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Maia Alexiou

Guilty

15 posts in this topic

Hi everyone,

I know I'm new and that i'm probably not allowed to talk about things like this, but I've never told anyone this before and I really need to tell someone, anyone...

Recently I was out by myself and I got cornered by a older man. He was a lot bigger than me and stronger. He didnt rape me if thats what you're thinking. He just touched me. I know that it wasn't my fault that he did the things he did but I feel so guilty because I just stood there. I was in shock so I did nothing. I just stood, still and silent...

It wasn't until I came out of my state of shock that I threw my bag at him and took off running. He followed but I was too quick and eventually I lost him.

I know what would have happened if I hadn't ran...

I feel so guilty, how could I do nothing for so long?

Why didn't I run? Why didn't I scream when he wouldn't accept my plea's at the beginning?

I am friends with mainly guys and they've noticed how different I am, that i flinch when they touch or brush past me. I know it's stupid but I'm scared of going out on my own. My best friend knows somethings wrong but I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone.

What should I do?

Maia xxxx

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Hey Maia,

well I'm actually kinda in the same boat as you. I work with this man at a shop. It's a really small business and he's always sexually harrassing me because I live in such a small community there are really no other jobs that work with my school schedule because I currently have a second job too but I have bills and need to save too for my move. If I came foward with this no one would believe me anyway because he is a a very rich and well off man that he has big time connections. He's like a Hugh Hefner haha.

When he first touched me inappropriately I was just like you. I freaked out and got soooo stiff. What do you do in a situation like that? I only yelped and told him "No! You can't do that to me!" and all he said was "I'm the only one who can complain around here." I've thought about quitting but he's an old man so I just call him old man perv now and I've told my best friend, brother, and parents but am still keeping the job even though he touches me fairly often and I hate him and dread going to work when I have to. I have no respect for him.

I was like you as I have guys for friends and felt kinda grossed out around them when it first happened because of it and ashamed but then I decided I wouldn't let it affect me and even though I have to work with him for a few months until I leave to study abroad in the summer it's best not to let it get to you or think about it. Like I just completely let it go and carried on in life. On the bright side, although it's a big deal and feels gross, atleast it's not rape. It could be worse so just spend time by yourself in nature and you'll feel better. I know it's scary that things got really close to happening but they didn't. So just be strong and let it go. You still have your life to live and your dignity. Take care.

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Hey Maia,

I am horrifically under-qualified to talk to you about this, but I would just like to suggest: Let your friends touch you as normal. You need to break that flinching habit and get comfortable with healthy touching again.

I know the normal reaction may be to resist all touch, but I think it will be better long-term if you just try to dilute that abnormal event with lots of normal touch events. If you keep resisting touch, you will keep making that memory stronger because you'll flash back to it every time you resist. Using a neural connection strengthens it. Recalling a memory makes it increasingly vivid and permanent. To get past this you must find a way to reduce the prominence of that memory...to give it less power over you.

It's difficult to intentionally "forget" because thinking about the thing you want to forget makes you remember it more clearly. So the trick is to work on filling your mind up with new things instead. Work on moving past it. Don't let yourself dwell on it. And that's kind of what I was getting at: When a friend goes to touch you, flinch at first if you must, but then give your friend a big hug afterwards (or something...put your arm around them...hand on their shoulder...initiate an extra touch somehow). Really reinforce and reacquaint yourself with the idea of healthy and happy touching. Plus you make it your choice to do, so it might help with that powerless feeling.

And maybe get a handgun and a concealed carry license, or at least a knife or a stun gun. :P

Nobody can predict how they'd react in a situation like that. You want to think that it'll play out like a movie and you'll scream and knee them in the balls...but it rarely goes down like that. It's hard to factor in paralyzing fear. IMHO, your reaction was probably pretty normal.

You have no right to feel guilty over this. It's screwed up, it happened, you escaped before it got too bad. Now move on and be happy. And report it to the cops soon (before you forget his appearance) so it doesn't happen to somebody else (and so you can move on).

@OneHappyGirl - WTF seriously? Like how serious of a touch are we talking about here from your boss? You should carry a recorder. That's how this lady finally convinced the authorities that she wasn't making stuff up (WARNING: Very shocking and sad video, with semi-happy ending).

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Honestly, mike gave you the best advice in mind. Also dont fret about it cause personally I would never judge a girl or think any less of her if that happened to her, its one thing if you actively participate in it and its another if its forced on you. Dont let this consume you and make you feel disgusting on the inside.... Your still beautiful and normal, and just be more cautious of strangers from now on, try to avoid alley ways to. And get a rambo knife :lol: no one will bother you when they see it

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Hey guys,

Thanks so much for the advice Mike, i really appreciate your help but i must say it's a lot harder said than done.

Seeflotastic, thank you also for your advice but I would like to point out that i am careful of strangers, just unlucky. You're right about me feeling disgusting though, and i dont feel at all beautiful or normal.

I know you guys wouldn't judge but i no plenty that would :(

Thanks guys, you're both fabulous!

Maia xxx

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I feel so guilty because I just stood there. I was in shock so I did nothing. I just stood, still and silent...

I am friends with mainly guys and they've noticed how different I am, that i flinch when they touch or brush past me. I know it's stupid but I'm scared of going out on my own. My best friend knows somethings wrong but I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone.

Hello Maia,

I am sorry for what you endured at the hands of someone who was obviously sick. I don't know what sort of resources are available in Scotland, but I would suggest looking-up a rape or domestic violence hotline number. They are not just for rape victims or victims of domestic violence. Some of the hotlines in the States offer free counseling for men, women & children, both individual & group counseling. I would strongly advise that you speak to someone from the hotline, who could connect you to a counselor, or try talking to your school counselor. The best way to deal with this is to talk about it with a counselor & work towards closure...Because, although it may seem small, small things have a way of festering & growing if left alone or not fully dealt with. I say this from a personal & professional perspective. I used to live in a home of domestic violence as a child, where my father verbally degraded my mother daily &, occasionally, got physical. He also beat me. My mother eventually left him, & we lived at a domestic violence shelter, where we received counseling, financial assistance, & support. When I graduated from college, I went back to work at that same shelter as a licensed domestic violence counselor & court advocate. Don't let it fester. Please talk to a professional. It can make the difference between healing & becoming emotionally damaged. The later option was me for a long time. Don't underestimate the damage that can be done by a small event. There is a passage in the Bible that perfectly encompasses this: Song of Solomon 2:15 "the little foxes destroy the vine." I'll be praying for you...& please don't feel ashamed. There is no shame in what you did, or in your mind "failed to do." The shame & the failure lies with a grown man who failed to do what was right & violated your rights. The guilt in that situation will always lie with him. Don't forget that. God bless.

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I was like you as I have guys for friends and felt kinda grossed out around them when it first happened because of it and ashamed but then I decided I wouldn't let it affect me and even though I have to work with him for a few months until I leave to study abroad in the summer it's best not to let it get to you or think about it.

Please call a domestic violence or rape hotline. Even though you have not been raped, they have resources & can possibly point you in the right direction as to how to handle this guy. Nobody has the right to put their hands on you without your consent. I don't care if they're worth $0.50 or $50,000,000! You're worth more than they have in their bank account & you deserve better. Not to mention that what he's pulling is against the law.

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dulcexox - I am forever grateful for your advice and hope that others are able to benefit from your wisdom as I have. Unfortunately my school doesn't have a counsellor :( but I feel better even just speaking to you guys about it if nothing else.

I am trying my best to change my way of thinking but it is difficult and will take time.

I think my problems stem from the fact that I worry that God looks badly upon my obvious weaknesses.

I worry that I am a tremendous disappointment.

"... say to those with fearful hearts,

"Be strong, do not fear;

your God will come,

he will come with vengeance;

with divine retribution

he will come to save you.""

Isaiah 35:4

I worry that perhaps I don't deserve to be saved.

Not just for what happened but for many reasons, for example, I had to actually contemplate my decision of whether or not to wait until marriage - it did not come naturally.

I hope he can forgive all sins... or else I'm screwed!

Maia xxxx

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I worry that perhaps I don't deserve to be saved.

Not just for what happened but for many reasons, for example, I had to actually contemplate my decision of whether or not to wait until marriage - it did not come naturally.

I hope he can forgive all sins... or else I'm screwed!

Maia xxxx

Maia,

Not to generalize, but I think everyone has to contemplate the decision to wait at some point in their lives. The contemplation is normal. We're flesh & blood with natural desires & urges. We are just actively making a concerted effort & choice not to give in to them, now. That doesn't make us perfect, it just means that we're trying to live a different life & make good choices for ourselves. I know girls who had the goal to wait. They slipped-up. It doesn't make them any less special or worthy of love. It makes them human. I know some girls & guys who are sexually active, not married, & ain't trying to stop having sex, but they're honest to a fault. They hide nothing & live their lives honestly...& I, know some virgins who are mean & will lie at the drop of a hat. And vice versa (I know some honest virgins & some sexually active people who are liars).

As far as forgiving all sins goes, I don't claim to speak for the ALMIGHTY...But in

Mark 3:28-29 it says, "Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme:/ But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation."

So, unless you blasphemed against the Holy Ghost, I think you're ok with receiving God's forgiveness, if you're sincere. & even if you did blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, like I said, I can't speak for the ALMIGHTY.

The reality is that "all have sinned & come short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23). So, ask forgiveness & keep your head-up. Because as far as I'm concerned, the only sinless human to ever walk this earth was Jesus. The rest of us that believe, including me, are struggling to make it into heaven. I have my good behavior days, & I have my days where I don't try to do the right things, & I don't do the right things. I'm not proud of that (but it's true). I do repent for those days, & I do strive to do better (not always as hard as I should, but I'm making progress). I'm not perfect, but God knows that. & I know that He still loves me...& I know that He still loves you ["that" I can say about the ALMIGHTY, with certainty :) ]

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Spot on with what dulce said.

Personally its quite funny. I never planned on being a waiter..... My ex was the one who wanted to wait and I was like "Yea sure.... Am down I guess....." But as we got to know each other better It really grew on me and I ended up thinking that waiting would be a nice thing. As ir would set a good example if we ever got married and had kids. I've always been very annoyed when ppl say one thing and do another. I believe in leading by example. Well long story short she slept with someone else and I broke up with her cause of that..... We both were waiters... But more importantly we had countless of oppurtunities to have sex but what I found funny was when were together there was always a little voice that told me "dont do it yet wait a little longer" and then when I was ready to go visit her and go all the way she dropped that bomb on me and it obviously hurt but at the same time I was like wow that little voice was right I was ready to give this girl my virginity and she did this. I honestly think the big guy upstairs was looking out for me..... But what I learned from that was if theirs a ever tiny little bit of doubt in your head dont do it.

So dont feel bad, god still loves you. Were humans were going to make mistakes but atleast were trying to attempt to be better people:) Thats what matters the most

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Oh my goodness you are amazing!

Why do you make me feel better so easily when I can't seem to stop putting myself down?

Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and tolerance!

"When angels visit us, we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts." - You have been an angel to me :)

Maia xxxxxx

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Spot on with what dulce said.

Personally its quite funny. I never planned on being a waiter..... My ex was the one who wanted to wait and I was like "Yea sure.... Am down I guess....." But as we got to know each other better It really grew on me and I ended up thinking that waiting would be a nice thing. As ir would set a good example if we ever got married and had kids. I've always been very annoyed when ppl say one thing and do another. I believe in leading by example. Well long story short she slept with someone else and I broke up with her cause of that..... We both were waiters... But more importantly we had countless of oppurtunities to have sex but what I found funny was when were together there was always a little voice that told me "dont do it yet wait a little longer" and then when I was ready to go visit her and go all the way she dropped that bomb on me and it obviously hurt but at the same time I was like wow that little voice was right I was ready to give this girl my virginity and she did this. I honestly think the big guy upstairs was looking out for me..... But what I learned from that was if theirs a ever tiny little bit of doubt in your head dont do it.

So dont feel bad, god still loves you. Were humans were going to make mistakes but atleast were trying to attempt to be better people:) Thats what matters the most

Wow, Seeflo, that was awesome! I can reallly really relate to you! Can you think though, Seeflo, if you had went all the way and then she told you afterwards?? Thank God that didn't happen but on her part atleast she didn't do something like that as I know lots of ppl love to take other ppl's v-cards so despite everything that happened atleast that didn't happen right. Whew!

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@OneHappyGirl - WTF seriously? Like how serious of a touch are we talking about here from your boss? You should carry a recorder. That's how this lady finally convinced the authorities that she wasn't making stuff up (WARNING: Very shocking and sad video, with semi-happy ending).

lol Mike you're reaction made me laugh and I did watch that video- wow! It's funny you mention the video thing cus that's exactly what my brother said to do because our shop doesn't have camera's. He just well touches in ways I know he's not suppose to (almost any place he can get his hands on) and when I first started working there I used to dress cute but he was always trying to look down my shirt so now I wear like four shirts up to my neck and a jacket and like several tights under my jeans so he can't see anything or try to look cute either(which I hate because I like looking girly). The reason I'm not going to tell the authorities is for several reasons, Mike.

1.It's be wayyyy too embarassing. I live in an extremely small community where everyone knows everyone and so I don't want that kind of image or people to say that kind of stuff about me before I leave.

2.I'm leaving soon to grad. school so I can put it behind me and finally start over fresh.

3. He's just an old man that will probably die soon anyways.

4.I NEED the money so I can save to move. lol

5. As long as there's no rape-I'm good.

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I am not at all surprised that you froze up at first. Fear will do that to any human being - man or woman - of any age. There are so many times when I am walking at night and I think I heard footsteps behind me or there is rustling in the bushes and trees and I completely freeze up and am unable to move. It ends up just being an animal, or a harmless person walking behind me, but I always get mad at myself: what good will freezing up do? I should have run, or screamed, or prepared myself to fight! Every time I think that, but I never do. So don't blame yourself for not reacting at first. Instead, congratulate yourself for having the strength to break out of paralysis and defend yourself.

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Maia If your refering to me as being the angel well thank you :rolleyes: if not sorry for taking the credit.

But yes I was very relieved becasue at the same time I was guna be staying over there for 3 months so I would have been miserable if I had gotten there and found that out. But personally am just happy to be single again. Also I actually talked to her today and honestly am so happy its finished like I miss the memories we have together but I know she isnt the same person. Thats what I think happens alot ppl get stuck on the good times hoping that they willl come back when they wont... Personally She did what she did and thats her problem. I can walk away with no regrets :D

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