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"I'm not waiting until marriage but I'm waiting for the right guy/girl"

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I've been seeing a lot of virgins saying things like...

"I'm not waiting until marriage but I'm waiting for love."

or...

"I'm not waiting for marriage but I'm waiting for the right guy/girl."

What does this mean? Please, someone help me understand >_<

Why wouldn't the right girl/guy or person you love be the person you marry?

Or do they really mean their waiting until marriage but want to put more of the emphasis on love rather than the marriage?

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From my experience it means that they don't want to wait until they get married because that is a very long time away and a very huge commitment and they will be too old!

Instead, they want to wait until they're in a very secure, loving relationship where they trust the person 100% and just want to deepen their connection and relationship. T

hey will most likely want to have been in a relationship with the person for a very long time-maybe over a year or something and make sure that they tick all the right boxes and are the right person for them.

It just means that they don't want to have sex for the first time with some complete stranger but rather with someone they are in love with and they could think that the relationship will end one day but at least it felt right at the time or they believe that this person is the person they want to marry one day but they just don't see the point into waiting so long if you know there and then that this is the person they love and want to share themselves with :)

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I've been seeing a lot of virgins saying things like...

"I'm not waiting until marriage but I'm waiting for love."

or...

"I'm not waiting for marriage but I'm waiting for the right guy/girl."

What does this mean? Please, someone help me understand >_<

Why wouldn't the right girl/guy or person you love be the person you marry?

I've also heard people say they want to wait until they're engaged rather than married. These people just don't want sex to be cheap. By waiting for the right guy/girl or finding someone they love they can experience sex in a safer and more intimate setting. A lot of people just get plastered at the bar and then go home with whoever they find their arm around. If someone is a virgin past 18 then they probably don't want to squander their first time on a one night stand. That doesn't mean they're waiting for marriage though.

As someone who is nonreligious it can seem, at times, like the theistic institution of marriage is unnecessary. The high divorce rate probably makes some people nervous to commit as well. Personally I agree with you. The right person for me will be the one I marry.

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I wonder what the real cause(s) of the high divorce rate are? I mean...I wonder how much sex outside of marriage becoming the norm, has contributed to this trend? As the saying goes, 'if you're getting the milk free, why buy the cow'? I can see the influence of economic changes brought on by industrialization/post-industrialization playing a role...but we each have a choice to make, as individuals...which why I'm still left wondering, as this IS a complex issue. Maybe if the root cause(s) could be found, the issue of the failure of marriage in the Western world might be addressed...Sorry if I'm a bit off topic.

On-Topic: I get the logic behind the 'waiting for the right guy/girl' attitude...but can't agree with it. If I found the 'right' girl...I'd love her and vice versa...which would mean I would want make sure that the first time was a special/meaningful as possible...hence I'd want to be married first. I seriously wouldn't want to give that gift to someone who could and probably would just break-up with me. I'd feel horrible finding out that she wasn't the 'one'...and then meeting my soulmate/whatever term you want to use...and having given that to someone else...be unable to gift her with it...you know what I mean?

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I suppose waiting for "the right person" is better than one night stands and such, but it seems like the people who say that having sex outside of marriage is the most ideal.

I simply think that most people (especially Generation Y people)are commitmentphobes. The divorce rates are just an excuse to cover up the real reason. The college graduation rates aren't good either but I never hear of people bringing up the bad graduation rates as their reason behind not going to college.

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I wonder how much sex outside of marriage becoming the norm, has contributed to this trend? As the saying goes, 'if you're getting the milk free, why buy the cow?

Dude, so true. Personally I think this is the real reason behind high divorce rates. One of the articles that Mike posted even had statistics that proved people who wait enjoy more stable and fulfilling marriages. That seems like enough evidence for me.

I feel like once a guy gets the treasure he's going to want to move on. If a girl withholds that, he's far more likely to stick with it and 'chase' her. Of course this isn't always the case. I wouldn't recommend a girl go try and tame a pick up artist. With nice guys though this would probably work. Sex without commitment tends to dehumanize the other person and consign them into 'a means to an end,' at least for guys. If there's no real commitment as soon as the next beautiful thing steps into his field of vision he'll have no problem saying adios to girl #1.

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Dude, so true. Personally I think this is the real reason behind high divorce rates. One of the articles that Mike posted even had statistics that proved people who wait enjoy more stable and fulfilling marriages. That seems like enough evidence for me.

I feel like once a guy gets the treasure he's going to want to move on. If a girl withholds that, he's far more likely to stick with it and 'chase' her. Of course this isn't always the case. I wouldn't recommend a girl go try and tame a pick up artist. With nice guys though this would probably work. Sex without commitment tends to dehumanize the other person and consign them into 'a means to an end,' at least for guys. If there's no real commitment as soon as the next beautiful thing steps into his field of vision he'll have no problem saying adios to girl #1.

'Nice guy'? Usually that term is applied to guy who are insecure and only act nice to cover up insecurities...hence they're viewed as pushovers. This is probably why so many decent girls end up with jerks...and why so many girls who are waiting, end up losing the battle. Somehow those of us guys who are waiting, need to learn how to be decent guys...but not pushovers or insecure, lol.

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'Nice guy'? Usually that term is applied to guy who are insecure and only act nice to cover up insecurities...hence they're viewed as pushovers. This is probably why so many decent girls end up with jerks...and why so many girls who are waiting, end up losing the battle. Somehow those of us guys who are waiting, need to learn how to be decent guys...but not pushovers or insecure, lol.

Haha by 'nice guys' I didn't even mean people who are waiting, quiet or shy. I just meant 'nice' as a general term referring to any guy who isn't just interested in a girl to 'tap that ass' or 'get their nut.' A lot of guys who aren't waiting till marriage are still nice people. Girls do tend to go for the alpha, and things like rudeness and arrogance are seen as confidence and power.

It's easy for people like us to be decent. I should hope that anybody who is WTM is a decent person. There's also no reason why WTM should be linked to shyness or insecurity. We should be proud of who we are and confident in the fact that we'll end up in happier and more fulfilling relationships than 99% of the people out there.

I am a nice guy and proud to be one. I am not insecure and I am not a pushover. I think the type of 'jerk' guy you have in mind is the 'juice head gorilla.' For people who are waiting we really have no conflict with these guys. We are playing the game on an entirely different level. I don't even try to go for the bar whores that these guys try to hook up with. Therefore there's no problem with competition. I don't even want the prey they're stalking.

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Haha by 'nice guys' I didn't even mean people who are waiting, quiet or shy. I just meant 'nice' as a general term referring to any guy who isn't just interested in a girl to 'tap that ass' or 'get their nut.' A lot of guys who aren't waiting till marriage are still nice people. Girls do tend to go for the alpha, and things like rudeness and arrogance are seen as confidence and power.

It's easy for people like us to be decent. I should hope that anybody who is WTM is a decent person. There's also no reason why WTM should be linked to shyness or insecurity. We should be proud of who we are and confident in the fact that we'll end up in happier and more fulfilling relationships than 99% of the people out there.

I am a nice guy and proud to be one. I am not insecure and I am not a pushover. I think the type of 'jerk' guy you have in mind is the 'juice head gorilla.' For people who are waiting we really have no conflict with these guys. We are playing the game on an entirely different level. I don't even try to go for the bar whores that these guys try to hook up with. Therefore there's no problem with competition. I don't even want the prey they're stalking.

Funny thing is...when I've been in completely volcel mode, chill as ever, I've had my experiences of having multiple women (non-waiting types) come on to me...it's like it makes me mysterious or so...like they'll be thinking: "OMG, why isn't he pursuing me?! Is he gay or what?!" LOL. Especially when we're talking about attractive types, who typically have tons of men chasing after them. Maybe it plays to our advantage on more than one level? I dunno...Just some thoughts...

See ya on the flipside,

Tempest Desh

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I agree with Anna, when people say that, they just want to be in a secure and loving relationship...most likely with someone they could see themselves marrying, but they still don't want to wait that long.

My sister was/is that way...she had a couple of boyfriends and she said she just didn't feel ready or like they were the one for her. One guy she was with for over 3 years but she just wasn't ready for it yet. She was 24 or 25 when she met the right guy to make love to...and he is a great guy...and they are still happily together and wouldn't change a thing!

My fiance is one who also said he wanted to wait for the right girl and not necessarily marriage. He said he even had previous girlfriends that wanted to have sex, but he said he just didn't feel like they were the one so he said no.

I think people who choose this way value their virginity and want their first time to be special (definitely not a one-night-stand type of person) but just don't think it needs to wait until marriage. =)

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"I think people who choose this way value their virginity and want their first time to be special (definitely not a one-night-stand type of person) but just don't think it needs to wait until marriage. =)" I agree with Anna and anyone else who said this. Some people may not actually wait until their wedding night, but sharing an intimate expression with someone they love (even when not married) is okay to them, because it is the security and connection they are going for. I still could not do that because he would not be mine. We could break up and it would be that much worse because there was sex too. Not to say that we would, but when I think of how amazing my wedding night/honeymoon could be, I wanna make it the best it can be...hopefully I can find a guy out there who agrees !

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I like people who say they are waiting for love because they aren't into the whole one night stand thing and still think sex is an important thing. I can totally agree with them but I just like the added security you would get in marriage because like Sally said, you just never know if you are going to break up.

This isn't completely on topic but I thought it kind of relates.

I always get asked if I will change my mind when I meet that person who is definitely the right guy for me, the one I fall for completely. Because I have never experienced love and have never known whether I would ever feel one hundred percent comfortable to have sex with someone how do I know that it won't all change when I meet that guy for me? I always reply with something like, I never know if my opinion and choice will change but I do know that if we care enough about each other then we will have the strength to wait longer than others do and we won't want to throw it all away and fall at the last hurdle almost. If it really is meant to be, then it will happen.

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Anna,

I found myself really liking a guy, not lvoe, but I realllly liked him. I let him spend the night, but I was upfront about how i roll =P It was fine, but hardcore making out in bed is very tempting. He would kinda stop sometimes, and one time it was difficult because I was on top of him (this was not the first time he spent the night--so I was comfortable) and it could have easily gone all the way. Am I glad it didn't? Absolutely. He later told me he still had feelings for his ex and broke it off, but then later regretted it. I didn't take him back. He had a lot of depression issues he needed to work on (which I encouraged him in getting help) and he would be leaving soon for teh Air Force anyway. You really ahve to work at it when the time comes. I don't know about letting a guy spend the night next time...maybe cuddle and take naps together and I can see about spending the night later on.

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'if you're getting the milk free, why buy the cow'?

A cow is worth more than her milk. Just like your future partner is worth more than sex. And thankfully, people aren't cows. You buy a cow to live off her milk. You marry a person, not to get sex from them, but because you love them, body and soul. Sex is only one part of a relationship. Sharing that part before marriage doesn't make you suddenly worthless to someone who truly loves you. Besides, I'm sure you'd hope they'd want to come back for more. If not, then you'd expect everyone to get divorced right after the wedding night!

Just think about it this way: What motivates your decision to wait? I'm pretty sure it's not just fear your partner won't want to buy the whole package if you "give it up".

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I've been seeing a lot of virgins saying things like...

"I'm not waiting until marriage but I'm waiting for love."

or...

"I'm not waiting for marriage but I'm waiting for the right guy/girl."

What does this mean? Please, someone help me understand >_<

Why wouldn't the right girl/guy or person you love be the person you marry?

Or do they really mean their waiting until marriage but want to put more of the emphasis on love rather than the marriage?

Yes, I can answer this 100%. First of all, I am considering WTM but I haven't decided completely yet.

1. I have never once believed that marriage = eternal love. You can marry someone and then divorce him. Marriage or no marriage, you still lost your virginity to a person you broke up with.

2. I'm an atheist, so while I am conservative towards sex, I don't view pre-marital sex as a sin (just disgusting if it is casual sex.)

3. I would never rush a guy into marriage, or force him to marry me. Just because you love someone with all your heart, doesn't mean you feel comfortable getting married. Many people are against the idea of marriage. Am I willing to lose a guy because of this? No.

4. Let's say the guy I am completely in love with wants to date a minimum of 3 years before getting married, but doesn't feel like he can wait 3 years without having sex. Well, I would insist on dating for at least 6 months, but I am not losing him.

5. Even if the man I lose my virginity to isn't the guy I marry, doesn't mean I never loved him or he never loved me. Some times it just doesn't work out, and that doesn't make the love any less real.

I guess, to me, I place more emphasis on love than marriage: if you're in love, why not have sex? Married or not married, love is love. But I would much prefer giving my body to only one man, and I would prefer losing my virginity to my husband than my boyfriend. I am still torn with my decision. I guess, when it comes down to it, it depends on whether or not he is willing, and he has to have a good reason why he doesn't want to wait. I think sex is a very intimate expression of devotion and love, and I want to share that with the man I love. I don't think we have to be married to have that love. But if I meet a guy who is totally willing to wait, I'll do it!

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A cow is worth more than her milk. Just like your future partner is worth more than sex. And thankfully, people aren't cows. You buy a cow to live off her milk. You marry a person, not to get sex from them, but because you love them, body and soul. Sex is only one part of a relationship. Sharing that part before marriage doesn't make you suddenly worthless to someone who truly loves you. Besides, I'm sure you'd hope they'd want to come back for more. If not, then you'd expect everyone to get divorced right after the wedding night!

Just think about it this way: What motivates your decision to wait? I'm pretty sure it's not just fear your partner won't want to buy the whole package if you "give it up".

I completely agree with this. A human is not a cow, and I believe that whoever invented this quote directed it towards women...which is not at all nice.

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Yes, I can answer this 100%. First of all, I am considering WTM but I haven't decided completely yet.[...]

I guess, to me, I place more emphasis on love than marriage: if you're in love, why not have sex? Married or not married, love is love. But I would much prefer giving my body to only one man, and I would prefer losing my virginity to my husband than my boyfriend. I am still torn with my decision. I guess, when it comes down to it, it depends on whether or not he is willing, and he has to have a good reason why he doesn't want to wait. I think sex is a very intimate expression of devotion and love, and I want to share that with the man I love. I don't think we have to be married to have that love. But if I meet a guy who is totally willing to wait, I'll do it!

Hello Sophie,

I'm 26 and married and I didn't WTM. It just wasn't for me. I just want to say that I agree with all the points you've made.

I feel that while you and I are not waiters-till-marriage (or not yet, good luck with making your own decision), in many ways we are still waiters. I think the only real difference is that while we all wait, we've just chosen a different "deadline" if I can put it that way. To me, marriage was not the line I needed. I needed to meet someone and knowing we were both committed and in love as well as respect and trust each other. I also wanted us to have been in the relationship for enough time.

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Hello Sophie,

I'm 26 and married and I didn't WTM. It just wasn't for me. I just want to say that I agree with all the points you've made.

I feel that while you and I are not waiters-till-marriage (or not yet, good luck with making your own decision), in many ways we are still waiters. I think the only real difference is that while we all wait, we've just chosen a different "deadline" if I can put it that way. To me, marriage was not the line I needed. I needed to meet someone and knowing we were both committed and in love as well as respect and trust each other. I also wanted us to have been in the relationship for enough time.

Yes, I think time is very important in a relationship. My friend only dated her boyfriend for a month before losing her virginity to him. They dated for eleven months, and while she doesn't regret having sex with him, she really wishes they had waited longer before having sex. Meanwhile, her cousin dated her boyfriend for nearly 12 months before they lost their virginities to each other in the twelfth grade and over two years later, they are still together. This other teen couple I know waited quite a while, and their two year anniversary is in less than a month. I learned a lot from my friend's mistake, and learned a lot from my friends who made the right choice. If I have a real connection with a guy and we both are just so madly in love that we can't wait to get married (it's happened to most of my relatives) then I will wait until marriage because we would date for like what, a year? Two? But in some relationships, things just go much slower and they take time. I certainly don't want to rush into marriage just to have sex. But still, WTM does appeal to me in so many ways but my decision will be my own in the end.

Just out of curiosity, if you didn't WTM, why are you on this forum? I have nothing against that (it's great that you're here!) but I'm a bit confused. May I assume you didn't WTM but have only been with one man? Or have just been very conservative with sex?

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Just out of curiosity, if you didn't WTM, why are you on this forum? I have nothing against that (it's great that you're here!) but I'm a bit confused. May I assume you didn't WTM but have only been with one man? Or have just been very conservative with sex?

Sophie are we helping you decide to WTM or not?

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Sophie are we helping you decide to WTM or not?

Not helping to "decide", exactly. When I became interested in WTM, I of course decided to do research on it because I had thought it was such an old-fashioned idea that I didn't really know if anyone in the twenty-first century did it anymore (I mean of course there are some countries that still do that with the majority.) I found this website to be incredibly helpful. I think I read every article like ten times. It really gave me an understanding of what modern-day WTM was all about. I joined this forum because, well, everyone on here seemed awesome and whether or not I WTM, I could still be 26 before I lose my virginity because I absolutely want to wait until I'm in love. I felt really alone with this conservative values. I mean, all but one of my friends are conservative but not to this extent. But until I decide 100% whether I will WTM or not, I won't do anything, even if I'm in love. I need to know my own mind completely. And that's what this website is really helping me with.

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You won't do anything? Well, if you're in love, you'll probably kiss him ;) So saying you won't do anyhing is a bit extreme IMO. So you're saying that this website is helping you to know your own mind?

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You won't do anything? Well, if you're in love, you'll probably kiss him ;) So saying you won't do anyhing is a bit extreme IMO. So you're saying that this website is helping you to know your own mind?

By "anything" I mean sex. lol. Although I'm not the kind of girl who can even kiss a guy she doesn't have a crush on. That's because of my aspergers: I have to feel very, very comfortable with someone before sharing any kind of personal space (and that includes holding hands.) And yes, this website is helping me to know/understand my own mind. I've had a lot of adult women tell me they didn't fully know and understand their own mind until their thirties and forties. I'm really trying to learn more about myself. It took me 18 years before I felt comfortable with my conservative values towards sex because I actually had a couple of people guilt-tripping me into being a "prude," and I was called "anti-feminist" by an online female friend of mine.

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And reading about your friends, I gotta say I don't think anybody should have sex as a teenager. You're just not wired properly emotionally yet at that age.

I do completely agree, which is why I decided at a very young age never to date until I am 20. Even at age 12 I couldn't understand why eighteen and nineteen-year-old's were having sex. As far as I was concerned, they were still children because of the teen in their age. When I was 11, I even thought that sex was something you only ever did when you wanted children. I had no idea it could be recreational (whether casual, dating, or marriage.) I was very innocent until my mom informed me that was absolutely not the case at all. >.< lol.

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i used to think the same way. 

it means when a person thinks they have found their soul mate they will live with them and have sex. 

but i learned that a guy will find no reason to marry if you're already playing house with him.

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