Mike

What is the most challenging aspect of learning how to have sex?

7 posts in this topic

i think for a guy the answer is the (not well understood) importance of "readiness"........   the thing is as a guy...   you're pretty much "on" or "off"... there's no real "hey i just need a minute or two" thing that is part of a guy's physiology is there?  (girls are laughing... guys should be nodding in agreement).    

 

so as a guy... it took me a bit of time to really understand the importance of HER "readiness"...   and it was the most challenging aspect bec as a guy I think i just expected to be able to jump right in (so to speak)...   and suddenly it was a world in which all those movie and TV jokes about foreplay begin to make really really good sense :-).

 

my advice is....   take your time.   nobody's going anywhere.   take your time.   stretch time out by paying attention to your wife's every little move and every little reaction and small sound and movement...   and that attention will be paid off handsomely i promise :-)   

 

to be blunt about it... readiness means she needs to feel aroused in a way that makes her moist and in a bit of heat... it makes a lot easier and lot more pleasurable when you actually begin if she is opened up and feeling eager to have you inside her...   otherwise... you're ready, she's not really ready, and there can be frustration... discomfort... or pain even... and fellas... nobody wants that!

 

take your time.   :-)

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Yep, I'll agree with Ian. My wife and I had no troubles with being embarrassed about talking about sex beforehand, so we had already talked about how we wanted the first time to go and that there was no pressure on both of us.

 

My one piece of advice I'll add to Ian's would be to not worry if it doesn't happen the first night - while it's a romantic idea to rush into the hotel room and make love, the wedding day is such a big day that it just might be too hard. We managed it, but only just, and then we didn't sleep that whole night practically just because it was all so new sharing a bed with someone.

 

Enjoy it ;)

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I'll throw out some advice here too.  Learning to have sex is one of the beautiful things about sex.  Unfortunately our world has made it into an activity where you need magazine articles which say "50 things to make you more successful in bed."  In my opinion, healthy sex is not a sport where you get ranked and compete and triumph or fail. 

 

All that being said, sex will not always be hot and amazing.  Sometimes it is funny and even awkward.  Sometimes you will be disappointed.  It's also not a solo sport so it is all about navigating things with your spouse.  Good communication is key and doing your best to be sensitive to the needs of your spouse as well as being in tune with your own boady is important. 

 

My husband and I have definitely had times where we thought "That didn't work so well!"  But because sex has meaning for me, the fact that it is awkward sometimes doesn't matter as much.  Even not-so-great sex is still a moment where we are communicating with our bodies our love and commitment to each other.  I still feel more connected to my husband after we have sex even if it's not the most amazing sex we've had. 

 

And we've also had moments where everything clicked and our bodies were definitely more in tune with each other and I have totally enjoyed those moments.  It's awesome!

 

I will also throw out this other piece of advice.  Having sex is one of the most intimate things you can do with your spouse.  Therefore if you have tensions/issues/problems in your relationship then these issues will often be exaggerated in your sex life.  Sex challenges us to face our own selfishness and our openness with our spouse.  While that will make sex challenging at times, it's also a big push for us to deal with the problems in our relationship.  If you don't deal with those problems then over time your sex life will deteriorate. 

 

Adjusting to married life is a big change.  And growing in your sex life will be a big part of that adjustment.  But hopefully you have chosen someone that you know you grow well with.  Someone who is willing to face adventures and challenges with you.  So the exploration of sex will be just one part of your life together. 

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For us, so far, the hardest part was getting to the point of having ACTUAL SEX. My body has a habit of tensing up in expectation of pain (which I knew coming into marriage because of various difficult gynecologist visits). Since we decided not to force things and just work on getting my muscles to relax, it took us 4 months before we achieved intercourse. I don’t hear about situations like that often, but that’s how it was for us. We were patient with the process and eventually my body learned to relax. While it was frustrating at times, it brought us even closer as we navigated the challenges. And we came out of it successful!

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On 9/6/2018 at 2:34 PM, emily1030 said:

For us, so far, the hardest part was getting to the point of having ACTUAL SEX. My body has a habit of tensing up in expectation of pain (which I knew coming into marriage because of various difficult gynecologist visits). Since we decided not to force things and just work on getting my muscles to relax, it took us 4 months before we achieved intercourse. I don’t hear about situations like that often, but that’s how it was for us. We were patient with the process and eventually my body learned to relax. While it was frustrating at times, it brought us even closer as we navigated the challenges. And we came out of it successful!

Sounds like you had vaginismus, or involuntary contractions of muscles around the...female area. From what I heard, it's more common than most people think. I personally know another girl how had the same obstacle having sex for the first 6 months of her marriage. I know women who experience this feel inadequate to say the least, but it's not your fault at all. From what I understand, it isn't a permanent condition and can be treated over time. Good to know you got through it and congrats on successfully waiting. Enjoy your hard-earned rewards ;)

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7 hours ago, Invincible said:

Sounds like you had vaginismus, or involuntary contractions of muscles around the...female area. From what I heard, it's more common than most people think. I personally know another girl how had the same obstacle having sex for the first 6 months of her marriage. I know women who experience this feel inadequate to say the least, but it's not your fault at all. From what I understand, it isn't a permanent condition and can be treated over time. Good to know you got through it and congrats on successfully waiting. Enjoy your hard-earned rewards ;)

Yep, I did a lot of research and I’m pretty sure it was some form of vaginismus. I found a lot of stories of other women who had it and got through it, so it was very comforting to hear. It really is treatable if you put the work in to learn to relax. I have a friend who is dealing with it as well and we’ve kind of been each other’s support/cheerleaders, haha.

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