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Chris Loke

Dealing with Ambivalence [help]

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Hey all,

 

if anyone would be kind enough to read the rather long text that is about to follow, I really do need some advice on matters concerning ambivalence.

 

I'm a 20 year old male and just over two weeks ago, I met this girl, who is a year younger, at a rock concert. We happened to be next to each other and naturally I introduced myself to her, and from there, I managed to get her number after having drinks with her, her brother and my friends after the concert. The next day, I texted her and from there, we started to talk to each other. I asked her out on the third day of texting and it was not until a week later that we went out for ice cream at night. I picked her up from her apartment in my car and we talked over ice cream. It felt unbelievable because here's this girl that i just recently met and we could talk incessantly. After ice cream, we went to a nearby park by a river, sat down somewhere and talked some more. The whole thing lasted till 330am (we met at 9pm) and I sent her home after.

 

After that date (or what i thought it was), we began talking to each other daily, and having night calls till late at night. We went out two more times, and both, it felt like we were on a date, getting to know each other more. Sometimes she would playfully touch me or make my hair, which i thought were examples of good signs that she was at least interested in me. By this time (2 weeks in), i was pretty sure that she's pretty interested in me. Yet, there were times where i could sense some ambivalence in her; sometimes it was like i felt that she was not sure if she liked me. It was due to this ambivalence that i decided that on the fourth time we meet, i had to straighten some things out and find out more about where this relationship between us is heading.

 

So, i asked her out again, this time for lunch, and we went somewhere nice to eat and talked about our day and other stuff. After lunch, we went to the rooftop garden of the mall and found a rather private place (near the railing of the building that overlooked a great view) to stand and admire the view. After a while, i decided to ask her about her ambivalence. We talked about it for quite a bit, and basically from what she said, she feels that she is not as excited and enthused as she should be (yet she said it might be because of her innate character to not feel excited and enthused about anything even with other people) and that she did not want a long distance relationship since i would be leaving for another country in a year to study for 3 years, and that she did not want me to leave my country with someone behind. I told her that we should focus on the present and not think about the future, meaning to say that if she had any feelings for me, we should still take a chance and go for it, since we can't predict the future. She then said she was ambivalent about her feelings towards me and that she enjoys hanging out with me and talking to me, but has not really figured me out and that we just met two weeks ago. I asked her if the past few times we went out together were dates and she kept turning the question on me and asking if I thought they were dates. I said that i meant them as dates and asked if she wanted me to move on and stay. She then said that she was willing to go on dates with me but she could not promise if she would like me or not, and that if we would get together or not. We then went home and after contemplating for two hours, I called her and told her that we should let things remain as it was and that i was too rash in asking her about serious stuff so early on and that we should continue going on dates and stuff and if things don't work out or she figures that she doesn't really like me, then at least she knows that i care about her, even if it meant as a friend. She was okay with it and I have not contacted her so far again (this was an hour before i posted this thread).

 

It may seem that the obvious thing to do now is to just pretend things would return to normal and we would start texting and going out again, but i'm in a dilemma about what to do about the relationship between us. I really need some advice on this from the ladies in this forum, thanks!

 

Chris

 

 

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Not everyone approaches dating and relationships the same way. This is a very big thing that too many people don't understand, and they inadvertently get hurt or hurt someone else.

 

It sounds like she just wants to date casually right now, possibly non-exclusively, in order to get to know you and see how she feels about you. This is a perfectly normal approach to dating, especially at 19.

 

It sounds like you wanted to move fairly quickly from the casual dating to an exclusive relationship, and when you talked to her about it, she shared her honest reservations about being in a relationship so soon.

 

It's up to you how to proceed. If you can genuinely be comfortable with continuing to date her casually and see what happens, without putting a lot of pressure on her to be in a relationship, then go for it! As long as both people are on the same page, casual dating is a great way to learn how to be in a relationship without the long-term pressure. Once you get to a point that you know you want to be exclusive, however, you need to bring that up with her. If she's still uncertain, it might be time to move on. If casual dating gets to a point where one person wants to be exclusive and the other wants to keep things casual, it's best for the feelings of both people to stop dating.

 

If you are already at that point, where you want a relationship with her, dating might not be the best idea.

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I feel that I can really relate to this girl. Whenever I meet someone I am interested in, I'm very cautious about how emotionally invested I get, how excited I become, and it can take me some time to become truly attracted to them. I bet she really enjoys the time that she spends with you, but is not sure if she could sen it developing into more. Some of us just need more time.

I think it's good that you brought it up with her if that's how you felt. I know that I would have appreciated a guy telling me how he felt rather than letting things continue on in confusion for him.

And I agree with what Belle Femme said, when one person wants exclusivity and the other wants to remain casual, it's probably best to not continue dating for the sake of both. But if you can remain casual, then go for it, I'd say!

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Just keep seeing her and let the chips fall where they may. Worst case scenario is you stop seeing her. Best case is you two become exclusive and 80 years from now you're sitting together on your veranda on Mars, holding hands and sipping tea.

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