Cora Jay

Saving your first kiss too?

37 posts in this topic

I know this sounds looney but some how, never kissing a guy just followed along with me saving myself until marriage.

Am I crazy to think saving myself includes my lips?

Now I'm turning 22 and getting older. I don't get in relationships until I create a good friendship foundation so kissing never tries to happen. Until it does then I'm pretending to sneeze or rushing away for text/phone call. Because of this a lot of guy friends have stayed friends.

How can you tell a guy, not only are we not having sex but we can't kiss either? Or should I drop my standard?

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I haven't kissed anyone and don't plan to until I'm married. :D I don't think you should drop your standards if it's something that's important to you. If a guy is truly willing to WTM then it probably won't be a big deal to him. Not kissing gets rid of a lot of the physical temptation that could cause you fail as well.

 

ETA: Whoops, I posted in the ask the girls thread instead of the one that was in ask the guys. It's still early here! :P

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Well I can't say my lips are virgins, but maybe I can give some advise. These guys are staying friends because kissing is a nonverbal way of saying I like you. Verbally saying it would be best for you, and I would tell them that you are waiting to kiss till marriage, so they don't think you're not into them. But like Amarillo said, if its the right guy, hell wait. :D

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I do think it will be much, much harder to find someone willing to wait even for kissing. That said, if it is extremely important to you, I don't think you should drop your standard. However, turning away when someone tries to kiss you is typically seen as a romantic rejection, so let them know that you are waiting to kiss before things get to that point.

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If a guy is truly willing to WTM then it probably won't be a big deal to him.

I dunno about that.

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To be honest, I think it would be really hypocritical if someone WTM thought saving your first kiss was a crazy and weird idea. :D  

 

Excellent point.

 

May I add that I think it comes off as somewhat hypocritical when people judge those who do "everything but" as not really WTM when they gladly do sexual things such as making out. While there are degrees of sexuality, it's not like kissing is devoid of a sexual component. Or cuddling for that matter.

 

I'm not encouraging people to do everything but because I do think whatever you save for the one you spend the rest of your life with is valuable, but at the same time, I don't think anyone should be judged for it.

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Excellent point.

 

May I add that I think it comes off as somewhat hypocritical when people judge those who do "everything but" as not really WTM when they gladly do sexual things such as making out. While there are degrees of sexuality, it's not like kissing is devoid of a sexual component. Or cuddling for that matter.

 

I'm not encouraging people to do everything but because I do think whatever you save for the one you spend the rest of your life with is valuable, but at the same time, I don't think anyone should be judged for it.

 

I agree, but I need one of those people to write a book and tell me their secrets of how they don't end up going over the edge.

Because one extra long warm hug, good eye contact, or a the sound of a heartbeat makes me have to pray against temptation.

 

I'm banking on they have the mind and body restraints of a chastity belt or were a Buddhist monk in a past life.

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I agree, but I need one of those people to write a book and tell me their secrets of how they don't end up going over the edge.

Because one extra long warm hug, good eye contact, or a the sound of a heartbeat makes me have to pray against temptation.

 

I'm banking on they have the mind and body restraints of a chastity belt or were a Buddhist monk in a past life.

 

You set boundaries and you keep them. Period. My husband and I had zero problems avoiding penetrative intercourse prior to marriage. I'm troubled by society's narrative that we can't control ourselves, that our minds are not stronger than our bodies, that we all lose our convictions the second temptation emerges.

 

The more personal stories I read, the more I think the problem is that people set boundaries based on shame or guilt, not on personal conviction. Yeah, if you're not personally convicted to do or not to do something, you're going to cross that boundary when you're tempted. But when you make a decision for yourself, and not to please someone else, it's a lot easier to follow that decision.

 

The primary situation in which a couple would need to be extra-careful, IMHO, is if one is personally convicted of certain boundaries, and the other is just respecting that decision. I think maintaining those boundaries would be more difficult for the second partner than for the convicted partner.

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As Samaye says My lips are no virgins. For me, if I were to meet a guy wanting to wait to kiss until marriage it would be a little hard for me. I am an affectionate person, I come from a huggy kissy family. I would understand his feelings and agree, for him, to wait. Although I would hope he would agree to cheek and forehead kisses.

I think a guy who wanted to be with you, knowing your waiting will wait to kiss as well.

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You are sooo lucky!!! I wish I would have saved my first kiss for my husband or atleast someone I actually liked :lol: I would say that is too cool! That's like the ideal virgin!!!! Kudos! Keep it up!

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I agree, but I need one of those people to write a book and tell me their secrets of how they don't end up going over the edge.

Because one extra long warm hug, good eye contact, or a the sound of a heartbeat makes me have to pray against temptation.

I'm banking on they have the mind and body restraints of a chastity belt or were a Buddhist monk in a past life.

I hear you, Cora Jay. I'm 27, and I have never kissed anyone. For me, it's not that I think it's wrong to kiss someone, but it is too the point now where I don't know if I can trust myself. Sometimes my heart races when I just see someone that I really like. Then the praying begins.

I don't think you should lower your standard. I have met men that will wait. But if you do decide to change your standard, not because of the pressure put on you by another person, but because of your change in outlook/situation, you shouldn't have to feel like you're "lowering" your standard. For me, I have kept my first kiss for so long, I'm not going to hand it out easily. I think it gets easier. Sometimes harder, but mostly easier to stick to your convictions.

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Don't drop your standards. They're your's and your standards are your's to decide over. If he can't do it, he's the wrong one. The right guy will stay with you. I'm also a "lip virgin" haha. I'm not intentionally trying to save my first kiss but if I find a girl who is I'd wait. With my lack of experience in that field of love I don't even care much for it so it would be easy for me to wait. I have had thoughts of eloping with my future Wife and doing everything else before kissing on the lips lol. That would be a first.

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Not to be the negative guy here an all, but when I started dating a married older friend of mine told me that if a guy doesn't kiss a girl on the first date that would mean something bad and he will never see her again. It made me so anxious while on the date. Well I ended up not kissing any of them and we did see each other a few times at least. So I guess that is not always true. Though WTM for kissing makes dating harder since there is even less people not waiting for kissing out there. Also I have a question, if you want to save your first kiss till marriage and the other person reaches over suddenly during a date and kiss you does that mean that they broke your goal?

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Also I have a question, if you want to save your first kiss till marriage and the other person reaches over suddenly during a date and kiss you does that mean that they broke your goal?

This possibility is something that has haunted my dreams...

 

Seriously though, I only think it counts if you kiss them back. If you purse your lips and push them away/pull away I don't think it counts (but prepare for them to be offended).

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Also I have a question, if you want to save your first kiss till marriage and the other person reaches over suddenly during a date and kiss you does that mean that they broke your goal?

 

I think it'd have to be consensual in order for it to count. People really shouldn't 'steal' kisses; even though it's a relatively minor contact, it's still not cool to do it unless you're getting clear 'yes' signals from the other person.

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I will be 22 in December and Ive never kissed anyone. I like the idea of waiting to kiss but I don't necessarily plan to wait until marriage. I want to be in a long-term and in my mind planing on marring that person before it happens.... I'm not big on PDA. I know you have to have some affection for you will have problems, I would like verbal more so than the physical side of it. 

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I don't mind kissing before marriage but if the person I was dating wanted to save their first kiss, then that's fine too.

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I, myself, didn't get my first 'real' kiss until my early thirties. Not because I was set on waiting, but because the few guys I did go out with never got further than a first or second date, or even try. I think part of the reason was because until I started really thinking about what I wanted and figure MYSELF out, I may have come across as a bit standoffish. I had 2 steady boyfriends, but never did more than a peck on the lips with them. This last time, a few years ago, when that first kiss happened. I was terrified, but excited. I never wanted to wait until marriage for kissing. I want to be able to be somewhat affectionate with my boyfriend (if I ever have one), and feel a little chemistry. BUT THAT IS ME. You should be YOU. :) I did learn from that that you have to know what your lines are. I didn't go too far, but I can see how it might happen. So, my biggest rule has become, no touching me in certain places, or under clothing. If a guy can't deal with that... then it's just not meant to be. 'To thine own self be true'. It's the only way to be happy in life. You can't control the way others think, feel, act. You CAN have some control over yourself. Knowing what YOU are willing to compromise and what not. That's important. I know that sound a bit selfish, but think about it. Once you are truly HAPPY being who you are in your own skin, then other people will be happy to be around you. Does waiting for kissing make YOU happy? That's the only question (I feel) you need to know the answer to. :)

 

I'm sorry if that was long, or not helpful, but I do HOPE it helps some.

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No I agree I'm saving my lips along with it. The whole package lol. If you tell people and they call you weird, don't be phased by it. Its not you thats weird.

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you can try convincing the guy to wait for the kiss too but in most cases (with men these days), it's not realistic.

you need a guy with a tremendous amount of self-control for this. I'm talking iron will.

I've noticed a lot of men aren't that respectful about the boundaries women try to set. they'll treat it like it's a joke and turn it into a game ("how far can i push her?" "how long until i can get her to bend the rules for me a little bit?"). i dunno if this is just men I've dealt with or in general but my girl friends are also telling me they have issues like that (men not respecting the boundaries they set and treating it like a joke) so at the end of the day i dunno how realistic this is.

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You know what? I used to think this was crazy but after hanging with a guy recently who shared some of a drink with me then told me he had herpes really FREAKED me out and helped me become aware of the reality that even if someone has no symptoms, they can still spread it to you. I later found out it was type two and told him I had just had mono so that could have saved me from getting it because I was trying to look out for other people so they don't get it, and that included with drinking out of a separate glass for the rest and the time it took him to get a separate glass for me the chance of spreading was deduced should he have had a cut in his mouth...And all of those factors combined with the common incubation period and I have such a low chance of getting it so I should be fine.... But the thing is you may not even get symptoms yourself until YEARS in, and could even have herpes just from kissing someone and the only way you would know would be to get tested at the doctors. I had NO idea it was so prevalent and am definitely taking kissing people more seriously now and don't want to miss anyone. Haha. But anyway, this whole experience has helped me learn way more about herpes than I ever knew and I'm thankful it happened so that I won't catch herpes in the future....

But yes for that reason alone, I don't think it's so crazy and I certainly wouldn't want to end up having to spread that to a future spouse or have that limit my options for one in the near future.

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The vast majority of humans have oral herpes (aka cold sores). Most get it in childhood, not from kissing. It's so common that doctors typically don't even test for it, because in most people it's asymptomatic, and testing for herpes routinely only causes unnecessary psychological distress in people it is otherwise not affecting in the slightest. I've only ever kissed my boyfriend, and he's only ever kissed me, but I'd still say it's pretty likely that we both carry the herpes virus just because of the statistical odds (I've never knowingly had a cold sore so I can't say for sure if I have it or not).

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I never thought about saving kissing as well until recently. If I hadn't already kissed I might think about it. There is definitely nothing wrong with it and I think it will be even more special for those who wait for kissing too. Overall though I think I'd rather kiss before marriage. I think it is part of the dating stage and like libs said I like being able to have some chemistry while dating.

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