l8dyluck81

Should Men Give Up Porn?

123 posts in this topic

I guess not, if you think that porn isn't dirty or that it's only a problem if it's used too frequently. It is taking an act which was designed by God for the marriage between one man and one woman, and cheapening it into "entertainment". Sex was designed by God so that man and wife would find fulfillment in each other, procreate, strengthen the emotional bond between them, and be better able to resist outside sexual temptations. Porn is designed to consume the desire that is meant for the real person in your life (or the person you could be more motivated to meet if you weren't so busy obtaining sexual release through an artificial facsimile of sex). Porn feeds the fantasy that men should be able to have uncommitted sex whenever they want. Why do you think there are so many frustrated men complaining in Internet forums about not being able to score hot chicks for one night stands? It's in part because they're seeing it on porn sites on the regular and internalizing the view that women are easily procured to be used for sex. Most porn these days doesn't even have a script. It's rare these days to see a true "fantasy" in a porn clip. In contrast to decades past, most porn these days has no plot, no real lines, no "story" beyond the basic premise. In short, there is usually nothing readily apparent that would set up the user to immediately realize it's fake.That makes it much harder to separate what's real from what isn't. Especially since so much is gonzo porn, where the viewer is made to believe that the guys in the film are just randomly encountering women on the street and screwing them.

 

Going into porn may be a choice for some, but that doesn't give people the right to use it. Just as if someone tells you they stole an  expensive stereo and offers to sell it to you cheap, you wouldn't take it because you know it's wrong to accept stolen property. Just as it's wrong to consume pornography, regardless of whether or not there are willing participants. Just cuz they're selling, don't mean you have to buy!

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The problem is, Cookie, that unlike other forms of entertainment, porn is designed to immerse the viewer in the experience. Especially for men, who are much more visually stimulated than women, it is not just a passive activity like watching a movie. The user is actually achieving orgasm while viewing it, which is of course what it's for. The problem with this is that the chemicals released during orgasm are designed to bond people to the person they are experiencing it with. That's how God designed the sexual experience, so a person who uses porn is "bonding" to the porn without any of the benefits of a relationship with a real person. Psychologically, that does have an effect, especially if a person is single. Over time, even with casual use, it can also affect a man's relationship with his wife because by using porn, he isn't focusing all his sexual energy on her. It also tends to make men objectify women and give them unrealistic standards to compare their partner to. This all happens on a subconscious level over time. For most people these effects don't become obvious right away - it can take years before they become apparent. Even people like me, who only used it once a week or so, can feel the negative effects. So if I, as a woman and only an occasional user of softcore porn as an adult, can have that experience, I can only imagine what it does to men who've been viewing porn regularly since they were in their early teens.

I absolutely love how you put this!!!!! I couldn't have said it better myself.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But if a guy understands that porn is fake it shouldn't be a problem. If he is addicted to watching porn that he can't stop that's a different story. Because then he can't separate fantasy and reality. What's the difference between porn and seeing a naked woman on a magazine cover or billboard? What about men who get their rocks off fantasizing about a female celebrity or about a woman he sees at the checkout line? Porn isn't the real thing. It's acting they follow a script. As long as men know this and know their limits it shouldn't cause any harm in future relationships.

Were on here to share in experiences of waiting until marriage, in hopes that we will all one day find our partner in waiting and have sex with them after marriage. With that being said, in what way does watching porn help us achieve our goal? The answer is it doesn't. In fact it distracts us and taints our real life image of what a successful relationship we should have. Other relationships may actually teach us a lot about ourselves, our limits, our differences with others...but they won't necessarily desensitize us. You have people like me who have had person after person to talk to, (I have what's called a codependent love addiction) or others who have relationship after relationship, never finding their true self, but in general relationships are supposed to help us figure out more about ourself or figure out if we're going to marry the person in that relationship. Porn does none of that. Yes lust is in the mind so technically we could even check out someone in person, fantasize, etc etc...I don't want my post getting kicked out LOL. But anyway, porn is playing out those secret wishes in the present, whereas that precious time could be spent bettering our lives and making our way straighter for the future with our future spouse. :)

7 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not only men, but the world as a whole should give up porn. I never understood porn and its force of attraction that it exerts on humanity.

Even if you take sexuality as a normal, healthy and important human feature and desire out of the discussion, I don´t get why somebody would support an industry that does more damage than good in the long run. Abuse, drugs, sextrafficking, STD´s, death, false promises made to desperate men and women.

 

And then on the other side there is the porn consumer, who gets nothing than a short-term gratification out of porn, but contributes to the survival and continuance of the porn industry by consuming the material. And by doing that he/she may also hurt the relationships in his/her life.

Of course, there are differences relative to what kind of porn someone participates in or watches and how often. But that´s not really my point nor does it make anything better...

 

Where is the good that comes from porn? Something worthwile? Something worth fighting for? Something positive and something that makes a valuable and beautiful difference in someone´s world?

I don´t see any good in porn and so far I don´t believe there is. I don´t want porn to be a part of my life - not even a tiny part - that´s why I don´t support it. Porn is disgusting and sad, at once. These are only my thoughts on this matter....I guess, it will always be a topic with very different views and opinions.

*Stands up and Claps*

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Porn is nothing but a fantasy. Everyone are actors and follow a script. I think men who watch porn should know the difference between real and fake. Sex in real life isn't the same sex in porn.

that's the thing about porn that turns me off tho lol they're just acting. there's no passion behind it. I'm latin so I need to see some real passion and porn lacks that for me lol

I know in my mind the people doing it aren't in love (just going through the motions. doing it for the pay cheque) so I get bored by the lack of real connection/passion and my mind just wanders off lol

I find it too animalistic? I guess. watching porn is no different from watching two dogs getting it on at the park. there's no passion, nothing. just going through the motions lol boring as hell for a girl like me that wanna see something real haha

but I'm not a man so that's probably why. I need something more than just the act. lol

sorry this was completely unrelated to the topic lol :P

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

that's the thing about porn that turns me off tho lol they're just acting. there's no passion behind it. I'm latin so I need to see some real passion and porn lacks that for me lol

I know in my mind the people doing it aren't in love (just going through the motions. doing it for the pay cheque) so I get bored by the lack of real connection/passion and my mind just wanders off lol

I find it too animalistic? I guess. watching porn is no different from watching two dogs getting it on at the park. there's no passion, nothing. just going through the motions lol boring as hell for a girl like me that wanna see something real haha

but I'm not a man so that's probably why. I need something more than just the act. lol

sorry this was completely unrelated to the topic lol :P

I find it boring too. I mean I know it's fake. All of it the sex screaming moaning all acting. These people get paid tons of money for it. There's no relationship just like on tv and movies, it's acting. Which is why it doesn't fascinate me at all. I know the real world doesn't work like that

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Can you really prevent a person from having a fantasy? Even without porn people can and will have fantasies. I see porn for what it is fake and acting. Which is why I don't care if people watch it. If a guy is that stupid to think he can bang any women he wants without a relationship then he had problems before he started watching porn.Just like someone said porn is a choice to watch and a choice to participate in. I can't put the blame on porn for ruining relationships, people ruin relationships. If you allow porn to control your view of real life that badly then a person shouldn't be watching it in the first place. Porn is just a product. A product that people choose to buy. I will say that porn does a good job of making sex for a woman look amazing. A guy can just bang her and she will start moaning and have an amazing orgasm, all while a man maintains a 4 hour erection. *rolls eyes* However I know that this is pure bullshit. I also know its all about the $$$. That's not how sex really works. The few times I did come across porn 2 seconds later I turned it off. Not because it's digesting but because it's so fake. I roll me eyes at it. The question is should guys give up porn? It really depends on what guy your asking and dealing with. I not going to say yes or no because each guy has a different outlook on porn. Which is why I look at both sides of the situation. If a guy feels that he can handle watching porn,knows it's not real, knows it's acting, realizes sex and women doesn't work that way, and wants to look at it as entertainment and fantasy then I see nothing wrong with that. If a guy thinks porn is real, thinks he can maintain a 4 hr erection, can't stop watching porn, cant stop thinking about porn, then he shouldn't be watching it in the first place.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've heard of some people/counselors who have recommended porn to improve couples love lives. I would certainly disagree. On the spectrum I would say (and research confirms) its more on the damaging side. I'm sure it wasn't intentional but I dislike the gendered formulation of the OP - while porn consumption is mostly considered a male issue it is increasingly a female one too. Females can be just as addicted to it as males. Also from the previous posts one could be forgiven the impression (but for Invincible's posts) that "porn" is somehow limited to animated clips/movies of people having sex. There is far more to it and simply an exploration of the legal definition of porn vs art vs photography will broaden one's considerations. Ultimately I believe something can be clearly pornographic for someone and not for someone else. Compare the use of nudity in advertising between countries. In australia I have never seen public/tv advertisement containing nudity imagine my surprise in germany when a public transport train pulls up with a completely naked lady pasted on it! At least her crotch was hidden by her legs. Porn is not limited to audio-visual material as such I second Invinsible's position that some romance/erotic novels are the female's equivalent to the male's visual-based porn. Yet the same kind of stigma is certainly not attached to such materials and indeed lauded (consider the Fifty Shades of Gray craze)! Does that excuse male addiction/consumption? No, but it puts things in a bit of a perspective especially considering the issue of hipocracy.

I'd also like to address the readily made assumption that porn is inherently linked with masturbation or ultimately used as a masturbatory aid. This is not necessarily the case.

Regarding the OP's inquiry and the general consensus here that real intimacy is far superior to pornography-masturbation (but then the addict wants what he wants....) I don't think it should be a factor in a healthy and sexually satisfying relationship at least not if it is used to masturbate and thus replace the intimacy that should be shared with the partner (I like the concept executed in some relationships that solo masturbation is not on the table). Certainly porn can be a cause of sexual and emotional dysfunction in the relationship. I am sympathetic towards those faced with a sexless marriage and having done their best resort to porn and soloing as long as that then doesn't become a problem/prevent a turnaround in their together-sexlife.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Can you really prevent a person from having a fantasy? Even without porn people can and will have fantasies. I see porn for what it is fake and acting. Which is why I don't care if people watch it. If a guy is that stupid to think he can bang any women he wants without a relationship then he had problems before he started watching porn.Just like someone said porn is a choice to watch and a choice to participate in. I can't put the blame on porn for ruining relationships, people ruin relationships. If you allow porn to control your view of real life that badly then a person shouldn't be watching it in the first place. Porn is just a product. A product that people choose to buy. I will say that porn does a good job of making sex for a woman look amazing. A guy can just bang her and she will start moaning and have an amazing orgasm, all while a man maintains a 4 hour erection. *rolls eyes* However I know that this is pure bullshit. I also know its all about the $$$. That's not how sex really works. The few times I did come across porn 2 seconds later I turned it off. Not because it's digesting but because it's so fake. I roll me eyes at it. The question is should guys give up porn? It really depends on what guy your asking and dealing with. I not going to say yes or no because each guy has a different outlook on porn. Which is why I look at both sides of the situation. If a guy feels that he can handle watching porn,knows it's not real, knows it's acting, realizes sex and women doesn't work that way, and wants to look at it as entertainment and fantasy then I see nothing wrong with that. If a guy thinks porn is real, thinks he can maintain a 4 hr erection, can't stop watching porn, cant stop thinking about porn, then he shouldn't be watching it in the first place.

I think you're coming from a perspective of "What can we control?" You're absolutely right, you can't control a fantasy or what anyone does...but were saying control the mind and you don't have a problem, with porn or with fantasies. It's not about what you can or can't control though. Porn us merely a byproduct of fantasizing, but without producing an image from imagination or memory.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just from a newbie perspective, who used to watch hours of the stuff. Although it looks great in the moment, it really does reduce girls/guys to mere objects. Like the most crude animals you will ever meet, loveless passionless, and as a guy anyway all I would judge a girl was by her "assets", even though most are fake in that industry anyway. It is so addictive!, even though I know longer think girls are just objects, they are so much more than what that industry could ever portray them as!, and I am grateful to the man above to pointing that out for me. It is still sometimes difficult to control thinking about entering the websites. It's not nice, and it can really screw up your view of women, trust me I know.  :unsure:

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Speaking as a happily married man who saved sex for marriage I have some views. I have been a porn watcher for umm yeah, since the internet was fast enough to send pictures over it. I will agree that there is a lot of porn out there that is degrading, disgusting, and horrible in general. But there are horrible books, movies, video games, and examples from every type of media that reflect the worst things in society. Just because there are horrible types of porn doesn't condemn all images and video of sex.

 

I think that porn is like alcohol. It's not for everyone and it can definitely be abused. However, intelligent adults can use it recreationally with no ill effects if they are responsible about it. It shouldn't be used to replace a real relationship. It shouldn't be hidden or lied about to a partner. It can never be a justification for objectifying men, women, or any person at all.

 

If one chooses to watch normal porn where people aren't abused and are titillated by the idea or the images of people having sex, I believe that is a very natural thing for most people. What isn't natural is using that as a substitute for a real relationship or using it as an outlet for thoughts of violence or oppression.

I have to admit, finding decent porn is difficult at times. Often the fake sounds and swearing are too much to handle and mute is a good option. Society in general has a long list of degrading things that people partake in. But at some point as a society we need to examine why disgusting, degrading, and other horrible porn exists. The porn is a symptom of horrible thoughts, not the cause. Normal people don't watch horrible things and become horrible. Horrible people make horrible things that they enjoy watching.

As to why porn and/or masturbation would be necessary or prudent in a relationship should be obvious. Because sex drives between compatible adults don't necessarily align perfectly in frequency, schedule, or circumstance. Masturbation is a good, safe, clean, fun outlet for sexual energy when a partner is unavailable, unable, or unwilling to participate in sexual activities. Even better, masturbation allows a person to explore themselves in a comfortable environment which can allow better communication and performance with their partner in sexual activities. If porn aids in that and both parties are aware of it, then I don't see a problem with its use.

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, men need to give up porn. It is sexual, but without a personal relationship, and therefore degrading.

 

It is good to apply the following maxim: Treat others like a good decent person would want to be treated. If it is well, then this can be reformulated into: Treat others like you want to be treated yourself. This is also called the golden rule. Let's see what follows if this is applied to the persons displayed in porn. If they are currently decent, maybe currently married, they would severely regret having participated in the production of porn. They would desire that the porn pictures or movies of them were never made. They would wish that the websites where they are currently still displayed indecently, are never again visited. They would wish the magazines where they are displayed in, are never again bought or looked in. They would wish that, if they were displayed naked on a huge billboard at street A, people would take a detour through street B. They would wish that the owner of the billboard would send men to remove the image from the billboard. They would wish that these workmen would walk towards it without seeing it, if needed with their head turned the other direction, not because they have evil lust (because they don't have it), but to respect the privacy of the person depicted, who has become decent, and now severely regrets it. When everyone has destroyed all porn items that they own of them, they would wish that those who have watched the porn previously, would no longer dwell upon the memory of it in their mind. Acting like this is what I would call behaving like ladies and gentlemen. Honor them more than they honor themselves.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, men need to give up porn. It is sexual, but without a personal relationship, and therefore degrading.

 

It is good to apply the following maxim: Treat others like a good decent person would want to be treated. If it is well, then this can be reformulated into: Treat others like you want to be treated yourself. This is also called the golden rule. Let's see what follows if this is applied to the persons displayed in porn. If they are currently decent, maybe currently married, they would severely regret having participated in the production of porn. They would desire that the porn pictures or movies of them were never made. They would wish that the websites where they are currently still displayed indecently, are never again visited. They would wish the magazines where they are displayed in, are never again bought or looked in. They would wish that, if they were displayed naked on a huge billboard at street A, people would take a detour through street B. They would wish that the owner of the billboard would send men to remove the image from the billboard. They would wish that these workmen would walk towards it without seeing it, if needed with their head turned the other direction, not because they have evil lust (because they don't have it), but to respect the privacy of the person depicted, who has become decent, and now severely regrets it. When everyone has destroyed all porn items that they own of them, they would wish that those who have watched the porn previously, would no longer dwell upon the memory of it in their mind. Acting like this is what I would call behaving like ladies and gentlemen. Honor them more than they honor themselves.

You've made a lot of assumptions here. The biggest ones being that everyone who did porn and then stopped regrets it, and that if they are decent they will regret it.

There are plenty of people in this world who have no real problem with others seeing them naked. The human body is not some sacred thing that must be hidden from view at all times, it's a normal thing that literally everyone has. The fact that people are squicked out by the sight of normal human bodies is a product of our society that we should be working to fix.

Anyways not all porn actors/actresses regret working in the industry or creating porn. There are plenty of sites on the internet where people can and do go to post pictures of themselves naked for sexual or non-sexual reasons. I am sure some of them regret it and if they do they can contact the admins and have their pictures taken off. But I am equally sure that some will never regret it and are proud of the body they had and chose to display at the time.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 If they are currently decent, maybe currently married, they would severely regret having participated in the production of porn. 

The assumption that only decent people are ashamed of sex is not valid for much of the population. Assuming that everyone thinks or should think the way you do is more offensive to me than recording and broadcasting natural acts. Your assumptions hurt your argument. There are plenty of people out there who choose to do porn, enjoy doing porn, and are frank about discussions of porn. Your worldview is one where people only do porn if they are desperate, abused, deprived, or forced. While that may be true in some cases, it does not discount the entirety of the genre.

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, men need to give up porn. It is sexual, but without a personal relationship, and therefore degrading.

 

It is good to apply the following maxim: Treat others like a good decent person would want to be treated. If it is well, then this can be reformulated into: Treat others like you want to be treated yourself. This is also called the golden rule. Let's see what follows if this is applied to the persons displayed in porn. If they are currently decent, maybe currently married, they would severely regret having participated in the production of porn. They would desire that the porn pictures or movies of them were never made. They would wish that the websites where they are currently still displayed indecently, are never again visited. They would wish the magazines where they are displayed in, are never again bought or looked in. They would wish that, if they were displayed naked on a huge billboard at street A, people would take a detour through street B. They would wish that the owner of the billboard would send men to remove the image from the billboard. They would wish that these workmen would walk towards it without seeing it, if needed with their head turned the other direction, not because they have evil lust (because they don't have it), but to respect the privacy of the person depicted, who has become decent, and now severely regrets it. When everyone has destroyed all porn items that they own of them, they would wish that those who have watched the porn previously, would no longer dwell upon the memory of it in their mind. Acting like this is what I would call behaving like ladies and gentlemen. Honor them more than they honor themselves.

I agree, perhaps you would enjoy reading about Shelly Lubben. As an ex porn star I think she knows what she is talking about. She is know a staunch anti porn advocate.

 

https://www.youtube....SQBCCZ5wQ#t=459

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I found this and thought some of you would like it. 

 

"Dear Dad,

I want to let you know first of all that I love you and forgive you for what this has done in my life. I also wanted to let you know exactly what your porn use has done to my life. You may think that this effects only you, or even your and mom’s relationships. But it has had a profound impact on me and all of my siblings as well.

I found your porn on the computer somewhere around the age of 12 or so, just when I was starting to become a young woman. First of all, it seemed very hypocritical to me that you were trying to teach me the value of what to let into my mind in terms of movies, yet here you were entertaining your mind with this junk on a regular basis. Your talks to me about being careful with what I watched meant virtually nothing.

Because of pornography, I was aware that mom was not the only woman you were looking at. I became acutely aware of your wandering eye when we were out and about. This taught me that all men have a wandering eye and can’t be trusted. I learned to distrust and even dislike men for the way they perceived women in this way.

As far as modesty goes, you tried to talk with me about how my dress affects those around me and how I should value myself for what I am on the inside. Your actions however told me that I would only ever truly be beautiful and accepted if I looked like the women on magazine covers or in porn. Your talks with me meant nothing and in fact, just made me angry.

As I grew older, I only had this message reinforced by the culture we live in. That beauty is something that can only be achieved if you look like “themâ€. I also learned to trust you less and less as what you told me didn’t line up with what you did. I wondered more and more if I would ever find a man who would accept me and love me for me and not just a pretty face.

When I had friends over, I wondered how you perceived them. Did you see them as my friends, or did you see them as a pretty face in one of your fantasies? No girl should ever have to wonder that about the man who is supposed to be protecting her and other women in her life.

I did meet a man. One of the first things I asked him about was his struggle with pornography. I’m thankful to God that it is something that hasn’t had a grip on his life. We still have had struggles because of the deep-rooted distrust in my heart for men. Yes, your porn watching has affected my relationship with my husband years later.

If I could tell you one thing, it would be this: Porn didn’t just affect your life; it affected everyone around you in ways I don’t think you can ever realize. It still affects me to this day as I realize the hold that it has on our society. I dread the day when I have to talk with my sweet little boy about pornography and its far-reaching greedy hands. When I tell him about how pornography, like most sins, affects far more than just us.

Like, I said, I have forgiven you. I am so thankful for the work that God has done in my life in this area. It is an area that I still struggle with from time to time, but I am thankful for God’s grace and also my husband’s. I do pray that you are past this and that the many men who struggle with this will have their eyes opened.

Love, Your Daughter"

 

http://www.faithit.com/an-open-letter-to-the-dad-looking-at-porn/

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I found this and thought some of you would like it. 

 

"Dear Dad,

I want to let you know first of all that I love you and forgive you for what this has done in my life. I also wanted to let you know exactly what your porn use has done to my life. You may think that this effects only you, or even your and mom’s relationships. But it has had a profound impact on me and all of my siblings as well.

I found your porn on the computer somewhere around the age of 12 or so, just when I was starting to become a young woman. First of all, it seemed very hypocritical to me that you were trying to teach me the value of what to let into my mind in terms of movies, yet here you were entertaining your mind with this junk on a regular basis. Your talks to me about being careful with what I watched meant virtually nothing.

Because of pornography, I was aware that mom was not the only woman you were looking at. I became acutely aware of your wandering eye when we were out and about. This taught me that all men have a wandering eye and can’t be trusted. I learned to distrust and even dislike men for the way they perceived women in this way.

As far as modesty goes, you tried to talk with me about how my dress affects those around me and how I should value myself for what I am on the inside. Your actions however told me that I would only ever truly be beautiful and accepted if I looked like the women on magazine covers or in porn. Your talks with me meant nothing and in fact, just made me angry.

As I grew older, I only had this message reinforced by the culture we live in. That beauty is something that can only be achieved if you look like “them”. I also learned to trust you less and less as what you told me didn’t line up with what you did. I wondered more and more if I would ever find a man who would accept me and love me for me and not just a pretty face.

When I had friends over, I wondered how you perceived them. Did you see them as my friends, or did you see them as a pretty face in one of your fantasies? No girl should ever have to wonder that about the man who is supposed to be protecting her and other women in her life.

I did meet a man. One of the first things I asked him about was his struggle with pornography. I’m thankful to God that it is something that hasn’t had a grip on his life. We still have had struggles because of the deep-rooted distrust in my heart for men. Yes, your porn watching has affected my relationship with my husband years later.

If I could tell you one thing, it would be this: Porn didn’t just affect your life; it affected everyone around you in ways I don’t think you can ever realize. It still affects me to this day as I realize the hold that it has on our society. I dread the day when I have to talk with my sweet little boy about pornography and its far-reaching greedy hands. When I tell him about how pornography, like most sins, affects far more than just us.

Like, I said, I have forgiven you. I am so thankful for the work that God has done in my life in this area. It is an area that I still struggle with from time to time, but I am thankful for God’s grace and also my husband’s. I do pray that you are past this and that the many men who struggle with this will have their eyes opened.

Love, Your Daughter"

 

http://www.faithit.com/an-open-letter-to-the-dad-looking-at-porn/

 

That's a really sad story. I don't think it disparages porn use though. I think the damage done to this woman likely has more to do with the perception of porn and sexuality she was raised to have and the hypocrisy she perceived in her father. If he was preaching against things like pornography, then I can see, to an extent, placing some her mistrust of men on her father's shoulders. But if he wasn't being hypocritical, then I think that's unfair. 

 

Because of pornography, I was aware that mom was not the only woman you were looking at. I became acutely aware of your wandering eye when we were out and about. This taught me that all men have a wandering eye and can’t be trusted. I learned to distrust and even dislike men for the way they perceived women in this way.

 

She may have learned this, but I don't see how that conclusion follows from "all men have a wandering eye". She was just a girl, though, and she can't be blamed for how she interpreted things based on the information she was provided. Again, I just think that the damage done to her perception of men was likely due to factors other than her father using porn, in and of itself. Yes, men have a wandering eye (that's automatically bad why?). I don't know of an exception. But that doesn't mean no man can be trusted. I discovered porn when I was 11 or 12, and admit I still watch it. When I was younger, I discovered that at least one other male in my family had looked at porn, and it didn't cause me to mistrust any of them. I didn't think that my dad, if it were him, would cheat on my mom or even think about it; I still believed that my brother was WTM, simply because he said so and I trusted him. I understood that watching porn wouldn't turn them into unpredictable deviants and that it didn't negate their moral integrity.  Pretty much the only effect that discovery had on me was showing me that maybe I was more normal and less shitty than I thought. Granted, I'm a male and was watching porn myself, so maybe none of that means anything.

 

I want to emphasize that I'm not arguing for porn, I just had some thoughts on that letter.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Men should do whatever they please and if they enjoy porn they should be able to do that. There shouldn't be a group of people questioning what some other person should or should not do. Everyone has free will and the ability to choose. Porn being "bad" is a matter of opinion just like whether God is real or not or whether something else is good or bad.

It's all just opinions, but when it comes to porn I see it's pros and cons and whether men in general should give it up is up to them and not women or other men. It all comes down to what the individual wants.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a really sad story. I don't think it disparages porn use necessarily though. I think the damage done to this woman likely has more to do with the perception of porn and sexuality she was raised to have and the hypocrisy she perceived in her father. If he was preaching against things like pornography, then I can see, to an extent, placing her mistrust of men on her father's shoulders. But if he wasn't being hypocritical, then I think that's a bit unfair. 

 

She may have learned this, but I don't see how that conclusion follows from "all men have a wandering eye". She was just a girl, though, and she can't be blamed for how she interpreted things based on the information she was provided. Again, I just think that the damage done to her perception of men was likely due to factors other than her father using porn, in and of itself.

 

I liked the letter because I could see a lot of my own experience in it. I would agree that there are other likely other factors in play, but I can also promise that being a 10-13 year old girl and discovering that your father has a porn problem *really* doesn't help matters. Like you said, children can't be blamed for drawing certain not-totally-logical conclusions from exposure to that information.

 

I would agree that it isn't an indictment against porn necessarily, but rather against being so careless with porn use that one's young daughter is able to find it.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I liked the letter because I could see a lot of my own experience in it. I would agree that there are other likely other factors in play, but I can also promise that being a 10-13 year old girl and discovering that your father has a porn problem *really* doesn't help matters. Like you said, children can't be blamed for drawing certain not-totally-logical conclusions from exposure to that information.

I would agree that it isn't an indictment against porn necessarily, but rather against being so careless with porn use that one's young daughter is able to find it.

Completely agree

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I liked the letter because I could see a lot of my own experience in it. I would agree that there are other likely other factors in play, but I can also promise that being a 10-13 year old girl and discovering that your father has a porn problem *really* doesn't help matters. Like you said, children can't be blamed for drawing certain not-totally-logical conclusions from exposure to that information.

 

I would agree that it isn't an indictment against porn necessarily, but rather against being so careless with porn use that one's young daughter is able to find it.

Yeah, I can find no reason that a father would be so careless as to leave his porn in a place that his kids would find it. It's the same as keeping knives out of reach of younger children and hiding the cookies. These things are not suitable for children that age, or (in the case of porn) it's not suitable for them to know their parents use it. While I am of the opinion that it's fine for kids to look stuff up online, they don't need to know whether or not their parents do so too.

This message though sounds like there's a lot more wrong than just her finding her daddy's porn stash. I don't see how her finding that her daddy looks at porn translates into a complete loss of faith in her daddy and all men forever without other psychological issues being at play. I would really hate to be her son when she decides to give him those talks.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have not read all of the comments on this. However, I believe men should give it up. I believe we should try to not start in the first place. I also believe women shouldn't read books like 50 shades of grey. When we see these things we start to want them in real life. I wouldn't want to compare my wife to a porn star and I wouldn't want my wife to think she has to do the porn star stunts in order for me to want her. When women watch movies like the notebook and say to their husband why can't you be romantic like that. It probably gets annoying. It's like constantly being told you're not good enough. I agree that if you are asking your spouse to do something they should try unless it is wrong. such as killing someone. However porn works the same way. Every time you watch porn you think wow I would like to try that or wow she's hot. I think porn is a form of adultery. You are going outside the marriage for sexual pleasure. I think that if you watch porn it slowly gets worse and you look for that next high. I watched the video Buster posted on here, and I agree with it. Also I wouldn't want to use it to spice up my sex life. I wouldn't want my wife to feel like I'm comparing her to the porn star. Just like I wouldn't want to be compared to an NFL player. Plus I want to be the one who gets my wife sexually aroused and I want my wife to do the same for me. Sorry I got off topic with the notebook and stuff. I just tried to give examples and tie it all together. Also I do believe married couples should try things out. I just think they should do those things with each other. Get a book that tells you new ways to have sex. You don't need to watch others do it to try it yourself.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have not read all of the comments on this. However, I believe men should give it up. I believe we should try to not start in the first place. I also believe women shouldn't read books like 50 shades of grey. When we see these things we start to want them in real life. I wouldn't want to compare my wife to a porn star and I wouldn't want my wife to think she has to do the porn star stunts in order for me to want her. When women watch movies like the notebook and say to their husband why can't you be romantic like that. It probably gets annoying. It's like constantly being told you're not good enough. I agree that if you are asking your spouse to do something they should try unless it is wrong. such as killing someone. However porn works the same way. Every time you watch porn you think wow I would like to try that or wow she's hot. I think porn is a form of adultery. You are going outside the marriage for sexual pleasure. I think that if you watch porn it slowly gets worse and you look for that next high. I watched the video Buster posted on here, and I agree with it. Also I wouldn't want to use it to spice up my sex life. I wouldn't want my wife to feel like I'm comparing her to the porn star. Just like I wouldn't want to be compared to an NFL player. Plus I want to be the one who gets my wife sexually aroused and I want my wife to do the same for me. Sorry I got off topic with the notebook and stuff. I just tried to give examples and tie it all together. Also I do believe married couples should try things out. I just think the should do those things with each other. Get a book that tells you new ways to have sex. You don't need to watch others do it to try it yourself.

 

I'm a little confused by what exactly you are and aren't advocating for. You start off by advocating for men to quit visual porn, and for women to quit word-porn (50 Shades), so that makes sense to me. But then you say that women watching non-pornographic romances like The Notebook could also lead to feelings of inadequacy in the marriage, and mention not wanting to be compared to an NFL player (who participate in a non-pornographic sport) as a parallel for women not wanting to be compared to porn stars.

 

The bit at the end about getting a book to help you experiment is also a little confusing to me. One could argue that 50 Shades of Grey has been that type of a book for many married couples. After-all, Ana and Christian aren't real people, so reading that book isn't really the same as watching other people do it. Instead, it seems to have helped give people a few ideas for what to try out on their spouse. (Not that I think this is a good thing, because those books are really messed up....) Conversely, more 'analytical' sex advice books often do have graphic photos of real people engaging in various sex acts, for the purposes of providing clear instructions.

 

I'm not trying to rag on you or anything (I'm pretty sure I agree with most of what you're saying), just trying to get a better picture of what types of media you are or aren't advocating abstaining from.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I said I don't want to be compared to an NFL player I meant being as athletic. For example a lot of girls think Tim Tebow is attractive. Guys don't want to hear how their wife thinks another man is attractive. So when a guy is watching a porn video, he has to be attracted to the star of the video because if he's not, there is no point. So I meant I didn't want my future wife to feel insecure physically. Also what I meant about the notebook was that when you say your spouse should be more like that, It can make them insecure emotionally. If you have someone who loves you, they are already trying to make you happy. They don't want to hear that they need to be as good as someone else. If you would like to have your spouse do something more tell them, but I don't think it is right to compare them. Everybody has their ups and downs. No one is better than anyone else as a whole. Someone may be better at a certain thing, but no one is better at everything. I used the notebook as an example that was non porn related so more people would understand what I was trying to say. A lot of people have to realize that porn is not real sex. People don't do that. I read an article from a former porn star once and she explained that. So when you watch porn and say wow honey lets do this, you are holding your spouse to an almost impossible standard. Just like when people watch the notebook. Most guys aren't that romantic, this character was created just to be romantic. The creators of these movies, both pornographic and not, Perfect the words and movements of these actors way before we ever see it. As for the books. I was talking about getting a instruction book. I'm sure they have some with less graphic photos. The difference between 50 shades and an instructional book are that the instructions are to teach you new ways to have sex. You aren't getting emotionally attached to the pictures in it, you are only supposed to use them as a guide. Which is also another reason I believe books like 50 shades are bad. You not only imagine being in the sexual situations, but also the emotional. I think that to a lot of people that can be very dangerous to a relationship. If I ever have to explain anything better just ask. I'm sorry for not being more clear. If there is anything else that you would like me to try to clear up about what I've said please ask.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now