Your other half being religious/not religious?

[thisneedstobedeletedplease 264]

Hello All

 

This has been playing on my mind for a while now, so I thought I'd ask people's views and opinions on it. Most people on this site seem to be waiters for primarily religious reasons, whereas my waiting has nothing to do with religion. So, my question for all of you, would you be ok marrying a waiter who was NOT religious, even though you were? My reason behind asking this question is because in the threads about what you look for in another person, most (if not all) religious people on this site would prefer someone who follows their religion.

 

I would be fine finding a waiter (or someone willing to wait for me, which seems more likely in this day and age) who was religious and it seems to me that the majority of waiters are religious anyway. So, similarly, non-religious people, would you be ok marrying a religious person?

 

Thank-you for any answers and sorry if the above message is a bit rambling!

 

 

Also sorry, the thread is supposed to say 'youR'.

[Steadfast Madcap 3,216]

As a non-religious person, I couldn't marry someone who is religious. It's really important for me to raise my kids in a secular environment (while giving them the freedom to chose a spiritual path if they come to it on their own), so I could never be with someone who would insist on them, say, regularly going to religious services, encouraging them to literally believe in a god or gods, etc.

 

Plus I can't really imagine being with someone who thinks I'm going to hell, am separated from god(s), am a sinner, etc. Aside from the fact that would hurt my feelings a bit...it's one thing to have religious friends, whose lives are parallel with yours, but when you marry, the two people in question are forming ONE life together. Most religious beliefs are, speaking totally frankly and not meaning to be offensive, a bit too weird (from my perspective) for me to accept into my unified life with my partner. I dunno if that makes any sense or not. From my worldview, it'd be like living with someone who thinks Santa is real, who wants to raise your kids to have a deep and abiding belief in The North Pole and Rudolph, and you can't say a word against that every second of every moment of your life. I just couldn't do it. I've perfected the "smile and nod" when it comes to other people expressing their religious beliefs, but in my own home I need to be able to relax a little.

 

Hopefully the Santa analogy isn't too offensive... Christians, feel free to toss out your own analogies about what it'd be like being married to an atheist, and having your kids raised in a secular way. 

 

It could be possible to find a deist or an agnostic who is more or less in line with all of these requirements, but I think it pretty much rules out most members of organized religion.

[Belle Femme 1,244]

I'm a Christian married to an atheist!

 

Our mixed-faith relationship works for a lot of reasons. In no particular order:

 

• He was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school, so he understands how religion can be used as a moral base. He also understands different types of theology (and why I have a HUGE problem with the Catholic Church itself).
• My personal theology is very liberal and based on considerable independent study instead of the sort of indoctrination I see/saw in my conservative southern hometown.
• He's agreed to attend church with me for Christmas, Easter, and when we're visiting my parents. Also if I'm speaking or singing.
• We've both agreed to introduce future kid(s) to all Christian denominations, plus the other major world religions/spiritual systems. We want them to study and explore their own beliefs to draw their own conclusions.
• That said, we've also agreed that we'll find a fairly liberal Christian church to attend and primarily raise the kids within it, both to foster community and to establish a moral framework (see first bullet point).

All of that said... I'm quite unusual among the open-minded religious folks in that I WTM. And the conservative ones probably think you're going to hell, so like Steadfast Madcap said, you might not want to marry someone like that. My atheist husband was WTM for non-religious reasons (me too, since my study of the Word and the history of controlling women's virginity has led me to conclude premarital sex isn't a sin), so they do exist!!!! They're just  harder to find.

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

I would very much prefer marrying a Catholic man, because I want to raise my children as Catholics. There was a guy who was interested in me earlier this year who didn't want to be catholic because 'it wasn't his thing', but said it was alright to raise his children as Catholic if that was what his wife wanted. I just couldn't understand how he was okay with teaching, or having someone else teaching, his children something he didn't believe in. I want someone on the same religious path as me so we can teach our children and grow together in our faith.

So the same as Steadfast Madcap, but opposite lol.

[Daz 792]

I have my own beliefs, but I'm open to the possibilities of all beliefs, so I would not at all be picky with religion, as long as I don't have to change who I am. If my partner's religion requires me to become part of it, I don't think I'm down for that unless it's close to my beliefs.

[cookiemonster 500]

He doesn't have to be religious but he does have to a christian. I'm open to other religions

[CrystalFaerie 1,316]

I would be okay with marrying an agnostic or atheist, so long as they accept my beliefs. Take for example my best friend, who is agnostic but respects what I believe in and doesn't try to disprove everything I say. That could work. His mother, however, is a staunch atheist and will readily say she thinks religion is stupid, even when she knows there are religious people in the room. I could never marry someone like that. (She's a nice person, by the way, I just mean I could never marry someone who is almost proselytising about their atheism.)

 

Basically I'm open to marrying anyone who respects my religion and lets me teach it to our children. If he wants to share his beliefs (atheism, Christianity, Islam, or any other) as well, I'm fine with that too, so long as he doesn't go on about how I'm wrong/a sinner/going to hell. If we can both respect each other's faith or non-faith, whatever it may be, that's good for me.

[Matthew 2,546]

I don't think I will marry a religious person, or anyone who is a "person of faith". I am too slowly becoming a skeptic and "freethinker", and I want to marry someone who is the same. I don't want my children going to any kind of church until they've reached an age of understanding, when I am comfortable in their ability to think and reason for themselves. I don't want to risk them believing something just because an adult at a church presented it as fact, scared them, or convinced them with emotion, and then spending years believing something that's not true.

 

Of, course, I'm also not going to teach my children that there is no god, or that any specific god doesn't exist. Rather, I will just raise them to be good people, and teach them to learn, reason, and discover things for themselves. I've got tons to learn before I could do an adequate job at that, though.

 

Anyway, I can't say for certain that I could not marry a religious person. All I know is that after years of mostly keeping my doubts to myself (irl), it's exciting to think about being in love with someone that shares my skepticism.

[Amber Elizabeth 873]

I wouldn't marry a non-religious person.

[Invincible 8,026]

No.

[Buster Cannon 1,432]

If she's not a Christian (and by that I mean someone who takes their faith seriously), a relationship is comepletely out of the question.

[ChristianMan72 480]

How it would be possible to love a spouse as much as or more than your own soul, and be willing to lay down your life for him/her, yet be completely accepting of the fact that in the end, as an unbeliever, your SO will be eternally separated from you and from God and from anything good.  It should tear your heart out. And the same goes for your children.

 

So if this is were the case, I would have to conclude that you either don't really love your spouse/children THAT much, or you don't really believe THAT much.

[Mstr Josh 2,607]

I could marry someone religious. But I would want us to both agree to raise the child believing they can be any religion they choose, and that all religions deserve to exist along with no religion being wrong

I also don't believe that by not believing in God, you're going to hell. So whether an SO believed or didn't, it wouldn't make a difference.

[faizan 59]

This is an awesome question! It depends on the definition of non-religious. If non-religious means atheist then the answer would be a no. However, if it means that she does believe in God but is just not a practicing monotheist then it would be a yes. As long as their is respect and acceptance (as in not having a desire to change them to achieve your own happiness) of the other person's beliefs ... life is good . With that being said, let's say she was a non-religious monotheist and then later becomes an atheist after our marriage ... I would still love her and be with her as long as the respect and acceptance defined above remains intact

 

As for the kids, I would really want them to think and choose freely. My goal would be to teach them the necessary tools of reasoning and logic with which they can have an excellent foundation to make decisions to the best of their abilities as they learn about the various belief systems. Being a muslim ... I would definitely like to teach the kids about my faith but they would be under no obligation to blindly accept it at face value! I would hope that my wife can also encourage them to think and reason independently as well as teach them about her belief system. I would be a very happy guy if the children turn out to be conscientious human beings

[sine 108]

As a non-religious person, I couldn't marry someone who is religious. It's really important for me to raise my kids in a secular environment (while giving them the freedom to chose a spiritual path if they come to it on their own), so I could never be with someone who would insist on them, say, regularly going to religious services, encouraging them to literally believe in a god or gods, etc.

 

Plus I can't really imagine being with someone who thinks I'm going to hell, am separated from god(s), am a sinner, etc. Aside from the fact that would hurt my feelings a bit...it's one thing to have religious friends, whose lives are parallel with yours, but when you marry, the two people in question are forming ONE life together. Most religious beliefs are, speaking totally frankly and not meaning to be offensive, a bit too weird (from my perspective) for me to accept into my unified life with my partner. I dunno if that makes any sense or not. From my worldview, it'd be like living with someone who thinks Santa is real, who wants to raise your kids to have a deep and abiding belief in The North Pole and Rudolph, and you can't say a word against that every second of every moment of your life. I just couldn't do it. I've perfected the "smile and nod" when it comes to other people expressing their religious beliefs, but in my own home I need to be able to relax a little.

 

Hopefully the Santa analogy isn't too offensive... Christians, feel free to toss out your own analogies about what it'd be like being married to an atheist, and having your kids raised in a secular way. 

 

It could be possible to find a deist or an agnostic who is more or less in line with all of these requirements, but I think it pretty much rules out most members of organized religion.

 

Well, as usual, more or less what she's said .......including the Santa analogy........I'm an agnostic-atheist though (yes......there's a difference.......umm, I think......although a minor one for the purpose of this discussion.....)

 

Firstly, irrespective of other things (including religion/spirituality), I'd really want to be with a waiter (including a waiter who was raped or molested.....), I just thought I should clarify that since many waiters here don't insist on their spouse being a waiter.......

 

As I have said elsewhere, I probably wouldn't mind being with a non-practising theist i.e. someone who believes in the existence of God(s) but doesn't attend religious institutions on a regular basis AND doesn't reject things that are regarded as common scientific facts, has her critical reasoning faculties in place & is open-minded about things in general but......

 

All of that said... I'm quite unusual among the open-minded religious folks in that I WTM.

 

This ^ Most of the religious waiters tend to be VERY religious!

 

Belle Femme seems a little more than a "non-practising theist" but depending on other considerations, I might be ok with a girl who was somewhat like her (& it'd be a huge bonus if the girl was also a Libertarian like Belle Femme )

 

The thing is as an agnostic-atheist, I'm not very belligerent when it comes to religions in general (unlike many "pure atheists") & therefore, I do have friends (irl) who are pretty religious. So, I can see myself getting along with a girl so long as she doesn't bring her God(s) into every second sentence she utters & doesn't have every aspect of her life aligned with whatever her religious teachings say.

[Steadfast Madcap 3,216]

Well, as usual, more or less what she's said .......including the Santa analogy........I'm an agnostic-atheist though (yes......there's a difference.......umm, I think......although a minor one for the purpose of this discussion.....)

 

The thing is as an agnostic-atheist, I'm not very belligerent when it comes to religions in general (unlike many "pure atheists") & therefore, I do have friends (irl) who are pretty religious. 

 

Slightly off-topic: Is that the same as negative vs positive atheism, or weak vs soft atheism? I've always kind of felt like those distinction were invented so some atheists can still say they're atheists while distancing themselves from "THOSE atheists." 

[sine 108]

Slightly off-topic: Is that the same as negative vs positive atheism, or weak vs soft atheism? I've always kind of felt like those distinction were invented so some atheists can still say they're atheists while distancing themselves from "THOSE atheists." 

 

Well, it might be the case with some people who identify as such but you know, labels in general can be misleading since different people may use the same label to represent different things. For me though, I call myself an agnostic-atheist because that's how I feel; & not necessarily because I want to differentiate myself from "those atheists" but yeah, it's a nice bonus if it does work that way.  

To me, gnostic/agnostic refers to knowledge & theism/atheism refers to belief, & accordingly, I think the quotes from this link seem to capture my feelings on the issue fairly well. I also like the graphic about knowledge & belief - https://www.facebook.com/AgnosticAtheists

"Agnostic atheists are atheistic because they do not hold a belief in the existence of any deity and agnostic because they claim that the existence of a deity is either unknowable in principle or currently unknown in fact."

 

"It takes nothing more than a lack of theism to be an a-theist.

It takes nothing more than honest epistemology to admit "I don't know." "

[hanachu 275]

Regardless of whether they're the same religion as me, there's a few things I need them to do:

1. Think. Sadly, this is rare, even more so in a church.
2. Have a desire to live a life that is good.
3. Not shutting down whenever I mention anything related to Christianity.

 

My story is that I started off dating an atheist + friend + drawing buddy.

 

I never asked him to go to church. I never forced him into discussion Christianity. However, we had many discussions about the human condition, the dichotomy of good and evil, the standard of what a "good" life is, how one should understand the Bible, and conceptions/misconceptions about the Christian faith. I could answer a good amount of his questions, thankfully.

 

When he expressed merit in Christianity, I told him that whether or not he says he's a Christian/saved/born-again, his personal commitment to Christianity needed to have nothing to do with me.

 

And then we got married.

[__Egirly__ 1,161]

I couldn't marry a non-Christian.

[Lizzie 230]

He has to be a Christian who loves God.  

[l8dyluck81 336]

A year ago, I'd have said that it didn't really matter, but now I know better. I've been exploring my Catholic faith much more fully these past few months and now there's no way I could ever marry someone who didn't believe in it. I'm not necessarily looking for a guy who's just like me, but I do want an active Christian. Ideally, a man who can lead me in the faith, and guide me along. Someone I can look up to and respect as a spiritual leader of our family. 

[PG1 1,730]

Well, for me, this decision took a LOT of consideration, experiences, and praying, to finally figure out what I need. Because I have, in the past, been interested in a few people who were NOT in agreement with my faith and, in fact, didn't believe in God at all. I use to think I would be ok with that. Over the past few years I have realized that, for me, that is something I find important to have in common with someone that I want to spend my life with. I don't care if we don't see eye to eye on almost anything else, or even have much else in common, but I want to KNOW that we both believe in the same thing. Even though I, in turn, also believe that any children involved should learn about many, if not all, religions. Not only for the sake of them having open minds and discovering what is right in their OWN SOUL, but to teach tolerance and acceptance. Ignorance is one of the worst things in our world. I don't practice by going to church regularly, but I do pray a lot, and I also would love to find a church that I am comfortableI'm not really the church going type... although I use to be... and would love to have someone I was in love with, or might be falling in love with, to attend on occasion. Still, I believe, whole-heartedly, that we all have different needs and wants and that we should do what we feel in our own hearts is right for us.

 

I blame my mom ... always teaching me, and my sisters, to be ourselves always and saying 'To thine own self, be true' (Shakespeare). In some ways, I don't even think she realized that we would apply this philosophy to those we meet or who are in our lives.

[Belle Femme 1,244]

So by marrying a man like that, I would not believe that his soul were in jeopardy. So please do not say that I don't love my husband or my children, or that I don't believe. You postulate that your beliefs are exactly like everyone elses, telling us what 'should' tear our hearts out. It comes across as insulting and, in my opinion, non-Christian.

 

Seconded.

[Forgotten_Soldier 10]

I would personally would prefer if they weren't religious. I've had very bad experiences with Christians to the point I tend to see most of it as little more than a hate cult. I understand not all Christians are like this, but too many of them are... not trying to sound insulting, it's just what I've been subjected to and have witnessed to those close to me all my life.

 

IrishRedHead, you've hit the nail on the head. The one who actually follows the Christian morals better than ones who simply believe in the religions, really are fine. 

 

If however they followed their religion truly and were fine with me, I am not sure, leaning mostly to no because in the past I have tried and it has never worked out for me since they try to "convert" me. If they didn't try that I could... but the chances are too high that they would try to convert you, so I would mostly say no unless they could really prove to me in their actions that they are different.

 

just my 2 cents anyway.

[l8dyluck81 336]

I agree with Irish, and I understand her viewpoint. I think that the former type of person she describes is definitely a much more desirable one than the latter. However, I'm just selfish enough to want my future husband to possess all the wonderful qualities she describes, plus be a practicing Catholic or Christian. An atheist who has them could certainly still be a good partner, but I want someone who shares my faith. He doesn't have to be a church-every-day, ministry-on-the-weekends devout, but he does have to share my beliefs and at least participate a little by going to church with me on special occasions and holidays. And he shouldn't mind that I'd want to raise our children in the Catholic faith.

 

My father was essentially raised without religion, though he considered himself a believer. My mom was raised Catholic. She went to Catholic schools her whole childhood, went to church every week, got all the sacraments she could, the whole nine yards. She set out to teach her kids the same way. My dad never complained, but due to his lack of religion he also wasn't a spiritual leader. He and my mom agreed on all the major ways they needed to in order to be effective parents but looking back, I think if he'd been a stronger spiritual role model, perhaps we might not have turned our backs on our faith when we reached adolescence. If he and my mom had presented a more united front religiously, maybe we would have turned into faith-filled young adults instead of turning to our non-religious friends and pop culture to guide us. For us three kids, church was just something boring that we had to do every week throughout our childhood. Catholic school sucked (but mostly because of my classmates, not the religious aspect), we hated the uniforms and couldn't wait to get into public school in sixth grade.

 

After such a sporadic relationship with my faith, I've experienced major changes. Over this past year, I've begun taking baby steps toward rediscovering my faith all on my own. At 33 years old, I finally realized that a big part of what has been missing in my life is the meaning that only God can provide. I have actually begun to read the Bible (of my own volition!). I was having dinner with a friend last week whom I haven't seen in ages (we've been friends since we were 11), and I was relating my journey to her and we actually found that we're both on the same path with our spiritual lives. Totally independent of each other, we have each begun to explore our faith! It cracked us up that we could both come to the same conclusion without even talking about it with each other.

 

That's why it's important to me to find a good Christian man with whom to share my life. Because I want to continue to grow in my faith and I want my husband there to walk with me on my journey, not just be a passive bystander looking on.