Honesty. Is it something you truly value from a woman?

[PG1 1,730]

I have been using a dating site for some time. I'm not exactly actively seeking something long term (but I wouldn't turn it down if God smacked me in the face with the idea), but I would like to meet some new people, go out on dates, and see if there's anything out there. I have talked to a few, seemingly nice, guys. Who have been patient. I'm planning on meeting at least one... maybe two... but, I am honest about who I am in my profile. Now, some may say I shouldn't share things like WTM, but I'd rather get it out of the way than be disappointed by their response later if I really ended up liking them, the same reason I tell them that I am a Christian... even though the first has very little to do with the second, in my case. Does honesty from a woman REALLY make you more interested, or does it scare you? Or, as a third option, does it depend on what they are honest about? How honest is too honest? Is a woman speaking her mind, or telling the truth, something you truly value?

 

I'm not sure I'm being completely clear, but I hope so. I'm actually not even sure if I should ask this, because I will probably always be honest. I don't think that's something I want to change. It's just that it has been on my mind a LOT lately because of a few things I have read.

[Queen 2,329]

I'm not a guy but really wanted to chime in!

I agree that you should absolutely share that you are WTM in your online profile.  There are SO MANY GUYS who it will weed out for you.  And, from experience, it is much more attractive from the start when they know you are WTM and they STILL ask you out. 

 

"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." Proverbs 24:6

 

Depends on the guy and his values!

[PG1 1,730]

Even though that's not really what I was talking about, I'll address your opinion on dating sites. I, myself, try them because I am shy and extremely quiet until I am use to a new situation/person/environment. The freedom that my computer screen gives me to be myself is why I do it. Often, shyness, timidness, introversion, come across as rude, unapproachable, snobby... etc etc... So, no, I don't get too many guys talking to me (unless they are drunk or mentally not all there or just plain crazy). Even if there are guys noticing me, they don't say anything to me. I don't find it easy to meet people, and I don't get out much because I don't do well around people.

 

Also, I think online dating has become very commonplace in today's world, in general, that most guys wouldn't think twice about how I might have found dates in the past. If they don't care that I'm a virgin and they're not getting any from me until we're married, why would they care about where I might have looked for dates in my past? I know there are creeps on these sites, but no more or less than are walking around ogling girls in person on the bus, or at the mall... etc etc.

 

Oh, and yes, I do see myself as an intelligent person. I think things through, and usually I can see more than one side to any given argument/subject. Thinking things through is why it took me so long to reply to your response. I had to think about it, pray about it, and then sit down and start typing. Also, if I could meet one of those chaps you are talking about, I don't think any of this would be a problem for me. lol

[ChristianMan72 480]

Honesty is absolutely essential, in my opinion.  Finding out that someone misled you can undo trust very quickly.  It is far harder to earn trust than to lose it.

 

However, there is such a thing as mystery.  Tell the important stuff, incl. WTM, and lead into with some other topics, but don't give it all away at once.  Leave some stuff for the guy to ask about.  Obviously, you need to find a balance, but I tend to not to tell all my experiences and stuff until people actually want to know.

 

And there are some topics that women don't realize are TMI for men until they are specifically interested in you, e.g. like some medical stuff.

 

I joined (and later left) a couple dating sites out of curiosity and tried to learn a bit about what women say they like and want in a guy/relationship, but I am too private to put my photo up... and that reduces response exponentially, at least for guys.

[PG1 1,730]

Honesty is absolutely essential, in my opinion.  Finding out that someone misled you can undo trust very quickly.  It is far harder to earn trust than to lose it.

 

However, there is such a thing as mystery.  Tell the important stuff, incl. WTM, and lead into with some other topics, but don't give it all away at once.  Leave some stuff for the guy to ask about.  Obviously, you need to find a balance, but I tend to not to tell all my experiences and stuff until people actually want to know.

 

And there are some topics that women don't realize are TMI for men until they are specifically interested in you, e.g. like some medical stuff.

 

I joined (and later left) a couple dating sites out of curiosity and tried to learn a bit about what women say they like and want in a guy/relationship, but I am too private to put my photo up... and that reduces response exponentially, at least for guys.

Thank you for your thoughtful answer.

 

I agree with finding the balance. That is sometimes difficult for me to do. I do have one question, though. The 'medical stuff' that you used as an example. Are you talking like female medical stuff? Or in general medical stuff? I tend not to share too personal of things, but there is one thing that I share with people because it could become obvious and, if they aren't warned ahead of time, can be kind of unnerving... I have seizures. The seriousness of them fluctuates, but I never know when I'm going to have one. So, I share that right away. Do you think that's ok? I do, but I'm curios about what others might think.

 

I also agree with the personal experiences. I tend to not share that stuff unless someone asks, or we get to talking and the subject sort of presents itself.

[ChristianMan72 480]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer.

 

I agree with finding the balance. That is sometimes difficult for me to do. I do have one question, though. The 'medical stuff' that you used as an example. Are you talking like female medical stuff? Or in general medical stuff? I tend not to share too personal of things, but there is one thing that I share with people because it could become obvious and, if they aren't warned ahead of time, can be kind of unnerving... I have seizures. The seriousness of them fluctuates, but I never know when I'm going to have one. So, I share that right away. Do you think that's ok? I do, but I'm curios about what others might think.

 

I also agree with the personal experiences. I tend to not share that stuff unless someone asks, or we get to talking and the subject sort of presents itself.

 

Emergency medical stuff, sure, especially if you present it as something you are trusting but not burdening them with.  Many men like to be caring and protective and sometimes even the hero.  It would be far better to tell them about it beforehand than try to explain after!  A proper, caring-type guy would not mind you telling him that.

 

I was thinking more of female medical stuff or idle discussions about past operations or procedures that are not highly relevant, but maybe that's just me.

[PG1 1,730]

I thought that might be what you meant. Just checking.

[PG1 1,730]

IRH thank you for your viewpoint on that particular subject of my post, and I respect that you feel differently than I do. We live in a world of third date sex (or sooner), and 'what's your magic number' talk. Most people assume (wrongly, yes, but they do) that, even if you don't give it up right away, they won't have to wait till marriage. Which is why I chose that example. My (and I respect that you feel differently) thought is that I'd rather they know up front, no surprises. Of all the ways my heart can be broken, I can prevent it from being this. I still get responses, that's not my concern. What my answer was, and why I was asking the men on the forum this, is honesty important to men. Is it really as important as they say. Here's why. I have had guys email me, but I knew it was just my picture... they didn't look at the 'about me' at all... So, I ask them to. I'd say about half never reply to me again. Also, I see how many look at my profile (which starts off with a headline and a picture) and the amount that actually respond to it, vs the amount that look at it, the shear discrepancy in number leads me to believe that it's the honesty in it that turns them off. I wanted to get some mens opinions on honesty as a general thing.

 

However, I would like to keep the topic off of WHEN to tell, so much as if HONESTY (as a whole) is really as important to men as they say it is. Maybe I used the wrong example. I apologize for that, but some men would like to know ahead of time. They might feel misled, or thrown completely off guard, if told later. That's why I used this example.

['tis the Bearded One 661]

Perhaps you (IRH) dont socialise in circles where sex is far more open and explicit a conversation piece. I generally am not aswell but i know it happens. Why shouldn't we go around saying I'm a virgin?! Except for maybe attracting some creep with the desire to deflower someone I think it is something which we can and should be proud of (and I am). It would help young ppl especially to combat the pressures of beginning pre-marrital sex and see the sexy respected capable people who are preserving themselves.

As for honesty it is absolutely something I'd value in a partner/person. And that extends not only to not speaking lies but also not misrepresenting. As such if someone acts like a sleaze but then further down the track pulls out the WTM card I would consider that dishonest and not on (not to mention increasing her rape risk). Honesty as a building block of trust is essential to a functional marriage BUT what I have more of an issue with is how honesty is expressed due to my sensitivity to criticism. This is somewhat of a tangent to your focus though. As for honesty about yourself - great! Keep it up if you dont feel it makes you too vulnerable to ppl you dont know. It weeds those out who were looking for other things that your 'about me' made clear you wouldnt be/cannot provide. Certainly the when is important as in TMI - if we shared our deepest darkest secrets or only certain things about ourselves then it can give a warped image of who we are and possibly unneededly repulse others. But otherwise a female who demonstrates she can and has spent time getting to know herself and self reflecting and knows what she values and is looking for in a partner indicates a depth of understanding and 'being' that is very attractive.

p.s. how old is too old to revive a thread? Some can get rather annoyed at it...

[Jasmine23 1,605]

p.s. how old is too old to revive a thread? Some can get rather annoyed at it...

Old is the new young haha Don't worry about annoyance. If you feel like you want to comment on ANY thread by all means do so. Some are great topics to revisit!

[Jasmine23 1,605]

I'll admit, I dislike dating sites but I have had two in the past and I was on two different sites and I put the exact same bio in it and I let it be known...."I'm a woman of Christian - Jewish faith, I'm Waiting Until Marriage and I intend to stay this way.....blah blah blah dittlyda...." I'm not saying to say all of that but I'm very strict on honesty. I'm just more straight forward than most.

Needless to say each site has two VERY different out comes but I got rid of both. I'd rather stay single for a while. Haha

[Zeke 268]

For me, honesty in a woman is an extremely attractive character trait, and the lack of it is somewhat of a turn-off.

 

But I caution myself not to link honesty with openness. E.g., whether or not you tell your potential significant other up front that you are waiting until marriage to have sex and why, has no baring on whether or not you are being honest. For many people, the details of such information is very intimate and close to them, and revealing that to someone whom they do not really know that well would be very difficult and make them feel very vulnerable.

 

So, assuming a person is not blatantly lying to your face, it seems your question is more deeply: Do you find open honesty attractive? In this sense, the answer is again "yes," because the two of us can come to an early understanding of each other on a moral level, and know rather quickly if our various values are compatible. After that understanding, the topic of whether or not we want to start (or continue) the romantic relationship can be addressed.

 

To avoid confusion: Just because I hold a great appreciation for open honesty, does not mean I find it any more attractive than reserved honesty. Honesty is honesty, and says a lot about a person even without words or explanation.

['tis the Bearded One 661]

Just as an anecdote to my previous post. For people not WTM I think they can easily hold the perspective that we are repressed sexual prudes (particularly when coupled with being religious) or perhaps victims to some psychological trauma. It might help to pre-empt that prejudice.