Francois

WTM/Relationship/Married Jokes

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I realised there isn't a thread where we can share some WTM, relationship, or marriage jokes. So you can share them here.......

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Q: Why do married people tend to weigh more than single people?

 

A: Because single people come home, look at what's in the fridge then go to bed. Married people come home, look at what in bed then go to the fridge.

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Jack and his wife are at an air show. He decides to go for a flip in an airplane but upon seeing what it costs to take just one flight, he tries to cut a deal with one of the pilots for a discount. So the pilot tells him: “Look, if you promise me that you won’t make any noise at all during the flight, I will let you and your wife fly for freeâ€.  To Jack that seems like a fair deal and they shake on it. Unbeknownst to him, the pilot has some tricks up his sleeve. He doesn’t do free rides and wants to make sure Jack pays in the end. They all get in and the pilot takes off. As soon as he is in the air he starts diving and rolling, trying every wild trick he learned throughout the years to make sure that Jack or his wife will make a noise. However it is surprisingly quiet in the back and after a few minutes the pilot finally lands, defeated in his own game. “Wow it sure is quiet there at the back. How did you manage to not utter anything?† Jack replies “Yeah you sure made it very difficult to keep my end of the deal. But I almost screamed when my wife fell outâ€.

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I know I am supposed to write a written joke & all ....

But I like this pic :D 

 

funny-marriage-jokes.jpg

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I know I am supposed to write a written joke & all ....

But I like this pic :D

 

funny-marriage-jokes.jpg

 

LOL, I get the joke. But I do want to point out that in some cultures, a unibrow is considered beautiful. Still funny though :)

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LOL, I get the joke. But I do want to point out that in some cultures, a unibrow is considered beautiful. Still funny though :)

 

 hmmm , who said anything about the unibrow ! :P 

 

 more of the Mushroom nose :D Lol 

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

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A couple had been married for 30 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

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A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

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An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen. "Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."  The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?" She said, "Six." The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail." Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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Many girls marry men just like their fathers, which may explain why many mothers cry at weddings.

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I found this book online called An Introduction to the History of Psychology and in the chapter on Renaissance Science and Philosophy was this anecdote about Sri Isaac Newton -

 

"In 1703, Newton was elected the president of the Royal Society and in 1705, he was knighted by Queen Anne. He was also twice a member of parliament. It is interesting to note that with all his accomplishments, Newton cited his lifelong celibacy as his greatest achievement."

 

To this, an online reader had commented thus:

 

"If an object at rest tends to stay at rest, is it really an accomplishment?"

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Q: Why do husbands typically die sooner than their wives?

A: They want to.

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My boss told this joke yesterday:

There is this old married couple who are celebrating their 60th birthdays together, so an angel comes down and grants them both a wish.

The wife asks to be able to travel around the world, and poof tickets pop onto her hands.

The husband looks down, a little bit ashamed, and asks for a wife who is 30 years younger. So the angel turned him into a 90 year old.

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A guy in his 50's was going for a walk when a frog jumped into his path and said,

 

"Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and you'll be the envy of all your friends."

 

So the man picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and kept on walking.

 

Now the frog shouted, "Are you crazy?! I just said, KISS ME, and I'll turn into a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN and you'll be the envy of all your friends!"

 

So the man looked down to the frog and said, "You know, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

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Some quotes -

 

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

 

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..."  - Joseph Cossman

 

"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them." - Alexandre Dumas

 

  First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
  Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." - Anonymous

 

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