matt111

Been dating 7 months and her sexual past is eating me up

19 posts in this topic

Hello, I have a huge issue here. i apologize for the novel but i cant afford counceling and everyonejust keeps telling me i have to see a person for "who they are now"!!!

    I am a 35 year old male who has been sexually active in the past in relationships. i am no angel, but i havnt had sex in 3 years...I had some dark days in my early 20's and have been raising my child on my own for the past 7 years. single dad..  I am a christian but i had been with my share of women and did partying back in the day.. more recently I have wanted to do things right and find a woman who i share similar morals and beleifs with.

     I got on a christian web site last spring and met this woman who i have been dating for 7 months now. we had a connection right away.. we have spent HOURS on the phone and because of the distance and my lackof ability to see the person i was starting to give my heart to i began questions right away.... I had began digging for her sexual past right away. I a very transparent about mine and i expected to  much too soon from her. Our relationship wwas over the phone and at a distance for the first 5 months. we saw each other once a month. I noticed she was very evasize on her sexual past. anyway, i dug, pryed and got information in "half truth" format. my fault for prying and requiring but i could tell she wasnt being honest completely. Anyway... fast forward to recent times... she relocated closer to me to where we can see each other more.. within 90 minutes away. i tried to walk away, but we have such a spiritual connection and physical connection that i think are two hard things to find together.. we are both very attracted to each other but we can also talk scripture like no other woman i have met before.. 

     early on i was under the impression her dark secrets were several years earlier. she said they were. and the volume of people the stuff she shared was ALOT... my mind was like "oh that was long agoand she is changed now"...as it turns out, through my pressing her for more, she was very primiscuous up until 2 years ago which was only 1.5 years before i met her., at the age of 30, not 23.... She has a testimony and she gave her life and heart to christ at that point two years ago and told me she was celebate, no dating, no men, nothing for 1.5 years before she met me.. she gaveup drinking too which she claims was a huge part of  the sexual stuff.. her number is much higher than mine, and through my digging i found out somestuff i never wish i knew..... i dont want to judge but somehow thats exactly what i am doing.. 

     i want to believe her so bad! i see her now as a beautiful person, but because she has lied to me about the timing of her sexual past and darkness i feel like its hard to trust her. how can i be sure? its created a "pass" that she gets with me that lying about her shameful past is ok, bit what if she compulsively lies about anything and everything even now??

     shegets very upset when i bring up more questions and to be honest i do it every other day it seems. she says she wants to be free of it and she gets very emotional when i "make her go back".. i feel betrayed because she lied about the timing, and i want to trust but feel like i cant. Does it matter that her sexual darkness was only two years ago, as opposed to 10 years ago? when i first met her she said she hadnt been with anyone in 3 years, then as i pressed i found out it was 1.5 years ago,.. its like she is so shameful of her sexual past before Christianity that she feels likeshe can lie.. then i get into investigator modeand set out to catch her in a lie.

this woman makes me happy when we are together and i really want to trust her. i worry that she has soe unfullfillable sexual vice that i have to compete with.. the worst part of all this ay just be that we have messed around intensely but have NOT had sex yet. we both want to wait.. she has a few kids and i have one and recently we got them together and everyone gets along great.. I just wake up soe days and want to dig deeper to try to find more, yet the thoughts of her involved with other men (or women) as before me and before her "new life" just eat me up! She was adopted and will tell you that no one has ever shown her love in her 30 years of life.. I want to have the grace to look past and focus on now and forward but my mind is killing me! how can i move past it? how can i be sure? she says shehasnt drank in 2 years and the sexual stuff was all tied to the drinking and"lifestyle" sheused to live. i can see now she does not live this way. takes care of her kids has a modest job, doesnt drink, and she is all about me.. why is this not enough?

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If she lied, then she lied.  And if she lied, then what else will she lie about?  This question is not going away.  If you don't want to be with a liar, then don't.  I wouldn't.  But if you want it to work, you got to let her show you that she has changed for good.  Give her time.  Watch her actions.  Is she consistent?  Pressuring her just allows you to manipulate her and her to manipulate you back.  Pressuring her is also showing your insecurities, but you seem so concerned about hers.  You will not truly know what she's made of unless you give it time.  Actions speak louder than words and her actions will show you her character.  What kind of mother is she when she thinks you're not looking?  How does she treat people around her?  Strangers?  Pastors? Friends?  Does she treat them the same or does she change per environment?  No amount of pressuring is going to give you the answers to these questions.  Truly wanting personal change and an actual permanent change are two different things.  And only time can tell. 

I believe with all my heart that God is truly a Great Redeemer.  A relationship with God really can change a person permanently, but it is also very hard for a person to change.  Sometimes the same amount of years a person is promiscuous is the same amount of years a person needs to work on themselves to undo the destructive thinking patterns. 

If you guys are struggling with sexual purity in your relationship now, how about going to church together?  Truly put God at the center of the relationship and see how it goes. 

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Thank u thats great advice and good points!!

I here u that time will tell. A problem im having is that im lookinh for a lie NOW. I can accept lying about a shameful past when i was pressuring her to begin with asking her how many men, if she had ever been with a woman etc,, but i find myself looking for every day lies now to almost allow her to "gain trust". I cant be with her if she is a pathlogical liar but i can accept lying about a shameful sexual past..

I guess time will tell you are right.

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Hello and welcome,

I have done a fair bit of work on this subject chap and would be happy to help/talk. However its 20 mins to midnight and so 20 mins to Christmas day so catch up over the next cpl of days. Till then chill out and enjoy your partner for whats good now and the joy of the season. Stay cool as no good comes from hasty decisions.

Happy Christmas. Cheers. Col.

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I would say talk to her about it make sure everything is put in the open. Just don't judge like you said you're not an angel either. If she truly cares she'll be honest, I'll be praying for your situation. Just be understanding and remember that if she really cares for you too your past probably bothers her sometimes too.

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Thanks sir. She doesnt want to know my past. I was stupid to dig for hers. I got way more than i wanted thats for sure. Now i have to try to mentally work past the visuals and hope she isnt a sex addict or something. She says she has been celebate for 1.5 years before me,no dates no men nothing but focusing on the Lord.

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Thank u thats great advice and good points!!

I here u that time will tell. A problem im having is that im lookinh for a lie NOW. I can accept lying about a shameful past when i was pressuring her to begin with asking her how many men, if she had ever been with a woman etc,, but i find myself looking for every day lies now to almost allow her to "gain trust". I cant be with her if she is a pathlogical liar but i can accept lying about a shameful sexual past..

I guess time will tell you are right.

 

Dealing with a liar is no joke and I understand why you want to hurry up and figure her out (to save you time and heart-ache).  I truly understand. 

Follow your gut.  You may already know the answer.

 

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hi matt...  some thoughts on this (like Col) - will have to get to them after Christmas Day -

 

- ian

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Well then it sounds like she's turned it around man.

Your right it sounds like she has.. But she originally told me 3 years then i kept questioning her and after a few months she admitted it was actually 1.5 years since last sex/ dating.., so i cant help but wonder if she is lying about the 1.5 year time frame. Then i meet her online, we talk daily for 2 months and have a super strong connection before we meet, and when we met we couldnt help but be intimate... We didnt have sex but did quite a bit.. And i take full responsibility for my part and she had no objections

...You know even when u think u can see a person for who they are NOW , its hard to really believe if u are getting the truth. I wanna believe she is changed and she didnt have to tell me the sexual stuff from her past, but man i wish i didnt have the information now. Thanks for the insight

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Well of course you did stuff, it was like when I first started dating I had no idea how to control myself so I let so much happen that now I wouldn't. You two on the otherhand just haven't been with people since you have turned to God so you're going to take a moment to adjust. At least that's how I see it just set the boundaries you believe God would want you to have. From what it sounds like she is ashamed, did she know you had been waiting for 3 years cause she may have just not wanted to come off lesser than you in some way. I'll be praying for you man I can tell you really care for her even if some things are hard for you.

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Thanks again man. Im gonna try to ride it out and get in the word more. Let god and time be the revealer. Im worn out from investigating.

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you have much to consider about this relationship... and the fact that you are opening it up so fully here to this forum tells me that you already know what's in your heart about the issues here...   it's not about the sexual past...  that's for you each to seek a clean slate for with God and with yourselves...  and it's clear that you have taken yourself on a different path, and it's even clear from what you say that she has.

 

The issue of course is in the reveal isn't it.   The reveal of sexual past.  The reveal of truth in ages, and the big moments of seeking redemption, starting anew, acting in a new way.  The reveal of the trust that you seem to very strongly seek and want to give.

 

And that reveal doesn't seem to have come as flawlessly or as easily - or as confidently - as you would like.  I think most on here probably can appreciate your sense of dismay at both your agitated sense of wanting to hear the reveals and not worry that there are lies embedded in anything big or small,  even on a daily basis going forward....  and as well as your potential growing difficulty in matching truth, transparency, genuineness, trust and truth.

 

I don't think any of us truly have the full answer for you - although i'm certain most of us have an instinctual answer to what they would do...   but someone who writes as you do...   with as much DESIRE to believe and longing to trust openly and lovingly...

well... i guess i feel like someone likes that deserves to participate as fully and as long as you can ... before fully walking away from something that feels like a connection.

 

you're 35.  And i suspect that like most of us once we sorta crack into our mid-30s...  you likely want to deal with straight answers, with truths...  and you're willing to own your failings and weaknesses and darker moments as much as you're willing to accept them in others...   provided that there is a clear path of a different way forward.

 

so here you are...  waiting it out a bit with her understandably confused... or at the very least uncertain...  of how this really will unfold....  and what the right step is that you should take.

 

I know you are putting your faith and your prayers in God to help guide your actions with her, your sense of "judging" vs "accepting" and your human capabilities at building the way forward.  I suspect that can weigh heavily on your mind, and on your soul...   but your intention is pure... and honest and good.

 

I would only advise you -without knowing truly the whole story - that someone whose intentions are as upright as yours seem to be...  well....  someone like that deserves to be with someone who mirrors that very same outlook and personal perspective... and i f you believe that this woman has that potential - you owe it to yourself and to her to give it a full inclusive try.

 

As with everything you do as a true grown up and as a dad...   eyes wide open.   heart open too and arms...   but eyes wide open.

 

- ian

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Thank you you are exactly right ian. This is all true. I am trying so hard to move forward with her but i keep re- questioning her on thr sexual past stuff. My biggest fear is that im not enough. She has shared that she did some VERY wild sex stuff up to two years ago. I havr a fear that evrn sex with me wouldny be enough. Almost like i would have to worry if she is desiring it from others. With her being adopted snd shown no love growing up she points to sex with people to fill that void. She says the single decision to accept christ in her heart is enough to never fall into that pit again. She has shown me she is very into me but i keep operating in fear and inadequacy. So that is a major issue.

Like u said the other primary issue is if she is legit and truthful.. Trustworthy.. I need to keep my eyes open like u said.. But its no fun livinh in inspection/ attorney mode.. I havnt seen enough yet to walk away and i want to givr her a fair chance. I see a lot of spiritual reliance snd character in her now.. So i will ride it out until i know more

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Update- we have been getting closer and i have let a lot of mental worry go for a few days and she tells me she wants to share more stuff "she just realized" she recalled from her past. She claims no one has ever wanted her to share any part of her past and that she supressed so much of her past( pre- christianity) that it isnt easy to just remember all at once....

She said its not as bad as the stuff i already know, and she wants to be honest but doesnt know if its relevent or if it could set me back at all.

To be honest i dont know if i want to know but at the same time i will likely torment myself not knowing what it could be..

My fear is that as she feels she can trust me more im gonna get bombed every so often and have to start over mentally with "can i live with this"?

Seems like a catch 22

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Tough one. 

She needs you to accept her the way she is.  She should be free to be herself.

If you can't work through the details of her past, then you don't have to.

You have to consider your future as well.  This relationship might have great qualities, but will it hold you back in your goals in life?  Think about the big picture.  Where do you want to be in 5 years? 

 

Most importantly, the worst thing you can do at this point is become intimate (after all, this is a waiting until marriage forum).  Take things SLOW and there will be less regrets and less lust to cloud the mind. 

 

"Love with your heart but don't forget your brain."

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Thanks stacie.. We havent been able to contain ourselves very well but we have not had sex yet., we both want to wait until marriage but i admit the lust and attractuon is extreme...

its crazy becsuse i have asked god to show me what i need to see to know if i can trust her NOW and i was explaining that to her, during a discusuion we were having about euphesians chapter 5.. Verse 5:5-6, "let no one delude and deceivr you with empty excisrs and groundless argumenys for sexual sin, for through these things the wrath of god comes upon the sond of rebellion and disobedience"

Anf she felt prompted to say there were things she has been praying for god to reveal to her about "if" she should tell me more about her past that has nothinh to do with who she id now.,

She now says there are 3 things and they arent really new things but continuations of things i already know. she initially said " u already know the worst" and now its "well you might think these are worse but i dont".

As for in five years, well i could see myself with her but not if i cant fully trust her. Thats what im trying to figure out. We spent the last 24 hrs together our kids hungout and has fun and i feel like im about to get bombed. Thank u so much for insight.

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Hi Matt.

Quite the struggle i know...   the struggle inside you for acceptance and lightness of heart and trust.   the struggle inside her on those past details, and the forthcoming nature of transparency, forgiveness and commitments for the future.

 

I know we all seem to be rooting for you... and yet at a bit of a loss on how to fully help you other than to be supportive of your instincts.   God gives you instincts to follow and first reactions to know where things stand...   your free will and tendencies to add interpretative layers to what people tell you is human nature... and it can cloudy/murky i know.

 

but i guess my newest comment to you would be about your basic faith-based instincts.  what are they telling you about her, about you as a couple, about the future as a couple.   it's great that your kids get along - but she will be your wife first and foremost if things progress - so you should probably pay attention to that piece a little more closely...   now that you seem to have assurance that all could be between all the kids and your kids with her...   it's back to your instincts.  your inner voice.   your listening super closely to the quiet things God is telling you about you, your future and your next steps.  i always believe He puts people in front of you for a reason...   and yes those reasons can be long lasting or they can be in the moment and one great context.  ie  sometimes relationships come with unlimited future :-)   and sometimes relationships come with expiration dates...  not lack of impact, value, genuineness or importance...  just a natural end-by date.

 

you seem to be wavering hard on this.  and caution is really helpful to you for sure!!!   but... i would just encourage you to think long and hard about those first instincts you had... and what instincts continue in you.   you've made so many wonderful positive changes in yourself - you'll want to figure out how to make the most of them, and perhaps whether the person you are meant to be with is hand in hand with you on that journey - in a similar pose - or someone you are to help along that journey - who's a little more muddled than you are - or someone who is ahead of you on that journey - who can buoy you as you continue to change and grow.

 

anyway...   lotta fortune cookie talk there i know...  but as always... i - like everyone else here - am just trying to support you as you take every day steps.

 

:-) 

 

- ian

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