Guest Scarlet_Rose

How do you feel about your name changing when you marry?

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I have an awesome last name, and if my future husband has a last name that he doesn't like, he can deffinatly take mine! :D But I would want to take my husband's name, but I would still keep mine original last name with the new one like my great grandmother did. It will be interesting the first time I would have to sign my new last name ;)

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I plan on using my surname as either an extra middle name, or asmy middle name and adding my current middle name to my first name. Not sure yet, but I am more worried about loosing my given middle name.

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Well I always thought I'd want to keep my last name like totally dead set on it but my husband was adamant that I change my last name and after we got married I didn't see what the big deal was so I changed it

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I always thought I would change my name when I got married, but am completely stalling. As soon as I got married, everyone started calling me Mrs. Smith (his actual name) and I got really weirded out. I currently have a unique surname and both of my degrees are in that name. If I ever go for a doctorate, I imagined it as Dr. MyLast and not someone else's. Also, with a common surname it's like an interrogation to get anything done. I was picking up a prescription for my husband at the pharmacy and there is someone else with his exact same first, middle, and last name with the same birthday! I had to answer about 10 questions about his biographical info just to get his meds.

 

My husband is completely ok with me not changing it, but did ask me how I would feel having a different surname than our future children. I'm not sure since we're not there yet, but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it. My mom took her maiden name as a middle name and dropped her birth middle name. I LOVE my middle name and am named after an incredible person I never got to meet, so I'd never part with it. I would consider hyphenating, but my current surname also begins with an S. It would make for rather unfortunate initials lol

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 Also, with a common surname it's like an interrogation to get anything done. I was picking up a prescription for my husband at the pharmacy and there is someone else with his exact same first, middle, and last name with the same birthday! I had to answer about 10 questions about his biographical info just to get his meds.

 

My husband is completely ok with me not changing it, but did ask me how I would feel having a different surname than our future children. I'm not sure since we're not there yet, but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

I knew a woman who married a man with the last name Smith, and last I heard he was considering taking her last name because Smith is such a common last name!

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My husband is completely ok with me not changing it, but did ask me how I would feel having a different surname than our future children. I'm not sure since we're not there yet, but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it. My mom took her maiden name as a middle name and dropped her birth middle name. I LOVE my middle name and am named after an incredible person I never got to meet, so I'd never part with it. I would consider hyphenating, but my current surname also begins with an S. It would make for rather unfortunate initials lol

 

Just curious... Why does he assume that YOU would have a different surname than your future children? Won't you be the one carrying each one around for nine months and literally risking your life to bring them into the world?

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My husband is completely ok with me not changing it, but did ask me how I would feel having a different surname than our future children. I'm not sure since we're not there yet, but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it. My mom took her maiden name as a middle name and dropped her birth middle name. I LOVE my middle name and am named after an incredible person I never got to meet, so I'd never part with it. I would consider hyphenating, but my current surname also begins with an S. It would make for rather unfortunate initials lol

Well it's your choice to take his name or not. You can always hyphenate it... Mrs . yourlastname-smith or Dr. Yourlastname-smith or as a Dr. Just keep it yours.

Just curious... Why does he assume that YOU would have a different surname than your future children? Won't you be the one carrying each one around for nine months and literally risking your life to bring them into the world?

Why wouldn't a woman give her and her husband's children his last name or their names hyphenated? It's not like they are divorced or something. Men may not carry the children but they carry the wife and takes on a lot of the duty especially when the woman has morning sickness or is on bed rest or even just too tired. They helped create the children so wouldn't it be honorable to give the children his last name or theirs together? Most men that want children live for carrying on their names and giving it to their wife and or children. That is also one thing a man looks forward to changing a woman's last name.
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I don't mind my last name changing to his. I've never felt very attached to it, to be honest. It's quite common and plain (think Smith, Jones, Brown) and just not really "me". I've always identified more with my first name, so I wouldn't mind changing my last name to my husband's one, especially if his was awesome :D

 

My parents did a really cool thing for my sister's and my last names. My mother's last name can also be used as a male given name, and my father's last name can be used as a female given name. So they decided that if they had a son, he would be "First name" "Mother's last name as a middle name" "Father's last name". Same for a daughter, she would be "First name" "Father's last name as a middle name" "Mother's last name". As a consequence, I have my mother's last name, and my father's one is my middle name :)

 

It would be cool to do the same with my children, but having a female given name as a last name is quite rare, so I don't expect it to happen.

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Some people are very touchy when it comes to their name. I have seen people get offended when their name is spelled or pronounced incorrectly on accident.

 

Myself I really don't care. I have no attachment to my name, especially not my surname. I don't really see the big deal about changing it or keeping it the same. Its less hassle to keep it the same but if my husband has good reasoning as to why I should change it to his then that's what I'll do.

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Why wouldn't a woman give her and her husband's children his last name or their names hyphenated? It's not like they are divorced or something. Men may not carry the children but they carry the wife and takes on a lot of the duty especially when the woman has morning sickness or is on bed rest or even just too tired. They helped create the children so wouldn't it be honorable to give the children his last name or theirs together? Most men that want children live for carrying on their names and giving it to their wife and or children. That is also one thing a man looks forward to changing a woman's last name.

 

Those are perfectly valid OPTIONS, but the way Allison wrote "My husband is completely ok with me not changing it, but did ask me how I would feel having a different surname than our future children" greatly implies that her husband automatically assumed the kids would just have his name, period. Which is what I quoted and responded to.

 

The woman helped create the child AND carried it, which is why I've never understood the default assumption that if the parents have different last names, the kids automatically take their father's name. It's a little gross and patriarchal IMHO. Anything honorable for a man to do is honorable for a woman to do.

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Well it's your choice to take his name or not. You can always hyphenate it... Mrs . yourlastname-smith or Dr. Yourlastname-smith or as a Dr. Just keep it yours.

Why wouldn't a woman give her and her husband's children his last name or their names hyphenated? It's not like they are divorced or something. Men may not carry the children but they carry the wife and takes on a lot of the duty especially when the woman has morning sickness or is on bed rest or even just too tired. They helped create the children so wouldn't it be honorable to give the children his last name or theirs together? Most men that want children live for carrying on their names and giving it to their wife and or children. That is also one thing a man looks forward to changing a woman's last name.

 

Jasmine, on more than one thread/occasion, I've noticed that you're particularly empathetic towards men's feelings and viewpoints. Nowadays, especially in the work place, it gets very easy to kind of "leave men out of the conversation". I just want to say "thank you" and that it doesn't go unnoticed  :)

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The woman helped create the child AND carried it, which is why I've never understood the default assumption that if the parents have different last names, the kids automatically take their father's name. It's a little gross and patriarchal IMHO. Anything honorable for a man to do is honorable for a woman to do.

Anything honorable for a man to do is honorable for a woman to do.

You must be a feminist.....?

Man was created FIRST then woman and when the two join together in Holy matrimony they become one.... that does NOT mean what ever the man can do a woman can do not always. See the way this world is now, women do a mans job which involves tilting the ground. Meaning working to provide for HIS family. The woman was supposed to be at home taking care of everything else. Making sure the children and husband has food and the home is clean but if neither of them could handle it they would talk and make decisions together. See back then in the olden days a woman's name was changed. Why? Because the husband is the HEAD and woman was the helpmate NOT the leader. That doesn't mean whatever he says goes it means he stands his ground when need be and they speak things over together. Now as far as the children I said he helped creat the child just like she did. You sure can't have sex with yourself naturally and get pregnant. Yes the woman carried the child 9months but he helped her. He took on extra what she can't while pregnant. That child has his blood not hers. That child has her nutrition not his. But all in all that child is theirs so like I said before the child should have the fathers name UNLESS they are no longer together or he isn't apart of the babies life or they could give the child both of their names. This society is backwards "anything you can do I can do better?" So why are women crying about how they need a dad for their children or a husband to provide. I mean come on where is the line? Why is it unseen!? A man has his duty, a woman has hers. They come together to make sure everything is in place. I'm not saying a woman has to take her husband's name but I know I am and so are my children. Maybe I'm too old fashioned but I'm staying this way.

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Jasmine, on more than one thread/occasion, I've noticed that you're particularly empathetic towards men's feelings and viewpoints. Nowadays, especially in the work place, it gets very easy to kind of "leave men out of the conversation". I just want to say "thank you" and that it doesn't go unnoticed  :)

You and every man here are very welcome. I'm old fashioned and seeing the example my parents live helped mold me. I'm glad you a see that there are still women on your side that are proverbs 31 women lol

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But if men and women are equally a child's parents, why is the default assumption that the child should only get his last name? And not every man wants to be a woman's "head." I know my boyfriend would be horrified if I suggested we should be anything other than complete equals in our relationship. He has expressed a desire for us and our future kids to all have the same last name, but he has never been adamant that it should be his family name, and I don't think passing on jis name is something that has played largely into his dreams for the future. As for gender roles, that division of labor that you described works fine for some people (many people, even) but there's nothing morally wrong with, say, a stay-at-home dad and a breadwinning mom, or parents who both work part-time and care for the child part-time (I do think it is best for the child to be cared for by one of their parents as much as possible; not a daycare fan). And I'm a feminist, for sure.

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But if men and women are equally a child's parents, why is the default assumption that the child should only get his last name? And not every man wants to be a woman's "head." I know my boyfriend would be horrified if I suggested we should be anything other than complete equals in our relationship. He has expressed a desire for us and our future kids to all have the same last name, but he has never been adamant that it should be his family name, and I don't think passing on jis name is something that has played largely into his dreams for the future. As for gender roles, that division of labor that you described works fine for some people (many people, even) but there's nothing morally wrong with, say, a stay-at-home dad and a breadwinning mom, or parents who both work part-time and care for the child part-time (I do think it is best for the child to be cared for by one of their parents as much as possible; not a daycare fan). And I'm a feminist, for sure.

They are not equal not parental roles. Dad is a Man. He is the father that teaches his son to be the man a woman needs. He is the protector. Mom is a woman she is also a protector in her own way. Mom has her role in showing her son that a woman is fragile and needs protecting and to be provided for. Dad is a father to the daughter showing her that man is her protector and shows her that the man usually provides. Mom is the girls basic role model. She shows her daughter that a woman is supposed to keep herself like a woman. A girl should make sure a man has what he needs to continue to provide... food water clean home etc. But they both mom and dad talk things over so there is balance because without it a family cannot stand. This goes hand in hand especially as being a follower of Christ.

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All of you are your own people, but once you are married you belong to your spouse and they belong to you and you are one. You can keep your name ladies or hyphenate. But if you keep yours and you have children what legacy would your husband really have besides being the guy that helped create a child? So he's going to be walking around providing for you and you all's children and introduce them with the wife's last name? That doesn't sound right. But hey to each their own! Just talk with your future spouse first.

And all of you guys saying you don't care.... wait till your childs born and see how you feel then.

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They are not equal not parental roles. Dad is a Man. He is the father that teaches his son to be the man a woman needs. He is the protector. Mom is a woman she is also a protector in her own way. Mom has her role in showing her son that a woman is fragile and needs protecting and to be provided for. Dad is a father to the daughter showing her that man is her protector and shows her that the man usually provides. Mom is the girls basic role model. She shows her daughter that a woman is supposed to keep herself like a woman. A girl should make sure a man has what he needs to continue to provide... food water clean home etc. But they both mom and dad talk things over so there is balance because without it a family cannot stand. This goes hand in hand especially as being a follower of Christ.

 

PREACH! FW7ami5.png

 

Seriously though, I really do have to co-sign what Olivier said; your viewpoints are pretty refreshing b/c even among church people the man's feelings and role tend to get left out entirely in conversations like these.  You don't often hear someone speak who understands the God-given roles of men and women in the family unit, and I really have to applaud you for that.

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I agree with your viewpoints on this issue Jasmine. I believe the kids should be given the husbands last name ...for me it's just a given. I will also be taking my husbands last name, even if I have to merge something. Also as for the "equality" issue, certain things are just not meant to be changed in my opinion (just like wtm isn't outdated...men proposing and women taking their last name in marriage isn't outdated to me)

For your case Allison..maybe you could try to merge your name somehow but if not since he's ok with it you could keep your surname.

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PREACH! FW7ami5.png Seriously though, I really do have to co-sign what Olivier said; your viewpoints are pretty refreshing b/c even among church people the man's feelings and role tend to get left out entirely in conversations like these.  You don't often hear someone speak who understands the God-given roles of men and women in the family unit, and I really have to applaud you for that.

Thank you! :)

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Anything honorable for a man to do is honorable for a woman to do.

You must be a feminist.....?

Man was created FIRST then woman and when the two join together in Holy matrimony they become one.... that does NOT mean what ever the man can do a woman can do not always. See the way this world is now, women do a mans job which involves tilting the ground. Meaning working to provide for HIS family. The woman was supposed to be at home taking care of everything else. Making sure the children and husband has food and the home is clean but if neither of them could handle it they would talk and make decisions together. See back then in the olden days a woman's name was changed. Why? Because the husband is the HEAD and woman was the helpmate NOT the leader. That doesn't mean whatever he says goes it means he stands his ground when need be and they speak things over together. Now as far as the children I said he helped creat the child just like she did. You sure can't have sex with yourself naturally and get pregnant. Yes the woman carried the child 9months but he helped her. He took on extra what she can't while pregnant. That child has his blood not hers. That child has her nutrition not his. But all in all that child is theirs so like I said before the child should have the fathers name UNLESS they are no longer together or he isn't apart of the babies life or they could give the child both of their names. This society is backwards "anything you can do I can do better?" So why are women crying about how they need a dad for their children or a husband to provide. I mean come on where is the line? Why is it unseen!? A man has his duty, a woman has hers. They come together to make sure everything is in place. I'm not saying a woman has to take her husband's name but I know I am and so are my children. Maybe I'm too old fashioned but I'm staying this way.

 

Oh, sweetie... I don't even know where to start.

 

Yes, I'm a feminist. I'm a Christian feminist. Who double-majored in History and in French, and who minored in Women's and Gender Studies.

 

You totally went off-topic and threw out a bunch of words and ideas that never stemmed from me. I'm not bothering to address those, because I don't waste my time on strawman arguments. I'm sticking to the original topic of naming traditions. I've marked out everything completely irrelevant.

 

1) Genesis contains TWO creation stories, written by two different human authors. (Yes, I believe that the Bible is divinely inspired, but it is historical fact AND accepted among Christians that the written portions were composed over hundreds of years). According to Genesis 1:27-27, man and woman were created at the exact same time.

 

Then God said, “Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.â€So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

 

According to the Word of God, man and woman were both created, at the same time, in the image of God.

 

I'm hardly the first Christian to read the story of Adam and Eve as a metaphor. Most early cultures had their own creation myths, that were written to explain why their present life was the way it was. In other words, people looked at their surroundings and created stories to justify their culture.

 

2) Women didn't change their last name upon marriage because they were the "helpmeet" (ezer kenegdo, FYI). Women changed their names upon marriage to signify a change in ownership. Women were the property of men. This is true in the Old Testament. This was true in all ancient civilizations. Even in the United States, the legal practice of coverture prevented women from having their own legal identities.

 

3) Children get equal parts DNA from their parents. If you want to be even more literal, the baby has none of its father's blood, considering the blood came from the umbilical cord attached to the mother.

 

I stand by my original statement, that if the default assumption is to give a child the father's name, that is patriarchal and gross. If that is a CHOICE made between two parents, after much thoughtful deliberation, then that's fine.

 

For the record, when my husband and I have kids, they'll get both of our last names.

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Oh, sweetie... I don't even know where to start.

Yes, I'm a feminist. I'm a Christian feminist. Who double-majored in History and in French, and who minored in Women's and Gender Studies.

You totally went off-topic and threw out a bunch of words and ideas that never stemmed from me. I'm not bothering to address those, because I don't waste my time on strawman arguments. I'm sticking to the original topic of naming traditions. I've marked out everything completely irrelevant.

1) Genesis contains TWO creation stories, written by two different human authors. (Yes, I believe that the Bible is divinely inspired, but it is historical fact AND accepted among Christians that the written portions were composed over hundreds of years). According to Genesis 1:27-27, man and woman were created at the exact same time.

Then God said, “Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.â€So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

According to the Word of God, man and woman were both created, at the same time, in the image of God.

I'm hardly the first Christian to read the story of Adam and Eve as a metaphor. Most early cultures had their own creation myths, that were written to explain why their present life was the way it was. In other words, people looked at their surroundings and created stories to justify their culture.

2) Women didn't change their last name upon marriage because they were the "helpmeet" (ezer kenegdo, FYI). Women changed their names upon marriage to signify a change in ownership. Women were the property of men. This is true in the Old Testament. This was true in all ancient civilizations. Even in the United States, the legal practice of coverture prevented women from having their own legal identities.

3) Children get equal parts DNA from their parents. If you want to be even more literal, the baby has none of its father's blood, considering the blood came from the umbilical cord attached to the mother.

I stand by my original statement, that if the default assumption is to give a child the father's name, that is patriarchal and gross. If that is a CHOICE made between two parents, after much thoughtful deliberation, then that's fine.

For the record, when my husband and I have kids, they'll get both of our last names.

Ms.Belle my name is Jasmine not sweetie so please address me as such. We're not close for that ma'am.

It does not matter what you went to school to major double. Major or minored in. You say that you are a Christian but.... you know what as I stated before...All of you are your own people, but once you are married you belong to your spouse and they belong to you and you are one. You can keep your name ladies or hyphenate it. But if you keep yours and you have children what legacy would your husband really have besides being the guy that helped create a child? So he's going to be walking around providing for you and you all's children and introduce them with the wife's last name? That doesn't sound right. But hey to each their own! Just talk with your future spouse first if they are ok with it so be it. It's between you and your spouse and God. I know all about DNA but will not waste time going into it.

I'm absolutely finished with this topic you enjoy your marriage/future marriage.

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I believe that when you are married you belong to each other and become one as well; that's why I don't understand the convention of a woman taking a man's last name. If you are merging into one, it seems like the solution would be to merge names. Why is passing on one's last name more of a legacy than actually having a child and helping to raise them well? And if having your last name passed on is what matters most when it comes to passing on your legacy, it seems like women, who usually take on the biggest share of childcare, as well as the whole actually birthing the child bit, seem like they get a really raw deal. Since men And women are equally a child's parents so long as they are both involved in it's life, then it should not be any more humiliating for a man to have kids with his wife's last name than for a wife to have kids with her husband's last name. I definitely understand the power of names to a certain extent; heck, I went to the trouble of legally changing my last name so I wouldn't share a name with my father. But ultimately, a name is just a name. What matters most is being actively involved in raising your child, whether you take on the breadwinner role, the stay at home parent role, or a combination of both.

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 it should not be any more humiliating for a man to have kids with his wife's last name than for a wife to have kids with her husband's last name. 

This.

 

Likewise, it should not be any more humiliating for a man to take his new wife's last name or for his new wife not to take his last name, than for a woman to take her new husband's last name.

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