Claudia_case

Deciding to WTM after already giving it up to my boyfriend

8 posts in this topic

So to give you a little background I am in a relationship that has been going strong for a year and a half. I have recently decided that I want to wait until marriage to have sex and I am honestly scared and wondering if it is the right thing to do. I have had sex in multiple relationships previously and my current boyfriend and I have had sex on and off since we started dating. For awhile we were just having oral, which I felt a lot better about than going all out with sex. I have a lot of insecurities with sex because of past relationships and I have been taken advantage of sexually numerous times. Feeling that vulnerable with my body brings out so many insecurities and that is honestly the main reason I have decided to stop doing it until marriage.

It got to the point recently before I made this decision, where we would start foreplay and I would have this thought running through my head like, "I probably shouldn't be doing this" and the result was me acting incredibly unenthusiastic during sex. My boyfriend didn't know what I was thinking and thought It was something about him specifically. I mentioned to him one night that I want to stop and he "says" he is completely fine with it. However, I am still worried about how it will all play out and honestly about what it may reveal about his intentions.

My boyfriend and I are building a business together and helping each other grow on so many levels emotionally, and we were good friends for about a year before we started dating so I know there is a foundation there other than sex. I know he cares about me so much as a person and is very committed to making it work under any circumstance. My concern is that since we started having sex so soon when we began dating, I wonder if that is a huge reason why he is with me? He expressed his desire for me to initiate sex more a few months ago and it put a ton of pressure on me and I didn't know how to act. I felt like I was disappointing him or not good enough for him if I didn't initiate it or want to do it. I am worried he wants my body more than my mind and heart. Again, this isn't based off of anything he has said, I just can tell he gets turned on pretty easily and anytime we cuddle or he sees me in something "sexy" he wants only one thing.

I wonder what happens when you give a guy sex, and then take it away? Will he want it even more now than he would if I had never given it up? Will he seek to fulfill these desires elsewhere? Is it still ok to have oral or should we stop doing everything sexual? So many questions and I honestly don't know what to do.

I love him and I don't want to lose intimacy or passion with him because we stop having sex. I am also 22 and in no rush at all to get married. So saying I am waiting until marriage in this relationship, is a huge sacrifice and it could be years.

Any insight would be helpful. Thank you

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hang in there claudia.   I only wanted to drop a note here to say that I am certain there will be plenty of support offered here - it IS a challenging decision under any circumstances - and it comes with all sorts of extra implications esp when you are in the midst of a relationship - as you describe your situation...  nonetheless i'm sure there will be thoughtful responses and notes to come ...

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I'm honestly a little unsure of why you think he wants you more for your body than anything else. Every (straight) man desires a woman's body, that's just normal, the difference is how he treats said woman. From what you've said he seems to be a good guy who genuinely wants to be with you. If you're starting a business together I don't think he'd jeopardize everything he has with you just to he can have an easy lay. 

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^^ That. And the fact that its a 1.5 year relationship so far kinda shows he's in it for you, and not only sex.

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I agree with the things that were already said above.

Another thing, which got my attention in your post is this:

 

 

 Feeling that vulnerable with my body brings out so many insecurities and that is honestly the main reason I have decided to stop doing it until marriage.

 

That´s a huge red flag (in my opinion)! This shouldn´t be your main reason to want to wait till marrige to have sex again.

That can turn out horrible, because you base such a major life-decision on insecurities.

Maybe you can try to find other reasons why you want to wait.

I don´t want to be like a salesperson now, but I recommend reading "The Waiting Till Marriage Survival Guide", a book about WTM, which is non-secular and touches many psychological aspects in regard to WTM. It´s written by Mike, the founder of this site. Maybe it will give you some things to think about in regard to your decision and if you should WTM or not.

 

Right now, I don´t have time to add more to my comment, but I truly wish you all the best and that you´ll be able to figure things out in the near future!

 

Upps, I mean the book is secular and non-religious! Haha. My bad!

Edited by WakeUp&BeAwesome
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Build a relationship with him based on friendship, trust, love, mutual interests and work, etc. but don't build it on a physical relationship. If you already have, then have an open and honest discussion about how you feel, and why you want to wait. A guy who really loves you will wait and be the better for it too. And you don't want a guy who doesn't really love you, but just finds it convenient and pleasurable to have you a part of his life. Whether you are a believer or not, this principle still holds, in my opinion.

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On Saturday, February 08, 2014 at 2:51 AM, ChristianMan72 said:

Build a relationship with him based on friendship, trust, love, mutual interests and work, etc. but don't build it on a physical relationship. If you already have, then have an open and honest discussion about how you feel, and why you want to wait. A guy who really loves you will wait and be the better for it too. And you don't want a guy who doesn't really love you, but just finds it convenient and pleasurable to have you a part of his life. Whether you are a believer or not, this principle still holds, in my opinion.

I agree 10000000000000000000% 

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