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Donna Noble

Male issues in long distance?

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Hi Guy's

 

From your perspective, what issues would you have in long distance?

 

Some background. I met a guy a few weeks ago through friends, he has a year left at his studys in England (I'm in Ireland) and we've been seeing each other for these few weeks he's here.  We have decided to continue seeing each other because we get on so well, but I've never been in a Long Distance Relationship before but I know this guy is worth giving it a shot. I really liked him from our first date and long before we'd spoken about WTM, which I was delighted to discover he was too.

 

Thanks

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I'd say paranoia is probably the number one issue in most LD relationships.  I've seen quite a few couples fall apart due to paranoia. Try not to get consumed by the relationship. Go out and do other things. That old saying is true. An idle mind is the devil's playground.  Try not to think any negative thoughts. (Example: why hasn't he called? it's been a week. is he cheating?? and other useless stuff along those lines). You're gonna get yourself in a spiral of negativity and it's gonna be hard to get out. so don't let that happen. be happy go lucky and carefree about the whole thing. trust the person ur with.

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try to have an active social life outside of the relationship so you're not just focused on that one thing.

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Thanks Lexia! I completely trust him and I know he would never cheat. I'm more thinking issues I can expect from his perspective? 

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What Lexia said also goes for the guy's perspective in many cases. But the paranoia can go beyond worrying about your significant other finding someone else. I was in a long distance relationship years ago with a gal who never cheated on me and when it ended it wasn't because she found someone else. What ultimately happened was she slowly lost her feelings for me and eventually stopped calling and writing. Whether or not the long distance played a factor in this end, I don't know for sure, but the possibility of gradual "distancing" of emotions brought about by prolonged absence is now a major concern of mine.

 

That said, I also feel this concern of mine is silly, because I believe that if she is the woman God wants me to marry, the relationship will ultimately work out. But the paranoia is still going to be there. For your friend the situation might be a little different - it is possible that my worries are more isolated with me because of my bad experience - but it would be good to understand that this concern could develop in him at some point: the worry of losing you.

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Thanks Zeke21!

Thankyou, I'll keep that in mind. I really want to make this work, so I'm just trying to prepare myself for some possible issues that may arise. I'm used to being in control of situations like this so I guess it's just nerves.

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I can definitely echo Zeke.  That is always a big worry with both parties I'm sure, but I can certainly vouch for guys.  You may know your partner well, but it's impossible to read minds, and everyone dreads hearing that the other party is getting bored of them.  The odds of that increase with distance, since you can't be with each other nearly as much.  I also think that just like men may be more prone to cheat, women may be more prone to growing bored in a relationship, for whatever reason.  That's been my experience at least.

 

I swore off long distance some time ago, and that was one of my reasons. But as fate would have it, my girlfriend of about a month right now is long distance.  The reasons I decided to enter a long distance relationship with her after the fact were plentiful, but the big one that made me look past the fear that was brought up here was the bond, and deep, deep communication foundation I have built with her, and also my firm belief in how committed she is to the relationship, despite the distance, just like me.  We lean on each other for strength, and that's of paramount importance, because you can't ever think you are alone in any relationship, but especially in a long distance one.  The second you let that thought cross you mind is the second you begin to lose sight of each other, and by extension, the relationship as a whole.  My advice is to never stop leaning on your partner when it comes to the distance, because if they are as committed as you are, they will always happily be there for you when you need them most.  Showing weakness shouldn't be a sign of weakness in the relationship.  Communication becomes considerably tougher with that much distance, so if you don't put extra effort into it (especially early on when it should be a little easier), you might as well kiss the relationship goodbye.  You HAVE to trust each other unconditionally, otherwise doubt will play too large a role to continue things.

 

There is a reason that long distance relationships have a stigma to them, so the keys to success are understanding why that is the case, and always being as proactive as possible to try to avoid the pitfalls you know are going to present themselves before they happen, because it's going to be that much harder digging yourselves out of them when you don't have the make up cuddles/kisses/etc. to grease those gears.  It takes two very strong willed people to make things work with long distance involved. But while knowing/expecting that from your partner, still don't ever underestimate the humanity within the relationship, and that bouts of weakness and uncertainty are bound to happen from both ends at any given time.  Humans aren't designed for long distance, so it's still going to be an uphill battle, no matter how you spin it.  You just have to plan on working your tail off that much harder for the sake of your partner who is doing the same for you. Mutual respect should develop from witnessing each other going through the trouble they have to, to keep the relationship alive.

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Definitely not for me. I probably can't afford the travel if it's too far to be a reasonable drive. For me she should at least be within 100 miles otherwise our relationship would be exclusively online unless one of us decided to move. Now if I'm in love I'd certainly consider moving but personally I don't think a long distance relationship is feasible for me.

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What I would see is that... 1. Time. It usually needs some commitment while managing the social life - it will difficult if they had different timezones. 2. The strong feeling of wanting hugs and kisses, unfulfilled for a long time, haha. 3. Should work harder so that the other one will not have a problem with work or employment, at least until they adopt to the new place; the expenses are likely to become very high, so, better be prepared when they get together.

Otherwise, I don't think the normal ones are any different; I think theoritically, love thousands of miles is just as good as love few miles away.

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