Zeke

If a Friend Expresses an Interest Deeper Than Friendship ...

20 posts in this topic

This is something I'd really like to know ...

 

If one of your guy friends one day went out on a limb and told you he liked you as more than just a friend, but you did not feel the same way toward him, would you still be able to be the same kind of friend to him after he spoke up as you were before? Or would you now find it awkward to be around him because you know he likes you? I guess the question is, would you be able to just say, "Aw, thanks, but I really just like you as a friend" and keep on going like normal, or would his having made his feelings known essentially have wrecked the friendship you had?

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it would depend on the guy, honestly, and of course there is going to be that awkwardness in the beginning. Some guys would take the let down the wrong way and would not want to be friends any more. Some guys would be more accepting and treasure the friendship.

To tell the truth, I have had to let women down because I don't swing that way, but we've remained friends. There is a slight deviation from would be normal behavior. But if it is a friendship I charish, I would still be for them like any other friend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well all women are evil because they all have this dreaded place called the Friend Zone. If you don't express interest within 10 seconds of meeting them, they will put you there forever without any hope escaping :P

7 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If we were really close friends I would distance myself a bit because it wouldn't be fair for me or him to continue as if nothing happened. Plus it would be awkward. So yes, in a way it would change the relationship between us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Samaye, what you say is very reassuring. However, I have been in one situation where it did not turn out so well, despite my efforts to maintain the friendship. She completely stopped communicating with me, and if I bumped into her in person somewhere, she wouldn't even look at me. But it's nice to know not all women are wired that way.

 

Amen, Vince.  :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well this actually happened to me and I'm still friends with him. I was scared at first but I decided not to let something that sweet and honoring stop what he and I had in the first place. We did take a little break from talking and hanging out and he's now in a relationship and we speak almost every single day and I'm even friends with his girlfriend.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, this has happened to me. My friend confessed to liking me and I was honest with and told him I don't fell the same way and we both wanted to remain friends and we have. We don't see each very often but we never really did before hand. Still, he is one of the closer guy friends I have. He has a girlfriend now and I am still single but we still keep up with each other when we can. :) 

 

I think it depends on the people involved and how their friendship was maintained. 

 

 

Well all women are evil because they all have this dreaded place called the Friend Zone. If you don't express interest within 10 seconds of meeting them, they will put you there forever without any hope escaping :P

and shut up Vince. I have some guy friends that I would date if they showed any interest. :P 

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well all women are evil because they all have this dreaded place called the Friend Zone. If you don't express interest within 10 seconds of meeting them, they will put you there forever without any hope escaping :P

 

Highway to the Friend Zone? Seriously, someone needs to parody Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" with this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

if its not mutual il be honest about it but i wouldnt stop talking to him bt mst guys get so persistent thatu have to stop communicating.....bt i wouldnt actualy think of dating my guy friends all at the moment are in the friendzone

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well all women are evil because they all have this dreaded place called the Friend Zone. If you don't express interest within 10 seconds of meeting them, they will put you there forever without any hope escaping :P

False. It often has nothing to do with whether or not you express interest. =P I've actually had guys express interest in <10 min but they were already FZ'ed.

With me, you land in the FZ if /I'm/ not interested [in that way] in /you/...And, if I developed an attraction later on, you would escape. ;-)

But to the actual topic thread: I would absolutely stay friends with the person if he was willing. If not, I'd regretfully respect his decision. I know it can be awkward, and I try to minimize the awkwardness as best I can.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In my experience, it was so difficult to say No I dont want to be with you, because I did not want to break any heart! but then I was involved in a relationship with no feelings, then at some point I had to break up and it was worse!!! my high school best friend told me that he had feelings for me and even when I did not like him I gave him the chance, it was like always, at some point I had to say that I wanted broke up, he seemed ok, but after a few weeks he told me that I was the worse person ever, that I had no feelings, that I broke his heart and I did not care, It was horrible to hear that, because that was exactly what I didnt want. 

 

Then I promise to myself that I would never do that again. It happened again, but I could say Im sorry, you are a good person but Im not looking for a relationship right now, and it works for me, I wasnt in a relationship, but I never talked to him again, I avoided him all the time.

 

then when I was 20 my friend in my university told me that he was in love with me, I told him that Im sorry you are a nice guy but no, and then I was avoiding him, and He came and told me to my face, Hey you are not a little girl anymore, and I am not a little boy either, I am ok, I wanted to tell you how I feel and I did it, if you dont feel the same way its ok, but I really want to be your friend.

 

I dont know why but I said ok, lets be friends, and we are really good friends, the only bad thing is that he still thinks that he is in love with me, and I really think he deserves someone who really loves him! 

 

But keeping the friendship after that declaration is reallyyyy hard!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two factors play a major role in a situation like this, regardless of which sex is the "friend zoned" and which is the oblivious.  The most important one is the amount of trust and respect the oblivious friend has for the person confessing their feelings.  If they are just surface level friends, or acquaintances, with no real backstory or history, no quality time spent as legitimate friends, then the relationship is doomed if those feelings are let loose and end up being unrequited.  You can't inject that much confusion to a friendship that wasn't solid to begin with, and expect it to continue or prosper afterward.

 

The second thing is how much mature the person confessing their feelings is.  It is a TOUGH pill to swallow to have to share that type of information with someone, get rejected, and still be able to hang around and be yourself around them, without feeling the regret and extreme tension of the failure that just went down.  Some people without the ability to own up to their actions and move on will never be able to get past that, and that's just as detrimental to the friendship as the first scenario.  Two people don't become good friends by happenstance.  They both share mutual interests and respect one another for the true people they are.  If the rejected friend feels like they all of a sudden have to walk on eggshells around the person they confessed their heart to, that will ruin the whole dynamic and both parties will feel the shame of the one person.  You don't continue friendships with people that make you feel bad about yourself.  That person who didn't have the same feelings doesn't want to feel guilty every time they are around their friend.  That's why they lose interest.

 

So anyone looking to escape of the friend zone, take a long look in the mirror, and ask yourself if you truly care about the platonic nature of the friendship. Make 100% sure that you will be okay with the other person not feeling the way you do before you go do it.  If you've been in the friendship for the sole reason of hoping and waiting for the day you could be with that person romantically, then you are in for trouble if you get rejected.  Honestly, I think there's also issues even if you don't get rejected, because I don't think relationships last without a solid background of friendship, but that's just my opinion.  People who fake their friendships, trying to bide time for a romantic relationship aren't thinking about things the right way if you ask me.

 

Anyway, if the friendship is deep-rooted, both parties have mutual respect for each other as legitimate platonic friends, and both individuals are self aware and mature enough to let bygones be bygones if something like that falls through, there shouldn't be an issue.  The problem is, most friendships between 20-something people don't have all of those things in place.  That's why coming out of the friend zone is usually synonymous with betting the farm on one nervous hand of Blackjack.  All or nothing, no in-between.  But each situation is different, not everyone who gets rejected is doomed.  Just make sure you are ready to deal with the repercussions before you test those waters.  It's never going to be easy.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sure, I think the friendship can still be kept, but I don't think it really ever goes back to the way it was, or 'normal'. I think a lot of girls are aware when a guy likes them (not always, but when you are good friends with someone, sometimes you just know). So a guy telling you that he cares for you only changes in the sense that he now knows that you know, and you know for sure. I think it must be worse to know that you really care for someone in that way, and they don't return those feelings. 

 

I'm only speaking from personal experience, so this will not apply to everyone I'm sure. In my late teens I had a male friend who I was pretty sure had strong feelings for me, but I didn't feel the same way. He told me, and I was honest and said that I liked him only as a friend and no more. We stayed friends for years afterwards, and yes, there were some awkward moments and situations. But, we would still hang out, and keep in touch, even after I moved to a different city, and during the times when I was doing a lot of travelling. I even sent him a care package when he was on a DTS (looking back or from an outside perspective, it seems like I was leading him on by doing that, but I am a fairly blunt and straightforward person when it comes to those things, it was a friendship gift) He always maintained that he had romantic feelings for me, up until the time he met his wife, but he never asked me out or tried to date me.

 

Are we still friends? Kinda. When he got engaged, that was my signal to completely back off from friendship. I knew that his wife, though friendly towards me, was not crazy about me. We don't talk anymore, but if I saw him, it would be great to catch up.

 

This is of course completely from my perspective, so maybe his interpretation of the situation is very different. But I think you can still stay friends, if even just for a while until your life situation changes.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never found the need to explicitly tell someone I like her more than just as a friend. She knows what i'm saying when I ask her to do something with just the two of us, and I get my answer when she declines. In any case, I think a true friend will stay your friend, as long as you can convince her you're OK (even if you're not). 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It happened to me it was soooo awkward, and as a loving friend I couldn't stay friend with that person at first, I couldn't ignore that my friend was suffering but one the other hand I loved being friend with that person so I just ignored it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, on the opposite side, I have (2 times in my life, in high school, actually) made that attempt. Both time I got lines like 'I don't want to ruin our friendship' then, essentially, it was because they didn't really talk to me anymore. Since then, I have had a really hard time making any kind of first move, but have been trying more lately. I've really only had that happen to me, once, I think. At the time I was in my late teens and he was about a year or so younger than me. At that time age was a big deal for me (not as much anymore). We were still friends, but eventually just grew apart because we went our separate ways. The only other time was when one of my best friends in the world told me (years after he was married and had kids) that he did, in fact, 'like' me when we were growing up. He just didn't know how to tell me.  I guess that doesn't really count because he had already found happiness elsewhere.  He is still one of my best friends and, even though we live in different parts of the US, we keep in touch. I think it just depends on how strong the friendship really is.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It depends how close you are I think. I have a very close friend who I started to have feelings for years ago and I told her, and she was just glad I told her. But she had a boyfriend she really loves, and she's still with him... And we just sort of... Didn't really say anything else on the subject. Which was probably for the best because she loves sex and I don't think she would be able to wait if she was with me. She has always been a close friend and always will be :)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well all women are evil because they all have this dreaded place called the Friend Zone. If you don't express interest within 10 seconds of meeting them, they will put you there forever without any hope escaping :P

 

I'm going to give you some friendly advice and tell you that complaining about the "Friend Zone" is literally the most unattractive thing a man can do. By doing so, you devalue your friendships with women. The "Friend Zone" is not a real thing - either someone wants to be friends with you or they don't. To say that a woman is "evil" for not developing romantic feelings is all kinds of insulting. 

 

As for the actual question - it's awkward for a little while. You wonder how to interact with him, censor yourself more, maybe don't hang out as much. The important thing for the guy to do is to stay connected, show that you value the friendship. When you turn a guy down and he is suddenly absent from your life, it makes you think that you weren't worth it if it didn't lead to something else. It's a little different on this site since people are more focused on long-lasting relationships, but for most girls, if you turn a guy down and he disappears, it's interpreted to mean that you were only worth talking to when he thought there was a chance for sex. So if you want to stay friends, just be a friend, fight through the awkward, and if she doesn't want to stay friends, there probably wasn't a real friendship there to begin with. 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm going to give you some friendly advice and tell you that complaining about the "Friend Zone" is literally the most unattractive thing a man can do. By doing so, you devalue your friendships with women. The "Friend Zone" is not a real thing - either someone wants to be friends with you or they don't. To say that a woman is "evil" for not developing romantic feelings is all kinds of insulting. 

 

And I'm going to give you some friendly advice and tell you to get a sense of humor. Note the silly face at the end of my quote. In case this is your first time on the Internet, it means it's a joke.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have guys as friends. Wouldn't date them though. I have friend feelings for them not crush or romantic. I see nothing wrong with being friends first and deepening the relationship

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now