Fernando H

Can you accept a Guy who went from non-virgin to Waiter?

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He has to be an almost complete virgin waiter or an almost complete virgin non-waiter converted to waiter, because that shows that he is just as dedicated to me as I am with him.

I don't care if a man comes into my life and is 'almost' everything I have ever wanted in a man, if he is not an almost complete virgin I'm dumping his bum on the curb.

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He has to be an almost complete virgin waiter or an almost complete virgin non-waiter converted to waiter, because that shows that he is just as dedicated to me as I am with him.

I don't care if a man comes into my life and is 'almost' everything I have ever wanted in a man, if he is not an almost complete virgin I'm dumping his bum on the curb.

 

Uhh, what's an "almost complete virgin"? I thought either you're a virgin or you're not (irrespective of how one defines "virginity" itself).....

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Uhh, what's an "almost complete virgin"? I thought either you're a virgin or you're not (irrespective of how one defines "virginity" itself).....

 

 

I'm level 100 in Virginity, 100% Success Streak. But hopefully some lady will one-shot me and I'll lose once we're married ;) hopefully this metaphor makes some sense.

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He has to be an almost complete virgin waiter or an almost complete virgin non-waiter converted to waiter, because that shows that he is just as dedicated to me as I am with him.

I don't care if a man comes into my life and is 'almost' everything I have ever wanted in a man, if he is not an almost complete virgin I'm dumping his bum on the curb.

What is an almost virgin? And I don't think virginity should be the sole factor in dumping a person. JMO

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The guy I'm dating now is not a virgin, far from it really. But thus far he has been everything I was hoping for. I would be an idiot not to give him a try just because he is like the majority of the people in the world. My choice to wait is for my reason, he is now choosing to wait for his own reason... which is because he wants something more than just sex, he realizes that in the past when he jumped to sex too fast you miss a lot about a person and relationship fails. He is ready for a forever relationship so when he found out I was a virgin he liked the thought because he knew I waited to take it slow too. Who he was with before doesnt matter to me. If we are to make it to the point in our relationship where we were to make love, it will be a 1st both of us. Im a virgin and he has never with one.

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I'm level 100 in Virginity, 100% Success Streak. But hopefully some lady will one-shot me and I'll lose once we're married ;) hopefully this metaphor makes some sense.

 

Yeah, we can always have hope.... :D

 

And I don't think virginity should be the sole factor in dumping a person. JMO

 

Doesn't that depend on one's perspective? I mean I believe in WTM because in my opinion, that's a measure of how much a person longs to find their one true love; that's what I have to offer & that's what I expect from my future wife!

 

Of course, if a girl has lost her virginity because of rape or something then I'd be willing to look past that because I don't think I can hold her accountable for what others have done to her so long as she's been WTM otherwise & has managed to get over her past & is in a position, mentally, to start a new life with me.

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Also, to me at least, it's pretty inaccurate to say that someone lost their virginity to rape. Rape isn't sex; it's a violent assault. It's like saying someone lost their virginity because they were beaten by their boyfriend. If a survivor wants to mark that as the moment they lost their virginity, then that is totally their choice, but I don't think that should be the 'default' position we as a society take on the matter.

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Look past that?!? It sounds like your saying that it would be hard for you, but you might be able to manage it. As if her tragedy would be an issue for you...

And nobody in that position can 'get over their past,' just sayin'...

 

Ok, maybe that wasn't the best way to put it but the thing is, I don't know how a girl in that situation feels like, whatever little I've been able to gather from articles & stuff written by women who have been in that situation, they say they felt really scared of men in general (presuming of course, that the rapist(s) was/were male(s)), so much so that they didn't even want their father or brothers to touch them, etc so I don't know if a relationship/marriage is even possible in that situation, it might even seem unreasonable to expect it. I just don't know what to expect & hence the uncertainty.

 

And, that is what they need to "get over". Of course, they can't just erase the memory but just regaining their trust in men, intimacy, etc. They can't do that until they "let go of their past" & unfortunately, it seems not all such women are able to do that completely. So I just don't know.

 

Anyway, the point of bringing up the rape situation was that just because I want to marry a virgin doesn't necessarily mean it's the only thing that I care about.

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I'm a nonvirgin woman looking for a man who is waiting for marriage (virgin or not) and, boy, is that a feat!!  haha

 

So what I look for is someone who has committed to abstaining and has proven that by his actions (he hasn't been with anyone for more than a year by CHOICE and not because he's weird and awkward and can't get any.  There's a difference).  He doesn't watch porn because that is not abstaining fully from sex with others.  Also, if he hasn't been with a ton of women (under 5) if he is middle aged.  And if he's still willing to wait to have sex until marriage.  But let's face it, this guy doesn't exist.  ;)

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I don't understand the year either. To me that would be a red flag, you should want someone who's proven they can be in a lasting relationship.

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Yeah, we can always have hope.... :D

Doesn't that depend on one's perspective? I mean I believe in WTM because in my opinion, that's a measure of how much a person longs to find their one true love; that's what I have to offer & that's what I expect from my future wife!

Of course, if a girl has lost her virginity because of rape or something then I'd be willing to look past that because I don't think I can hold her accountable for what others have done to her so long as she's been WTM otherwise & has managed to get over her past & is in a position, mentally, to start a new life with me.

But that's the only thing g you have to offer? A marriage is more than just sex. A person is more than what's between their legs. I do think if a person waits it shows self control and respect for their bodies. However it's not the only measure of a person's worth.

As for rape and molestation it really depends on the situation. Some women act out sexually others might be so scared that they won't engage in any sexuality activity at all. Depending on the situation it can take years for a person to overcome that trauma. They might not look at sex or relationships the same way you do.

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Also, to me at least, it's pretty inaccurate to say that someone lost their virginity to rape. Rape isn't sex; it's a violent assault. It's like saying someone lost their virginity because they were beaten by their boyfriend. If a survivor wants to mark that as the moment they lost their virginity, then that is totally their choice, but I don't think that should be the 'default' position we as a society take on the matter.

I agree. Rape or molestation isn't sex. I wouldn't even count it as sex. It can take years to heal from sexual abuse. So victims feel shame and guilt which is why relationships &marriage is so much more than virginity and sex.

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Why can't he have been with a woman for more than a year, even if he didn't have sex with her..?!

I read this to mean that Stacie would not date someone who had been with someone sexually within the last year as the next sentence talks about them 'not getting any'.

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Ok, maybe that wasn't the best way to put it but the thing is, I don't know how a girl in that situation feels like, whatever little I've been able to gather from articles & stuff written by women who have been in that situation, they say they felt really scared of men in general (presuming of course, that the rapist(s) was/were male(s)), so much so that they didn't even want their father or brothers to touch them, etc so I don't know if a relationship/marriage is even possible in that situation, it might even seem unreasonable to expect it. I just don't know what to expect & hence the uncertainty.

And, that is what they need to "get over". Of course, they can't just erase the memory but just regaining their trust in men, intimacy, etc. They can't do that until they "let go of their past" & unfortunately, it seems not all such women are able to do that completely. So I just don't know.

Anyway, the point of bringing up the rape situation was that just because I want to marry a virgin doesn't necessarily mean it's the only thing that I care about.

I was sexually assulted. When I was 5. So? Now what.... does that mean I have not waited to have sex for the last nearly 28 years. Does that mean I am incapable of trust or how to love or to be touched? Im not telling you all because I'm looking for a tissue or a pat on the back to tell me it will be alright. Nor am I looking for a soap box to stand on. I just saying not to judge a book by its over. I am a virgin. I like men, I have made out with men... and I liked it very much. I choose not to have sex, yes partly because I was assulted and told myself the next person who touch me will be of my choice. Im not emotionally shut off or hyper sexual. Do I have scars from it of course and your right it will never ever be something I can ever forget... EVER, but though it did take me a while, I now know that not every man is out to harm me, but I can find a meaningful, happy, loving relationship. Just because a girl was harmed doesn't mean she is broken... but cracked and would need a man who can take the time piece her back together, be the that glue to bond them. Sorry but as an advocate for rape victims I felt I had to defend and plea our case.

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I was sexually assulted. When I was 5. So? Now what.... does that mean I have not waited to have sex for the last nearly 28 years. Does that mean I am incapable of trust or how to love or to be touched? Im not telling you all because I'm looking for a tissue or a pat on the back to tell me it will be alright. Nor am I looking for a soap box to stand on. I just saying not to judge a book by its over. I am a virgin. I like men, I have made out with men... and I liked it very much. I choose not to have sex, yes partly because I was assulted and told myself the next person who touch me will be of my choice. Im not emotionally shut off or hyper sexual. Do I have scars from it of course and your right it will never ever be something I can ever forget... EVER, but though it did take me a while, I now know that not every man is out to harm me, but I can find a meaningful, happy, loving relationship. Just because a girl was harmed doesn't mean she is broken... but cracked and would need a man who can take the time piece her back together, be the that glue to bond them. Sorry but as an advocate for rape victims I felt I had to defend and plea our case.

Thank you for this. I actually wasn't sure how to respond, but wanted to, because the comment seemed to genuinely want to sound compassionate. However, it really sounded more judgmental. I did feel as though I, somehow, was damaged and not worthy of marriage because of something I had no control over. The same feeling I felt when a dating site (for virgins) turned me down because I was 'technically' not a virgin. It was not my choice. In fact, at 4 years old, I had no idea what was even happening... and he did it more than once. How am I less of a virgin than someone who was never traumatized in that way? Doesn't the fact that it was not my choice mean anything? YES. I am a virgin. I was 4. It took me a really long time to learn to live with the fact that it happened and that, if I wanted to be able to lead a happy life, I'd have to learn to forgive HIM and allow MYSELF to understand that it wasn't my fault. I wouldn't say that I'm broken. I am no more high maintenance than any other woman, but I may require a little more care. That doesn't change that I have learned (from a few true men in my life) that good men are out there. If I am truly meant to marry someday, then that means there IS someone who will look past that event in my life. He'll look past it and he'll see the strong, loving, caring, intelligent, woman that I am. The rest will be ok with him, because he will love me.

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I was sexually assulted. When I was 5. So? Now what.... does that mean I have not waited to have sex for the last nearly 28 years. Does that mean I am incapable of trust or how to love or to be touched? Im not telling you all because I'm looking for a tissue or a pat on the back to tell me it will be alright. Nor am I looking for a soap box to stand on. I just saying not to judge a book by its over. I am a virgin. I like men, I have made out with men... and I liked it very much. I choose not to have sex, yes partly because I was assulted and told myself the next person who touch me will be of my choice. Im not emotionally shut off or hyper sexual. Do I have scars from it of course and your right it will never ever be something I can ever forget... EVER, but though it did take me a while, I now know that not every man is out to harm me, but I can find a meaningful, happy, loving relationship. Just because a girl was harmed doesn't mean she is broken... but cracked and would need a man who can take the time piece her back together, be the that glue to bond them. Sorry but as an advocate for rape victims I felt I had to defend and plea our case.

 

Thank you for this. I actually wasn't sure how to respond, but wanted to, because the comment seemed to genuinely want to sound compassionate. However, it really sounded more judgmental. I did feel as though I, somehow, was damaged and not worthy of marriage because of something I had no control over. The same feeling I felt when a dating site (for virgins) turned me down because I was 'technically' not a virgin. It was not my choice. In fact, at 4 years old, I had no idea what was even happening... and he did it more than once. How am I less of a virgin than someone who was never traumatized in that way? Doesn't the fact that it was not my choice mean anything? YES. I am a virgin. I was 4. It took me a really long time to learn to live with the fact that it happened and that, if I wanted to be able to lead a happy life, I'd have to learn to forgive HIM and allow MYSELF to understand that it wasn't my fault. I wouldn't say that I'm broken. I am no more high maintenance than any other woman, but I may require a little more care. That doesn't change that I have learned (from a few true men in my life) that good men are out there. If I am truly meant to marry someday, then that means there IS someone who will look past that event in my life. He'll look past it and he'll see the strong, loving, caring, intelligent, woman that I am. The rest will be ok with him, because he will love me.

 

My heart breaks for you both. The fact that you two were able to overcome and not allow an unspeakable crime to control your lives is a testament to your strength. You both are much more gracious than I could ever be, because I don't know if I could ever forgive a cockroach doing something so heinous to a stranger let alone to someone who is close to me. It would take every fiber in my body not to rip these satanic maggots into shreds and burn their remains. Men are supposed to use their strength to protect women, not to hurt them. I know I am sinning for lacking forgiveness in my heart for these people so maybe I'm not so different from those who hurt you two. I suppose I am in need of just as much prayer as they do. All I know is that it greatly hurts me to hear stories like yours and fills my heart with both sorrow and anger. But both of you are inspirations like me and sexual assault victims should look to you two for hope.

 

Let it be known to everyone that the idea of "losing one's virginity" is a misnomer. You can't "lose" your virginity as if it is something that can be misplaced nor can it be stolen. It can only be given away freely.

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My heart breaks for you both. The fact that you two were able to overcome and not allow an unspeakable crime to control your lives is a testament to your strength. You both are much more gracious than I could ever be, because I don't know if I could ever forgive a cockroach doing something so heinous to a stranger let alone to someone who is close to me. It would take every fiber in my body not to rip these satanic maggots into shreds and burn their remains. Men are supposed to use their strength to protect women, not to hurt them. I know I am sinning for lacking forgiveness in my heart for these people so maybe I'm not so different from those who hurt you two. I suppose I am in need of just as much prayer as they do. All I know is that it greatly hurts me to hear stories like yours and fills my heart with both sorrow and anger. But both of you are inspirations like me and sexual assault victims should look to you two for hope.

 

Let it be known to everyone that the idea of "losing one's virginity" is a misnomer. You can't "lose" your virginity as if it is something that can be misplaced nor can it be stolen. It can only be given away freely.

Thank you, and I loved your statement about 'losing one's virginity' not be true, you give it away. Though I don't really see myself as someone people should look to for hope, I am happy when I can be helpful to someone, I do try to be there anytime someone tells me they've been through something like this.

 

I know this topic has been taken a little off course. I do want to say one thing. I don't think that you are 'just as bad' as these people. The fact that you get angry and sad is a natural thing, and forgivable. Forgiveness for something so heinous is not an easy thing to 'do'. I won't say 'give', because it's really not something you give to someone. It's something you do for yourself. It's a perfectly reasonable selfish act. I forgave him for ME. I did it so that I could let the hate go and learn to love. I did it so that I would not become bitter and poison others in my life. I did it because deserved it. Every victim deserves to feel FREE of hate. There aren't too many people in the world who care if you forgive their transgressions, but if you can learn to forgive them you can learn to be happy, and free. Also, it's somthing that doesn't happen over night, or just one time. Sometimes I have to do it daily. Sometimes there are obstacles that we don't even know we have to overcome, and we have to forgive... again. Prayer is a powerful tool... and it's meant to be used... and I tend to use it a lot in my life. I don't think I'd be the person I am today without it... without God.

 

Anyway, I know that was way off subject, I'll be stopping now. :)

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My heart breaks for you both. The fact that you two were able to overcome and not allow an unspeakable crime to control your lives is a testament to your strength. You both are much more gracious than I could ever be, because I don't know if I could ever forgive a cockroach doing something so heinous to a stranger let alone to someone who is close to me. It would take every fiber in my body not to rip these satanic maggots into shreds and burn their remains. Men are supposed to use their strength to protect women, not to hurt them. I know I am sinning for lacking forgiveness in my heart for these people so maybe I'm not so different from those who hurt you two. I suppose I am in need of just as much prayer as they do. All I know is that it greatly hurts me to hear stories like yours and fills my heart with both sorrow and anger. But both of you are inspirations like me and sexual assault victims should look to you two for hope.

Let it be known to everyone that the idea of "losing one's virginity" is a misnomer. You can't "lose" your virginity as if it is something that can be misplaced nor can it be stolen. It can only be given away freely.

Thanks Vince. And trust me, it took me over 20 years to find true forgiveness for what he did. Your feelings are just, and natural. There is in no way I could compare you to him. I too like your quote.

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I really hate people who abuse kids. It makes my blood boil. This is why I don't really agree with this whole virginity thing. Meaning if you're not a virgin your used and nobody wants you, which is what I was taught growing up. I don't agree with it because I feel it just creates shame.

I do understand people have their standards and preferences, however virgin or not it doesn't determines a persons worth. I would like to marry a virgin but being realistic here it might not happen. Marriage is more than just sex and being a virgin.

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I was sexually assulted. When I was 5. So? Now what.... does that mean I have not waited to have sex for the last nearly 28 years. Does that mean I am incapable of trust or how to love or to be touched? Im not telling you all because I'm looking for a tissue or a pat on the back to tell me it will be alright. Nor am I looking for a soap box to stand on. I just saying not to judge a book by its over. I am a virgin. I like men, I have made out with men... and I liked it very much. I choose not to have sex, yes partly because I was assulted and told myself the next person who touch me will be of my choice. Im not emotionally shut off or hyper sexual. Do I have scars from it of course and your right it will never ever be something I can ever forget... EVER, but though it did take me a while, I now know that not every man is out to harm me, but I can find a meaningful, happy, loving relationship. Just because a girl was harmed doesn't mean she is broken... but cracked and would need a man who can take the time piece her back together, be the that glue to bond them. Sorry but as an advocate for rape victims I felt I had to defend and plea our case.

Sorry what you been through. I hate that adults abuse children it makes my blood boil. And I agree with everything you said.

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Ok, maybe that wasn't the best way to put it but the thing is, I don't know how a girl in that situation feels like, whatever little I've been able to gather from articles & stuff written by women who have been in that situation, they say they felt really scared of men in general (presuming of course, that the rapist(s) was/were male(s)), so much so that they didn't even want their father or brothers to touch them, etc so I don't know if a relationship/marriage is even possible in that situation, it might even seem unreasonable to expect it. I just don't know what to expect & hence the uncertainty.

And, that is what they need to "get over". Of course, they can't just erase the memory but just regaining their trust in men, intimacy, etc. They can't do that until they "let go of their past" & unfortunately, it seems not all such women are able to do that completely. So I just don't know.

Anyway, the point of bringing up the rape situation was that just because I want to marry a virgin doesn't necessarily mean it's the only thing that I care about.

A person who is sexual abuse will never be able to let go of their past. They can heal and move on. But they will have to live with their past for the rest of their lives. It's not something they just forget about and let go of.

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The guy I'm dating now is not a virgin, far from it really. But thus far he has been everything I was hoping for. I would be an idiot not to give him a try just because he is like the majority of the people in the world. My choice to wait is for my reason, he is now choosing to wait for his own reason... which is because he wants something more than just sex, he realizes that in the past when he jumped to sex too fast you miss a lot about a person and relationship fails. He is ready for a forever relationship so when he found out I was a virgin he liked the thought because he knew I waited to take it slow too. Who he was with before doesnt matter to me. If we are to make it to the point in our relationship where we were to make love, it will be a 1st both of us. Im a virgin and he has never with one.

 

 

I agree for the most part; it would be foolish to throw away a guy who is sincerely willing to wait with you.  "Sincerely" being the key word.  People can't change their pasts.

 

However, im not gonna lie, i would prefer someone who didnt have a long list of sexual partners....but again, you can't change the past and if dude really does want something so serious and real that he will wait, then that's fine.  Sometimes people want to do something they feel is 'right', but just need the right person or right opportunity to demonstrate it. 

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I have thought this through many times when men, who were not virgins but had become committed waiters, approached me. Some were really nice people but I could not bring myself to enter into a relationship. Since most of them were Christians they almost always quoted 2 Corinthians 5:17 as a reason why I should accept them. I wholeheartedly believe that people can become new creations in Christ but I feel that has nothing to do with why I cannot accept them in any way other than as a brother in Christ. It is not because I think am better than them or that I am judging anyone or that I am an unforgiving person. Call me jealous or naïve or obsessed with virginity; maybe it is just me, but I could never get over the fact that there had been someone other than me, so I never gave them a chance. Yeah, I know, I'll probably die a virgin :).

 

 

I have the exact same opinion about non-virgin women. If she's sorry, I could forgive her, and I don't reject anybody, but there is a big difference between forgiving somebody or caring for somebody, and thinking of them as right for you.

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As a moral waiter and a different faith being a dealbreaker my future partner would also have to be a moral waiter. That being said she may have given away her virginity before conversion. If after conversion, its a bit more complicated since the moral requirement is clear. It raises issues of her spiritual commitment and strength or any tendency towards distorted interpretation. But if the repentance is genuine then I think it would be out of place for me to hold it against her though that wouldn't exactly be easy. Certainly virginity is favoured.

As for sexual abuse...I don't know what the stats are in other countries but here in Australia 1 in 3 girls (and 1 in 6 boys) will be sexually abused before 18!! I agree with the previous posts in that I don't believe it steals their virginity or that they should be ashamed. I know people who have suffered this (including by their own father), it is horrific and I don't intend to belittle it in any way but I do have an issue if the psychological scars that frequently if not always result are not properly addressed. And I apply this standard to any psychological/emotional scaring/problems. There should at least be a willingness to recognise and work on the issues and I consider whoever has worked through it will be the stronger for it. As they say, gold is purified in the furnace and I am willing to do my part to help it along as best I can.

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I could absolutely accept a guy who went from being a non virgin to a waiter. And in all honesty, even if he hadn't ever planned on being a waiter, I would still be okay with that. I expect a good majority of people who I meet to be non-virgins and non-waiters, as the virgins are few and far between. As long as he showed that he loved me enough to wait for me, then I would be okay with it. In all reality, I feel like even this is still very difficult to come across. :/

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