mccay

New member with an issue

29 posts in this topic

Hey, I stumbled across this website and could not help but register so I could receive and give support to people in similar situations as me. 

 

I'm a 28 year old guy who's engaged to an amazing girl- she's the love of my life and everyone we know can't help but tell us how perfect of a couple we are. I've waited thus far while she hasn't. This became known to me when we first discussed getting married only 5 months into our relationship (when you know you know). We both put our honesty out on the table and while we had never broached the subject prior, I had assumed she hadn't waited in the past (odds are that way in this day and age and I knew she has had serious boyfriends in the past). It still hurt when my suspicions were confirmed as until then there was still a possibility that she had waited too. 

 

I had always planned on waiting for the one I knew I would marry. It didn't/doesn't matter to me if I'm married yet, just that it would be the one I knew I would spend the rest of my life with (i.e. only one sexual partner in your life). We talked about it since then, and she is the one that wants to wait now. Admittedly, one of the reasons I don't want to wait with her is because on some level I think/hope my issues with her past experiences would resolve if we entered marriage on as similar levels of experience as possible (both not-waiters). I know this would ultimately do more harm than good so I don't push the subject ever.

 

However, this whole thing has been a real issue for me. I recognize I wear my emotions on my sleeve so when the synopsis of this website accurately identified the feelings I feel on a frequent basis regarding this subject, I had to join. My mind races with disturbing thoughts. I know it's multiple partners, but how many? Where any of them one night stands? Did she ever have a pregnancy scare? These fears are furthered by the fact that these occurrences and more are realistic situations my non-waiting friends have been in.

 

My fiancee deeply regrets and is embarrassed by her past sexual relationships. I can't tell if it's because something happened (everyone I know including her family has called all her ex-boyfriends real a**holes) or if it's because she knows how it pains me. She admits to me it's been "years" since she's had sex so I recognize not only does she feel bad about her past, but she's actively trying to redeem herself. All of this ways heavily upon me and when this subject comes up it's very hard to hide my feelings on the matter. I love her so much and it makes me feel terrible when she's upset because I make her self conscious about her past when I get noticeably quiet when she brings something up that is closely related in subject matter.

 

That is a small but complete glimpse into what I've been working on handling. I recognize that getting past her past is completely on me. She may have made the mistakes, but it's me that has to work on accepting them. She really has done nothing wrong- even though she says they were mistakes and regrets them.

 

I'd be greatly appreciative for anyone's insight- constructive or deconstructive. At the end of the day I'm the one that has the issue- not her. 

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Why not just ask her how many partners she's had? If she's had a pregnancy scare, etc. It's going to eat away at you if you don't, and maybe the answer will be better than you imagined.

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Why not just ask her how many partners she's had? If she's had a pregnancy scare, etc. It's going to eat away at you if you don't, and maybe the answer will be better than you imagined.

I was thinking that :D the more you know, the less there is to wonder and you guys can be completely honest with eachother about everything.

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One thing I learned the hard way is not to ask questions you don't want to know the answers to. I thought about asking those questions but ultimately I know that no matter what the answer, it will hurt me and her by asking it.

 

Thanks Jess22- that article helped a lot!

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Now is the time to decide what's best for you, not what you think would impress her. She doesn't own your body yet.
 

Welcome to the forum! ^_^

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Welcome! Sorry to hear about your troubles. The fact that she is willing to wait with you and is not pushing you tells me she loves and respects you and yalls relationship.

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Welcome to the WTM website.  After reading your post, I get the impression you really love your girlfiend.  If you really LOVE your girlfriend you shouldn't feel the need to get even with her.  She told you she regretted having premarital sex.  If you really LOVE your girlfriend you should believe her and not hurt her.  You shouldn't let her past mistakes become an issue in your relationship. 

I'm a Christian, who believes that praying to God (in Jesus Christ name), will help. I hope you make the right decision. :)  

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Damn it Mccay!What are you doing?! Go find yourself a virgin girl and you'll have none of those problems. Understand Mccay?!

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Damn it Mccay!What are you doing?! Go find yourself a virgin girl and you'll have none of those problems. Understand Mccay?!

¿Quieres callarte? ¿POR QUÉ USTED TIENE QUE ser tan ignorante! ¿Qué te pasó eliminar tu perfil?

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Mccay

Your fiance is the love of your life. She wants to wait and she has a past. Her past is in the past and she's with you and loves you. If you have questions just ask her. If the truth hurts talk to her about it.... if you're a believer of Christ, pray about it.

Welcome to the family.

-Jasmine

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¿Quieres callarte? ¿POR QUÉ USTED TIENE QUE ser tan ignorante! ¿Qué te pasó eliminar tu perfil?

No entiendes. Quiero ver si el ama la chica y si va a defender su amor por ella. 

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No entiendes. Quiero ver si el ama la chica y si va a defender su amor por ella.

No es así como se hace eso!

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But really Mccay, just get a virgin. That is what you want  right? A virgin? Right?

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But really Mccay, just get a virgin. That is what you want right? A virgin? Right?

....you act like virginity is just a type of flavor you get from an ice cream store... Literally sounded like you told some to "just get chocolate instead of vanilla"

It's not that simplistic.😑

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Yes it does sound like that. And I intend for it to sound like that. A person has to know what they want. As to not regret opting for something else.

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....you act like virginity is just a type of flavor you get from an ice cream store... Literally sounded like you told some to "just get chocolate instead of vanilla"

It's not that simplistic.

Don't talk to stupid people. I'm talking to the admins about him anyway. Ignorant.

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I went through a similar experience. The article helped, but I had to cobble together some things that I could apply at the moment rather than thinking "don't mess this up."

 

Whether or not you decide to ask about her past, there's a few things to keep yourself from falling apart:

  1. When she says she loves you, do not doubt it.
  2. Ask her if it's OK to ask questions. Ask if it's OK to tell her how you feel about her past. Preferably on different days.
  3. Your pain brought by her past will bring her pain too, but it's there because the other person is important to you.
  4. Tell her how important she is to you as often as you can. It will help her.
  5. Ask her what she likes about you. It will help you.
  6. Even though you may think it's unspoken, if you've forgiven her, tell her.

 

Yes it does sound like that. And I intend for it to sound like that. A person has to know what they want. As to not regret opting for something else.

 

The heavens have parted and your hand shining in glory have made me seen the error of my ways. Yes, the virgins of the world shall kiss your feet and worship you as they throw away their beloveds so that the wails of sorrow of the tainted non-virgins and virgin cries of self-righteousness will be a pleasing sound to your ears. I shall now make a shrine of birch IKEA Kallex bookselves in your glory and burn them as a sacrifice to your great wisdom and foresight.

 

My mind has been opened. There is no need for empathy or respect for the lower lifeforms of those who do not understand your greatness, for you have risen to a higher plane of existence.

 

For no one shall ever regret leaving the one they love because someone on the internet told them to.

 

... OK I think I'm done.

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Im a girl obviously, so my opinion isn't exactly in line with yours, but as much as you say it bothers you not knowing. Trust me, you won't wanna know the real number, i know you think you do, like it will give you closure, cause you can accept it and get past it, and that may be true. However it is highly and i mean Highly likely knowing the actual number will make it so much harder to accept. 

 

No guy wants to know the extent of things his future wife has done in her past, not in that kind of detail, especially if your waiting. Don't get me wrong, it might make it easier for you, but what if that number is high, say 10 or even 15, sad to say that number where i come from would be considered low.

 

Im not saying to expect the worse, but regardless you can't change who she was, or what she did, and knowing or not knowing won't actually change that. Finding out how bad it is on a scale of 1-10 isn't going to take the issues you have with it away. Obviously it is totally your decision, but i recommend be careful what you ask for. 

It sounds like your fiancé really loves you, and feels a ton of regret for what she did, which will probably mean if you asked she will be very honest and vulnerable, and what she tells you is going to hurt you a lot, and be really hard to deal with, So if you do decide you still really need to know, make sure you say you only want the specific answers to your questions, you don't want backstory or added information in detail, those are the things that will make it much harder. 

 

Im sorry your in such a situation, its not an easy one, no matter which way you look at it, but your fiancé found you, her knight in shining armour, and I'm sure she can't believe how she ever got so lucky, and i guarantee, she never wants to take you for granted, she won't ever be able to say sorry enough times for the things she done, but you might not be her first, but you will be her last, and that still counts for something. 

 

As for her wanting to wait now she's found you, i understand how that can sound silly considering, but this is what i imagine her thinking is, she didn't wait with any of those other guys, and it all ended badly, she's not with them. Your the exception, she wants what you both have to be done right and to have more meaning and significance, in her way she is trying to make it so that when you guys do make love, and experience all those emotions, feelings together its special, which is why she wants to wait to marriage for you. Its not that she wants to make it so you are at a disadvantage, she is trying to do the only thing she can to show how much you actually mean to her. 

 

I wish you all the best, if you need to talk more, theres a lot of people around who are hear to listen.

Welcome to the site :) 

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i know this isn't easy...  but there are so many things here in your favor.   She stopped all that behavior years ago - that means she saw it for what it was to her...  not the healthiest choice for her and what she ultimately wanted from a relationship...   so she stopped.   Esp when you add the note that family/friends describe past boyfriends as a**holes.

 

The second thing is - she told you.   and interestingly... she protected you.   The exact numbers, the pregnancy scare questions, all the other things... well... i hope i'm not being insensitive in telling you...   let the past be the past.   She has worked to wash herself clean...   and you should too.  :-)    But she told you where she was on this in terms of past behavior, and reassured you by words and her actions with you...  that waiting is what matters to her for the sake of the relationship and your mutual respect for each other and the commitments you are making.   I have to say that speaks WONDERFULLY and says VOLUMES of great things.  

Go back somewhere in various threads or the article that Mike did interviewing me - your tale is my tale.   I fell in love and married a woman who was not a waiter, but who saw herself at a certain point, and did not think it reflected who she was and who she wanted to be, and we became a different way together.  YES - it bothered me.  YES - there were times i wanted to ask the rest of the questions.   NO - I did not ask the rest of the questions because I knew I didn't really want to know the answers.  and YES - I knew in the end what mattered was she was fully with me and I with her.

 

This is what i have said about how i got over it a bit...   i had a strong epiphany one day...   I had kissed other girls, i had even said I love you to a few girls...   and what i remembered in that moment was that I did not think about those girls or those kisses in any way in terms of "comparing" or "wondering".   In fact if anything... those past actions were so far away from me, and yet brought me to the point of knowing what i wanted in a romantic partner, how i wanted to be for her, and what i hoped she would bring to our relationship in terms of values and commitment.   Guess what?   that was the moment i realized she was in exactly the same spot as me...  wanting all those same things...   and the past actions were...  away.

 

You have a special person in love with you right now.  Remind yourself of that every moment - and that say it out loud - that she is in love with YOU and wants to be with YOU.   And you will be on the road to where you should be :-).

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Welcome to the site, though I wish it was under better circumstances. Nonetheless, I hope to see you in our thread discussions & chats.

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I'm not sure if you're still on here? I actually wonder if this has more to do with your sexual confidence. Because she isn't waiting, you feel like you might disappoint her after you're married. You're also concerned about public opinion, because having sex is often considered a sign of manliness. I'm curious about the male perspective on this.

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If you really love her and you trust her, then you probably don't need to know, it will just be more to try to forget.  If you believe she has truly changed, her past is irrelevant and you should forgive her completely.  The only way that I think it would be relevant is if you doubt her sincerity, and in that case, it would be a much bigger problem than just knowing details of her past.

 

There is nothing inferior about you because you waited, and you don't need to 'catch up' somehow, even if it was with her.  You shouldn't think of her as somehow 'sexually continuing where she left off'.  When you get married, you two start together fresh, and there are only the two of you in the relationship.  My 2c.

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If you really love her and you trust her, then you probably don't need to know, it will just be more to try to forget.  If you believe she has truly changed, her past is irrelevant and you should forgive her completely.  The only way that I think it would be relevant is if you doubt her sincerity, and in that case, it would be a much bigger problem than just knowing details of her past.

 

There is nothing inferior about you because you waited, and you don't need to 'catch up' somehow, even if it was with her.  You shouldn't think of her as somehow 'sexually continuing where she left off'.  When you get married, you two start together fresh, and there are only the two of you in the relationship.  My 2c.

 

 

 Make that 4c - bec that would also be my 2c.  :-)

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I'm not sure if you're still on here? I actually wonder if this has more to do with your sexual confidence. Because she isn't waiting, you feel like you might disappoint her after you're married. You're also concerned about public opinion, because having sex is often considered a sign of manliness. I'm curious about the male perspective on this.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with confidence or public opinion. I was just raised being taught that sex was a symbol of love and commitment and that it's reserved for the person you want to marry. The difficulty for me here is to see that value seemingly compromised by someone I love, and to know it was compromised with past guys. I understand not everyone is raised the same way or abides by the lessons their parents have instilled in them, hence the fact that I recognize this issue lies within me and not her. 

 

I went through a similar experience. The article helped, but I had to cobble together some things that I could apply at the moment rather than thinking "don't mess this up."

 

Whether or not you decide to ask about her past, there's a few things to keep yourself from falling apart:

  1. When she says she loves you, do not doubt it.
  2. Ask her if it's OK to ask questions. Ask if it's OK to tell her how you feel about her past. Preferably on different days.
  3. Your pain brought by her past will bring her pain too, but it's there because the other person is important to you.
  4. Tell her how important she is to you as often as you can. It will help her.
  5. Ask her what she likes about you. It will help you.
  6. Even though you may think it's unspoken, if you've forgiven her, tell her.

 

 

The heavens have parted and your hand shining in glory have made me seen the error of my ways. Yes, the virgins of the world shall kiss your feet and worship you as they throw away their beloveds so that the wails of sorrow of the tainted non-virgins and virgin cries of self-righteousness will be a pleasing sound to your ears. I shall now make a shrine of birch IKEA Kallex bookselves in your glory and burn them as a sacrifice to your great wisdom and foresight.

 

My mind has been opened. There is no need for empathy or respect for the lower lifeforms of those who do not understand your greatness, for you have risen to a higher plane of existence.

 

For no one shall ever regret leaving the one they love because someone on the internet told them to.

 

... OK I think I'm done.

Thanks Hanachu, that helped. It's nice to know that there are others out there that have had the same experience and are able to share their tips for dealing with things and warnings of things not to do. 

 

Im a girl obviously, so my opinion isn't exactly in line with yours, but as much as you say it bothers you not knowing. Trust me, you won't wanna know the real number, i know you think you do, like it will give you closure, cause you can accept it and get past it, and that may be true. However it is highly and i mean Highly likely knowing the actual number will make it so much harder to accept. 

 

No guy wants to know the extent of things his future wife has done in her past, not in that kind of detail, especially if your waiting. Don't get me wrong, it might make it easier for you, but what if that number is high, say 10 or even 15, sad to say that number where i come from would be considered low.

 

Im not saying to expect the worse, but regardless you can't change who she was, or what she did, and knowing or not knowing won't actually change that. Finding out how bad it is on a scale of 1-10 isn't going to take the issues you have with it away. Obviously it is totally your decision, but i recommend be careful what you ask for. 

It sounds like your fiancé really loves you, and feels a ton of regret for what she did, which will probably mean if you asked she will be very honest and vulnerable, and what she tells you is going to hurt you a lot, and be really hard to deal with, So if you do decide you still really need to know, make sure you say you only want the specific answers to your questions, you don't want backstory or added information in detail, those are the things that will make it much harder. 

 

Im sorry your in such a situation, its not an easy one, no matter which way you look at it, but your fiancé found you, her knight in shining armour, and I'm sure she can't believe how she ever got so lucky, and i guarantee, she never wants to take you for granted, she won't ever be able to say sorry enough times for the things she done, but you might not be her first, but you will be her last, and that still counts for something. 

 

As for her wanting to wait now she's found you, i understand how that can sound silly considering, but this is what i imagine her thinking is, she didn't wait with any of those other guys, and it all ended badly, she's not with them. Your the exception, she wants what you both have to be done right and to have more meaning and significance, in her way she is trying to make it so that when you guys do make love, and experience all those emotions, feelings together its special, which is why she wants to wait to marriage for you. Its not that she wants to make it so you are at a disadvantage, she is trying to do the only thing she can to show how much you actually mean to her. 

 

I wish you all the best, if you need to talk more, theres a lot of people around who are hear to listen.

Welcome to the site :)

Thanks waitingforyou, that also really helped. You have some good insight especially from the woman's side of things.

 

i know this isn't easy...  but there are so many things here in your favor.   She stopped all that behavior years ago - that means she saw it for what it was to her...  not the healthiest choice for her and what she ultimately wanted from a relationship...   so she stopped.   Esp when you add the note that family/friends describe past boyfriends as a**holes.

 

The second thing is - she told you.   and interestingly... she protected you.   The exact numbers, the pregnancy scare questions, all the other things... well... i hope i'm not being insensitive in telling you...   let the past be the past.   She has worked to wash herself clean...   and you should too.  :-)    But she told you where she was on this in terms of past behavior, and reassured you by words and her actions with you...  that waiting is what matters to her for the sake of the relationship and your mutual respect for each other and the commitments you are making.   I have to say that speaks WONDERFULLY and says VOLUMES of great things.  

Go back somewhere in various threads or the article that Mike did interviewing me - your tale is my tale.   I fell in love and married a woman who was not a waiter, but who saw herself at a certain point, and did not think it reflected who she was and who she wanted to be, and we became a different way together.  YES - it bothered me.  YES - there were times i wanted to ask the rest of the questions.   NO - I did not ask the rest of the questions because I knew I didn't really want to know the answers.  and YES - I knew in the end what mattered was she was fully with me and I with her.

 

This is what i have said about how i got over it a bit...   i had a strong epiphany one day...   I had kissed other girls, i had even said I love you to a few girls...   and what i remembered in that moment was that I did not think about those girls or those kisses in any way in terms of "comparing" or "wondering".   In fact if anything... those past actions were so far away from me, and yet brought me to the point of knowing what i wanted in a romantic partner, how i wanted to be for her, and what i hoped she would bring to our relationship in terms of values and commitment.   Guess what?   that was the moment i realized she was in exactly the same spot as me...  wanting all those same things...   and the past actions were...  away.

 

You have a special person in love with you right now.  Remind yourself of that every moment - and that say it out loud - that she is in love with YOU and wants to be with YOU.   And you will be on the road to where you should be :-).

It's not insensitive to tell me let the past be the past. As much as I'm looking for affirmation, I'm also looking for someone to tell me in so many words that what I'm feeling is wrong. Your post helped a lot. I've kissed other girls too, told one of them I loved them. You're right, I haven't compared my fiance to them at any point and I don't think of those instances. 

 

I know I have a very special person in love with me. I know she regrets her past and if she could she would take it all back. I know she would do anything for me and I- the same. I'm working hard to get over this and past it all. 

 

Ian, any chance you can point me to your interview?

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