Snowflakes

Rejection

37 posts in this topic

Hi All, 

 

I'm so thankful to have found this website and am very happy that there is a community out there to support people who have chosen to wait, for whatever reason :)

 

I have been dating a guy for a while and we hit it off almost right away. We study the same thing at university and connect on a lot of different levels. I can have intellectual discussions with him and he is also very emotionally dependable. It is the closest thing to emotional attachment and attraction that I'd felt in a long time. We both saw something that felt like a spark and I honestly thought that the relationship had the potential for a future. 

 

We'd shown a lot of trust in each other, despite the fact that we haven't known each other for long. While we were on the topic of relationship and sexual history, I decided to be honest with him and told him about my strong principles and that I'd decided to wait till marriage. His response was very heartbreaking. 

 

Basically, it's the typical response. He said he didn't expect me to be a virgin because I'm an attractive girl whose intelligence, wisdom and maturity is beyond my age (I'm 22). However, he "doesn't want to wait years and years till he next has sex". Therefore, even though he thinks the right guy will wait, he isn't the right person for me. 

 

I don't think that I've necessarily fallen for him, but the fact that a guy could look past all that connection, attraction and bonding we'd had and completely cut off all sorts of communication just because I am not willing to sleep with him is quite shocking. He said he isn't a player and isn't after a fling, but as part of a long-term relationship, he expects sex well before engagement and marriage. 

 

I'm sure that some of you have experienced something similar. How did you deal with it? Any suggestions? 

 

Thank you in advance :) 

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Hey there!

 

I hope you are feeling better now. 

 

This is almost exactly what happened to me last year. And it is really heart break to find out that just because of sex, he would let go of everything. It feels like you are not worth of a relationship if there is no sex. Honestly, it affected me so much up to the point that i doubted myself whether what i was standing for was right or wrong. 

 

I prayed a lot and asked God for strength. I felt like life was playing a game with me. Here i am waiting for for so long for someone to like me and be in a relationship with me, and when i got it this problem came, and he chose sex over me. I was angry.

 

But you know what? God was there and still here with me and with all of us. It will hurt right now and make you doubt at times. But stay firm. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

One thing that helped me as well was this site. Really! not that i am exaggerating or what but knowing and being with people with the same stand truly helps.

 

You can private message me if you want to talk some more about it.

 

Be strong! God is with us.

 

Joy 

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If he's really worth keeping, he'll wait for you. Relationships should be about give and take, sacrifice. Who knows what other sorts of things he won't budge on down the road if he's not willing to sacrifice sex to be with you.

Also, he can be unhappy with your decision without cutting off communication. The fact that he's not even willing to try and wait raises a pretty big red flag, even though you might be better off for it in the long run. Dating someone who is that unwilling to wait is likely to bring a lot of temptation into your relationship.

Things like this drive us guy waiters crazy! We're waiting patiently for a girl we can spoil and wait with, and a guy like this doesn't appreciate what he has. Shame, shame.

There is no easy way to handle a situation like this, I know. You should do what you feel to be the right thing in your heart, but keep in mind that there are plenty of waiters and even non-waiters out there who would love your decision to wait and would be happy to wait with you. 

 

Hope this helps!  :)

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If he's really worth keeping, he'll wait for you. Relationships should be about give and take, sacrifice. Who knows what other sorts of things he won't budge on down the road if he's not willing to sacrifice sex to be with you.

Also, he can be unhappy with your decision without cutting off communication. The fact that he's not even willing to try and wait raises a pretty big red flag, even though you might be better off for it in the long run. Dating someone who is that unwilling to wait is likely to bring a lot of temptation into your relationship.

Things like this drive us guy waiters crazy! We're waiting patiently for a girl we can spoil and wait with, and a guy like this doesn't appreciate what he has. Shame, shame.

This isn't really fair. Sex is an extremely important part of relationships. So important that we have an entire website devoted to saving it for after marriage. If anything, I commend the man for telling her early and avoiding more heartbreak and sorrow down the road.

The thing about give and take, is that it goes both ways. Waiting is entirely giving for a non-waiter, as everything else about a relationship that they're still doing, is being given to both parties. You act as if someone that doesn't want to wait is completely unworthy of a waiter's affections, however that's not true. Non-waiter's need sex just like we need to wait, there's nobody standing next to us with a gun to our heads telling us "Wait!/Don't wait!". It's a choice we make and it's equally valid no matter which path we choose. Just as we're allowed to say that we need to wait, so they are allowed to say that they need to have sex in a relationship.

Cutting off communication might seem harsh, but in the long run it might be for the best. This way neither of them are tempted back into a relationship they know won't work. Even if it hurts now, that pain will vanish soon enough. If they date for another year and then break up again, that anguish would last far longer. Whether or not it's the right choice remains to be seen. But for now, giving themselves time to heal is a good idea.

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I'm sorry that happened, but at least he was honest about it. Cheer up! The right guy will treat you better than he ever could.

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I've been rejected and have rejected others advances simply based on my decision to wait, the only thing that I could think of to say to someone who hurt you because of your decision would go something like this.

What great standards for par you have? But it's not your fault, for the society in which we live has manipulated and deteriorated not only the image of masculinity but also success in this day and age. Not only does it disgust me, it also strums a chord in the social and political realm of entropy, which is disguised by the constant blunder of ethnomethodology... In other words, it's quite shallow to want sex apart from intimacy.

Don't let one guy get you down and out, trust me, it may not seem like there are any of us out there that are actually worth the time, but there are.

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Alright, here it goes. And please forgive me, for I am probably about to lose many "cool points":

 

He seems like scum.  It stinks when someone seems so lovely, but you realize that their blood is predictably diverted to their genitals rather than the VITAL organs - namely, the heart, and the brain.

 

Over the years, I've found a way to break down attitudes toward intimacy into three perspectives, if you will:

(1) Believing love and sex to be SEPARATE

(2) Believing love and sex to be the SAME

(3) Believing love and sex can be EITHER separate OR the same, depending on the situation

 

Typically, us waiters would think the first perspective is bad - sex is loveless, and that's not what we're going for.

BUT we may consider the second perspective - viewing love and sex as the same - as the best one.  But it's not.  This guy you were interested in is a perfect example of this second perspective - if he's in love, he's having sex, no question about it, because to him, LOVE is SEX, and SEX is LOVE.

 

You have the wisdom to have adopted the third perspective - you realize that in marriage, they are the same, but OUTSIDE of marriage, they are separate. Unfortunately, he hasn't realized that.  And he may never.

 

Why does this matter?

 

There's a lot of talk on this forum about whether or not to be with "non-waiters".  Some say you should hold out for a waiter, others say you should not care about their stance on it.  But I don't think it's that clear cut.

 
I know @Mike will attest to this - there's been enough social psychology research suggesting that successful relationships are based on similarity.  However, if you further understand the literature, you will notice that the similarity being discussed is not in personality (I do believe contrasting personalities can make for great relationships), but in VALUES.
 
You and this guy do not share the same values.  I don't think one's sexual history needs to be a concern, but what does is their values - how does this person think of the relationship between sex and love?  This contrast in values you two have is where, even if things did continue, they would fall apart.  Even if he decided he'd "wait with you", as long as those values are not truly HIS values, they will never be genuine, and it might start to feel condescending to you that he's sort of humouring you and giving you what you want so EVENTUALLY he can have sex with you.
 
In my last relationship, I realized in retrospect it would have never worked.  She said she wanted to wait, but she didn't really.  So her history was always an issue because of that.  History aside, we didn't share the same values.  And when you don't share values directly related to the relationship you're in, it's always going to feel incomplete.
 
So, basically, if this guy cares so much about sex, you shouldn't waste your time with him.  When you find someone who shares values with you, snag them up, because THEN the intimacy will be PERFECT - both the nonsexual intimacy before marriage, and the wild, crazy, mind-blowing, geez-we've-been-so-good-holding-back-all-this-time-because-we-know-it-was-the-morally-right-thing-to-do-for-each-other-but-we-just-got-married-a-few-hours-ago-so-treat-me-like-Burger-King-and-have-me-your-way-baby sexual intimacy in marriage.
 
I think I lost 600CP for this post, but I think it's important for any woman like you, in the age where most men think with their penises, to know what you're worth.
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You act as if someone that doesn't want to wait is completely unworthy of a waiter's affections, however that's not true. 

 

Actually, I pointed out that he can be unhappy with her decision to wait without cutting off communication, thus I never said he was unworthy because he didn't want to wait. But, we must distinguish between not wanting to wait and not willing to wait. To be frank, someone who doesn't respect someone's decision to wait to the point that they're not willing to wait with them, should probably not be with that person, and I think most here would agree with that. It's a pretty personal rejection, and many of us have a similar story of someone who did not respect our big decision. Also, she isn't the one cutting off communications for his decision NOT to wait. That is give on her part, but not on his. 

 

I didn't really want to get into an argument so quickly into my time here, but such is the nature of forums, I guess.

Paul basically just said what I was trying to say in a much more epic way. So thank you, Paul.  :)

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He said he didn't expect me to be a virgin because I'm an attractive girl whose intelligence, wisdom and maturity is beyond my age (I'm 22). However, he "doesn't want to wait years and years till he next has sex". Therefore, even though he thinks the right guy will wait, he isn't the right person for me. 

 

How did you deal with it? Any suggestions?

Don't walk away. Run. First, he's already stooped to flattering you, a sure sign of trouble ahead. Second, a man worth having will respect you, and will want to preserve and protect your honor and dignity, not abuse it. And he will have some self-respect too.

Realistically, most of us have hormones and don't want to wait years and years to have sex. But we do.

And the other thing I've learned is that just because you have a lot in common with someone and get along really well on general topics doesn't mean they're a good match. It's the values and beliefs that need to be in common.

I have to say PaulJustPaul put this all pretty well in his own way a couple posts above.

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Wow, you guys are amazing, thank you so much! I really, really appreciate it and it's great to have this community out there. I purchased the WTM Guide yesterday and reading through it has really helped too. You guys have given a few different perspectives, all of which make a lot of sense, and PaulJustPaul, your explanations are excellent :) 

 

I'm in no way blaming him for anything as such. I also don't feel like I'm more "moral" than him or "better" than him, because when it comes down to it, I'm expecting him to make a sacrifice that he isn't willing to make. I think the heartbreak comes from knowing that he thinks nothing else that I do will ever make him happy, all because I'm not willing to sleep with him till marriage. It can be a pretty lonely and depressing thought, as if I'd never be good enough for a relationship for the majority of the population. But oh well, perhaps it's all better in the long run. As a few of you have pointed out, even if he said he'd be willing to wait, it would've backfired at some point, sooner or later. 

 

Thank you for listening and offering your advice, I'm ever so thankful :)

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This isn't really fair. Sex is an extremely important part of relationships. So important that we have an entire website devoted to saving it for after marriage. If anything, I commend the man for telling her early and avoiding more heartbreak and sorrow down the road.

The thing about give and take, is that it goes both ways. Waiting is entirely giving for a non-waiter, as everything else about a relationship that they're still doing, is being given to both parties. You act as if someone that doesn't want to wait is completely unworthy of a waiter's affections, however that's not true. Non-waiter's need sex just like we need to wait, there's nobody standing next to us with a gun to our heads telling us "Wait!/Don't wait!". It's a choice we make and it's equally valid no matter which path we choose. Just as we're allowed to say that we need to wait, so they are allowed to say that they need to have sex in a relationship.

Cutting off communication might seem harsh, but in the long run it might be for the best. This way neither of them are tempted back into a relationship they know won't work. Even if it hurts now, that pain will vanish soon enough. If they date for another year and then break up again, that anguish would last far longer. Whether or not it's the right choice remains to be seen. But for now, giving themselves time to heal is a good idea.

If sex is "an extremely important part of relationships" are you saying pre-marital relationships are not real relationships?

 

I don't feel it is "extremely "important at all. Maybe in a marriage it is more important than in pre-marital relationships but there is far more to a relationship (whether pre-marital or not) than sex.

 

And this website is not purely 'waiting-for-sex' orientated, as a waiter I'm waiting for much more than that, my waiting goes deeper than that.

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If sex is "an extremely important part of relationships" are you saying pre-marital relationships are not real relationships?

That's like saying that if hearing is an important part of being human, deaf people aren't really human. It's a ridiculous statement.

 

 

I don't feel it is "extremely "important at all. Maybe in a marriage it is more important than in pre-marital relationships but there is far more to a relationship (whether pre-marital or not) than sex.

And that's fine, you're allowed to think that. However the fact remains, sex is an important part of normal relationships. Just because waiters put it off for a while does not mean it is any less important.

 

And this website is not purely 'waiting-for-sex' orientated, as a waiter I'm waiting for much more than that, my waiting goes deeper than that.

WTM.org is a community for people who have decided to wait until marriage to have sex.

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No...sex is only important and necessary in its rightful context which is marriage. @Mirage

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No...sex is only important and necessary in its rightful context which is marriage. @Mirage

I tend to agree with this line of thought for people who wish to experience sex.

 

ETA: I've had similar experiences so you aren't alone Snowflakes. One girl I had a serious crush on and hung out with all of the time told me she didn't see herself ever being in a monogamous relationship and even went on to say she couldn't stand the fact that her mother had been faithful to her father for 15 years of marriage. I'm glad she got it off her chest as I won't waste time thinking about any possibility of a relationship now.

 

Its hurts to realize people you thought were good aren't what they appear to be but, it will get better with time.

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Alright, here it goes. And please forgive me, for I am probably about to lose many "cool points":

 
I think I lost 600CP for this post, but I think it's important for any woman like you, in the age where most men think with their penises, to know what you're worth.

 

 

You lost no points...You actually scored MAJOR points!!

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He actually got in touch again and said that he wants to be friends. Is it really possible to be "friends" with someone who rejects you because you won't have sex with him before marriage? :/

P.S. I really appreciate every single reply, you guys are awesome :)

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He actually got in touch again and said that he wants to be friends. Is it really possible to be "friends" with someone who rejects you because you won't have sex with him before marriage? :/

P.S. I really appreciate every single reply, you guys are awesome :)

Quite possible, just because he doesn't see you two working out romantically does not mean he doesn't want to continue being your friend. As you said, the two of you have a great rapport, you have interesting conversations and he's fun to be around.

If two people couldn't be friends because they didn't see eye to eye on certain values, religion would rip the world apart.

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I agree with Mirage. Also, I disagree with those that think he's "scum" and rather think that he did the best thing he could do for you in that situation (barring his mind/outlook/values being changed to align with yours with regard to WTM I suppose) by not pursuing a relationship with you. That may have saved your friendship in itself because, as I've observed in my life, the closer you get to being "in a relationship" with someone, the harder it is to stay friends once that is off the table. So, if you both want to remain friends and you believe you are capable of letting the romantic feelings die, then I think it's certainly worth trying to stay friends.

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I'd also say he might be trying to "keep his options open" and maybe he is hoping that maybe you would change your mind then you guys could be a romantic couple -all I'm saying is I'd be careful with the decision of "being friends" with him.

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I'd also say he might be trying to "keep his options open" and maybe he is hoping that maybe you would change your mind then you guys could be a romantic couple -all I'm saying is I'd be careful with the decision of "being friends" with him.

 

That's a possibility, sure, but if that's his end-game, wouldn't it have made more sense to play that angle from within a relationship like so many other guys do, rather than reject her and then try to stay friends?

 

I agree though that she should be careful in general to stick to her principles (most waiters need to be).

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Whether or not you should become friends with him is something only you can determine. He's already established that he doesn't value or respect your feelings by saying he wasn't interested in a long term non physical relationship with you. I wouldn't expect someone who cared about me to put arbitrary/self serving limitations on how much they will invest in me, emotionally or physically, solely based on my personal convictions.

 

I didn't see if he made any attempts to apologize for hurting you? A true friend would have realized how damaging words can be to someone's beliefs and attempted to reconcile or apologize at a minimum.

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Whether or not you should become friends with him is something only you can determine. He's already established that he doesn't value or respect your feelings by saying he wasn't interested in a long term non physical relationship with you. I wouldn't expect someone who cared about me to put arbitrary/self serving limitations on how much they will invest in me, emotionally or physically, solely based on my personal convictions.

 

I didn't see if he made any attempts to apologize for hurting you? A true friend would have realized how damaging words can be to someone's beliefs and attempted to reconcile or apologize at a minimum.

 

Wow, thank you so much, that quite accurately describes how I felt! I thought I was irrational for feeling like he should have apologised (he didn't). And now I don't feel so unreasonable anymore :)

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Whether or not you should become friends with him is something only you can determine. He's already established that he doesn't value or respect your feelings by saying he wasn't interested in a long term non physical relationship with you. I wouldn't expect someone who cared about me to put arbitrary/self serving limitations on how much they will invest in me, emotionally or physically, solely based on my personal convictions.

 

I didn't see if he made any attempts to apologize for hurting you? A true friend would have realized how damaging words can be to someone's beliefs and attempted to reconcile or apologize at a minimum.

How has he established that? Waiting is not for everyone, he did what he did because he respected her feelings and values. By forcing a non waiter to wait you are telling them that you don't care about their own personal convictions concerning the subject and are only interested in your own.

 

By apologizing he is admitting that he is in the wrong for not dating her due to her belief in WTM. He's not wrong, as a non waiter he is doing the right thing by not allowing her to pursue a relationship with a very dubious future. He could always apologize for not being able to make the relationship work, provided he didn't do that when they broke up. But I don't see why he would need to apologize for not waiting. 

 

Isn't what he's doing reconciling? He's trying to become friends again, trying to regain their old relationship from before they started dating. That sounds like reconciliation to me.

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He should apologize to her because he is wrong for turning her down just for the reason of not being able to have sex with her until marriage. It is such a shallow thing to limit how far you will go in a relationship based on how much you can physically get out of it. Relationships shouldn't be structured on the physicality of it- that is a weak structure isn't it?

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And rejecting people who aren't initially waiters isn't as equally shallow? A lot of people here have that as a deal breaker.

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