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Johnny

Nervous Wreck

11 posts in this topic

(This post is getting long, so feel free to skip down to the numbered questions if necessary)

 

To give you an idea of my situation and demographic, I’m in my 30s and still a virgin (yes, waiting till marriage…didn’t know marriage would take this long). I’m not a bad looking guy. I’m even told I’m handsome by some.  I have a good job, am college educated, have my own place, love God, have hobbies, and a good sense of humor…at least in my opinion. I’m pretty well socially adjusted and have had several close friendships with the opposite sex but nothing exclusive, so for all intents and purposes, I’ve never had a girlfriend.

 

I’ve had plenty of crushes and have had strong feelings for many girls and women by this point in my life. They were usually friends with whom I went to church or school, but I almost always felt comfortable in their presence and they in mine, even after I had asked them out, and they turned me down.

 

However, I’ve recently encountered a unique situation where I can’t recall feeling this nervous and awkward around a particular girl since I was a teenager. We’ve only known each other for a few months, but I was pretty smitten right away. Talking to her is extremely difficult, but when I do, I’m self-conscious the entire time. I can’t just relax, and I’m thinking about it for days after. Needless to say, I haven’t asked her out yet, because simply talking to her alone is nerve-wracking enough. She seems rather shy to me, although she has no reason to be. She is particularly good looking but is single and doesn’t make a lot of effort to talk to guys who would be in her age-range and single from what I’ve seen.

 

I’ve read some of the threads on here about shyness, and from what I understand, a woman may act shy for any number of reasons, which could be either positive or negative in terms of the guy. At this point, I haven’t given her much reason to not want to be around me. I haven’t said anything awkward or uncomfortable. I’ve just tried to be her friend. However, I get the sinking feeling she’s avoiding me sometimes. I’ve noticed her looking away or uncomfortable sometimes when we talk, but then again, sometimes she does seem to genuinely laugh at my jokes.

 

I’ve thought about telling her she makes me awkward and nervous and why, but I also know women value confidence above all else, so I don’t want to show any sign of weakness. I’ve only considered it, though, since I may be showing a lack of confidence, anyway, and at least that would explain why. I also think maybe I should just move on and find someone else, but I’m too curious of a person to want to give up before I’m satisfied that I really tried.

 

I’ve chosen not to try to contact her through email, phone, facebook, etc, as I find those mediums rather impersonal and kind of unmanly when pursuing a woman, although of all of them, the phone would be the least problematic I believe.

 

My questions are:

1)      If you think a woman is avoiding you when you’ve given her no reason to that you know of, is it best to just let it go and move on, should you tell her how you feel and why you’re a bumbling idiot, or should you just go for it, ask her out, and watch her expression change to one of even further discomfort? J

2)      Is in-person communication the only way to communicate from a woman’s perspective, or would they rather use an electronic medium to communicate to make THEM more comfortable if they’re already a shy person? Basically, would a woman think less of a man if he wussed out with a facebook message rather than talking to her in person? This question probably doesn’t even need to be asked, as it’s probably obvious, but these are unusual circumstances.

3)      Will Christian girls who are presumably virgins cut a Christian virgin guy some slack if they could in some roundabout way find out he’s a virgin? I’m an older virgin, so some may assume I’m not one. Having never “touched a woman,†I find women probably more intimidating than most men in general do, anyway, but I take solace in the fact that I think every guy encounters that one woman who causes him to be a nervous wreck, regardless of his experience with women.

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Don't give up! You've got nothing to lose if you ask her out, so long as you respect her answer and leave her alone if she rejects you. She could just be feeling as nervous around you as you do around her! Personally, I WOULD NOT avoid Facebook/texts/etc. I wouldn't ask her out via any of those mediums, but avoiding them entirely would probably be taken as a bad sign by her. I am a very shy person in real life as well, and text-based communication is pretty much the only way I let my guard down. Personally, I wouldn't bring virginity into the picture until later on. I think being nervous just because you like her so much is all you need to tell her to get you to cut some slack.  :)

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1) From the looks of it, she may just be as nervous as you are. I know that I am personally more shy when not fully comfortable with people OR when I like someone (especially then TBH). I think maybe you can try asking her out or at least telling her you like her. If it were me and a guy told me I made him nervous i honestly would be flattered (if I liked him a bit)

2. I think texting would be another good method of communication with a potential... Future date. I know that I really unfold through that type of communication when I'm nervous or uncomfortable with someone. Just make sure that doesn't become your only way to unfold with each other.

3. I just encourage you to maybe not be self conscious about every little thing when talking to her. I've done this many times when talking to people of interest(and it probably will happen again because it just happens ), BUT I know it makes things way more difficult than it has to be. Less worrying will make things more comfortable for you which will lessen some of the pressure you are feeling :)

Hope I helped a bit

Also: yeh I think the whole virginity bit should wait until a little further in the dating process. (Don't start things with "I'm a virgin")

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"Also: yeh I think the whole virginity bit should wait until a little further in the dating process. (Don't start things with "I'm a virgin")"

 

Haha, yeah, this is definitely true. That's the reason I said "if they could in some roundabout way find out," not me tell them. That would be extremely awkward to bring up with someone you barely know.

 

Anyway, I like all the responses so far. These are some really good thoughts, and I'm actually surprised by the responses stating that online communication is OK and maybe even encouraged. I'll have to think that one over. 

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"In the past, someone did point out that I looked uncomfortable when talking to them, but it was because of my own feelings of awkwardness, not because it had anything to do with them." 

 

This is a great point. I guess I kind of assumed that it was either a positive or negative reaction to me with no possibility of anything in between, but it may nevertheless, be neutral in regards to me specifically.

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Well I first want to point out that not all women care about confidence above all else and I personally wouldn't consider it a "weakness" if a man were to tell me that. As I have social anxiety it would be nice to be able to say "Oh, good. That's how you make me feel too but I'm glad you talked to me."

 

Secondly, as someone who is socially awkward and who's never figured out a way to flirt, the things she's doing could mean that she likes you but is shy. There are times when I think I'm flirting with a guy but then I find out that I'm not anything that is recognized as flirting :).

 

I'm fine with communicating not in person. While I wouldn't mind it if it did happen I know I'll probably blush and say something stupid out of nerves, so if they want to use a computer or phone to start having a conversation with me I'd be fine with that.

 

This is probably unhelpful, but if you can get the confidence to go for it I would say do it. I so wish I could tell the person I like that I liked them so I could either start to move on or start a relationship. Unfortunately my anxiety has stopped me from doing it and he doesn't have any idea how I feel about him.

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My answers will be very similar to the rest of the answers already given by I do have social anxiety disorder (or had?) I'm in recovery, shall we say. 

 

1)     I wouldn't think she would have a problem with telling her that she makes you nervous. Confidence is a turn-on for girls but in some ways its more like bravery. And being brave isn't not being scared, it's being scared and doing it anyway. I would feel flattered that I made a guy feel nervous and even more flattered that he thought me worthy of the risk. :) 

2)     Not at all. My social anxiety greatly diminishes when I talk to a guy online so I can open up and we'll have something to talk about when we meet in person. Social media has been a blessing to me in that way. As long as it isn't the only way you communicate, you are golden. :) 

3)   I wouldn't exactly "cut him slack" for that. I wouldn't expect him to be confident just because he isn't a virgin. I knew a non-virgin guy who was super nervous around me. I'm generally not hard on anyone for that. I wouldn't worry about her judging you for being nervous. She'll most likely be flattered. 

 

And by the way, it sounds like she likes you and she's just as nervous as you. That's why she can't make eye contact. That's what I do. Granted sometimes it just because it's a person I don't know well so it could be neutral but that doesn't sound like she dislikes you at the very least. 

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3)   I wouldn't exactly "cut him slack" for that. I wouldn't expect him to be confident just because he isn't a virgin. I knew a non-virgin guy who was super nervous around me. I'm generally not hard on anyone for that. I wouldn't worry about her judging you for being nervous. She'll most likely be flattered. 

On the same note, my cousin bragged to everyone when he lost his virginity but he still can barely speak to women at all or look them in the eye, and apparently he slightly regretted his first time.

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Well, this situation's a no go. I didn't ask her out, but I heard from a reliable source that essentially, she's not "looking to date right now" or something to that effect. However, as Hitch says, "No woman wakes up saying, 'I hope I DON'T get swept off my feet today!'" so I know she's just not interested in me, and that's no big deal. In fact, I'm almost bothered by how little I'm bothered by it. I guess I'm just feeling some relief that it's over. Thanks again for all the great responses, and I'll definitely keep them in mind for the future.

 

ETA: I didn't bring up the issue with the source. They brought it up, maybe just to be pre-emptive.

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I know this post was a while back, but I guess it's still ok to give my input.

 

Just a few things...

1.Some of us value honesty over confidence. So, if you feel like tell her what you are feeling and why, do it. That's actually being honest AND confident, because you're not afraid to be who you are.

2.I don't think we would all feel the same on the whole technology deal. I, myself, am a very nervous shy person and feel much more comfortable with this form to start things off. So, I'd be a hypocrite if I expected a guy to do it in person if he thought this way would make him more comfy.

3.Speaking for myself, and especially while talking to a guy I'm interested in, making eye contact is very difficult. I look away, move my hands, shake. Sometimes it really is just nerves talking.

 

I do hope things worked out for you. :) Especially since I just got to this site and just saw this post, this may not have been of any help. :)

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