you decide that you'd like to find a girl who's also waiting, that's ok too. Just pray about her. I pray for my future mate. Whoever he is, wherever he is. Let God lead your heart and follow it with your actions. Just know that you are not alone. Not only have a few of us been through similar things as you, but most (if not everyone) here is very supportive and will talk to you and help you figure things out, whenever they can. This is a great place for you, for us, all of us.

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Thank you all for your support. I have always been afraid to admit what happened because I thought people would blame me. Now I know that it wasn't my fault. I'm glad God showed me this site. Thanks again.

Did you or do you get counseling? It's not your fault. It's never the victims fault and if a woman doesn't want you for you dump her and move on. It's not worth it. I hope you can heal from this. Yes you can wait for your special someone. I hope you can find happiness

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Thank you for wishing me happiness. Also the answer to your question is no. I have not told anyone face to face. The only time I have told anyone is on this site. I'm mostly over it myself. I'm just scared to tell people face to face. I want a wife eventually and I don't think it would be fair to her if I didn't tell her before we got married. I've gained a lot of courage in the past few days from all of the support. Thank you and everyone else for all of the support.

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Thank you minoo and slayerofdragon. I appreciate you both bringing up your past to make me feel better. I am mostly over my experience. I've accepted most of it. I'm upset that I will never be able to say it didn't happen truthfully. I can deny it all I want, however if I deny it, I don't get to move on. Thank you for the support.

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Sorry libs1979 for not including you in my last comment. Thank you for letting me know that you have gone though similar problems. It's very helpful to hear from others that have had the similar problems. Thank you for the support.

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Thank you minoo and slayerofdragon. I appreciate you both bringing up your past to make me feel better.

Hehe thanks for saying thanks xD To be honest, I never ever thought I would bring that up in 'public'. My mom knows about it and I recently told my brother and that was it. But then again it rarely (or never?) happens that you meet people with the same kind of experience, so I wanted to let you (and anyone else with that experience) know: You are not alone in this!  ^_^ And there's nothing wrong with you, you're just right and lovable the way you are.

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It's no problem. It is a terrible thing to have to go through, for anyone. Honestly, no one should have to go through what we've been through, but since such things do happen it help us to have support and to know we are not alone.

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Thank you minoo and slayerofdragon. I appreciate you both bringing up your past to make me feel better. 

You're welcome. I'm glad my post has helped you, :)

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