Guest markb4

Sharing a Bed

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Hey there,

What's it like sharing a bed with someone, especially if it's the first time you've done so?

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Hey there,

What's it like sharing a bed with someone, especially if it's the first time you've done so?

 

It is wonderful!! I was very nervous the first time DD and I shared a bed, so I didn't sleep well. :P  It was worth it, though, because I really enjoyed cuddling  :wub:  Obviously, we are okay with sharing a bed before marriage. I understand that some people are not okay with that, and I totally respect that decision too  ;)

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so there are funny things you suddenly are aware of when you share a bed for the first time.   what am i wearing, do i look silly, am i feeling self-conscious, did i brush my teeth, are my toenails clipped, did i shave my legs (if i am a woman LOL)...   i know these sound like funny silly inconsquential things... but i promise you... these are the things that go through people's minds when they share a bed for the first time!

 

then there's the navigation over which side do you prefer, do you like 1 pillow/2 pillows/covers on/covers off... 

 

and THEN there's the cuddling/no cuddling/do i snore, do i drool, do i talk in my sleep, factors.

 

if we're being completely honest and transparent - there is also likely a bit of nervousness about cuddling and snuggling and warm affection and whether that inadvertently adds sexual tension - or even sexual reaction - to the moment even if you are firmly committed to nothing happening.   without being crass, men are men... and there are certain physical reactions that happen like clockwork at night...   i'm sure i don't need to be more specific in that but we are humans with physiological responses.

 

having said alllll of that.... i'm fully with Sally - sharing a bed is romantic and tender...  and it's also just warm and human to seek the warmth and physical comfort offered by sharing sleep with someone you love.   it does not have to cause undue stress or pressure.   instead, as long as you are open and honest in your discussions about it, sharing a bed can be tender and calming and wonderful to wake up next to the one you love and start the day together.

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Before sharing a bed with my husband (which we did prior to marriage), I always needed a lot of space if I shared a bed with someone, be it my mom or a friend or whomever. The first time I shared a bed with my husband was after our fourth date, and I needed a lot of space, just like I did with friends. The next time was many months later, after we were "official," and it was like heaven. I had no idea that sleeping (literally) with someone else could be so perfect. I LOVE sharing a bed with my husband. We usually fall asleep cuddling. If it's too hot, we fall asleep holding hands or with our feet touching. I sleep so much better when I'm with him than when I sleep alone, even though I wake up more frequently during the night to readjust my position in relation to him.

 

I think the difference between sharing a bed with my husband and anyone else is that I feel comfortable with my husband in a way that I can't feel with anyone else. So I'm not self-conscious or anything when I'm with him.

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Before sharing a bed with my husband (which we did prior to marriage), I always needed a lot of space if I shared a bed with someone, be it my mom or a friend or whomever. The first time I shared a bed with my husband was after our fourth date, and I needed a lot of space, just like I did with friends. The next time was many months later, after we were "official," and it was like heaven. I had no idea that sleeping (literally) with someone else could be so perfect. I LOVE sharing a bed with my husband. We usually fall asleep cuddling. If it's too hot, we fall asleep holding hands or with our feet touching. I sleep so much better when I'm with him than when I sleep alone, even though I wake up more frequently during the night to readjust my position in relation to him.

 

I think the difference between sharing a bed with my husband and anyone else is that I feel comfortable with my husband in a way that I can't feel with anyone else. So I'm not self-conscious or anything when I'm with him.

 

i love what you wrote!  and I felt the same!   sharing a bed with my wife is exactly how you wrote it - i sleep more "solidly" when it's just me (when i'm traveling for work, in a hotel, or she's gone for work and it's just me at home).... but that's not actually the right measure!   I sleep BETTER when she is there...  whether we lightly meld against each other, whether it's just our feet, whether a leg is draped over the other's, whether we are holding hands over and across the dog LOL.   it doesn't ever matter... it's just always better when she is there... even if i snore a little (NO JUDGMENTS!) or if we readjust positions more times during the night.   sleeping WITH your husband/wife (or BF/GF if you choose that in a special relationship) is just that much more subconsciously reassuring - 

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i love what you wrote!  and I felt the same!   sharing a bed with my wife is exactly how you wrote it - i sleep more "solidly" when it's just me (when i'm traveling for work, in a hotel, or she's gone for work and it's just me at home).... but that's not actually the right measure!   I sleep BETTER when she is there...  whether we lightly meld against each other, whether it's just our feet, whether a leg is draped over the other's, whether we are holding hands over and across the dog LOL.   it doesn't ever matter... it's just always better when she is there... even if i snore a little (NO JUDGMENTS!) or if we readjust positions more times during the night.   sleeping WITH your husband/wife (or BF/GF if you choose that in a special relationship) is just that much more subconsciously reassuring - 

 

It is! If I have a frightening or weird dream, I can cuddle up to DD. It's just nice to have someone there to comfort you when you have that "its not real life" realization, and are trying to shake a bad dream off before falling back asleep.

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Heading out for the weekend with my friend. We will share a king size bed and have no chaperone to speak of. I'm not really nervous because we have slept in a hotel room in separate beds many times before and he sleeps on my couch when he comes to stay for the weekend. We have never even held hands! I think we are strong enough and hold each other accountable for our actions. It took him a while to be comfortable enough to be able to sleep in the same room. We've grown so much in our friendship it's not so hard anymore. I'll let you know how it goes...lol...

Still waiting

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How do you share a bed with someone without wanting to tear their clothes off? Isn't that playing with fire if you really want to wait until marriage (for everything, that is)? I guess it's different for couples who are sexually active who are doing "everything but", but what about the true waiters who want to wait for everything?

I agree COMPLETELY. I'm glad someone sees my point of view. It's definitely playing with fire. If you wanna wait and if you are really and truly serious about that you shouldn't put your own levels of self-control to the test, temptation is very real and no-one is immune to it people should just be sensible and put up necessary boundaries to make life easier for yourself and your partner, one of those necessary boundaries being not sharing a bed until marriage, it's far too intimate and to be honest, I'm waiting for real intimacy until there is a wedding ring on my finger. I think because people know they want to be together they act like they are already married but it's dangerous.

 

But yes, like you said, things are different for everyone because different people are waiting for different things; some people on here have expressed that they see waiting as only waiting for penetrative sex, others are waiting for any kind of sex. Personally, I'm waiting for all kinds of sex but also as a Christian I am supposed to guard my heart, it is also about waiting to share your heart and soul with that person, not necessarily until marriage but you are not supposed to very readily give that away because like with your body, if with every person of the opposite sex you meet, you tell them every single aspect of your life and allow yourself to get very very close to them and trust them completely etc, what will you have to offer your husband? (This is just the Christian view anyway).

The way I see it is until I have that ring on my finger I am not married, no-one knows what will happen before then, people DO break up with people in their engagement, people have told me personally about how they wanted to wait until marriage but lost their virginity during their engagement and then they split up with that person, engagement or knowing you both want to marry is not enough to allow yourself to loosen all of the boundaries, we must treat our partner and ourselves with respect and respect the fact that we are still unmarried and must behave as though we aren't and allow ourselves to be so free with each other, to be wearing minimal clothing in a secluded setting, in the warmth and dark of a bedroom, coming into very close contact with the other person's both intimate and non-intimate areas in marriage and marriage only. For me there is no point saying I am waiting but behaving like non-Christians who cohabit, living together and sharing a bed, that's great for other people but I am a Christian  and Catholic and in my religion this is wrong before marriage so I won't do it or be encouraged to do so.

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As promised...

I'm gonna tell you how great God is...when I booked our room the only room left at the price I wanted to pay was a king.

When we checked into our room..it was 2 double beds!! I can tell you I breathed a huge sigh of relief when we opened that motel room door. It just proved to me that I am NOT ready to share a bed with this man... 

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As promised...

I'm gonna tell you how great God is...when I booked our room the only room left at the price I wanted to pay was a king.

When we checked into our room..it was 2 double beds!! I can tell you I breathed a huge sigh of relief when we opened that motel room door. It just proved to me that I am NOT ready to share a bed with this man...

That's is great! I'm happy you were blessed like that :)

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How do you share a bed with someone without wanting to tear their clothes off? Isn't that playing with fire if you really want to wait until marriage (for everything, that is)? I guess it's different for couples who are sexually active who are doing "everything but", but what about the true waiters who want to wait for everything?

 

l8dyluck81: I think it all depends on where you draw the line. At first, you are so nervous that nothing happens....you cuddle some and only sleep half of the night, haha. I understand that later it can become difficult, as you become more comfortable with each other and know each other more deeply. However, I will say that there have been times when DD and I did not share a bed or we would "re-draw" lines. When you are with someone, the most important thing is communication and setting limits that you are BOTH comfortable with-if only one person is, then there's a problem. 

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Er..  I had to register just to respond to this.

Seriously? Laying next to someone does not magically make you unable to control yourself. Your hormones are not going to suddenly rage out of control just because you are laying next to your beloved instead of standing next to them. I have slept next to my boyfriend numerous times and I am still a virgin. We've been together 5 years.

In fact, before we even got together, when we both had crushes on each other, I stayed over extremely late at his dorm room watching movies. It was way too late to walk back and we were very tired, so we both went to sleep on his twin-sized bed. It was WAY too small and extremely uncomfortable.. but nothing happened because laying next to someone does NOT mean anything is going to happen. There was absolutely no body contact.

I thought this was some outdated notion from my parent's generation. My mother seems to think that if two people sleep in the same bed, somehow that means sex. That's ridiculous. At my college, it was common for girls and guys to hang out and all fall asleep in each others beds/in the same room, all in a completely platonic way. (The dorms were not separated by gender).  One of my female friends was an extreme cuddle bunny and often passed out cuddling her guy friends. She was and still is, a thorough virgin and didn't even so much kiss a guy until close to graduation.

 

Everybody is different and will never agree on one school of thought. I personally wouldn't trust myself in bed with another woman.

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Heading out for the weekend with my friend. We will share a king size bed and have no chaperone to speak of. I'm not really nervous because we have slept in a hotel room in separate beds many times before and he sleeps on my couch when he comes to stay for the weekend. We have never even held hands! I think we are strong enough and hold each other accountable for our actions. It took him a while to be comfortable enough to be able to sleep in the same room. We've grown so much in our friendship it's not so hard anymore. I'll let you know how it goes...lol...

Still waiting

 

 

If he is willing to sleep on your couch when he comes to stay for the weekend, I think you're good to go. :) The guys you have to worry about are the ones who question and push-they are very frustrating to deal with. :P

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this is the moment of truth isnt it......obviously ive never shared a bed with anyone and if I'm honest I'm a bit scared of it really.....

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I've shared a bed with my sister and my brother before. Being a middle child, I shared a room with either one of them. I've also shared a bed with my lady friends when we've gone out of town. :)

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Er..  I had to register just to respond to this.

Seriously? Laying next to someone does not magically make you unable to control yourself. Your hormones are not going to suddenly rage out of control just because you are laying next to your beloved instead of standing next to them. I have slept next to my boyfriend numerous times and I am still a virgin. We've been together 5 years.

In fact, before we even got together, when we both had crushes on each other, I stayed over extremely late at his dorm room watching movies. It was way too late to walk back and we were very tired, so we both went to sleep on his twin-sized bed. It was WAY too small and extremely uncomfortable.. but nothing happened because laying next to someone does NOT mean anything is going to happen. There was absolutely no body contact.

I thought this was some outdated notion from my parent's generation. My mother seems to think that if two people sleep in the same bed, somehow that means sex. That's ridiculous. At my college, it was common for girls and guys to hang out and all fall asleep in each others beds/in the same room, all in a completely platonic way. (The dorms were not separated by gender).  One of my female friends was an extreme cuddle bunny and often passed out cuddling her guy friends. She was and still is, a thorough virgin and didn't even so much kiss a guy until close to graduation.

Duh, of course people can control themselves. My point was simply that when you put yourself in such a tempting position, the proximity and intimacy of sleeping next to each other can make it much harder to say no. 

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Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, sleeping in the same bed before marriage is playing with fire.  Why put yourself in a tempting situation like that in the first place?

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The few times I've actually slept in the same bed as my boyfriend have been because one or both of us has been too exhausted to head home, so there wasn't any temptation then. But we also dated throughout high school, and neither of us have our own places yet, so a bed is basically the only furniture we each have had throughout our entire relationship. Since it's a multi-purpose piece of furniture to us (a desk/chair/couch/table/sleeping device combined), hanging out on the same bed really did not present any extra temptation at all.

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I definitely stand by what I said.

 

To those who portray couples sleeping in the same bed as some innocent thing that doesn't generate a strong dose of temptation; What kind of advice can I imagine they would give if someone were to ask them about the nature of sleeping in the same bed with someone they love?

 

When people portray on a public forum about 'Waiting Till Marriage' that sleeping in the same bed isn't a big deal, other impressionable people may take that and run with it, and I think people should be cognizant that what they say is being read by all kinds of people, some who may be somewhat naive. So in a sense it is like giving your advice if someone reading is trying to determine what is right for them.

 

We have to watch what we say when other's can be influenced by it. This sleeping in the same bed business is the kind of situation that can lead to people doing things that once done, they can never undo. It can easily lead to that.

 

 

RazzleDazzle, on 31 May 2014 - 6:19 PM, said:

 

"This sounds like the kind of logic used to justify rape i.e. "Oh, she was dressed provocatively, I couldn't stop myself", which is never justifiable in any circumstance."

 

 

 

I'm glad you said this, and not me because nothing, absolutely nothing I said is remotely related to rape.

 

The subject at hand is that when two people sleep overnight in the same bed, it's going to create a huge amount of unnecessary temptation and it's going to make it much harder not to engage in  CONSENSUAL sexuality activity. 

 

RazzleDazzle, on 31 May 2014 - 6:19 PM, said:

 

 

If you suspect you can't control yourself in a situation, then don't do it.

 

 

 

Even devout religious people have lost control when they failed to separate themselves from too much unnecessary temptation. Do you think it's any coincidence that porn users go to such lengths to avoid it? Some people use software that makes it so that they can't even access it. Sure, they could avoid porn even without implementing such software, but they are wise enough to realize that the best way to ensure you live up to your convictions is to avoid the temptation in the first place whenever possible. 

 

And call me crazy, but I think that anyone who sleeps in the same bed, all night long, with someone they are passionate about is putting a lot of completely unnecessary temptation before themselves. So whether they suspect they can or can't overcome the unnecessary temptation misses the point.

 

You can just read this forum and find many instances where people believed or told themselves they could handle a situation, and later, they found out they were wrong. And as I mentioned earlier, you can't undo these things once they have been done which is why I think people should be really clear about how much temptation sleeping in the same bed with someone else will create.

 

And I want to reiterate. To be crystal clear. If a couple wants to sleep in the same bed together, that's fine with me. If they want to have sex before marriage, that's also fine with me.

 

What I had found problematic, however, is the portrayal of sleeping in the same bed with someone else as if it's not such a big deal when it really is because it will generate serious temptation. If you are willing to do sexual things with your lover, then sleeping in the same bed with them is great. But if you're trying to refrain from such activity, then sleeping in the same bed with them is very, very risky. 

 

Had people said, "I really love sleeping in the same bed with my lover. It really enriches me. That said, I will readily admit it does create some serious temptation, but I'm willing to take that risk." Had they said that in a clear way, I would have let it go. But the portrayal here has been about how wonderful and meaningful it is without emphasizing how it can easily lead to sex. Something you just can't undo once it's been done.

 

 

 

People who blame billboards for their own failure to control their eating habits are being ridiculous in my opinion. Your example is worlds different from what's being discussed here.

 

I actually would, however, recommend that someone on a diet, who loves McDonald's, should avoid walking into a McDonald's establishment. If they are on a diet, and they are serious about it, why would they go there if they don't want to eat the food? Wouldn't that be a totally unnecessary temptation that they are putting before themselves?

 

And, really, I think the temptation to do sexual things when you're on a horizontal bed, all night long, with someone who's gorgeous and you love is a lot more intense than the temptation to avoid a big mac while you're at a McDonald's. At least that is what I believe my experience would be.

We are all entitled to our own opinions and lines to draw before marriage. WTM.org is a safe, positive and encouraging space to discuss waiting, it's struggles, and waiters experiences.

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Anyone who wants to make a case otherwise must just love giving out the worst advice possible that is very likely to lead to really bad consequences for people listening to it.

I think we should always be cautious the advice we give, because if it leads to bad consequences, then we are partly responsible if the advice was irresponsible.

I wasn't giving anyone any advice. I was stating my opinion.

This sounds like the kind of logic used to justify rape i.e. "Oh, she was dressed provocatively, I couldn't stop myself", which is never justifiable in any circumstance.

It also reminds me of people blaming McDonald's and their billboards for their own failure to control their eating habits. If you are fat from eating too much McDonald's is is ENTIRELY your fault.

If you suspect you can't control yourself in a situation, then don't do it.

We are all entitled to our own opinions. Please keep your opinions and arguments respectful. We are all about positive, safe, and encouraging dialogue here.

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How did this get from asking a successful MARRIED waiter what its like to everyone's opinion on premarital sharing of the bed?

This should not have turned into an argument as this is the wrong thread to do. There's a time & place for everything, here is neither.

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How did this get from asking a successful MARRIED waiter what its like to everyone's opinion on premarital sharing of the bed?

Thank you for saying this! I've been wondering the same thing for several days now.  :blink:

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