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TroubleMaker

Pursuing a Girl/Woman

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Hello everyone (especially ladies),
I have a question that perplexes me to my core.

What does it mean to pursue a woman?
How do you start?
Is there a point where you should just stop?
Is this question ridiculous?
I have reasoned that I will probably met my future wife in a church/religious setting and my older sister(very religious) says that a man should pursue a woman.
I thought about asking this in the guys sections but realized girls/women would have the best understanding of this.
Also, married denizens, how did you pursue or get pursued by your spouse?

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I don't think this is a ridiculous question.

 

Had to think hard about this one, because it is something that is talked about quite a bit, but is not often defined. I think it's different for many people. 

 

In my view, when a man pursues a woman, he lets her know that he is interested, and makes effort to put himself in her way so that she can't ignore him. If she is interested in him, she will usually respond in kind. Now, sometimes there is a fine line between you making a woman feel like you are pursuing her, or that you're harassing her, but it really depends on the woman (sorry, not very helpful, I know)

 

Starting would be getting to know her, making her notice you (usually by being a good listener and remembering the things she says, though that's what I prefer, many choose a more obnoxious route :P), calling her, making effort to spend time with her, and most important of all, actually doing what you say you're going to do.  

 

As for when you should stop…I think if she lets you know that she is not interested in you in that way, whether verbally or not…probably a good time to back off. I have been pursued by a few guys, but I haven't been interested in any of them, and when they realize that, they move on. Usually. And I respect that.

 

I am definitely more of a conservative person, and I love the idea of being pursued. I don't think it's wrong for a woman to initiate, but if I initiate I would expect someone who is interested in me to begin the pursuit! Many of the married women I know were pursued by their husbands, and often it was during that time that they "fell in love" or whatever you want to call it, not right away.

 

After that, I don't think the pursuit ever stops...

 

Just my two cents! 

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My husband and I met online, via OKCupid, but he did pursue me, just in a very modern way!

 

My profile showed up under his potential matches in his geographic area, and he checked it out. We had a 96% match, my profile was detailed, well-written, and free from grammatical errors, and I answered a question about saving sex for marriage. So he wrote me a long and clever first message. I responded in kind. We wrote back and forth for several weeks, and he quickly asked me out. The only delay in our first date was finding a day/time that worked for both of us. We went on several dates, but we didn't have much time, because I was just in that city/state for a summer internship. Then I moved to New York, quite far away.

 

But he continued to pursue me by keeping in touch with me via IM, email, Facebook, text messaging, phone calls, and Skype. When he realized he wanted to be exclusive with me, even if we weren't going to see each other for possibly months, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

All of this could be done in person if you meet women the old-fashioned way and don't have to deal with a long-distance relationship. Reading online profiles and exchanging messages = taking the time to get to know someone casually, in low-pressure situations like parties or church or other social gatherings. If you get along well, ask her on a date. Be clear about your intentions. No one likes to be tricked into a date. (Yes, this has happened to me. I thought it was a friends-thing, and it was a date). Also, if she likes you, she wants to know that you like her. A friend of mine complained recently that guys are too ambiguous about plans, and she wishes they would be clear if it's a date or not. She might say no, and if she does, respect her wishes. But if she says YES, woohoo!

 

So I've discovered that dating rituals can be different depending on where you live. Ask your sister and your friends what's normal for where you live. Dinner makes a good first date, IMHO. I picked two restaurants that were near my apartment and let my now-husband choose between them. They both had extensive menus with reasonably-priced items. As a feminist, I've personally never felt really comfortable with other people buying me drinks or food, but I've learned to graciously accept when people offer and insist. It's easier for me if I can choose a dish that I would feel comfortable paying for myself, if that makes sense. So a restaurant where she wouldn't feel guilty or extravagant with you buying her dinner is good. Local restaurants are better than chains, but depending on where you live, you might not have much of a choice.

 

Also with the dating rituals... Some people go on several dates before they decide to become exclusive, which is what my husband and I did. Other people spend a lot of time together, not on dates, just as friends, until they decide to be in a relationship. So that's something you should find out from your sister/friends, to see which is more common where you live.

 

Sorry if this is all over the place... I typed it up in-between doing stuff at work. :)

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My boyfriend and I were friends first. After about a year of being friends, he asked me to prom (we were 16, lol) and I said yes! We became 'Facebook official' about two or three weeks after that, but I think that was really just a matter of waiting for one of us to get the courage to ask. Since we were friends first, I guess he didn't do much in the way of pursuing. He did pay for dinners and such for the first 3 or 4 months, after which we started either splitting the bill or, more often, trading off paying for dinners.

 

I think that one should stop pursing if they get rejected, the other person always seems to be 'busy,' or their texts/ims go continuously unanswered.

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Now, sometimes there is a fine line between you making a woman feel like you are pursuing her, or that you're harassing her, but it really depends on the woman 

 

No, it depends on the man (and how handsome he is).  ;)

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This may seem weird to ask
but what if you have been pursuing a girl/woman and she has been interested but then you decide to stop pursuing .

I feel like this may a lot for me in future because I want a Spotless Bride (even though I had 1 partner)
I might be interested in the beginning but then if I were to come to find out that they aren't... what I'm looking for then how does a guy/man end the pursuit the best way possible?

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No, it depends on the man (and how handsome he is).  ;)

Haha, you got me, Johnny! Yes sadly, that is a factor, the perceived handsomeness of the pursuer by the pursued.

 

This may seem weird to ask

but what if you have been pursuing a girl/woman and she has been interested but then you decide to stop pursuing .

I feel like this may a lot for me in future because I want a Spotless Bride (even though I had 1 partner)

I might be interested in the beginning but then if I were to come to find out that they aren't... what I'm looking for then how does a guy/man end the pursuit the best way possible?

 

Then you just stop. That kind of thing happens all the time, but be prepared to explain yourself if she doesn't understand why…and wants to know for some reason. It depends on how far along you are, but if she is not interested in you, she probably won't be too worried about it. You don't have to have a grand thing to end it.

 

If she is interested in you, however, you may need to have a talk, and it probably won't be pretty. 

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This may seem weird to ask

but what if you have been pursuing a girl/woman and she has been interested but then you decide to stop pursuing .

I feel like this may a lot for me in future because I want a Spotless Bride (even though I had 1 partner)

I might be interested in the beginning but then if I were to come to find out that they aren't... what I'm looking for then how does a guy/man end the pursuit the best way possible?

 

So what I'm getting out of this is that you're not a virgin yourself, you've engaged in relations with one person before, but if you were to find out that the woman you were with had gone the exact same route you had, she's all of a sudden not good enough for you? Please tell me that isn't what you're saying... it's a completely different story if you want to stop pursuing someone who's had a large number of partners when you've only had one, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Nor do I see anything wrong with a virgin only wanting to marry a virgin. But to say that you only want a woman with a clean slate when you don't have one yourself, I find completely wrong.

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So what I'm getting out of this is that you're not a virgin yourself, you've engaged in relations with one person before, but if you were to find out that the woman you were with had gone the exact same route you had, she's all of a sudden not good enough for you? Please tell me that isn't what you're saying... it's a completely different story if you want to stop pursuing someone who's had a large number of partners when you've only had one, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Nor do I see anything wrong with a virgin only wanting to marry a virgin. But to say that you only want a woman with a clean slate when you don't have one yourself, I find completely wrong.

 

It really, really is!  Personally, I decided to wait after having one long-term partner (long, long ago).  When I met my current girlfriend, I didn't know her background.  All I knew is that she's modest, reserved and didn't jump on me after the first few dates (nor did I!).  Knowing little else about her history, that was definitely good enough for me - so long as she was willing to wait.

Turns out, she's a waiter!  I didn't expect virginity, but I'll confess to being relieved when she told me (most guys cut and run at that point, so I think she was quite surprised when she saw I was relieved).  All I want is somebody with similar values.  Their past matters little compared to that.

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So what I'm getting out of this is that you're not a virgin yourself, you've engaged in relations with one person before, but if you were to find out that the woman you were with had gone the exact same route you had, she's all of a sudden not good enough for you? Please tell me that isn't what you're saying... it's a completely different story if you want to stop pursuing someone who's had a large number of partners when you've only had one, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Nor do I see anything wrong with a virgin only wanting to marry a virgin. But to say that you only want a woman with a clean slate when you don't have one yourself, I find completely wrong.

 

While I can't relate to him since I've not had partners, I honestly don't think it's wrong

 

If he has changed his ways, and he now determines he wants to marry a virgin, then so what? IF he's not currently holding to such values, I would personally consider it problematic. That is, if he would sleep with someone he's not fully committed to marrying maintaining the plan on marrying a virgin someday.

 

I think too much value is put on what someone is looking for and not enough value is put on what really matters: How the person treats their significant other once they find them. That's the hard part. But one's deal-breakers say little or nothing about the quality of the person in my opinion, unless they currently sleep around and then intend on finding someone who hasn't in the future. That would speak of who they are.

 

All that said, I do think that... as WNY has said before, that those who have had no sex in the past are more justified to pursue and have a virgin as a spouse. But I do not agree that it's morally wrong for someone who has had sex in the past to have virginity as a deal-breaker. Just like I do not see any problems with someone who isn't particularly attractive having a deal-breaker of only being with someone who is really, really hot. If that's their deal, so what?

 

I'm just very very non-judgmental when it comes to what people want in a partner because I think it amounts to very little if anything (except for the kind of example I cited above).

 

What I am absolutely judgmental about, and in an unapologetic way, is how the person treaters their partner once they find what they are looking for. That, I'm very judgmental of and that's the thing that's hard to do: To be a good, loving, faithful spouse.

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AllishaG, I just don't want to die 
 

Jay

My woman had a past before me and I’d held myself for her. She couldn’t do the same for me, so it crushed me.
Nothing eases the pain so I’m just waiting out the rest of my time in hope that I don’t live past forty.

^ That comes from the 

The 5 Secrets to Dating Somebody Who’s Had Sex Before 

article and I want to live well past 40 years old. I don't want to wish death upon myself.



HOWEVER
I think we should get on to the question though
Pursuing

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AllishaG, I just don't want to die 

 

Jay

My woman had a past before me and I’d held myself for her. She couldn’t do the same for me, so it crushed me.

Nothing eases the pain so I’m just waiting out the rest of my time in hope that I don’t live past forty.

^ That comes from the 

The 5 Secrets to Dating Somebody Who’s Had Sex Before 

article and I want to live well past 40 years old. I don't want to wish death upon myself.

HOWEVER

I think we should get on to the question though

Pursuing

 

I wasn't planning on jumping into this conversation, but...you're totally fine wishing that feeling on your future wife? If you're a non-virgin who is intent on marrying a virgin, you are, by definition, also intent on putting your future wife in exactly that person's unhappy position. In my opinion, it's hypocritical to be broken hearted about the idea of your future spouse potentially having the same level of sexual experience as you do.

 

(Though that poster's reaction seems extreme and indicative of a need for counseling, and I'm saying that as someone who was a virgin-intent-on-being-with-another-virgin. Unless said spouse actively lied, which would be worse than the past itself, it's not like you don't know what you're getting yourself into anyway. At that point it's not fair to hold an unchangeable aspect of your spouse against them for the rest of your lives.)

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I wasn't planning on jumping into this conversation, but...you're totally fine wishing that feeling on your future wife? If you're a non-virgin who is intent on marrying a virgin, you are, by definition, also intent on putting your future wife in exactly that person's unhappy position. In my opinion, it's hypocritical to be broken hearted about the idea of your future spouse potentially having the same level of sexual experience as you do.

 

(Though that poster's reaction seems extreme and indicative of a need for counseling, and I'm saying that as someone who was a virgin-intent-on-being-with-another-virgin. Unless said spouse actively lied, which would be worse than the past itself, it's not like you don't know what you're getting yourself into anyway. At that point it's not fair to hold an unchangeable aspect of your spouse against them for the rest of your lives.)

 

I personally don't see it this way because I feel that in practice it's more complicated than this.

 

Your sentiment would only hold true if the virgin girl he pursues is sensitive to him having had one partner. If she is, then I agree with your sentiment. But if she is like many girl's, and while she wouldn't be thrilled with it, it wouldn't cause her anywhere near the heartache it causes him, then what you say by definition isn't true. She may indeed see that what he brings to the table is of such significance, that she would happily overlook his past on account to what she's getting in return. Furthermore, truth of the matter is, most girl's who are virgins, but don't have virginity as a deal-breaker, are going to end up with non-virgins anyways.

 

I totally understand where everyone's coming from that maintain's it's wrong. But I personally don't see it that way.

 

However, I must admit, especially if he got what he was looking for, if he wasn't a truly quality boyfriend/husband... that would irritate me.

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 it's not fair to hold an unchangeable aspect of your spouse against them for the rest of your lives

I with all my reason and emotion believe in these words that you have expressed. Why in the world would that guy marry that woman if it would only want to make him long for to kiss of death?

I know my strengths and weaknesses so I know that in some way I would feel like that man, therefore I will not trouble myself by even entertaining the idea of going into a marriage feeling like that.

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I just had an idea!
Not sure if it is a good one though

You know how people do Non-exclusive dating, "dating" more than one person but not in a relationship with anyone.
This explains it I think : http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/dating-multiple-people-good-idea/#.U-rV2_ldXwg

What about pursuing more than one person? 
Say you see two (or more) that interest you and you pursue them both. Getting to know them better.
I think it really could work.

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I don't agree with pursuing more than one person at once. You can observe multiple people at once in a friendship/group setting to evaluate whether you want to court/date them, but once you begin that process it should be an exclusive thing out of respect for her.

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I just had an idea!

Not sure if it is a good one though

You know how people do Non-exclusive dating, "dating" more than one person but not in a relationship with anyone.

This explains it I think : http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/dating-multiple-people-good-idea/#.U-rV2_ldXwg

What about pursuing more than one person? 

Say you see two (or more) that interest you and you pursue them both. Getting to know them better.

I think it really could work.

 

I totally support non-exclusive, casual dating. But the terminology "pursuing" sounds more serious and more intentional than casual dating. I went on dates with other guys when my husband and I first started dating. I had zero interest in a relationship at the time--ironically, I didn't think about being exclusive until after I'd moved away and we were still communicating long-distance. But when we were going on actual, in-person dates at the beginning, he wasn't pursuing me with the intent of marriage. He thought I was attractive and interesting, and he wanted to get to know me better. Later, his intentions changed, which is when we became exclusive.

 

Either you're "pursuing" someone with the intention of getting into an exclusive, committed, serious relationship, OR you're casually dating for fun, to get to know people, to see if anything might happen or not. I don't really think you can do both at the same time.

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I just had an idea!

Not sure if it is a good one though

You know how people do Non-exclusive dating, "dating" more than one person but not in a relationship with anyone.

This explains it I think : http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/dating-multiple-people-good-idea/#.U-rV2_ldXwg

What about pursuing more than one person?

Say you see two (or more) that interest you and you pursue them both. Getting to know them better.

I think it really could work.

I think that's called "leading someone on"

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