Lizzie

How Much Is Too Much?

26 posts in this topic

You've been dating, decided that he/she is The One, he gets down on one knee, she tearfully accepts, and then the all important relationship status change on Facebook.  Now the planning begins.  

 

Let's say that the two of you are paying for the majority of the wedding; parents will chip in here and there, but are not willing/able to finance the entire event.  

 

My questions are these...

 

- Gentlemen - You love your bride, you would do anything for her, but she wants what she wants and is looking at you to hand over the cash.  At what point would you say this is too much?  Would you tell her that the ice sculptures and swans may be a little over the top?  Or would you head to the bank and apply for a loan because after all she will be your wife?

 

- Ladies - You finally get to plan the wedding of your dreams, the wedding that you have pictured for years.  Would you ask your groom to pay for everything?  Would you ask for his input and help in planning or just tell him when to show up because this is your day?  

 

- Everyone - If you do decide on a large affair, would you make sure your registry covers the cost of the wedding so you "get your money back" in gifts?

 

Let me hear your thoughts...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't dream of asking the groom to pay for everything - I would feel awful if I did not contribute my fair share of the costs! Likewise, I would not expect my guests to 'cover my costs' with gifts from the registry.  

 

Like most girls, I have a dream of how my ideal wedding would be, but I would take into account my groom's ideas for the day and compromise accordingly.  In fact I would be happy if the groom wanted to organise everything - less stress for me!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some guys understand how important having the perfect wedding is to most girls. After all, it's only every girl's dream since childhood. Any decent guy would love to give his bride said perfect wedding if he could. The problem is that some girls' expectations of a perfect wedding can be a bit....excessive and as such it can be really expensive. Sometimes it's not always practical or even feasible especially when the groom is expected to cover the whole bill and he doesn't make that much. So yeah, it can be a sensitive subject when a girl's expectations exceeds what a man can provide, even more so if she is not picking up any of the tab. How does that make us men feel? Pretty inadequate, I'd imagine.

 

There comes a point when you have to take off the fantasy glasses and see the practicality of how to conduct a wedding. Many couples start their marriage off in debt because of the insurmountable wedding costs. I know that the experience is important for memories sake, but to shell out more money than you can handle for just a single day is too much and financially irresponsible. I'm not saying it's always the bride's fault but if I was with a girl that had this mentality, that is not a girl I'd want to marry in the first place.

 

Finally, I think sometimes we mistake more = best. Weddings do not have to cost you your soul to be "perfect" or memorable. Some of the best weddings I've been to were small, intimate and only costed a couple thousand tops. My cousin's wedding was a prime example. She and her husband were able to cut costs in so many ways and were able to have a great wedding. That's because my aunt sewed my cousin's wedding dress and her sister baked in amazing cake. Plus the venue was held at my uncle's field behind his house. The bill could have been much higher has they gotten professionals to do all that. There is just something that makes it more special when you've had close family have a hand in preparing for the wedding. So the wedding was great, romantic and the best part was that my cousin and her husband were able to afford an even more amazing honeymoon from all the money they saved.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, while I would love a beautiful wedding with all my family and friends, I think would prefer to save the money and put towards something else. I think I'd get a dress (probably used or on sale) and have my closest family and friends come to whatever type of ceremony it is. Then maybe have a big potluck type dinner after with who ever wanted to come.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How about we just skip the wedding part?

I don't think I would be okay spending a lot on a wedding. I plan on DIY-ing a bunch of stuff and not inviting a lot of people if I ever get married. I rather spend more on the honeymoon.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would definitely not ask him to pay for everything. I'd like a simpler wedding anyways, but nothing wrong with it being nice and beautiful and what not- but in perspective--the wedding ceremony is a day--the marriage is for a lifetime.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your responses!

 

This is something I'm struggling with right now.  The woman is pretty much taking for granted that he will pay for everything.  I'm not saying it's to the extreme of ice sculptures and swans - at least not that I know of - but there is a lot of money going out for this one day.  I've planned some rather large but very nice events in my life and know what the costs have been for those, not even close to what I know/estimate he is/will be shelling out.  

 

In fact I would be happy if the groom wanted to organise everything - less stress for me!

 

I love it 29K!  I hope you do find a groom that will want to organize everything!  

 

Finally, I think sometimes we mistake more = best. Weddings do not have to cost you your soul to be "perfect" or memorable. Some of the best weddings I've been to were small, intimate and only costed a couple thousand tops. My cousin's wedding was a prime example. She and her husband were able to cut costs in so many ways and were able to have a great wedding. That's because my aunt sewed my cousin's wedding dress and her sister baked in amazing cake. Plus the venue was held at my uncle's field behind his house. The bill could have been much higher has they gotten professionals to do all that. There is just something that makes it more special when you've had close family have a hand in preparing for the wedding. So the wedding was great, romantic and the best part was that my cousin and her husband were able to afford an even more amazing honeymoon from all the money they saved.

 

This is perfect, envincebal!  I offered to have the reception at my house, which would allow them to be married in his home church = no costs for the venues.  Alas, not even a consideration.  

 

Personally, while I would love a beautiful wedding with all my family and friends, I think would prefer to save the money and put towards something else. 

 

I agree, Hannah.  I've planned nice events that did not break the bank or the budget I was given.  

 

I don't think I would be okay spending a lot on a wedding. 

 

Me neither, Daydreamer.  It's my practical nature.  

 

I would definitely not ask him to pay for everything. I'd like a simpler wedding anyways, but nothing wrong with it being nice and beautiful and what not- but in perspective--the wedding ceremony is a day--the marriage is for a lifetime.

 

Very true, holdingtohope.  Very true. 

 

***

 

Maybe I'm just too practical.  I would never dream of looking to my groom for all the cash.  We'd talk about what each of us wanted and plan accordingly.  A wedding can be simple and beautiful without costing beaucoup dollars.  

 

I know that I'm probably in the minority, but I've never been a fan of registries.  I understand the reason behind them, but it's always bothered me that the surprise has been taken out of opening gifts.  The couple goes crazy with the scan gun, then when you open presents you know exactly how much has been spent on each gift.  I can probably count on one hand the times I've purchased from a registry and that's only because I went in with others for a gift.  

 

I don't want to be so tired and place so much emphasis on the wedding that I can't focus on my groom on our wedding night.  I'm just weird like that... 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If I marry my girlfriend it will be easy. Chinese weddings involve all the guests bringing loads of cash (about $200) per person, which should actually make the wedding profitable

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There should be a balance between practical and extravagant. Things that are necessary to a successful event vs things that are nice to have but not essential. A good venue is important, but it doesn't have to be the most expensive building in the state. I would consider places like a relatively private beach, a large private garden, or like you offered, a friend's estate.

Decor, well, I'd suggest that it be complete but not beyond necessary. Try to have the environment the bride wants without splurging.

And I think that if there are more than a handful of guests, a good photographer and a good caterer are essential.

If I had the money on hand to spend, then going all out would be fun, but most of us (including me) don't have a lot of savings to spend and it would be foolish in my opinion to go into debt beyond a few $K to pull the day off.

I haven't put much thought into a gift registry (how male of me) but I'm not against something simple that allows people to chose something they know is wanted. But I would limit the items to essentials and let people who wanted to buy fancier items do so outside the registry but with its contents and theme as a guide. And I would not count on it to get 'money back' to offset what we spent on the wedding vs what we should have spent on setting up our home.

Overall, I don't have much family or many friends on my side, so this feature would be more for my bride's benefit and guests. My opinions, of course, and women have this way of seeing these things differently too... ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

See, here's the thing with me. I have this dream/fantasy wedding in my head that's perfect in every way that would cost more than I'd ever make in my lifetime. This wedding usually becomes more expensive the longer I'm on Pintrest, but that's beside the point. Then there's the practical and more likely to happen wedding that's simple and beautiful in it's own way. But to answer your question, no I wouldn't expect him to pay for the entire thing. I plan on paying my fair share because once the wedding's over, we'll be sharing everything anyway. As for a gift registry. I wouldn't know what to put on it as I have a hope chest where I've been storing things for when I move out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This wedding usually becomes more expensive the longer I'm on Pintrest, but that's beside the point.

 

Pinterest is a time stealing trap that I have fallen into more than once!  (And there are so many good ideas on there...)  My problem is that I'm a practical dreamer.  I have ideas, but usually rein them into something attainable.  Probably the most expensive item on my wedding list will be candles.  I've always wanted to get married after dark by candlelight.  

 

 

And I think that if there are more than a handful of guests, a good photographer and a good caterer are essential.

 

You are correct, but I've worked with enough caterers and photographers over the years to know that the most expensive aren't always the best.  

 

 

One of my problems with the registries is that so many couples have homes of their own or have been living together for years and just want more stuff.  I have a whole house full of stuff so why would I want to add more to it, plus my groom's stuff.  If you are just starting out, by all means go for the registry, but keep it simple and don't be upset when people don't buy from it.  

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All I have to say is...I want a beautiful wedding (it'll probably medium sized), BUT I want my honeymoon to be well financed too ;) (budget the wedding nicely and splurge on the honeymoon lol)

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

- Ladies - You finally get to plan the wedding of your dreams, the wedding that you have pictured for years. 

 

A wedding I have pictured for years?  I haven't pictured a wedding for years.  Women do that? 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Meh, I have vague ideas about what I'd like my wedding day to be like, and yeah, I'd like it to be beautiful. Hopefully, that's not going to make it expensive!

 

I'd like to think that I'll be able to be frugal and not splash out on useless crap that doesn't matter. I read somewhere that psychologically, every person has a mental money limit, where they'll see anything up to that amount as cheap and won't be afraid to buy it on impulse, and anything over that they'll really have to think about. I'm sure this study gave the average amount as something like £5 ($8.25). I thought to myself, "Five pounds? You kidding me? I won't buy something on impulse if it's more than £2.50!

 

So, yeah, hopefully that's a good sign that I won't be tempted to spend a fortune on a wedding. I think the dress will be the most expensive thing by far (apart from reception venue etc.). I'd like to hope that my fiancé isn't going to be the kind of man who'll be afraid to say no if he thinks something's too expensive.

 

Wedding day is one day. Give me a nice dress and shoes, half-decent flowers and a beautiful church (which is technically FREE), and just skimp on the optional stuff. Table decorations? I'm thinking origami flowers and birds and whatnot. Invitations? Get my best friend (manga enthusiast) to design something nice and print that up. Music? Call up the choir I'm currently a member of and ask them to do it. I don't want to spend too much on stuff that isn't "essential".

 

Also, I'm hoping for a honeymoon in Paris, so it'd be a good idea not to waste money on a wedding so there's more for that. Again, I'm thinking cheap flights + splash out on fairly fancy hotel with nice view and comfy king-sized bed (and large bath?) + sightseeing (especially at free locations like Catholic churches).

 

xxx

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree, weddings are one day as a celebration for your love for one another.  I would much rather have a simple but elegant (think night, lots of candles, and white Christmas lights) wedding and go somewhere nice and private with my groom for a couple of weeks (or longer) where clocks and phones don't exist.  

 

I attended a wedding a couple of months ago - it was very simple; they had the wedding in the sanctuary and the reception downstairs in the church.  It was simple, but people had the best time sitting around and talking.  No need to break the bank so you have to come back from your honeymoon all stressed out about how you are going to pay for a day that is left only in pictures and your memories.  

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think we'd encounter this kind of problem.  Yes, my wife should get the wedding she always dreamed of.  However, if we truly are meant for each other, she won't be so materialistic, as that is something I am not.  She'll have what she wants, but that won't be unreasonable, because that won't be her.  What will matter is that the people we love are there.

 

Probably no ice-swans.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well like most of you , I will not ask my husband to pay it all,actually I will feel better if i can pay for my own wedding alone(after saving my money), because I know I want it big, beautiful and perfect...

 

But I don't think I would like anybody to organise the thing for me, because if there is one mistake I'll freak out...

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So... how many people replying have actually planned a wedding?

 

While my husband and I certainly took an unconventional route (tiny wedding ceremony, three wedding receptions), we have been surprised at how much things cost. This is especially true when you don't have friendors (friend + vendor) available to help you out. It's also true if you happen to live in an area with a higher cost-of-living.

 

My parents paid for the reception in my hometown. I don't know how much they paid, but I do know that some of the individual costs were affordable simply because my hometown is a very small town. I researched comparable expenses (venue, catering, photographer, etc) in the city where I lived prior to marriage, and the difference was staggering. Venues were 2-5x as expensive as the venue in my hometown, for example.

 

You can DIY your entire wedding, but you still have to pay the cost of materials. If you have a big family, it won't be easy to limit your guest list to save per-person catering costs. Even the most budget-friendly wedding dresses often need alterations, which can be even more expensive than the dress.

 

While I love the spirit of all of your responses, because fiscal responsibility is SO important and a lack of materialism is an important characteristic, I just caution y'all not to judge your friends or families if wedding budgets are discussed. And when it comes time to plan your own wedding, do some research on local vendors before setting a budget. While a wedding should never put a couple into debt, that doesn't mean you should be unrealistic about the time and money needed to put on a wedding, even a wedding that ISN'T of your dreams. I know my husband has loosened up a lot on our budget (which I told him in the beginning was completely unrealistic) now that we've actually had to pay for things.

 

Oh, and to the original question? The couple should decide together who contributes what money. The assumption that in a male-female wedding, a man pays for everything, is based on the idea that he makes more money. Modern finances are more complicated and diverse than that! My husband and I have officially combined finances now, but when we were paying for things in advance, we acted as though our finances were already combined. We both bought decorations, plane tickets, etc., and just kept track of those expenses within our wedding budget spreadsheet.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've not planned a wedding, but I have looked stuff up...I don't know why, just have. :) I like the idea of an elopement package. They range in cost, but one of the ones I like is about $1,000. Comes with food, a hotel rooms, photographer, music, venue, etc. I'd still buy a dress, but most of the other costs would be covered.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I always thought weddings are overrated anyway  hahaha , but maybe I will change my mind after awhile -who knows -  ...

 

 I will reply to the bride part , though

 

If I ever wanted a fancy big wedding , ( which I am against anyway ) , I wouldn't demand him to pay for it ... we can share  :D  

my dad wouldn't mind helping as well ....

 

but ,  for me

as long as you have that one person you chose to spend the rest of your life with , the one person who holds your heart & you are absolutely sure he will always do for the rest of your days , the one who makes the rest of the world seem in black & white & he is the only one in color ... the one who knows your little tiny  dark corners of your soul , & still stands still ....

the list goes on ........

 

as long as I have this ... I need nothing else ... oh oh , maybe a white dress & some decent pants for him hahahahaha ,

that's all ... anything else just  details , details , blah, blah  ... " sigh "  ^_^

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If she needs our wedding to be over the top to feel good about things, then I’d say she isn’t the one for me. And I would hopefully know this about her before I ask for her hand in marriage.

I’m not materialistic, and I don’t want my bride to be either. Yes, we can have nice things, but we don’t need to pursue them.

As for gifts/registry. I dunno about my bride, but I just as soon not get any gifts, or if guests are gonna be offended because they just *have* to give something…they can donate money to a women’s/children’s shelter, or humane society, or cancer/medical research. Or any charity of their choosing. I am quite blessed and not in need of anything. Although a Kitchen-Aid mixer might be handy! :D

Now if I could just find my princess. Castle is prepared, just awaiting on her arrival.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As for gifts/registry. I dunno about my bride, but I just as soon not get any gifts, or if guests are gonna be offended because they just *have* to give something…they can donate money to a women’s/children’s shelter, or humane society, or cancer/medical research. Or any charity of their choosing. I am quite blessed and not in need of anything. 

 

YES!!  THIS!!!   Personally, I've never cared for registries when I see how and why and what people put on them...

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wanna get married!? :D But yeah, some of the things I have seen on registries seem like they're being greedy or trying to "recoup the costs of the wedding". It would be interesting if there was a study somewhere that showed whether "over the top/gotta have" types stayed married or not. I would be inclined to think they wouldn't last, once reality set in and they had to work at being married. "Who said it was work? I married the wrong one. Off to find the right one".

On another note I would be cool with people bringing their favorite dish and we had a potluck like another mentioned. That weeds out a caterer and people seem to love sharing food. And I love eating, so there ya go! :D

Another thing people could share would be notes of encouragement, struggles and success in their own marriages. Bride and I could then put it in a scrapbook to refer to as needed or just take a trip down memory lane. I am not so naive as to believe the marriage will be rainbows, sprinkled cupcakes and fuzzy bunnies 100% of the time. We could refer to the scrapbook and see what others have gone through and be encouraged that we, too, can make it. What can I say. I am sappy.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now