ChristianMan72

Good and bad places to try to approach a woman...

18 posts in this topic

I would appreciate some thoughts and input on the following question...

I've never been very bold with women, I have a high regard and respect and would not want to do anything that would detract from a woman's dignity. But not being very good at communicating on a,personal level, that leaves me concerned about when and where is appropriate to try to say hi, ask a name, make a comment.

One of the places I am often at is the local gym. It is a family type gym, so the atmosphere is good. I want to talk to this one woman in my class but am really wondering if she would be unhappy because I was in the gym., and the gym should not be a dating center. For instance, I don't want her to feel awkward coming back to class next time if I tried to talk to her right after a class, since I might be in the class.

I've told myself that I will likely wait until I happen to meet her somewhere else besides the gym... But that may take a long time, I don't know much about her.

Where should I talk to her? Where and when should I not talk to her? I know she sees me and she knows I am interested in her for some reason at least, but she never lingers or approaches me. I don't want to be thought of as someone who goes looking for women at the gym, so I am slow to say much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just talk to her. You don't need to invite her to a coffee date or anything. Say hi, introduce yourself, talk about the gym, why you're here. Ask her why she's there.

 

If she gets uncomfortable then just thank her and excuse yourself. Don't interact with her for a while and ask yourself why it happened. But you're never going to get anywhere by not trying.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeh! You should definitely talk to her..some couples meet at the gas station. There's really no wrong place to meet a nice girl (besides the obvious -jail-strip club-etc),but just be nice and act like a gentlemen..give a good intro and take it from there :) hope things go well with you

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What I would prefer is to find her on FB and learn more first. But I have to talk to her to get her name. Would you ask for a lady's FB or would you give them your name and ask them to look you up? What do I talk about? "Hey, you are really good at abc." Or maybe "do you think the NSA is listening to our conversation?" :D

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I usually go through best/worst case scenario 

 

let's say ...

Best case scenario : she likes you as well , & you end up dating or being real great friends   ^_^

Worst case scenario : she freaks out , avoids you , you end up changing gyms  <_<

 

I say , go for it , try to be creative , like make up some occasion that allows you two to get involved in a conversation , make her notice you , be kind ,funny  easy going  type , not that shy/creepy/sweaty type hahahah  :D  you know what I mean . 

 

about the FB , maybe she isn't into FB , I know some people who barely check their FB , but we are very close friends in real life , or  maybe she doesn't post or put much information on her account , plus nothing equals face to face "get to know her " thing .

I say , talk to her , leave a good first impression , once you get to know her better , "take your timeee " , ask for her FB or even number  ;)

 

GOOD LUCK 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What I would prefer is to find her on FB and learn more first. But I have to talk to her to get her name. Would you ask for a lady's FB or would you give them your name and ask them to look you up? What do I talk about? "Hey, you are really good at abc." Or maybe "do you think the NSA is listening to our conversation?" :D

 

Being honest, that sounds a little creepy. I'd much rather a guy tried to get to know me face to face then have him ask for what amounts to permission to stalk me, or asking me to stalk him.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe go with "Hey I'm (name) I see you here a lot..." Dont ask for her FB and don't give her yours to read about each other. It's weird.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, here is my opinion. Take it or leave it, but I hope it helps.

 

While it would be perhaps uncomfortable to have a guy asking me out on our first conversation, I see nothing wrong with a stranger coming up to me at the gym, saying hello, and making some comment about the class we are both doing. If I were you, I would make sure I was near her in one of the classes, and then afterward, catch her eye, smile, and say something along the lines of "Whew, that was a tough one today!" or "Wow, today's class was pretty fun!" If she is not available or not interested, she may reply along the lines of silence or, "Yeah," before making a quick exit. If this is the case, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you have done nothing more than been a friendly, chatty stranger; let her go. With any luck, though, she will make some kind of assenting comment and then linger around with a pleasant expression long enough to allow you to say something along the lines of, "So, how long have you been kickboxing (or whatever the class is about)?" If she responds positively, continue the conversation along very casual lines for another minute or so, basically keeping the focus on fitness. Then smile big, say goodbye, and leave.

 

The next class, wave at her at the beginning, and see if she smiles. If she does and waves back, approach her either then if class hasn't started yet, or afterward, and say "hello again." Lead with another comment about the class, and see if you can connect the topic of the class to something else about your life, perhaps commenting something like how you are glad you are able to fit it into your schedule, as church keeps you pretty busy. See if she actively participates in the conversation, or if she just stands there. If she doesn't say much, keeps looking around with a trapped expression on her face, or keeps shuffling slowly in the direction of the door, let her go. If she looks happy that you are talking to her, finish up your conversation, which should still be pretty short, with, "by the way, I'm (your first name here)." Pause, and see if she says her name; she probably will. Maybe shake hands if the moment seems right. Then say something like, "Well, it has been nice talking with you, (her name). See you later!" and leave.

 

You are now very casual acquaintances. Continue this pattern of brief, casual conversations for another class or two, if she is still seeming happy during them. Keep them short, but they can start lengthening if she seems eager to linger and chat. If she seems to be finding reasons to hang around after class before you approach her, especially if she never did so previously, that is a good sign. If you still like her, at the end of one of your conversations, say, "I'd love to get together with you for coffee sometime, if you're interested. Here's my card." Then you can give her one of your cards, which will have your name, phone number, email address, and, if you want, your Facebook URL. What, you don't have one of these cards yet? I highly recommend getting one. As a girl, I would rather a guy give me his phone number than ask for mine. Odds are, if he gives me his number, and I'm interested in him, I'll give him my number right back at the same time. Anyway, give her your card, or a piece of paper with your phone number on it, or whatever, smile, and leave. Now the ball is officially in her court. From this point on, unless she does something to reciprocate the display of interest, keep things casual and give her space during the class. Smile at her, but don't approach her afterward; linger, busying yourself by reading a poster or looking at your phone, but let her come to you if she wishes. If she never calls, and she never approaches, let it be and move on.

 

Also, don't ask her for her Facebook info so you can look her up before you even know her. Just don't! That is NOT the right way to get to know her; that is what actual conversation is for, and why people go on dates. You do not have to know that you are going to marry this girl before you ask her out to coffee. Let things happen gradually and naturally. Don't investigate her. Talk to her. As a girl, I would far rather give a guy my phone number than my Facebook info; I don't want a complete stranger to learn about my last name, my birthday, where I work, etc.

 

Don't build her up too much in your head before you've even met her. She could be awful! But I hope that she is as wonderful as you have imagined her to be. Good luck!

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, here is my opinion. Take it or leave it, but I hope it helps.

 

While it would be perhaps uncomfortable to have a guy asking me out on our first conversation, I see nothing wrong with a stranger coming up to me at the gym, saying hello, and making some comment about the class we are both doing. If I were you, I would make sure I was near her in one of the classes, and then afterward, catch her eye, smile, and say something along the lines of "Whew, that was a tough one today!" or "Wow, today's class was pretty fun!" If she is not available or not interested, she may reply along the lines of silence or, "Yeah," before making a quick exit. If this is the case, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you have done nothing more than been a friendly, chatty stranger; let her go. With any luck, though, she will make some kind of assenting comment and then linger around with a pleasant expression long enough to allow you to say something along the lines of, "So, how long have you been kickboxing (or whatever the class is about)?" If she responds positively, continue the conversation along very casual lines for another minute or so, basically keeping the focus on fitness. Then smile big, say goodbye, and leave.

 

The next class, wave at her at the beginning, and see if she smiles. If she does and waves back, approach her either then if class hasn't started yet, or afterward, and say "hello again." Lead with another comment about the class, and see if you can connect the topic of the class to something else about your life, perhaps commenting something like how you are glad you are able to fit it into your schedule, as church keeps you pretty busy. See if she actively participates in the conversation, or if she just stands there. If she doesn't say much, keeps looking around with a trapped expression on her face, or keeps shuffling slowly in the direction of the door, let her go. If she looks happy that you are talking to her, finish up your conversation, which should still be pretty short, with, "by the way, I'm (your first name here)." Pause, and see if she says her name; she probably will. Maybe shake hands if the moment seems right. Then say something like, "Well, it has been nice talking with you, (her name). See you later!" and leave.

 

You are now very casual acquaintances. Continue this pattern of brief, casual conversations for another class or two, if she is still seeming happy during them. Keep them short, but they can start lengthening if she seems eager to linger and chat. If she seems to be finding reasons to hang around after class before you approach her, especially if she never did so previously, that is a good sign. If you still like her, at the end of one of your conversations, say, "I'd love to get together with you for coffee sometime, if you're interested. Here's my card." Then you can give her one of your cards, which will have your name, phone number, email address, and, if you want, your Facebook URL. What, you don't have one of these cards yet? I highly recommend getting one. As a girl, I would rather a guy give me his phone number than ask for mine. Odds are, if he gives me his number, and I'm interested in him, I'll give him my number right back at the same time. Anyway, give her your card, or a piece of paper with your phone number on it, or whatever, smile, and leave. Now the ball is officially in her court. From this point on, unless she does something to reciprocate the display of interest, keep things casual and give her space during the class. Smile at her, but don't approach her afterward; linger, busying yourself by reading a poster or looking at your phone, but let her come to you if she wishes. If she never calls, and she never approaches, let it be and move on.

 

Also, don't ask her for her Facebook info so you can look her up before you even know her. Just don't! That is NOT the right way to get to know her; that is what actual conversation is for, and why people go on dates. You do not have to know that you are going to marry this girl before you ask her out to coffee. Let things happen gradually and naturally. Don't investigate her. Talk to her. As a girl, I would far rather give a guy my phone number than my Facebook info; I don't want a complete stranger to learn about my last name, my birthday, where I work, etc.

 

Don't build her up too much in your head before you've even met her. She could be awful! But I hope that she is as wonderful as you have imagined her to be. Good luck!

 

@WanderingWashingtonian, I wish I could "like" your post a million times!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks a million for the advice. I am more socially awkward than average, and I don't want to come off badly. Also, I really don't want to do something that makes someone like this not want to come back to the class when I'm there. I'm not in a rush, but was thinking I would have to take bigger steps than are probably necessary. If she flees after a casual comment or two, I'll leave it be, it's just an interest.

As for FB and stalking, there is a middle ground. As many bloggers have suggested, the whole fun of FB is to dig around in your friends and acquaintances profiles for things that interest you, and follow what they say and do. It's human nature to be curious to some extent. And it's not just friends. Prospective employers stalk both FB and Twitter, and whatever else they can find online about you.

I'm not going to follow someone around the gym or around town, THAT would be creepy. But if I can find out what someone believes / doesn't believe, whether they already have someone they are seeing and whatever else they leave open to the public, that is sort of like asking mutual friends about someone.

And of course, there are sites like about.me which are not really 'dating' sites, but are where people share about themselves the things they want others to be able to find out.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't make y'all think I'm creepy, because I'm not, just socially awkward, and very selective who I communicate with. :-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As for FB and stalking, there is a middle ground. As many bloggers have suggested, the whole fun of FB is to dig around in your friends and acquaintances profiles for things that interest you, and follow what they say and do. It's human nature to be curious to some extent. And it's not just friends. Prospective employers stalk both FB and Twitter, and whatever else they can find online about you.

 

But the problem is, you're not her friend or acquaintance yet. You're just a random guy who goes to the same gym as she does. I know more about you than she does, and you've only made 10 posts.

 

Also, employers that do that are quite frankly, a little bit scummy. What I do in my personal life is a reflection on them sure. But as long as I don't raise any security flags during the interviews, there's no need for them to be going through my vacation pictures.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please, don't be scared of "freaking" a girl out just by talking to her-we are not that fragile, I promise. In my opinion, this type of interaction seems to have been lost in the midst of all this social media. One time, a guy came up to me after I got off the bus on my way to class in college and told me I was pretty and asked me for my number. It was so flattering and sweet and BRAVE of him. I wasn't wanting to date at that time, but I made sure to thank him and told him I wasn't looking to date. It didn't creep me out and I look back on it fondly.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting you have to say that to her at all, do what is comfortable to you. Maybe try and help her with something or comment on something about the gym. Just try ;), and if she rebuffs you, you will be fine and you won't have to wonder "what-if"-

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mirage, I get your viewpoint, I'm a very private person myself, but if you found my FB profile e.g. without being a friend, you'd probably at least gather that I am single and probably a Christian. I don't even know that about this young lady. And, she only seems to show up in a class that I'm in every 6 weeks or so. (And I am aware that this site isn't just for Christians, so don't take my comments as trying force my view on anyone.) And I probably have a better chance of making a good impression in writing than I do in person. I'm not unattractive, just not a great social communicator with people I don't have actual reason to talk to.

Yes, I've said hi, commented awkwardly on the class, or in the hallway as we passed. I know she knows I have at least a curiosity about her. She doesn't usually hang around after class, but most of the women don't, single or otherwise. Which I must say, is a very effective way of avoiding contact for a woman - being occupied or scheduled enough or even just shy enough to make a beeline for the parking lot the minute classes end is certainly effective.

I'm not tied up in knots over this, I've been noticing people from a distance my whole life. I'm more conservative than most, but sincerely so, not radically, I won't tell you that I'm a Christian or even talk politics unless you ask or make a leading comment first.

She strikes me as being a bit awkward herself. Why? Because most of the people in a class are trying to do well, but it isn't that important to them to be great at it, not to miss a beat, to focus in every class like it was the Olympics. That defines myself to some extent, and her even more. So I'm guessing that she might be as scared of interaction as I am, and that is why I'm hesitant to be too bold. But yes, she's probably not as fragile as I imagine.

For those who don't do the gym group fitness / exercise class thing regularly (beware, it is addictive!) it takes a very long time, many months, for most women, married or otherwise to accept an unknown, single, unattached guy who is 30+ as not being a threat or a player, perhaps because the classes are often heavily skewed toward female participation. I think most men either don't want to risk being bested by the women in a class, are concerned that aerobic class isn't manly enough, or would rather pump iron and talk sports with the other guys. Risking that little bit of hard-earned 'trust' by approaching women openly in class (in my subjective opinion) is a risk. It would probably be different in an NYC gym or some other city, but this is a suburban, family gym.

Forgive my long soliloquies, I really do appreciate everyone's input.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe a little off topic, but don't most people keep their Facebook accounts private, or am I the odd one out?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems to be a mix, the more cosmopolitan ones seem to leave the most things public. But as a tip, make sure your settings don't allow friends of friends to view your profile and posts. Because some users more or less accept all friends, anyone who wants to know all about you just has to befriend any friend of yours. This is pretty close to letting anyone in, so I learned, and then switched it off.

I almost gave up on FB because I didn't no enough people to make it interesting. But then I started liking and following sites of interest and sort of use it now as a news feed with a little social thrown in. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, that's good advice. I like to use it to connect with family and friends-people I actually know in real life. I don't know why people add "friends" they don't really know at all. Anyway, good luck with getting to know the woman you are interested in.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So, to grant closure to this thread, I haven't seen her since. That happens, and I sometimes think later, "what if I said this, or did that". But I don't dwell on it, and figure it is probably just as well. I believe that if/when I meet the right person, I will have the right thing to say at that moment. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have the exacte problem i've seen a lass in the gym for about 2 months now, and have only started noticing her in the last month as i've been concentrating on working out,  

 

Everywere i go i seem to see her when in the hospital she smiles at me, whilst passing in the street the other week she gave me eye contact which seemed quite shy eye contact, & when in the local wetherspoons like a week last Thursday ago she went to the bar she looked over at me & i gave her eye contact back but shyed away.

 

I'm no expert in females but they know when a male is interested in them, but i seem to clam up when i want to say hello or engage in a conversation with her. it's so frustating

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now