Piece of Advice: Don't be THAT guy or girl

[AllishaG 723]

You know... the one that sends out multiple consecutive texts in a row, when the other person clearly doesn't seem interested in talking. Why do people do this anyway? I guess I just never have understood it. If someone is sending you one word responses, not gauging you in a conversation, never initiating contact with you, sending you disengaged replies, or just straight up not replying at all, why would you continue to message them?

 

If I start to get the feeling that the person I'm talking to doesn't want to talk, I end the conversation. And if it seems to happen more than once, I just stop contacting them altogether. I figure, if they really want to talk, they'll start the next conversation.

 

I've also had to stop replying to people altogether, when they seem to never get the hint. And what's worse is when they continue to send messages even after I never replied to their other messages. It's just annoying looking at your texts or your messages from the same person and seeing 10 hey!'s in a row.

 

My WORST real life scenario: I went on ONE Valentine's date with a guy, back in 2011. Wasn't interested after that. He continued to message/text me all the time, which only further annoyed me, and even after I was always "too busy" to go on any other dates he asked me out on, he still would try asking me out. I finally got a break over a year later when I used my moving away to college as an excuse in the hopes he would move on after that. I was wrong. Months later, I got the dreaded message yet again. I told him I had a boyfriend (wasn't entirely untrue, but we weren't really official at the point even though we ended up not getting together anyway) which he was respectful about. Months later, he messaged me again, asking if I still had a boyfriend. I would continue to get messages from him for a long time. Last November he even sent me a long-winded reply saying that he "messed up" but that he would like to "get back in a relationship with me." I had to laugh at that one, since we had only ever went on one date 2 1/2+ years ago. Finally I just straight up told him that I was only interested in him as a friend, and that I was sure there was another girl out there for him. I was as nice as I could be about it, and he seemed to understand, saying that he missed out but that he wishes me the best. Then, a couple days after this last Christmas, I get another message from him: "All I want for Christmas is you". Okay, being nice isn't working, time to make it clear. I told him I didn't want a relationship with him, and that I had been trying to be nice before but he didn't seem to be getting it. I added that I wasn't trying to sound mean at all, but I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. So he ended up cussing me out, and then I finally just blocked him. Almost 3 years after that one-and-only date, and I was finally free.

 

Don't know why, just felt this had to be posted. I know most people don't take things to this extreme, but even on a lesser scale, it can get annoying. Be aware when you're talking to people.

[Guest markb4]

Sadly, I do this to someone who means a lot to me . I guess I just assume that she'll reply to me one of these days.

[lime 65]

markb4 what about your pride?! I could never understand why anyone would WANT to txt twice if she doesn't respond to the first one...cuz when that happens to me the last thing I want to do is suggest I care (even if I secretly do)!

[AllishaG 723]

Sadly, I do this to someone who means a lot to me . I guess I just assume that she'll reply to me one of these days.

 

But why would you even want to? I've always believed that you shouldn't waste your time thinking about someone who probably doesn't even think about you for a second. There are bigger and better things out there, but sometimes it's hard to move forward when you have something else pulling you back.

 

Besides that, if she isn't replying to any of these messages, what makes you think she would change all of a sudden? Truthfully, I might start out with just no interest in a guy, but if he continues to text me repeatedly when I'm not showing any interest, it just intensifies the negative feelings sooo much more. He's no longer just "the guy I'm not really interested in" but now he's "the annoying guy who doesn't know how to take a hint." And these are the kinds of things that girls talk about to each other.

[stephenusc 227]

But why would you even want to? I've always believed that you shouldn't waste your time thinking about someone who probably doesn't even think about you for a second. There are bigger and better things out there, but sometimes it's hard to move forward when you have something else pulling you back.

 

Besides that, if she isn't replying to any of these messages, what makes you think she would change all of a sudden? Truthfully, I might start out with just no interest in a guy, but if he continues to text me repeatedly when I'm not showing any interest, it just intensifies the negative feelings sooo much more. He's no longer just "the guy I'm not really interested in" but now he's "the annoying guy who doesn't know how to take a hint." And these are the kinds of things that girls talk about to each other.

 

Sorry to hear you are so "popular" Allisha.  It sounds like you, Redyellowblue and my sister seem to attract all kinds of interesting people.  Well look on the bright side, at least some guys think you are cute! 

 

At least you don't have to resort to skimpy clothing, drugs, alcohol or sex to get male attention!

 

If the stalking becomes too intense, I suppose you could be like Two-Face in Batman, and douse your face in acid.  After the acid has its effect on your face, nobody will want to stalk you!

[TheCrowing 450]

Okay, this is where I see a problem though. Instead of dragging a guy along, ignoring text messages, trying to drop all these subtle hints, why not just come out right away, before he gets really attached, and say "I am not interested, sorry". Probably 95% of guys will understand this. You may think you're being nice by not being blunt, but in reality things are only being made worse. It should be like a Band-Aid, rip it off fast and get it over with. No point in leaving the guy with any false hope.

 

It's not acceptable to ignore one's text messages to convey a lack of interest, and it's this kind of tactic that causes some guys to become even more annoyingly insistent. So just level with them right away! Most of us can handle it.

[Petalouda 103]

I have to agree with The Crowing. If a guy can't take a hint, then anything short of "Go away" will be seen as "Oh! She still likes me!" I learned that one the hard way (I should listen to my mother more often!).

 

But, on Allisha's side, there are a lot of guys who still hope after a blunt no :/

[Steadfast Madcap 3,216]

I do have some friends where I'm definitely the one who has to initiate the conversations/hangouts 99% of the time. That's different from creepily pursuing someone you just met, though.

[Belle Femme 1,244]

It's not acceptable to ignore one's text messages to convey a lack of interest, and it's this kind of tactic that causes some guys to become even more annoyingly insistent. So just level with them right away! Most of us can handle it.

 

Most of you can handle it, but the ones who can't have literally killed women for rejecting them. We cannot tell by  looking at you if you'll be cool with rejection or kill us. I honestly wish this were not a hyperbole.

 

Examples:

 

One

Two

Three

 

Are murderers the outliers? Of course. But there is a lot of lesser forms of gendered harassment and violence that women sometimes face if they reject a man outright. While the #YesAllWomen tag on Twitter discusses much more than threats against women who say no, that was a common theme.

[l8dyluck81 336]

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/06/privilege-entitlement-dating/all/1/

 

If the link doesn't work, you can copy and paste - this is a relevant, well-written article that is in line with what AllishaG is saying. In short, it discusses why women don't owe men anything and the entitlement issues that result from men feeling that they are, in fact, owed something by women (and not every woman - because most guys reject average-looking women, even if they themselves are average - just hot women). It also talks about the reasons why acting "nice" and being "just friends" in exchange for the possibility of getting the woman someday backfires. 

[Dasboy1 706]

I usually, can't really tell when a girl doesn't want to talk to me so I just kinda assume before it gets bad I guess. The last thing I want is to be that annoying guy I just can never tell if a girl is interested or not. I know some girls are just friendly so I don't wanna get the wrong idea if they message me first. I also don't wanna annoy them which what I'm always afraid of, so it's pretty much an endless cycle..... I'm sorry about your experience with that guy by the way, it sounds pretty upsetting.

[AllishaG 723]

Okay, this is where I see a problem though. Instead of dragging a guy along, ignoring text messages, trying to drop all these subtle hints, why not just come out right away, before he gets really attached, and say "I am not interested, sorry". Probably 95% of guys will understand this. You may think you're being nice by not being blunt, but in reality things are only being made worse. It should be like a Band-Aid, rip it off fast and get it over with. No point in leaving the guy with any false hope.

 

It's not acceptable to ignore one's text messages to convey a lack of interest, and it's this kind of tactic that causes some guys to become even more annoyingly insistent. So just level with them right away! Most of us can handle it.

 

Should I have told him long before that I was not interested? Yes, I'm not arguing with that. But the thing is, even after I did finally tell him that I ONLY saw him as a friend, he was still persistent after that. And if I hadn't finally just decided to block him, he probably would still be messaging me right now.

 

My point is that I don't HAVE to feel like it's my responsibility to reply to him, or straight up tell him I'm not interested. Believe me, I've also seen things from the opposite perspective (as most women have), and I've been the one interested in guys who had no interest back. And yes, I've been the one to initiate conversations, trying to gauge if there's any interest on the other's part. But, I don't EXPECT the other person to reply to me. It he doesn't, it stings a little bit, but I get over it and move on. I don't keep texting/messaging persistently.

 

It's one thing to try contacting the person a couple times (because sometimes people really are busy and just haven't had the chance to reply). It's a whole different story to barrage a person with tons of messages. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that there's no interest from the other person.

[TheCrowing 450]

 It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that there's no interest from the other person.

 

It's not that simple. Some people literally can't tell when people are/are not interested in them, and this is because all people convey interest (and the lack of) in different ways. Some girls purposefully play hard to get, so oftentimes guys mistake a lack of interest for that.

 

The murder analogy, c'mon lol. You think a guy following a girl around because they haven't ripped off the Band-Aid is somehow less creepy and makes it less likely for him to resort to violence? Guys may not like rejection, but they don't like being ignored either.

 

Not trying to offend anyone here, but it's time for people to just grow up, stop playing games, and become more honest with each other. This goes for guys and myself too, of course.

[Cora Jay 124]

Sadly, I do this to someone who means a lot to me . I guess I just assume that she'll reply to me one of these days.

 

Most humans have been there so worry not

one day you'll get the strength to delete her 

number. Its all in the process of learning who

cares for you and who does not.

Took me, a while but it gets better.

[hanachu 275]

The murder analogy, c'mon lol. You think a guy following a girl around because they haven't ripped off the Band-Aid is somehow less creepy and makes it less likely for him to resort to violence? Guys may not like rejection, but they don't like being ignored either.

 

If there's a chance that rejection leads to murder, I would choose ignoring the guy if it means I can live a little longer.

[Belle Femme 1,244]

It's not that simple. Some people literally can't tell when people are/are not interested in them, and this is because all people convey interest (and the lack of) in different ways. Some girls purposefully play hard to get, so oftentimes guys mistake a lack of interest for that.

 

The murder analogy, c'mon lol. You think a guy following a girl around because they haven't ripped off the Band-Aid is somehow less creepy and makes it less likely for him to resort to violence? Guys may not like rejection, but they don't like being ignored either.

 

Not trying to offend anyone here, but it's time for people to just grow up, stop playing games, and become more honest with each other. This goes for guys and myself too, of course.

 

You did not just seriously take actual incidences of MEN KILLING WOMEN AFTER REJECTION and then just say it's "an analogy" because a woman hasn't "ripped off the Band-Aid."

 

I can't believe I have to say this, but check your male privilege.

 

"Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death." -Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImI_XibOWq8

[TheCrowing 450]

You did not just seriously take actual incidences of MEN KILLING WOMEN AFTER REJECTION and then just say it's "an analogy" because a woman hasn't "ripped off the Band-Aid."

 

I can't believe I have to say this, but check your male privilege.

 

"Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death." -Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

 

I'll admit, analogy was not the correct choice of word, but I don't think you understood what I was trying to say. How you go about letting a guy down likely does little or nothing to stop violence. Sure, maybe if you told the guy "I don't like you, you're gross". But that's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is for girls to let the guy down nicely but do it as soon as they know, don't beat around the bush, and try to say it in a way that leaves little or no doubt. If a girl wants to shut a guy out of their life then by all means, but I think they owe it to him to at least be up front because some guys seriously don't get the hint. More times than not it will save both parties time. If a guy still doesn't get the hint then it's probably moot, because they were likely going to be insistent regardless of what the girl did. Psychos are going to be psychos regardless of how you say things to them.

[hanachu 275]

All I'm saying is for girls to let the guy down nicely but do it as soon as they know, don't beat around the bush, and try to say it in a way that leaves little or no doubt.

 

It's like asking how to tell someone that they're fired "nicely".

 

It all feels shitty. Some cry it out, some commit suicide, some go on a vendetta to ruin your life. Unfortunately, there's no screening process in who is allowed to be attracted to you.

 

I don't need to go far to find a woman who's been stalked, verbally and/or physically assaulted because they had the audacity to say "I'm not interested in you" to his face.

 

Do you think I, as a woman, will shrug at all these women and say "it happens all the time. No biggie"? Do you think when I go on a date with a guy I only met for 15 minutes, I'll instinctively know if he's a psycho or not? That's why we prefer silence to talk. That's why we prefer actions and hints. Because once the guy gets the hint and flips his shit, at least we won't be in the proximity of his rage.

 

It's sad that I find this as a legit excuse to keep a guy hanging, but that's the world we live in. A world where children grow up watching from men look at these stories and say "well the woman should have let the guy down nicer."

 

Fuck that I'd rather have the guy think I'm a crazy bitch so he leaves me alone.

[Belle Femme 1,244]

Women's physical safety >>>>>>>> Men's feelings.

[TheCrowing 450]

I didn't say anything about saying it to his face, but whatever. It's also not completely about the method of rejection, but the time frame in which it's carried out. I'm still waiting for facts that suggest that dragging out a rejection and using silence instead of just saying "Let's just be friends" or something along those lines somehow leads to more violence. It's probably more likely that this is how girls have been trained to avoid prospective violence. Doesn't mean it's based in fact though. The only surefire, guaranteed way to completely avoid violence from men would be to never talk to a guy, ever.

 

Out of the girls I've been rejected by, I can honestly say I've had more take the up front and honest route, so it's not like I'm arguing against every woman here. But ya'll will do what you have to do, just know that some guys get really tired of it. Personally, a woman who acts like this is the biggest turn-off in the world to me. It causes me to in turn ask myself, how can I expect her to be up front and honest in any sort of relationship?
 

On a side, mostly unrelated note...Sometimes I cannot believe some of the stuff I see on a site based on such a conservative principle. Not saying it's bad or anything, but there's at least something that blows my mind every time I log in. Lol.

[l8dyluck81 336]

TheCrowing,

 

                  I can see where it would be difficult for you to really understand a woman's perspective on this. You cannot empathize with our position because you are a man. As women, we have to do things to protect ourselves that you might not ever have to think about (unless you get a woman stalking you).

 

                  I do not give out my real phone number on dating sites. I have a Google Voice number which is a free service, and it routes calls to my phone. It also has a screening option so that callers have to identify themselves by name before I pick up their call. I got this service out of concern that in online dating, I might run across some psycho who won't leave me alone (it's way easier to block them via Google than through my phone service). Guys aren't even allowed to see where I live until we've been out on a handful of dates, and rarely are they allowed inside my house until I've been seeing them a while. This is not just for safety's sake, I'll admit - it's also a deterrent against too much alone time.

 

                 Women are statistically much more prone to being victims of domestic violence than men are. We have to take basic precautions or there is a chance (however small) that we could end up seriously injured or dead if things go south. Especially with Internet dating, there's no real way to know for sure how a guy will react to a rejection, however politely it is phrased. I have a guy who I went out with a few times SIX MONTHS AGO still contacting me! He is slowly crossing the line from being persistent to practically e-stalking. And yes, I told him in no uncertain terms that whilst he is a wonderful catch, I did not feel a spark. He's been very polite in his communications, but there are several other guys who basically told me to go f*** myself after just an email or two or a text conversation, even though all I said was "Thanks, but you and I aren't really a match, good luck!".

 

                 Also, do not forget that unlike men, who are taught to be fairly ruthless in achieving their goals (ie. through being the toughest guy on the playing field or the biggest cutthroat in the boardroom), women are taught to always be nice and polite. We are taught to try not to hurt people's feelings and to be compassionate, sympathetic and understanding. Guys are taught these things too, but women especially are socially conditioned to be "good, nice, polite and ladylike". Many women find it hard to deal with the prospect of hurting a guy's feelings outright, so they will take the No Contact route in hopes that the guy will get the hint.

 

Basically, I think that anytime anyone stops contacting you or returning contact after several tries, guys AND girls, then there's your answer. No answer IS your answer.

[hanachu 275]

It's probably more likely that this is how girls have been trained to avoid prospective violence. Doesn't mean it's based in fact though.

 

"Doesn't mean it's based in fact though."

 

"Doesn't mean it's based in fact though."

 

"Doesn't mean it's based in fact though."

 

(╯ಠ益ಠ)╯︵ /(.□ . \)

"I can't believe I have to say this, but check your male privilege." — Belle Femme

[Guest markb4]

markb4 what about your pride?! I could never understand why anyone would WANT to txt twice if she doesn't respond to the first one...cuz when that happens to me the last thing I want to do is suggest I care (even if I secretly do)!

 

But why would you even want to? I've always believed that you shouldn't waste your time thinking about someone who probably doesn't even think about you for a second. There are bigger and better things out there, but sometimes it's hard to move forward when you have something else pulling you back.

 

Besides that, if she isn't replying to any of these messages, what makes you think she would change all of a sudden? Truthfully, I might start out with just no interest in a guy, but if he continues to text me repeatedly when I'm not showing any interest, it just intensifies the negative feelings sooo much more. He's no longer just "the guy I'm not really interested in" but now he's "the annoying guy who doesn't know how to take a hint." And these are the kinds of things that girls talk about to each other.

 

Well, I honestly don't really have much/any pride; I've never really had any, and it's something that I don't think is all that important. And I dunno, I just feel that I shouldn't give up hope, because I know there are some people (I have a cousin, for example) who never replies to texts, but always reads texts she gets and enjoys them, so I hope that the one I text is similar.

[AllishaG 723]

I didn't say anything about saying it to his face, but whatever. It's also not completely about the method of rejection, but the time frame in which it's carried out. I'm still waiting for facts that suggest that dragging out a rejection and using silence instead of just saying "Let's just be friends" or something along those lines somehow leads to more violence. It's probably more likely that this is how girls have been trained to avoid prospective violence. Doesn't mean it's based in fact though. The only surefire, guaranteed way to completely avoid violence from men would be to never talk to a guy, ever.

 

Out of the girls I've been rejected by, I can honestly say I've had more take the up front and honest route, so it's not like I'm arguing against every woman here. But ya'll will do what you have to do, just know that some guys get really tired of it. Personally, a woman who acts like this is the biggest turn-off in the world to me. It causes me to in turn ask myself, how can I expect her to be up front and honest in any sort of relationship?

 

On a side, mostly unrelated note...Sometimes I cannot believe some of the stuff I see on a site based on such a conservative principle. Not saying it's bad or anything, but there's at least something that blows my mind every time I log in. Lol.

 

Yes this site is based on a very conservative principle that all of us share, but it doesn't mean we think the same about everything. We're all individuals. I'm a very conservative person when it comes to a lot of things, but there are also things that I'm not exactly considered "conservative." I bet you we could start a conversation on what clothing is considered modest and we would all have completely different opinions.

 

Anyways, maybe I stand alone here when I say that I actually do prefer hints to outright rejection. I can take a hint when it's there, and I'll stop trying to contact the person at that point. Straightforward rejection makes things awkward, at least for me. But if they just don't reply to me, and I get the hint, then it's not as bad. I guess maybe I'm the person who would rather slowly take the band-aid off than just rip it off at once (literally and metaphorically). And in the same way, it's less awkward for me to just stop replying to someone than to tell them I'm not interested.

[TheCrowing 450]

Yes this site is based on a very conservative principle that all of us share, but it doesn't mean we think the same about everything.

 

You're right, and if there's that understanding, then I should be able to post an opinion in any given thread and not get slayed for it, correct?

 

Like I said, you all do what you have to do to feel safe, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with or respect those methods of rejection.