sadasf12

Dating a non-waiter? (Long read sorta but please help me)

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Hi all! I'm in a bit of a problem and would like advice from people.

 

I am 19 years old and have been dating my current boyfriend for 2 years. I made it clear to him when we first started dating that I was waiting for marriage, and although he wasn't, he said he would wait for me. We are both virgins.

 

Beginning a couple of months ago, our relationship started to take a rocky turn because of this. He REALLY wanted to have sex and my refusal to caused him to start sexualizing a bunch of other women (which would mostly occur if he were to find out it was easy to get them in bed or that they sleep around) and caused him to feel heaps more attracted to them than he was to me, and he began watching pornography more often. Basically his eyes were wandering and although he was "still in love with me" I was no longer as physically attractive and he had a heavy preference for other women. He said a lot of hurtful things to me because of it and it almost caused a break up until he told me how sorry he was and how he was gonna change his behavior and completely knock pornography because it hurt me a lot. This was all taking place during our first year of college.

 

We're home now, and his behavior has improved significantly. His attraction to me has gone back to how it was before sex became a major issue for him. When I asked him why his behavior changed so suddenly, he told me he felt more pressured to party all the time and have sex with loads of beautiful women because that's what his friends were doing and told him that he should be doing the same because "it's ridiculous that his girlfriend has not slept with him after 2 years". Being home apparently puts less pressure on him to do that.

 

I was talking to him last night though, and now I'm beginning to have my doubts about whether a waiter and a non waiter can truly be together. He told me part of him is still very angry at me for not sleeping with him, because he knows the only reason he is not having sex is because he is with me. The comment upset me and I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the night.

 

So I want to know. Can a waiter and a non waiter be together? Should I try to make it work with my boyfriend, or should I dump him because it's obvious that sex is too important to him right now? Does he have a right to be angry and should I be the one apologizing? Do you think I will have the same issue when we return to school?

 

All help is truly appreciated. Just sleeping with him is not an option. I've been struggling with this issue for a long, long time, but compromising my morals for the sake of a boy is just something I will never do. 

 

 

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I have dealt with a situation similar to yours. I am just going to say that you should never be with anyone who makes you feel bad about any decision you make in regards to YOUR sexual life. He knew what he was getting into. If he has an issue, maybe you should take some time apart. You want a partner who supports you and helps keep you strong. I know you love him, but you've got to love yourself more. No one who loves you should make you feel badly about what you want, or make you question yourself. I am truly sorry you have to go through this. But, it doesn't sound like a healthy, loving relationship. I would suggest counseling or a break. It shouldn't feel like you have to fight him. He should respect you. If he felt the way that you feel about him, he wouldn't press sex because he would be afraid to lose you. You are feeling it right now. That fear of losing the person you love. Is he feeling that  way? It doesn't seem like it. A lot of times men will push and push because they don't value you. They aren't afraid that you will leave because they know you love them. Or they don't even care if you leave because their goal is sex, not a meaningful relationship with you. He is playing a dangerous and hurtful game. I'm sure he cares for you, but that is not what love is. It hurts to realize that, and act on it. I hope you find a solution that works for you (:

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I have married friends who were waiters who successfully married non-waiters. But when they started dating their husbands, they were older than 19. I do think that at such a young age, it would be very difficult for a waiter and non-waiter to be together.

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In my experience, it is totally possible for a waiter and a non-waiter to be together; my boyfriend only waited because it was what made me most comfortable and happy. True, I didn't wait all the way until legal marriage, because by the time we'd made it to our third anniversary I felt like we'd been through enough together that I was (and, two years later, I still am) sure we'd make it for the long haul. However, he *never* pushed for sex, and tells me to this day that he would've been happy to wait forever for me if that was what was necessary. It seems like your relationship is about on the same time table as ours (we were together 2 years during our freshman year of college), so it's not even a matter of it being impossible for guys of a certain age to wait.

 

In your situation, your boyfriend is starting to build up resentment towards you, which is absolutely toxic to any relationship. He knew exactly what the deal was when he got with you, so he had absolutely no justification for being so hostile to you. And, honestly, someone who would be so influenced by peer pressure, rather than doing right by his partner, just seems weak to me. I wouldn't count on this issue not becoming a problem again when school starts back up. I wouldn't necessarily say dump him right away, since it does seem from what you said that he made a real effort to fix his issues. However, you need to have a serious conversation, and tell him that it is absolutely unacceptable for him to continue to hold resentment towards you; that is a deal breaker. Like I said, it is not impossible at all for a college age boy to wait, even if it's something they are only doing for their partner. You shouldn't be with someone for whom it is going to be a constant source of anger and strife in the relationship. (And yeah, as you said, definitely don't sleep with him.)

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I can only echo what other people have said - I don't think it's worth staying in a relationship with someone who is putting so much pressure on you to have sex.  It sounds like being away at college has massively changed his attitude - maybe through experiencing peer pressure, along with the added temptation of meeting other women who don't have the same values as you. 

 

I have been in a relationship like this myself (he was fine with it at the start, but his feelings changed quite dramatically over time), and the best thing for me to do was to walk away.  Even if it means being alone for a while, that is surely better than being with someone who will make you question the values that you hold dear and make you feel like you're making them miss out.

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Yes I believe a waiter and a nonwaiter candate.

No I don't believe you should be dating this nonwaiter. He cheated on you, plain and simple. I don't believe staying with him will be healthy for you.

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Thank you all so much for helping me with this. I appreciate it so, so much.  :)

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And, honestly, someone who would be so influenced by peer pressure, rather than doing right by his partner, just seems weak to me. 

 

Exactly what I was thinking. Drop this fool. He is weak because he made it clear he's more concerned with following the crowd to the point he would ridicule your values rather than respect you. He can say he loves you all he wants but his actions suggest otherwise. Just think about what he did. He started sexualizing other women because he resents you. Who's to say he won't do this behind your back? He pretty much cheated on you.

 

Think about why you're waiting. It's because you want to share that special connection with just one person, right? Well, say you do end up marrying this guy (God forbid). Would you be fine spending your wedding night with someone who resented you all that time and thought your idea of waiting was stupid? Well if he didn't at least respect your choice to wait, then you would have massively settled when you could have been with someone who appreciated you for waiting. Do not settle for someone who resents you for waiting because the resentment will get worse and it will be even more toxic in the future. Find a guy who will love that you waited and who will protect your purity by putting your wellbeing above his.

 

 

So I want to know. Can a waiter and a non waiter be together? Should I try to make it work with my boyfriend, or should I dump him because it's obvious that sex is too important to him right now? Does he have a right to be angry and should I be the one apologizing? Do you think I will have the same issue when we return to school?

 

Yes the two can be together, but not when they act like your bf. The non-waiter should at least respect that you're waiting. Not make you feel like the enemy for waiting. And no, it does not have any right to be angry. You were crystal clear that you wanted to wait, he knew what he was getting into and he stayed. He could have walked out at anytime and found an easy girl to bang, but he chose to stay. He's nothing but an immature cry baby. If anything, he should be the one on his knees begging  you for forgiveness for cheating on you and for disrespecting you and your values. 

 

Never apologize for your values and find a guy who shares them. WE DO EXIST and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're worth way too much to be mixed up with this child.

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He has no right to be angry at you. Right there warning bells goes off for me. As a matter of fact he has every right to have respect for your decision and be happy with it. But for some reason he blames you. And he was the one who cheated on you, in the worst form. So he should be the one who apologises. He puts up restraint all of a sudden on his partying and having sex with other woman. But something inside tells me its only cause it is only cause he got what he wanted for now. For the time being he is satisfied. In my honest opinion I don't think he deserves you. There are way better guys out there who will make you feel totally happy with waiting together with them.

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The answer is simple. This is not about dating a non-waiter.

 

What your heart truly desires is to find the something that's not easy to find. Don't force yourself into accepting his perverted behaviour. He obviously wants to be together with you because he wants to have sex with you, and the reason he is 'waiting' is because he either likes your curves or your pretty face= pure testosterone, so that he can prove he is worth and waited long enough to have sex with you.

 

You may like his character and his looks but, is this what your heart desires?

 

Maybe your heart wants that special someone who is dedicated enough like you to give up those things for the sake of you?

 

The question you ask is wrong. Your question has to be: will I ever find the one for me? And my answer is, absolutely, only if you are dedicated enough to walk the path of love.

 

The path he walks is so far away and perverted. Don't ever deviate from yours.

 

 

My advice is: dump him, he doesn't love you. He'll break your heart, and when he does, I'll want to break his bones.

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I don't think a waiter and a nonwaiter can work.

 

I don't think that, for someone who is oriented in their moral values (such as yourself, and myself), a relationship where those moral values are very different will not provide satisfaction.

 

A virgin and "experienced individual" can work, but only if their both waiters. We have to be careful to distinguish between virginity and waiting status.

 

If we wants sex so bad, you two are not compatible. So, to be honest, I think you're better off being with someone who is waiting WITH you, not FOR you.

 

 

In my last relationship (geez, almost a year ago), she said she saw the value in waiting, but she never REALLY cared as much as I did, or at all.  (She had already slept with a guy for 2 years, starting in her teenage years.)  And eventually, that tore us apart.

 

An important question to ask yourself is: How do I want my kids to be raised? What do I want them to think is right and wrong?

If you want kids to believe vegetarianism is morally right, it's easier to do so when both parents are vegetarian.

If you want your kids to believe using illicit drugs is morally wrong, it's easier when both parents abstain from and discourage drugs.

If you want your kids to believe there is a God that loves them, it's easier to do so when both parents believe in God.

 

If you want your kids to see the value in saving themselves for the One, then it will be easier to do so when both of you are waiting.

 

He's not REALLY waiting. Functionally, overtly, yes, he is waiting.  But internally, cognitively, affectively, morally - he is just trying to keep you while remaining frustrated.

 

Find someone who makes you more confident about your decision.

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