Mike

How frequently are you having sex? Is is as much as you expected before marriage?

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We are at about 2-3 times a week, but it depends on the week.

 

To be honest, I thought it'd be a little more, but I underestimated just how much 'real life' can get in the way!

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AussieStig makes some great points. Depends on how busy the week is. Usually 3 times a week for an average week.  

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We are at about 2-3 times a week, but it depends on the week.

 

To be honest, I thought it'd be a little more, but I underestimated just how much 'real life' can get in the way!

 

Good point!

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When we first got married it was 2-3 times per week.  Now it has decreased to about once every 2 weeks.  If I'm totally honest that is less than I would want.  It can be challenging because I am a morning person and my husband is a night owl.  We have a hard time finding times when we are both in the mood and awake.  It doesn't help that my husband has gone back to school and is swamped with schoolwork, pulling allnighters to get his assignments completed. 

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Something else that I wanted to add to this thread - 

 

Stress will decrease your sex drive completely. It doesn't matter what you're stressed about - money, work, school, etc. So if one partner is really stressed about something, they will tend to not initiate sex and even when you do have sex, be distracted and worried about other things. 

 

Before you're married you don't expect these things to get in the way, or even that you feel that sex could be a remedy for them but it doesn't quite often work that way. 

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Something else that I wanted to add to this thread - 

 

Stress will decrease your sex drive completely. It doesn't matter what you're stressed about - money, work, school, etc. So if one partner is really stressed about something, they will tend to not initiate sex and even when you do have sex, be distracted and worried about other things. 

 

Before you're married you don't expect these things to get in the way, or even that you feel that sex could be a remedy for them but it doesn't quite often work that way. 

 

Hmm...I tend to find stress increases my sex drive...or at least drives me to fulfill myself sexually in ways that I don't want.

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well *blush* omg this is kinda embarrassing but hey I guess it varies cus well there is a reason they call it a Honeymoon!!! My husband could not wait to unwrap me and on our Wedding night I got really sick cus I was sooo stressed with the Wedding etc that by the time we left for our Honeymoon I was in no mood but once we commenced our marriage it was omg this is embarrassing but a lot. We def had our first Honeymoon glow and were soooo in love man that brought us soo close it was crazy but once we got back to the real world several times a day if we are not working and if we are late in from work 1-2 times per night. We have skipped a few times but not many since we got married maybe if it's that time of the month for me. The best times is when we get into an argument and then get over it "whew!" lol So for us it is pretty much every night or chance we are alone at least once but we are just newlyweds so it may be different for others. lol

 

-TMI I know!!!! lol

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I said the comment about stress and that was meant for people who have been married for longer. It definitely does not apply to newlyweds or virgins. It isn't a personal observation, other couples I know have had a sex drive decrease because of stress. 

 

I wouldn't like it if people took the wrong idea away from these threads and came to expect things that were unlikely to happen. As a newlywed, you're going to have tons of sex day and night and the thought that it would ever be different seems foreign. Eventually, you will fall into a rut. I feel like I'm being a wet blanket so maybe I shouldn't go on and on about this but I feel it's important to tell the other side of sex in a marriage, not just the great stuff in the beginning. Other married waiters who have been married for a while will understand what I'm trying to say.

 

I'm not trying to be negative at all, just trying to present a realistic expectation.

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I said the comment about stress and that was meant for people who have been married for longer. It definitely does not apply to newlyweds or virgins. It isn't a personal observation, other couples I know have had a sex drive decrease because of stress. 

 

I wouldn't like it if people took the wrong idea away from these threads and came to expect things that were unlikely to happen. As a newlywed, you're going to have tons of sex day and night and the thought that it would ever be different seems foreign. Eventually, you will fall into a rut. I feel like I'm being a wet blanket so maybe I shouldn't go on and on about this but I feel it's important to tell the other side of sex in a marriage, not just the great stuff in the beginning. Other married waiters who have been married for a while will understand what I'm trying to say.

 

I'm not trying to be negative at all, just trying to present a realistic expectation.

 

 

Thanks for your realistic expectations Jennifer...that's exactly what I'm looking for.  ^_^  They're very helpful.

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Thanks for your realistic expectations Jennifer...that's exactly what I'm looking for.  ^_^  They're very helpful.

 

You're very welcome Sally. :)

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well this is definitely a reality question... and i confess i have resisted responding here being that i am the longest married on this panel...  but interestingly... the answers are all above me in this thread...   and they are all true and reality and will be experienced by every one of you when you marry or when you do start a longterm (and sexual) relationship with someone.

 

i applaud SHANE above... being one who is married a little bit longer...  for his honesty.   Like Shane, I would say that we have sex these days about once a week or maybe once every 2 weeks.   LIFE... has a habit of getting in the way...  the times when we are both more relaxed and less stressy about work/family/stuff...  then it's a very happy once a week or on occasion, twice a week...

 

at the beginning - not counting honeymoon or right after - it was probably 4 times a week...  and as "regular life together" kinda starts back up... family, friends, work, activities, etc....  well...  you find yourself in that situation that everyone above has described... one of you would like to and one of you just isn't in that mood right then.... or it's morning vs night...   or it's weekday vs weekend...  and then - for those of you who want to, and are blessed to have them - Kids...  but through it all, you both know it's not about lack of desire or enjoyment overall... it's simply a factor of circumstances and fatigue or stress or mood...  and you begin to realize the importance of cultivating time with each other... when you do easily disconnect from that, focus on each other a bit, nurture a little tenderness or some heat and passion.  

 

my only other comment here relates to something i said elsewhere:  don't keep a scorecard.  express desire - express deep desire and urges and sexual arousal - but don't keep a scorecard.   he or she loves you... remember that...   and deep down, they want to be make love with you too...  it just means a bit of "focus" vs pure impulse :-).

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my only other comment here relates to something i said elsewhere:  don't keep a scorecard.  express desire - express deep desire and urges and sexual arousal - but don't keep a scorecard.   he or she loves you... remember that...   and deep down, they want to be make love with you too...  it just means a bit of "focus" vs pure impulse :-).

 

I really, really love this advice!  I think it is easy to compare one's relationship to others and to feel jealous or proud.  Sex should be a true expression of love and not a task to be fulfilled or a contest to win.  Thanks for this reminder, Ian!

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well *blush* omg this is kinda embarrassing but hey I guess it varies cus well there is a reason they call it a Honeymoon!!! My husband could not wait to unwrap me and on our Wedding night I got really sick cus I was sooo stressed with the Wedding etc that by the time we left for our Honeymoon I was in no mood but once we commenced our marriage it was omg this is embarrassing but a lot. We def had our first Honeymoon glow and were soooo in love man that brought us soo close it was crazy but once we got back to the real world several times a day if we are not working and if we are late in from work 1-2 times per night. We have skipped a few times but not many since we got married maybe if it's that time of the month for me. The best times is when we get into an argument and then get over it "whew!" lol So for us it is pretty much every night or chance we are alone at least once but we are just newlyweds so it may be different for others. lol

 

-TMI I know!!!! lol

Amen! This is what I'm talking about. Read 1 Corinthians 7:3-6. Husbands and wives should not deprive themselves of sex.

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 my only other comment here relates to something i said elsewhere:  don't keep a scorecard.  express desire - express deep desire and urges and sexual arousal - but don't keep a scorecard.   he or she loves you... remember that...   and deep down, they want to be make love with you too...  it just means a bit of "focus" vs pure impulse :-).

 

Great advice & experiences from all the married waiters but above is something that all unmarried waiters, who are hoping to make their marriages work for the long-term, should NEVER forget! Thanks all! :)

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Quite honestly, lack of sex is my biggest fear in marriage. That and the possibility that my (future) wife would file for divorce. As a Catholic, I am opposed to divorce. But with the legal system, it is out of my control.

 

Both of them strike me as things that are beyond my control. If the wife would decide against having sex, there is nothing I can do to fix the situation. If she would decide to file for divorce, it would also be out of my control. Everything I have heard of sexless marriages has absolutely terrified me.

 

I know that, as somebody who believes in following Natural Family Planning, there will frequently be times when we can't have sex, simply because there is a limit on the number of kids we would be able to support. That having been said, if she were constantly refusing, I would take it as a major rejection.

 

Really, I want a relationship with a wife that both of us could be happy with.

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Quite honestly, lack of sex is my biggest fear in marriage. That and the possibility that my (future) wife would file for divorce. As a Catholic, I am opposed to divorce. But with the legal system, it is out of my control.

 

Both of them strike me as things that are beyond my control. If the wife would decide against having sex, there is nothing I can do to fix the situation. If she would decide to file for divorce, it would also be out of my control. Everything I have heard of sexless marriages has absolutely terrified me.

 

I know that, as somebody who believes in following Natural Family Planning, there will frequently be times when we can't have sex, simply because there is a limit on the number of kids we would be able to support. That having been said, if she were constantly refusing, I would take it as a major rejection.

 

Really, I want a relationship with a wife that both of us could be happy with.

 

Being married and practicing NFP, I would say that there are things you can do to "fix the situation". Are you creating an environment where she feels "in the mood"? Do you both communiate about when you feel "in the mood", what you like, etc.? If you feel like she is refusing, you should also be able to talk about it....most likely for women, refusal toward sex isn't about the guy, it's about the kids, stress, sleep, etc. Some effort may need to take place for "it" to happen more often....

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I've been married almost eight months now, long enough to notice "trends" in our sex life.

 

  • The longest we've gone without sex is about 11 days. This has only happened 3 times, I think.
  • We rarely go more than 7 days without sex.
  • We average sex 2 times a week.
  • On extra-fun weeks, we have sex 4 times.
  • On our honeymoon, we had sex every day except two days when I felt sick, but on two other days, we had sex twice.
  • Only 2 times, I think, since our honeymoon have we had sex 2 times in one day.
  • My husband initiates probably 50%, I do maybe 30%, and the rest of the time it's very mutual or planned in advance.
  • I have no idea how often I turn down his advances. I'm more likely to present a counteroffer.

My premarital expectations vs. reality? I'm surprised when we manage to go a whole week without sex, since I didn't really think that would ever happen. But sometimes timing of different events really screws things up. Like I'll be sick, then he'll go out of town, then I'll be on my period, and suddenly it's been a week. Averaging sex twice a week was my expectation, though.

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My premarital expectations vs. reality? I'm surprised when we manage to go a whole week without sex, since I didn't really think that would ever happen. 

Spending a week and a half at the in-laws house really puts a damper on sexual activity... As does your spouse being sick. The combination of the two is a real boner killer. But I'll survive until we get home and Belle is feeling better. Maybe we can make up for lost time ;)

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