Bluey

Sexual Confidence

20 posts in this topic

Although it's difficult for a woman to wait nowadays, due to stigma, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for men. Men are told that premarital sex makes you manlier, etc. There is the part where you have to actually wait, but then there are the comments and belittling by others.

And then, I thought of a different possible temptation, while reading a thread on here: right before the wedding. Whether or not your partner is a virgin, is there a pressure to know what you're doing? When you get married, do you think you'll lose your position in the relationship if expectations are dashed?

Is the public eye a problem, as well? When you get married, are you afraid of being ostracized for having waited (especially if your partner did not)?
 

I'm curious if these are real fears and, if so, how you guys expect to cope with them? 

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I can relate to those fears of eyes on you if you waited and your partner did not. I would much prefer a partner that did, obviously. But if I'm with someone who has not waited but later snapped into it and decided to wait, she would not be proud of premarital sex.  I would find it difficult if people would bring up the disparity in our histories, but that's why I would tell people when they inquire not that either of us is a virgin or not, but that we both waited. And I'd hope she would do the same.  We should only feel good about our decision to wait, and others might try to make us feel otherwise, ESPECIALLY me because I wouldn't "give it to her" (despite her own decision to wait).

 

Many people who think waiting is a joke will argue "How do you know you're sexually compatible if you don't try before the wedding?", or "What if you or her suck at it?"

Frankly, I won't know if I suck, because I've never seen anyone else having sex (never watched porn - never appealed to me, something I get laughed at about in good humour), and won't know what constitutes as "good sex". And ideally she would not have experience, so neither would she. If she had experience, then that might suck and make me feel insecure, but also just upset that she had the opportunity to know what "good sex" is.

 

I think it really does depend on the partner's experience (or lack thereof). But more importantly, if she has experience, what really matter are her attitude towards it, and how ingrained it is in her. If it was nothing memorable, or it was so long ago, and it would be a sort of fresh start, then there are no problems. But I've never been in the position where I've had sex a long time ago (given I never had sex before - SHOCKER!), so it might me much more simple or complicated than that.

 

Please let me know if I make no sense.

 

And good question, Bluey. ;)

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And then, I thought of a different possible temptation, while reading a thread on here: right before the wedding. Whether or not your partner is a virgin, is there a pressure to know what you're doing? When you get married, do you think you'll lose your position in the relationship if expectations are dashed?

Is the public eye a problem, as well? When you get married, are you afraid of being ostracized for having waited (especially if your partner did not)?

 

I'm curious if these are real fears and, if so, how you guys expect to cope with them? 

 

If the other person is a virgin, I wouldn't care less about not knowing what I'm doing, because neither would she.  We get the rest of our lives to practice so why put so much pressure on a single night?  On the other hand, if she's already had some experience, I probably would worry a more than a little in terms of being compared to someone else.  I don't think I'd lose position in the relationship per say, but it would bother me at first.

 

As far as public eye goes, I really couldn't care less what people think about me waiting.  That said, I doubt you'd get ostracized for waiting; the typical reaction is "I respect that, but I couldn't do it myself."  I don't really expect to be outright ostracized lol.  If I did it'd be their problem and not mine.

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And then, I thought of a different possible temptation, while reading a thread on here: right before the wedding. Whether or not your partner is a virgin, is there a pressure to know what you're doing? When you get married, do you think you'll lose your position in the relationship if expectations are dashed?

Is the public eye a problem, as well? When you get married, are you afraid of being ostracized for having waited (especially if your partner did not)?

 

I could not care less what others thought about our decision to wait. I don't go poking into their sex lives so they shouldn't be doing it to me. 

 

What I do care about very much is what my future wife thinks. It's not difficult to please a man in bed, but from what I hear it does require a bit more time and attention to please a woman. Even in the most ideal of situations (us both being virgins), it still requires a complex mathematical equation to bring a woman to orgasm. While it may be an exaggeration, this might illustrate my point:

men-women-on-off-switch.jpg

 

It would put even more pressure on me if she was sexually experienced because she's probably used to a guy who knows what she's doing. I know that she would marry me because she loved me, but I can't help but be afraid she may be thinking. "What did I get myself into? This guy is terrible at this!" I would be devastated if some guy before me could please her in bed but I couldn't due to my lack of experience. Even if she was really patient and loving, it's not uncommon for sexually experienced people to subconsciously have flashbacks of past encounters even if they don't mean to. It would hurt me immensely knowing she was thinking about how good sex was with some other guy in the past while I was with her.

 

Many people who think waiting is a joke will argue "How do you know you're sexually compatible if you don't try before the wedding?", or "What if you or her suck at it?"

Frankly, I won't know if I suck, because I've never seen anyone else having sex (never watched porn - never appealed to me, something I get laughed at about in good humour), and won't know what constitutes as "good sex". And ideally she would not have experience, so neither would she. If she had experience, then that might suck and make me feel insecure, but also just upset that she had the opportunity to know what "good sex" is.

 

That is such a dumb argument they give. Then when you tell them that you won't know any different because you've never had sex, they always responds with, "oh you will know what bad sex is." We're not going to be thinking about that. We're going to be thinking, "this is better than the sex I wasn't having a minute ago."

 

 

 If it was nothing memorable, or it was so long ago, and it would be a sort of fresh start, then there are no problems. 

 

Honestly, I don't know which is worse. That your spouse gave themselves sexually to a someone they were so in love with that they still remembers their past fondly or that they threw away their virginity casually to someone they didn't care about that was meant for you.

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That is such a dumb argument they give. Then when you tell them that you won't know any different because you've never had sex, they always responds with, "oh you will know what bad sex is." We're not going to be thinking about that. We're going to be thinking, "this is better than the sex I wasn't having a minute ago."

 

Hilarious, because it's true.

 

 

Honestly, I don't know which is worse. That your spouse gave themselves sexually to a someone they were so in love with that they still remembers their past fondly or that they threw away their virginity casually to someone they didn't care about that was meant for you.

 

This is actually quite true, and quite serious.  Looks like we lose either way.

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I kind of think everyone has the fear on the day before the wedding, that we aren't going to be up to their standards. But hopefully we get better with practice! I know on the womens part, it is going to hurt, but once thats over with it should get better! :D

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I do think it is possisble to know the difference between good/bad sex right away -- just like when you try some food for the first time you can tell if you like it or not. But I think any sex with someone you are in love with and committed to will be better than casual sex possibly can be, and hopefully any jitters/awkward moments will just become a fond memory you can laugh together about in the future. And I think society-wise, the most unusual thing is to be waiting. Once you're married, people just kind of assume you have been doing it and are still doing it, and don't inquire into your specific story.

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1. I've only told my brother. I'm not afraid to tell people I'm waiting, but don't feel the need to tell people. I think there definitely is pressure for guys, since my cousin once told me most girls he knows reject virgins even if they're virgins themselves because they want someone with "experience."

2. I am not too worried about expectations because to have married someone, I'm hoping we'll have already had all those conversations and be comfortable communicating so that on the night, we'll be comfortable pointing each other in the right direction... I am way more worried about kissing because people seem to be really sensitive about it and I've heard some girls say "he's nice but he wasn't a good kisser so I dumped him" without trying to practise and get better together with that guy.

3. If I found the right person for me, I would have no cares about what anyone else thought. If you find someone you really love, and they love that you waited, then you don't have anyone else to impress by hiding that information. Unless you're polyamorous, I guess.
 

4. I feel like the real fear for most of us, girls or guys, is regret. We fear having made the wrong choice at some point. We fear losing touch with normality, with reality, or not knowing what we really want, and just letting life pass us by. But it's not true; there is no such thing as normal. Whatever way other people might have have traditionally spent their life, we are each our own person and each have our own path to carve, and they are as unique to us as our own fingerprint. There's no point looking back unless you can actually change something. I cope through adapting my perspective.

Sorry for the huge essay answer lol I tried to trim it as much as possible :P
@Bluey would you say it's at all similar for girls?

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I know I'm not a guy, but I just wanted to say that if he's "bad," doesn't last long, can't bring me all the way, whatever else might make someone bad (I don't really know all the reasons) it doesn't matter. Hopefully if he has these worries we'll have already talked about it and then I can say this..."Practice makes perfect."

 

I also kind of think that everyone should have an awkward, fumbling around, no idea what we're doing but having a great time, first time. I just happen to want it to be with the man I'm married too.

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It's the knowing/wondering that they have a bigger pecker than you that kills you

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I'm not really interested in what society defines as manliness to be honest so it isn't really an issue I've given much thought to.

 

I think the topic really illustrates just how beneficial abstinence is overall. If you're capable of loving someone in the absence of physical pleasure for years before getting married why would your love suddenly fade by experiencing and learning new things? Either way you look at it, you'll be going through the good and bad through a marriage together with someone who should be your best friend and in a position to support you through it. There will be plenty of time to experience other physical pleasures throughout the marriage and getting to know your spouses body isn't something that should be feared at all. I look at it as an opportunity to learn and develop intimacy on the deepest level with someone I care about.

 

There are no downsides to the presented scenario aside from not meeting societies' perverse standards. Since I'm only interested in meeting God's standards of manliness it's not a fear for me.  :)

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I agree with a lot of your perspectives that, "practice makes perfect." Even if two hypothetical partners had not been virgins, there is always going to be the sexual "practice" for the two of them being the two of them. Why is marriage this big exception?
 

 

Then when you tell them that you won't know any different because you've never had sex, they always responds with, "oh you will know what bad sex is." We're not going to be thinking about that. We're going to be thinking, "this is better than the sex I wasn't having a minute ago."

:lol: LAAAAAAWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL, just yes.

 

@Bluey would you say it's at all similar for girls?

Honestly, yeah, but as long as I don't marry a rude jerk, that shouldn't be a problem.  ^_^ It's getting past the "learning" milestones.

The difference is lies in the fact less men wait, and that men who don't wait are generally proud of it. It's the same issue of not wanting to be compared to past lovers or be treated like I'm "just another" by my spouse. I could also envision human nature taking-over, and his past loves being "just as frustrating" as my dirty socks lying around. If I married a non-virgin, he'd at least need the same perspective as me. But women are supposed to let "boys be boys" and not have a problem with it.

 

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For me, I know might have some performance anxiety. That's because as a male i feel society places certain expectations on me such as men are supposed to have confidence in bed or even have multiple partners so i can get some "practice" before the ideal relationship comes my way. Well, i hate to burst your bubble society but I just don't posses or want those things. I do hope that when the wedding night comes my anxiety will be alleviated. I hope my future wife will be loving, compassionate, and especially patience with me.

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Wow.  I hope my response really encourages people.  I have a completely different take on the whole thing.

 

I am a 30-something celibate man.  I know exactly why I decided to wait: because I thought that Jesus' Plan for my sexuality was better than mine was.  This opens up a whole new world of confidence for me come the wedding night (or morning or whatever).

 

First of all, a 30-something virgin is one of the biggest rare treasures humanity has to offer.  I keep it a secret, but I know that it is indeed incredibly valuable.  I don't look at others' sexual experiences as lucrative; I simply look at my purity as precious.  Why else would I wait, really?  I must think its better than giving up before marriage, right?  I simply believe that Jesus is right about His Plans for sexuality, that's all.

 

I have also spent my celibate life becoming a badass.  I don't apologize for this.  Its absolutely true that without having to pour time in relationships, there is more time to build oneself higher than ever.  This is a "side-effect" of waiting.  I know that my first time with my wife will be spent thinking: "This is where all your preparation for her will finally pay off!  This is what you've trained for!"  Seriously, Jesus has NEVER left me "high and dry" when I need to know something.  I indeed know something here, it seems that most people do not because they will never have known it without waiting for sex exclusively with one partner.

 

Here's what I know that most people do not.  There is no: "I have experience in having sex and satisfying any partner."  There is only: "I am going to know my lover better than anyone else on the freakin' planet!"  Sexuality is about sacred exclusive love for a lover.  Sex is intimate, and you have to start all over figuring out what a partner likes when one has to move on from a previous one.

 

Its not about the experience I BRING in the bedroom (or on the stairs, couch, kitchen, hottub, or airplane restroom, HAH!).  Its about the experience I BUILD with my one wife.  We will BUILD them together, fresh, pure, and exclusively.  We will decide what we both like without any interruption from anyone else.  No one can judge us, and no one can experience what we will experience alone together.  Isn't that a fascinating phrase, "alone together?"  I will have even MORE confidence knowing that I will learn about sex with the same person I will grow old with.  Everything I will learn about sex will be taught by my wife.  Everything, hopefully, she learns about sex will come from me.   We will both show each other what we like, and we will both show each other what we didn't even know we liked, heh.  I will do things that I don't prefer alone because I want to make her happy when we are together.

 

Don't believe me?  Here's something to consider.  My friends do not know I am celibate.  I give them advice on sex a lot.  They report back that whatever I said whas a great idea.  We are not ignorant on sex just because we are celibate; we are just as capable because sex is natural.  The only things we need to be taught are from our respective exclusive partners!  I think the discovery in sexuality is just as important, therefore, as the experience.  I choose to let all my experiences come from the discoveries I will make with only one woman.  Mmh mmh.

 

Imagination is one of the most effective gifts we have in enhancing our sex lives.  Be sure to exercise all the imagination and creativity you can with your lover someday.  Adopt a liberated attitude and make sure you are willing to become the partner that your lover has always wanted.  As the most social and the most sexual creatures on the planet, we have the power to make sex as cosmic, spiritual, emotional, ecstatic, fulfilling, and satisfying as we want it to be.  Just make sure that you know that this is easiest with a partner to which you are building sex from scratch.

 

Personally, buying a new car is more exciting than buying a used one.  I just know that I am a new sportscar that I continue to work under the hood.  When a hot chick wants to finally take me for a spin, I will be able to do anything she needs.  I will also surprise her with things she never knew existed.

 

This is what waiting is all about!  Its about knowing that building sexuality from the very beginning with one partner is better than having to settle for the experiences that you did not build with your current one.  I will build my sexuality from the very beginning with my wife.  Awesome...

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@ GodsPhysicist : Thank you sooooooooooo much for this deep answer!

It's a great blessing to me.

I'm 33 years old, black girl, living in Paris France. And yes, still virgin.

I'm christian.

And I think entirely the same, as you. It's so encouraging to know that men like you still exist !

You can be proud of you. Sincerely. I pray God I can marry a guy who think like you and have this vision to glorify God.

For me, as a woman, I chose to wait in order to please God, to obey Him.

I have absolutely no regret about this: I am so grateful that God has kept me during all those years...

I have to admit it has been very hard sometimes due to the rejection and the incomprehension of others...It's not a popular decision. But I am very glad to please God. it's the most important thing.

I have never been in a relationship with a guy, even if i have already been in love ...but amazingly God is using me to give advice to others in relationships and purity , based on the knowledge of HIS WORD.

Here is my blog in french (sorry, I want to translate it in english also as soon as I can by God's grace) :https://couronneclatante.wordpress.com/author/couronneclatante/

 

I am a very romantic and deeply sensitive person. And I do honor marriage and relationships because they involve people and people are very important for God.

The reason why I never entered in a relationship even if a lot of guys have asked me, is because I searched God before. I asked God to allow me to courtship once, engage once and marry once. That's what I want and that's what I asked God and I know He will give me the desire of my heart as  it says in psalm 37v4: Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

May God bless all of you and give us the strength to keep His standards till His return in the name of Jesus.

I want to let you know, all of you, that your testimonies are a very great blessing to me.

bye

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@ GodsPhysicist : Thank you sooooooooooo much for this deep answer!

It's a great blessing to me.

I'm 33 years old, black girl, living in Paris France. And yes, still virgin.

I'm christian.

And I think entirely the same, as you. It's so encouraging to know that men like you still exist !

You can be proud of you. Sincerely. I pray God I can marry a guy who think like you and have this vision to glorify God.

For me, as a woman, I chose to wait in order to please God, to obey Him.

I have absolutely no regret about this: I am so grateful that God has kept me during all those years...

I have to admit it has been very hard sometimes due to the rejection and the incomprehension of others...It's not a popular decision. But I am very glad to please God. it's the most important thing.

I have never been in a relationship with a guy, even if i have already been in love ...but amazingly God is using me to give advice to others in relationships and purity , based on the knowledge of HIS WORD.

Here is my blog in french (sorry, I want to translate it in english also as soon as I can by God's grace) :https://couronneclatante.wordpress.com/author/couronneclatante/

 

I am a very romantic and deeply sensitive person. And I do honor marriage and relationships because they involve people and people are very important for God.

The reason why I never entered in a relationship even if a lot of guys have asked me, is because I searched God before. I asked God to allow me to courtship once, engage once and marry once. That's what I want and that's what I asked God and I know He will give me the desire of my heart as  it says in psalm 37v4: Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

May God bless all of you and give us the strength to keep His standards till His return in the name of Jesus.

I want to let you know, all of you, that your testimonies are a very great blessing to me.

bye

 

Bonjour. Vous pouvez taper en français parce que je dois pratiquer. J'ai passé du temps au Large Hadron Collider a la CERN du côté français de Suisse, j'ai appris le français un peu pendant mon séjour là-bas.

 

Votre post est un peu vers l'avant quand lu en anglais, mais c'est normal parce que je sais le français est une langue confiante.  Si vous souhaitez rencontrer des gens sur ce site, vous avez de la chance. Vous pouvez rejoindre la salle de chat publique et nous rencontrer.  Je suis devenu un habitant ordinaire de la salle de chat publique et j'ai déjà rencontré des gens magnifiques dessus après quelques mois.

 

Je me rends compte il y a un décalage horaire d'environ un quart d'une journée, mais qui peut fonctionné pour nous américains juste après le travail. J'espère que j'aurai la chance de discuter avec vous dans le salle de chat publique bientôt.  Je suis sûr que beaucoup d'autres aimeraient vous rencontrer aussi.  Le salle de chat publique avait rempli vers le haut plus souvent de nos jours.

 

Je traduis en anglais pour la sécurité, (Je suis désolé pour détruire votre langue, haha!  Je sais que les français adorent):

 

Hello.  You may type in French because I must practice it.  I spent time at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN on the French side of Switzerland, so I learned a little French during my time there.

 

Your post is a little forward when read in English, but that is okay because I know French is a confident language.  If you wish to meet people on this website, you are in luck.  You might join the public chat room and meet us.  I have become a regular inhabitant of the public chat room, and I have already met some magnificent people on it after a few months.

 

I realize there is a time difference of about a quarter of a day, but that can work out for us Americans right after work.  I hope I will have the chance to chat with you in the public chat room soon.  I am sure many others would like to meet you too.  The public chat room has been filling up more often these days.

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As far as the public scrutiny goes. If every one was to follow the general poulations ideals then we would be everthing our morals taught us not to be. I find it best to let people know about my views when the time comes. When people question my ways in a rude unethical matter, I answer in a rude unethical matter. Dont let them make you question yourself. Make the people question themselves. As far as coping. I smoke cigarettes. Not a healthy soulution but feeling nothing is better then that worrying pain in my chest I've had every single day for two years. Coping in a healthy manner, I dont know how to. When it comes to performance aneixity, I dont know. I never thought I would have any problems. Its best to know this...

   If a couple truely loves each other they will be together no matter what.    

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Hi Godsphysicist! :D

 

Thank you for your kind and funny answer.

It's really a good thing that you can speak in french! I like it : very good point!

The fact is that  I want to practice my english too that's why I wrote this in english .

But I will do as you : I will also write my answer in french so we have both versions. :)

 

Ahah ! Yeah, I'm sorry if my message seemed a little forward...I have to learn the subtilities of the language, but lucky me: you are here to help me :P

And yes, it's a good thing that I can meet nice people on this website.

 

"You might join the public chat room and meet us."

Yes, with great deligth !

 

"I hope I will have the chance to chat with you in the public chat room soon.  I am sure many others would like to meet you too.  "

 

Yes, I want to ! :D

 

I hope to hear from you very soon!

 

Blessings

 

Coucou Physicien de Dieu ! :D

 

Merci pour ta réponse sympa et amusante.

C'est vraiment une très bonne chose que tu puisses parler français! J'aime bien ça : très bon point !

Le fait est que je veux aussi pratiquer mon anglais: c'est pour ça que j'ai rédigé en anglais.

Mais je ferai comme toi : j'écrirai aussi ma réponse en français, comme ça nous aurons les deux versions. :)

 

Ahah! Yeah, je m'excuse si mon message semblait un peu "rentre-dedans" (little forward).Je dois apprendre les subtilités de la langue, mais heureusement pour moi: tu es là pour m'aider :P

Et oui, c'est une bonne chose que je rencontre des gens sympathiques sur ce site.

 

"Tu pourrais rejoindre le chat public et nous rencontrer."

Oui, avec grand plaisir !

 

"J'espère que j'aurai l'opportunité de "chatter" avec toi dans le chat public bientôt. Je suis sûr que beaucoup d'autres aimeraient aussi te rencontrer. "

 

Oui, je veux bien ! :D

 

J'espère avoir de tes nouvelles très bientôt!

 

Blessings

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I will have more sexual confidence it I ever date someone with less experience than I have. :P

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To the Opening poster...

 

Of course these are real fears, but you know, I feel like the problem all boils down to what it is... a conversation about a few minutes of so called pleasure. I got to say that yes, I'd feel uncomfortable and yes it'd be a problem. If you asked me if my partner did not wait and I did how would I feel?

 

I'd feel pretty darn horrible.

Who wouldn't?

Even when people say "I can forgive" I'm sure they can but somewhere in the back of their head they're probably wishing otherwise even if they never admit it.

 

It's human nature.

Key thing is, you have to ask if the positives outweigh the negatives. Are you still able to be happy knowing these things or do you need complete reassurance about something?

 

In my case it really will depend on the person.

And in truth, I'd be a lot more scrutinizing of a partner that isn't celibate. It's not about "oh she saved herself" or "I saved myself" but more on the idea of adultery. Anyone you have sex with who isn't your spouse is adultery. It's like a betrayal, or should I say a feeling of distrust that since they were not willing to wait or they were pressured by someone that they could again easily be pressured into the same situation.

 

I've dated someone who wasn't a virgin before and she ended up sleeping with someone else. I'm just saying, when issues like this come up it becomes a huge trust problem so I'm much more wary about people who haven't waited. Not that they don't deserve a chance but I tend to not go after them unless they show a significant amount of interest in me. I'm simply no longer willing to give my heart out that freely anymore.

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