Tempest Desh

Changing Levels of Sexual Abstinence

2 posts in this topic

Having read the article on the various levels of sexual abstinence and mulled over my own personal experiences...I'm conflicted to say the least. While I feel that a certain level of natural and real sexual release might aleviate so many of my feelings of inadequacy, etc. I still feel that things like oral sex, etc. qualify as sex and that engaging in them equals losing one's virginity. It's like I'd be having my cake and eating it to...just being a total hypocrite (and I've been that enough, in regards to other areas of Life). Which does make it harder for one as dead set on things as myself (I guess I'm something of an extreme ascetic, not just in regards to sex, lol). It does seem that if I were to loosen up in regards to things such as this, I might be able to pull through...but, it would still feel so wrong. Sticking to my guns has, while strengthening my willpower in regards to waiting, has also increased my lonliness and isolation from the rest of the World it would seem. I truly wonder what the solution is to this problem? Any thoughts?

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I still feel that things like oral sex, etc. qualify as sex and that engaging in them equals losing one's virginity. It's like I'd be having my cake and eating it to...just being a total hypocrite

I also have a similar sort of conflict. I wouldn't know whether oral sex would bring about the same feelings as the actual physical act of sex but I'm sure the connection and commitment between the two people would be just as strong and so mean just as much as normal sex, therefore shouldn't you try avoid that too until marriage? For me, through oral sex, you are sharing your body with someone in an extremely intimate way and getting the same/similar satisfaction as you would from sex so are you ruining your morals because you aren't married to that person? Do you need to have oral sex with that person in order to feel satisfied in the relationship?

I have been in a relationship with someone who could deal with the no sex till marriage rule, as long as he could get relief elsewhere-through everything else but sex. I felt like if I was to do any of that stuff I would be a massive hypocrite and it could make me more likely to not wait until marriage because the experience could make me think-I've done everything else with this person, why shouldn't I just have sex with them? Or it could make me disregard sex as just something fun and pleasurable with this person rather than an act of devotion and love-changing everything I've always believed in just because my lust got the better of me. I found that trying to alter my morals caused me to ignore my faith, reason and morals and I only felt worse when the relationship ended.

It does seem that if I were to loosen up in regards to things such as this, I might be able to pull through...but, it would still feel so wrong.

I often think, maybe if I loosened up about my morals then I'd be able to have a long relationship with someone and they would actually stay with me and want to be with me-but since my last relationship, I've realised that I shouldn't have to alter my beliefs in order to keep someone else happy, they should also be willing to accept my beliefs wholly or the two of us will be unhappy. If it makes me feel like I'm going against what I believe in (and it really did) then it isn't right and that person isn't right. You should never feel pressured to change yourself or your morals to keep someone at your side. It may be hard to let that person go but you have to do it for your own peace of mind.

I like to think that if someone is meant to be with me, they will either share my morals and beliefs or respect and admire me for them and want to do what is best for me-which is wait with me or just stay my friend.

Sticking to my guns has, while strengthening my willpower in regards to waiting, has also increased my lonliness and isolation from the rest of the World it would seem.

I agree. I often feel like an odd one out. Guys will be interested in me and as soon as they realise they won't get to have sex with me I'm suddenly no longer as desirable as I was to begin with. They kid themselves into thinking they can deal with it and then realise that they need some sort of sexual release. Who knows? If you are with who you deem to be the right person then you may become comfortable enough to explore new things with them before you are married and it will feel like a natural act with them otherwise it really isn't just another waiting game for that person who will want to help you keep your values. You are not alone in the sense that others share the same conflicts i.e. me! but I can understand the feeling of loneliness and isolation because not many people share those same virtues that you possess and it is extremely difficult to find someone who will but you just have to stay positive and hopeful that there will be someone accepting of your morals.

I don't have a solution unfortunately but I guess you could sum it up like this...

  • If you are only considering oral sex as a way to keep someone in your life or to maintain a strong relationship then you're most likely doing it for the wrong reasons and you will feel guilty about it because you're not completely sticking to your goals, you're doing it more for their sake than yours and you just don't want the relationship to end for the same reason as the others have in the past.
  • If you are doing it to aid you and be a form of relief before the actual act of sex after marriage then it will obviously feel okay to do it but it is a risk that you could turn your back on your goals.
  • If you are doing it because you have been in a relationship with that person for a long time and know that they are prepared to wait, then it may feel natural to you and just another stepping stone like kissing.

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