9 posts in this topic

So my best friend in this entire galaxy is this boy. He's my same age, 17 (or will be in like a week), we have the same interests, same thoughts, we have talked all day every day for about the past 6 months. And of course we hang out tons and do exciting things, and teach each other new things. 

I have never met anyone like him, I'm definitely in love with him. 

I'm his best friend too, I'm one of the very few people he is close with. But, yeah, he has a girlfriend. It hasn't been long, just a couple months, and before that we were a thing. And when I found out that he had eyes for this other girl, of course I made him choose. And he wanted to be with her in that way. 

Two weeks later, he confesses that he regrets his decision entirely and that he's way more compatible with me than his girlfriend. They disagree on some important religious things, and their hangouts/dates are usually very routine and he didn't like it. But she is very attached to him.

It's been a months since then and he's still with her

He says he couldn't bring himself to break up with her, that he didn't give it enough of a chance. He says that she feels like the right choice right now. But he says that he sees a future with me. And he's reiterated that so many time that he truly sees something for us in the future. 

He knows how unfair he is being and he knows how much of a jerk he seems and he apologizes and says he deserves no pity and that he just feels so awful.

I told him a week ago that I have to leave. He means so much to me, he's my best friend, that is SO much to leave. But I tried very hard to make it work, to put my feelings aside and wait a while. But I'm drowning over here, it's devastating. So I told him I have to leave. Let him go completely, so I can move on. That's the only way I'm going to. 

He begged, pleaded for me to stay. He said he "could not f***ing live without me" and that he'd "fall apart". He said I mean so much to him and he knows this is selfish but he needs me...I do not feel obligated to stay because of this, but what I do feel is that I need him too. 

He said he knows 2 things:
1) He's not in love with her. But he "likes her a lot"
2) It would be so hard if not impossible to be happy without me in his life. 

He said that it's ultimately not her. But he never said that means it's ultimately me. He won't tell me why it's not ultimately her, he says it's too hard to say right now and it makes him feel terrible and that he'll tell me soon enough but he didn't want to talk about it right then. 

He said that he wants me to hold on to the hope that we'll be together at some point and to wait for the time when him and his girlfriend are no more. He didn't mention when that would happen, if it was soon or months from now. But what I do know is that I'm hanging on by not even a thread - but a single fiber of that thread. He realizes and I realize that he sounds so terrible, which is hard to accept because he cares so much about others and he is a very guilt-stricken individual who HATES hurting people. And that guilt makes him do stupid things. 

Being patient is hard. And I don't know if it is right. I change my mind a lot.  

Does anyone have advice on what I should do? I'm sorry I know that was a long story. 
Any personal experiences that relate? I want to be with him so much, but not as a friend forever. I just can't. 



 

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Before I begin, you asked if I can relate to this story. I most certainly can. When I was in college, there was this girl I really liked but was immature and went for the jerks. I told her how I felt and she rejected me coldly and decided to go with her latest bad boy instead. Long story short, she cut me off from her life and never heard from me again until years later when I ran into her at the mall. She was so happy to see me (or so she says) and explained to me how she got pregnant with that one jerk and he left her (shocking, I know). On top of that, he abused her physically and emotionally and now she's a complete mess. Then she had the audacity to ask for me back. So she basically gave everything she had to offer to some jerk and all she had left to give me was her baggage. Um. no thanks. I'd rather be single forever. In any other situation, I could look past the fact that she gave her virginity to someone else or that she had child who wasn't mine. But what I refuse to look past is being her second choice. I know it sounds cold, but the moment she choice that jerk over me, she lost any chance of being with me ever again. No self-respecting person should ever settle for someone's second choice, But this isn't about me, this is about you.

 

He said that he wants me to hold on to the hope that we'll be together at some point and to wait for the time when him and his girlfriend are no more. He didn't mention when that would happen, if it was soon or months from now. But what I do know is that I'm hanging on by not even a thread - but a single fiber of that thread. He realizes and I realize that he sounds so terrible, which is hard to accept because he cares so much about others and he is a very guilt-stricken individual who HATES hurting people. And that guilt makes him do stupid things. 

 

Uh, is this guy for real? Please read the above quote out loud and just listen to how stupid he sounds. Basically he's saying, "I'm sorry for being so immature and dumb. But please wait until I've had my fun with this girl first. Once I'm tired of her, I'll throw her out then you can have me. I hope you dont mind that you're my fall back girl. Oh by the way, I'm only with you because I feel guilty, not because I love you." Now doesn't that make you feel loved (sarcasm)? Gee, I wonder how long before he says the same thing to some other girl once he's with you? It was just painful reading that quote. He says that he sees a future with you, but actions speak louder than words. If he truly did, he would have chose you from the start because he already knew you so well before he even met that other girl. He doesn't care about you, he only cares about himself. He wants all the benefits of being with this other girl and later on you without owning up to the pain he's caused you. You deserve so much better than that. Don't settle for being his consolation prize. I promise you that you will always have that nagging feeling that the only reason he's with you is because his more "ideal" option didn't work out.

 

Quite frankly, he doesn't even deserve to be your friend, let alone a boyfriend. This whole story just screams selfishness and mind games. No matter what he says, he doesn't care about you. He only cares about what is good for him at the moment. He's not mature enough to have any kind of dating relationship. I'm not going to patronize you like most people and tell you that you're too young to be dating anyways because I believe you can find a solid and committed relationship at any age. But what I will tell you is that it is extremely rare to find others who are capable of that at your age, so you will find lots of guys just like your "friend." Please guard your heart and leave him. I know you don't want to and that you feel like you should give it a chance, but it's for the best. He will break your heart and leave you for another girl once he's bored of you. He already is thinking that with his current girlfriend, what's to stop him from doing the same to you? And please don't fall for the lie that he will change for you. He won't. Know your worth and wait for a guy who will choose you first and will love and honor you for you.

 

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This guy's doing his damnedest to play you like an old banjo.

 

Frankly, I'd book.

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@evincebal , woooow you really said it all , there is nothing really new I could add .

 

I would probably  just talk some girls talk . ^_^

 

I know how you feel ,

like he is apparently hurting you so much , so muchhh , but you still see him your best friend in this entire GALAXY !!

you still seek excuses for him , you still holding to that thread he gave you , though it is already halfway torn ,

but girl , allow me to say he is being emotionally abusive to you , again HE IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE .

 

You loved him , that's why you cant see it , WE can see that from your post , but you somehow can't .

being young "17" & attached to your first  "special" person  , clouds your judgement ,

you see the signs , you already mentioned them in your post , you see them , but you still justify them , you accept being hurt & emotionally abused other than being happy , confident , relaxed , in a loving mutual relationship .

You have to wake up & open your eyes wide , put aside your feelings & see this situation like it is one of your girlfriend's , what would have you told her ??

 

you may say  " this is a special thing , he does know I am the one for him , he just have to take time to see it , then he will come back ,"  your mind may trick you into that , but Why stay on hold ? why be the second choice when you deserve so much moreeeee , why accept pain other than being happy & loved ..

 

You may say " but we are like soul mates , we are so good together , I will never find someone like him "

Guess what you dont need someone like him , you already had him & he hurt you , you want someone better that him .

 

You may say " okaay ,we will just be friends "

that's the trick , for us - girls - to cross the line between a friend & a boyfriend , we cant go back , you will think of him , & he sounds like the guy that doesn't waste a chance , if he is not with some other girl at the time , he would play with your emotions again .

plus no friend , hurts their friend that way . 

 

 

Let him GO , this relationship is toxic ,

Trust me , the moment he considered being with someone else other than you , & had the nerve to tell you to wait for him , till he does his little experiment with the other one , the moment he said that  ...he lost any chance with you , he would do it all over again if you accept it now .

 

It is Toxic get outttttttt .

 

To sum it all up : what I think you should do , " but it is totally your call " & I would respect whatever side you take :

 

1) sit aside your feelings , " i know it is hard but try " seek a friend for that "  then weigh things in your head .

2) confront him , & dont let him guilt you into staying with phrases like " i cant live without you , you are the air i breathe ,....ect " 

guess what he can , he already did 

3) let him goooo

4) surround yourself with other good people & friends , this GALAXY is full of people , wonderful people , you dont wanna miss that chance believe me , you are so young & manyyyy decent guys will cross your path.

5) focus on something important in your life , mmm I dont know really , but put your mind into something to give you the sense of self-accomplishment , that No guy can provide for you , like a sport , hobby , class , ....ect

once you taste that you are independent -strong-confident woman , you wont wanna be taken for granted anymoreeeee & you will seek only the best .

6) take time to heal your wounds & pay attention to rebounds .

 

woow I talked a lot , but that's what i felt like saying , & I wish you all the good luck in the world .

we are here to support you as well , anytime  :)

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Before I begin, you asked if I can relate to this story. I most certainly can. When I was in college, there was this girl I really liked but was immature and went for the jerks. I told her how I felt and she rejected me coldly and decided to go with her latest bad boy instead. Long story short, she cut me off from her life and never heard from me again until years later when I ran into her at the mall. She was so happy to see me (or so she says) and explained to me how she got pregnant with that one jerk and he left her (shocking, I know). On top of that, he abused her physically and emotionally and now she's a complete mess. Then she had the audacity to ask for me back. So she basically gave everything she had to offer to some jerk and all she had left to give me was her baggage. Um. no thanks. I'd rather be single forever. In any other situation, I could look past the fact that she gave her virginity to someone else or that she had child who wasn't mine. But what I refuse to look past is being her second choice. I know it sounds cold, but the moment she choice that jerk over me, she lost any chance of being with me ever again. No self-respecting person should ever settle for someone's second choice, But this isn't about me, this is about you.

 

Holy Hell, man, you didn't dodge a bullet--you dodged a damn nuke! It won't be so pretty for your girl down the road--when she realizes she sacrificed everything she had to offer for teh tinglz. Life has a way of eventually giving people what they deserve. Glad you were smart enough to see through it.

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Being 17 is really hard. And first love is extremely difficult.

All I have to add is that, you will never be happy until you first learn to love and respect yourself.

Think of a close friend who you love and respect dearly, and imagine her telling you this story. You would probably tell your friend to stay as far away from that guy as possible, because you love and respect your friend.

The fact is, the person you are in love with does not respect you - otherwise he wouldn't be saying this.

As soon as you start loving and respecting yourself, you will have much less patience for a guy who does not treat you with any respect...regardless of how much you're in love with him

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I will answer your question with a question :)

 

Think about it this way -- if someone else, especially someone you care about deeply, asked you for the same opinion on the same story youre sharing us, what would you tell her? What would you want her to do? Believe the boy (who is very illogical and silly in this case) and hold out only to end up with heartache? Would you want a boyfriend who could potentially (remember history has a tendency to repeat itself) do the same thing to another girl while you finally ended up dating him? 

 

I know you love him and his friendship, I know it's very disappointing to learn of this, and you would hold onto any miniscule chance of him being a good boy and actually loving you -- but the truth is, it's just not right. And, it's just dumb. Not to say you are -- you're just infatuated, and that's okay -- it WILL pass, and one day you will even wonder why you liked him at all.

 

Let us know what you do! You have all mu support.

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Yeah I agree with Envincebal. Run as far away as you can from this guy!!! If he really warned you instead he would leave her, and even then it's a slap in the face being second choice. And any guy who's your "best friend" isn't gonna treat you like that. Any guy who's gonna say that while he still has a girlfriend is being unfair to the girl. Find something positive to focus on in school that will help you not get distracted by boys for awhile. Good luck!

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I agree with Envincebal... He wants to have his cake and eat it too. It doesn't work like that.
I don't trust people who think like that. The guys I've seen who acted like that to girls were usually just using one, or the other, or both. He wants both of you at the same time. Or he wants sex with her while having a backup to marry. But he's gonna hurt both of you, and he's really not worth it.

People who are like that, whether it's girls I like or guy friends who treat girls bad, I cut them out of my life. And if I can spot them a mile away, they'll never come into my life.

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