OneLovelyBabe

Emotional Unavailability

7 posts in this topic

So I recently discovered that I was emotionally unavailable. I feel like I want to shout it from the rooftops because I feel like this is so prevalent. For the last two weeks it's all I can talk about to my friends and family. Naturally I'm drawn to emotionally unavailable friends...so of COURSE Im going to try to help them out as well as this community. Indicative of this condition I feel a little uncomfortable putting this out there, hahahah. But regardless, how is nobody talking about this?! I even went through psychology courses discussing attachment styles and had no IDEA you had to have a secure attachment to BOTH a male and a female to feel alright about yourself. But glad to say, I have learned about the matrix and I hope to see you all on the other side. If all you like is jerks and witches, read on my friends. Dun dun dun...

So here's how it all happened...

Basically I've had failed relationship after failed relationship, always wanting what I couldn't have, never wanting what I could. I'm not going to talk about my personal relationship currently too much...but we are both unavailable emotionally, and my hope is that me and my boyfriend will become available in our lives, personal relationships and together, and he knows he's unavailable now that I spilled the beans. So anyway, I had heard from a friend that my current boyfriend was emotionally unavailable. I looked into it, thought oh okay that's nice but that's not him. Many months later...

I'm wondering, How is it that this guy cancels, doesn't want to talk much on the phone, but doesn't want me talking to other guys or have an open relationship? Why would someone even care if they didn't want to get close to me? So I told him "You're emotionally unavailable, I can wait for you for X amount of time, then move on, etc etc." I became obsessed with figuring out what this guy wanted and how to be with an emotionally unavailable person. NONE of the things I read SEEMED to apply to me, Yada yada yada. Shortly thereafter, my boyfriend breaks up with me, I take a personal week to figure things out, I'm realizing my God relationship is lacking and maybe it had something to do with my father-daughter relationship. So Im like, wow I have this hole for a male that has been building up. Oh wait, I like guys like my dad, they're all emotionally unavailable, MAYBE I am too? No...So I dig and I dig, and I FINALLY come to the realization that I'm emotionally unavailable. And when I think about it, when this guy did come around a couple times it freaked me out, as with every other emotionally unavailable boyfriend who came around at some point and freaked me out, and BAM! I'm exactly what this guy is.

So what is emotional unavailability???

Emotional unavailability is a fantasy-like relationship. When I first heard it I thought "Nooooo I do have relationships with people..." What I had was glimpses of relationships. I had an idea in my head that there was this perfect guy for me, look-wise, style-wise, music-wise, etc. Even when I would find someone like that, if they were "TOO" into me, it would scare me off. But the problem is when you start talking to someone you admire from afar, IF they're into you they get ugly all of a sudden. You start to make excuses as to why they're not for you, when really, maybe they're just more emotionally available than you. If they're not available, you make excuses TO be with them. It's basically like the difference between porn and real sex. Women aren't perfect like that, but they are real. Best example I can make.

There are also situational and chronic types of unavailability. I have chronic (because of my father-daughter relationship) and when I break up with someone Im even more unavailable for a period of time, then I go back to my original limitation of availability. Situational being after a breakup...and/or loss.

The rationalization for the chronic is when you admire either your male or female parent from afar, the type of insecure relationship you have with that parent is insecure. There are different types of insecurity but you model that in your own personal relationships (romantically or platonically). Your view of the world is changed as well, the risks you take, choices you make and relationships you make. It's almost like a forced relationship, and what your parent lacks in relationship, your mind makes up for in fantasy. Either way, this is how you see the world: inconsistent, unsafe and stressful, and yourself with low self-esteem. As a defense mechanism your body closes you off from anything or anyone that is too close, conflictual, or consistent. When you choose people more emotionally unavailable than you, or at least within your range of availability, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. That way, when/if you do decide to put yourself out there, the person backs off from you, thus confirming your prophecy that you're worthless and unworthy of a loving, attentive, working relationship. If the other person decides to open up to you, you back off and that confirms their self-fulfilling prophecy of feeling unloved as well. When you see people too closely you have absolutely no idea how to effectively deal with conflict, care for someone or connect on a deeper level with someone in an actual real life relationship.

So basically I'm trying to 'stomach' dating an ugly dude because people like me are shallow and see relationships and the world in general from afar. Never letting anyone in, never taking much risk, never getting hurt or having fun to my full potential. But the thing that gets me is the times I've done anything to swallow my pride and said to myself, "Why are you doing this? You're better than this you have to stop this." But feel compelled to fill the male hole in my life. THAT feeling is the one I aim to get rid of so I can have a loving, fulfilling relationship where I'm valued and respected, even though at this point I feel like that will never happen.

How do you become available? I listed a bunch of risks and I'm working my way up to doing all of those. If you want to read online there is a whole list of things, as well as youtube videos which I've DEVOURED. But some random characteristics are me/these people avoid anything consistent, can be late, but just because they're on time doesn't mean they're not unavailable, inconsistent in what we/they say and do, avoid conflict, avoid risk, glorify exes (since they're unattainable) etc etc...I talked to my dad recently, he's in denial of his own unavailability. So I'm going to a therapist this week for one session, and asking that he come with me for the second. Im so done being like this and am SPRINTING in the other direction. The last two days all I do is try new things, deal with conflict instead of avoid it, deal with things instead of avoid them. Here is my own personal list, but as Im getting through my day, I'm realizing this whole thing affects EVERYTHING in my life. Best of luck to you out there who can't find relationships!!!!!! Look into it online if any of this sounds familiar, I had a hard time swallowing it too and best of luck. :)

List of things I do to avoid rejection or conflict because of my emotional unavailability:

-Buying clothing online so I don't have to return it if it doesn't fit and deal with the company or I have to get packaging etc etc

-Changing to the left if theres merging in the right line of the freeway

-Being on time so I can put off the pressures of socializing, if someone flakes out or my work asking me to clock in early if they see me at work early and I look bad for saying no or I get bored when I get there

But sometimes it's still not that and I just have bad time management >< LOL

-Calling to follow up or applying in person for jobs

-Doing anything on a consistent basis

to avoid monotony or the feeling of being trapped in a routine or obligated

AKA

church, working out, practicing piano, calling or texting people on a consistent basis who don't avoid me

-Dancing in public

-Car dancing

-Having my music loud around other people in case they think it's stupid

-Leaving my curtains open so people don't see me from the street and judge me

-Talking to customers at my work randomly in case they think Im stupid

-New songs for fear of not liking them

-New foods for fear of not liking them

-Staying in the room if someone's rude or threatening to me unless they are more unavailable than me

-Singing in public

-Getting rides with other people to places or avoid being stuck far with friends or others in case I want to leave and they don't or I just get stuck somewhere

-Goingto a workout class in case I get stuck and everyone looks at me funny and makes fun of me for leaving

-Staying on the phone too long so I don't get left on the phone by myself

-Staying at hangouts too long so I'm not left

Procrastinate:

-Important things because at least I know something is waiting for me versus doing it and risking having no one to hang out with or nothing to do if I do it right away

-Important things in case it doesn't work out and I have to have persistence

-Doing the other half of my eye-makeup

-Feeding my pets

I also build myself up to other people and brag about guys wanting me said in joke form to make people think Im desirable.

These are only the negative ones or things I wish I could do some are positive and functional SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH.

And anyone else feel free to add to this or correct me on anything.

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As if this post isn't long enough...haha. So I wanted to post a follow-up on this topic. So I've been telling everyone about this in my life, and to put themselves out there socially, take risks, try new things, work out conflict instead of avoid it, etc etc. I'm now realizing a flaw with that. I'm now realizing Im surrounding myself with unavailable friends as well, because when I think about it, I've always felt like "Everyone's against me." Sounds crazy, right? Now that I think about it though, they're unavailable, and if I could count the number of dumb excuses I've heard in my hands it would number the stars. Hahaha. Basically when you put yourself out there too much out of your emotionally unavailable friend's comfort zone, naturally they're going to blow you off, or be late, or both. So this is a waste of time with your friends, even family! So if you think your friend is unavailable, watch to see if their words match their actions. But vice versa, if they've put their self out there too much for my comfort level, I was late, and/or didn't make plans (I don't blow people off) hahaha. So the best thing you can do is talk to your friends who you know are unavailable, by thinking back on all their actions, (were there excuses for blowing you off valid? Or did you have the sneaking suspicion they were lying?) Talk to your friends, tell them they're unavailable, and see who is on board. Try to each talk about the things each of you can do to put yourselves out there one by one. Very few of my friends I've talked to subscribe to this whole idea, think Im crazy as well as overthinking this whole thing....when little do they know. Hahaha! Good luck getting available everyone!

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Hey I know you wrote this a little while ago, just wanted to chime in.

 

I have a pretty good relationship with my dad, I would say. Yet, it's not that I have a ton of failed relationships, it's that I am too picky generally to go into them. I have had one serious relationship in my entire adulthood, and it took me years afterward to get over it. Would some call me emotionally unavailable? I'm sure they would. But I only am that way because when I feel, I feel very deeply and strongly. I just don't buy into the idea that I have to have a successful romantic relationship in order to be a successful adult. I'm waiting for the right time, the right person. 

 

I think you are being too hard on yourself. We are all broken on some level, and being or feeling unavailable often boils down to a hardness of heart, which again I think we all have on some level. If you feel your God relationship is lacking, I think that is the place to start. From my experience, only He can soften my heart, when I have hardened it to protect myself from pain (which oddly causes me more pain, how silly people can be sometimes!)

 

If you feel you have a man-shaped hole to fill, try filling it with God and not psychology. After all, He created it. (preaching to myself as much as to you! Your post really made me think, thanks!)

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I wanted to add on this.
I'm guilty of being emotionally unavailable as well. Assuming I understand your definition correctly.
A lot of times, I meet a girl, they'll be really into me, and seems like them ore they're into me, the more stand-off-ish I get.
Basically, its like the opposite. Not really because I feel the need to be a jerk but because I've had a lot of disappointments in
my love-life, you can almost say I have a tendency to use it as a defense mechanism, because I don't want to be hurt again.
Knowing full-well, the girl can often be trusted, that's something I just do without thinking about it, it's weird.

Basically in a nutshell, you could say it is EXTREMELY hard for me to open up emotionally to anyone. Man, woman, anything.
So I understand you completely.

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Hi onelovelybabe, I am glad you are trying to better yourself. Unlike the people who say therapy is a sham, and prayer cures all, I encourage you to get help.

If you feel that you are emotionally unavailable, then it is hurting you and your relationships. Only by confronting our flaws and working through them, can we grow as people.

Good luck with your journey. I look forward to seeing your progress!

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I wanted to add on this.

I'm guilty of being emotionally unavailable as well. Assuming I understand your definition correctly.

A lot of times, I meet a girl, they'll be really into me, and seems like them ore they're into me, the more stand-off-ish I get.

Basically, its like the opposite. Not really because I feel the need to be a jerk but because I've had a lot of disappointments in

my love-life, you can almost say I have a tendency to use it as a defense mechanism, because I don't want to be hurt again.

Knowing full-well, the girl can often be trusted, that's something I just do without thinking about it, it's weird.

Basically in a nutshell, you could say it is EXTREMELY hard for me to open up emotionally to anyone. Man, woman, anything.

So I understand you completely.

That's understandable. Well and sometimes it just takes the right people to make you feel comfortable opening up with as well. The internet can be a good starting point to that vs face to face so looks like you are on the right track! :)

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Hi onelovelybabe, I am glad you are trying to better yourself. Unlike the people who say therapy is a sham, and prayer cures all, I encourage you to get help.

If you feel that you are emotionally unavailable, then it is hurting you and your relationships. Only by confronting our flaws and working through them, can we grow as people.

Good luck with your journey. I look forward to seeing your progress!

Thanks! :) Yeah I definitely feel that prayer has it's benefits and can overall solve everything, but at the same time I feel like God gives us the knowledge at our disposal so that we can use that to find answers and in my case to share with others and use the resources around me. Sometimes God wants us to use our problems as a way to connect with others, but I don't like when people think prayer in and of itself can solve everything.

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