Invincible

If you remarried....

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Let's say you successfully waited in your first marriage then divorced for whatever reason or was widowed and decided to remarry. Would you feel guilty for not giving your virginity to your second spouse or would you not regret it one bit?

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If I were widowed, I definitely wouldn't feel guilty; in fact, I think I would feel incredibly lucky and honored to have been able to share myself with my first spouse in that way during our short time together.

 

Divorce would be a little bit more complicated. I might wish I had exercised better judgement about picking my spouse (I wouldn't divorce unless my spouse cheated, became abusive, or committed some kind of serious deception), but I don't think I'd feel *guilty* per se, since ultimately I would know that I had made the best decision possible with the knowledge I possessed at that time. And if I had kids with that person, I'm sure I wouldn't regret their existence no matter what my spouse did to me.

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Yeah, it's a tricky situation. I'd say regretting choice in partner is more the issue.  If you waited until marriage the first time, you still stayed true to your values. You typically expect to be with your spouse forever, but sometimes, poop happens, and I don't think you can blame yourself for not knowing what might be unpredictable.

 

What do you think, Vince?

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Depends.

If my second wife is a virgin and cares about having her first time with another virgin, then I would feel bad about it (don't know if guilty is the right word). I know that's it's important enough to me to be a dealbreaker for my first spouse, so I'd feel bad if it was important to her, even if it wasn't important enough to be a dealbreaker.

If she wasn't a virgin I wouldn't feel bad about it. Since she's had sex, we couldn't be each others' onlys anyway.

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Yeah, it's a tricky situation. I'd say regretting choice in partner is more the issue.  If you waited until marriage the first time, you still stayed true to your values. You typically expect to be with your spouse forever, but sometimes, poop happens, and I don't think you can blame yourself for not knowing what might be unpredictable.

 

What do you think, Vince?

 

I'd feel the same way as you. If it was divorce, I'd more regret my choice in a partner. But I think I would still feel some regret for not being my second wife's first because I think that naturally comes with regretting making the wrong choice the first time. In a way, I would feel like it was wasted on a marriage that didn't last. Maybe that's the wrong way to look at it, but that is how I'd honestly react. Especially if my second wife ended up being the right one and was gracious enough to marry me despite my baggage. I would feel like I shortchanged her somehow.

 

If I was widowed, I would definitely not regret it. Though I would probably struggle with reconciling the issue of committing myself to another woman while still having fond memories of my late first wife. Of course we should never forget what you and your first spouse had. It's a matter of being able to not let that affect your ability to love another fully as you once did their predecessor. I know there are many widows all the time who are to completely move on and are ready to love again. I'm just not sure I would be able to. But then again, life surprises you sometimes.

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I think the two issues Vince brought up are why, if my first marriage were ever to end, I'd want my next partner to be someone who had experienced something similar. I think in the situation of losing a spouse to death it would be most important, because a fellow widower would be able to understand the immense difficulties of trying to move on after losing your first 'forever' person. Even with divorce, though, I think marrying someone who had also been married before would help curtail any feelings of being 'shortchanged' on the second spouse's part.

 

Basically, a big part of why I believe in waiting in the first place is because I think relationships work best when both partners have the same level of experience (ideally, that same level being *no* experience the first time around). So if my first relationship were to end, I'd want to replicate that same idea in my subsequent relationships, even though the way that idea would end up manifesting would be pretty different the second time around.

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Huh, this actually happened to my dad. He was a virgin when he married his first wife, became a widower a few years later, and WTM with his current wife (my mother). In a situation like that, there's nothing at all to be guilty about. You stuck to your convictions and unfortunately life happened. If you remarry there's nothing at all wrong with that.

I think with divorce it's a bit trickier because the separation was a choice, as opposed to them passing.

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According to my parents people who aren't virgins are used. Nobody wants them. If a spouse dies, that spouse has to remain a widow forever because they're now used.

Again, nobody explained this to me when I was told about the whole purity and being used stuff. If a spouse dies or divorces and you meet a person whose a virgin and you're not what happens then? What if the other person thinks you're used now. I know this is not true. I don't think anyone prepares for a divorce or a spouses death. However things happen in life. I think for both I would grieve the loss of a spouse and the loss of a marriage. It would take me a long time to get over a spouses death but it might take me an ever longer time to get over a divorce. The person I marry is suppose to be my best friend and soul mate forever. But unfortunately I know life isn't a fairytale with a happily ever after. I probably would remain celibate. I would remarry if I found the one. I would never regret my marriage if I were to divorce because I married that person for a reason. Virginity is just one part of a person. I didn't marry that person for virginity, I married that person for love, which would hurt even more.

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According to my parents people who aren't virgins are used. Nobody wants them. If a spouse dies, that spouse has to remain a widow forever because they're now used.

 

Wow, I can't even imagine what it would be like to not only lose a spouse at a young age, but then feel like you have to be alone for the next 40-50 years of your life because you/your family think you're no better than a lollipop someone's already licked.  :(

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My parents both have ex-spouses. They both WTM for their first spouses. Their first spouses are the ones who called off the marriages. Neither of my parents wanted their divorces.

 

But it worked out in the end. This December my parents will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary.

 

Also, luckily enough, neither of my parents had kids with their exes, so I don't have any half-siblings.

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Wow, I can't even imagine what it would be like to not only lose a spouse at a young age, but then feel like you have to be alone for the next 40-50 years of your life because you/your family think you're no better than a lollipop someone's already licked. :(

More like a used piece of gum or a used tooth brush. That was my talk when I brought up this question growing up. I don't believe this at all. A person is a person. That's what my religious freak parents taught me that a person can't get remarried because nobody wants them, their special gift is gone.

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Golly sooooooooo many variables here.

Ok had the brains to wait for my wife sexually. Married,had children. Then she goes and dies on me. Aaaaah

For me in that position I would call it a day relationship wise. I would not look for another.

I would devote my time to my children, Hobbies and spend the rest of my time helping others in need and charities. Waiting of course when Its decided I should rejoin my love.

Back to the rocking chair.

Happy Tuesday. Col.

it's so darn cute how you always end your posts with ''back to my rocking chair''. you just seem so happy and peaceful all the time i love it lol

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More like a used piece of gum or a used tooth brush. That was my talk when I brought up this question growing up. I don't believe this at all. A person is a person. That's what my religious freak parents taught me that a person can't get remarried because nobody wants them, their special gift is gone.

that's soo crazy that your parents have that kind of narrow mindset and it's such an irresponsible thing to tell your kids. like why the hell would anyone tell their kids that?? lol what kinda screwed up message is that going to send?? it's just mind boggling.

a person has more to offer someone than just his/her virginity.

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